Thanks for inviting me to read this children's poem of yours. I enjoyed reading this, and am interested in reading more of your Children's Corner soon!
I do have some suggestions:
I think it could be better if you even up the lines a little more. Here's an example:
"She saw that the lamb had turned
Into tiger big,"
Personally, I would rewrite it thus:
She saw that the lamb
Had turned into tiger big
That will make the lines more even, and wouldn't interfere with the rhyme scheme or flow of the poem.
Also, you leave out the word "a" sometimes, and I feel it should be included. Examples:
"Into mighty oak" and "And became tiny frog"
Adding "a" shouldn't cause any problems with the meter.
Just my own personal observations, however. It's not 'wrong' as you have it written.
Overall, its pretty good poem. Keep up the great work.
I loved this story! It's not the kind of thing I normally read, and although I don't understand alot of what's going on, it kept my interest all the way through. Great job!
You move the action along perfectly; not too fast, and not too slow. The characters are most realistic and the dialogue is very believable.
I did not find any spelling or grammar errors. Nice work!
I trust you're having a wonderful time at the convention. I wish I could have been there, but hopefully next year.
This article has lots of useful information. I learned so much about how to study statistics and the demographics! I didn't know these things were available until now. There's still so much I don't know about this wonderful site. But I'm pursuing it diligently!
I have to add this to my faves, cause I know I'll never remember all this.
Another promising story! I enjoyed this beginning of your novel very much. Your characters are believable and very interesting. Your dialogue is realistic. The descriptions very well written. Great job!
Two confusing points: (1) In the prologue you say that Cray had come to Thaxton Park "with his folks." I take folks as meaning his parents. But you say later that his parents died before he moved to Thaxtonburg?
(2) I don't really 'get' what is meant by the "black wave". I thought it might be referring to his losing consciousness, but he had already done that in the previous paragraph. So it confused me.
Other suggestions which you are free to use or not:
Prologue
P1
comma after "turned"
"slowly spiralled" - adverb follows verb
comma after "him"
"of the real" - reality
comma after "boy"
P2
"that sat" - that was located
add to this paragraph something like: "He didn't remember anything (or much else) after that."
P3
"plant the plants" - tend the plants
P4
comma after "around"
"deranged" - this word doesn't seem appropriate here
comma after "weedy"
"monkey-bars" - no hyphen, I think
comma after "rusted"
Chapter One
P2
remove "probably"
"which he undoubtedly had designed himself years earlier" - this phrasing makes one feel unsure if he did design it or not
P3
"7" - spell out small numbers
P4
don't put 'family' in quotation marks
don't capitalize "Chief" unless a name follows
move "unfortunately" to the beginning of the sentence
P6
"streams of light, and the air..." - streams of light. The air...
comma after "quiet"
P7
comma after "there" to separate direct address
replace ellipsis with a period
P9
comma after "Sorry"
remove the second "apparently"
comma after "Cray"
P10
"as they rode" - use synonym for rode
comma after "Smile there"
spell out 3
"Ok" - either O.K. or Okay
P11
comma after "moped"
spell out 200
"youngsters" - this word is dated; usually only the elderly say it
comma after "friends"
italicize Cray's thoughts
P12
begin new sentence with "but Cray"
don't put Mrs. Swartz in quotation marks
"home room" - one word
P13
"slowly made his way" - "made his way slowly"
P14
"right away he got excited" - he got excited right away (immediately?)
"but more importantly" - but, more importantly,...
comma after "toys"
P15
comma after "Cray"; no quotation marks
thoughts in italics
P16
comma after "Now"
P17
comma after "think so"
P18
comma after "So on"
P19
delete "he said"; unnecessary
P20
'ya - single quotation mark not needed
comma after "began"
P21
"Later that day, after lunch," - After lunch that day,
"The second graders exploded" - They exploded; you'd already said second graders
"and as they did" - and, as they did,...
P23
comma after "Throughout the day"
period after "look out for"; begin new sentence with "Cray told"
"Johnny told Cray" - warned
P24
"much older" - does one year older count as "much older"?
spell out 6
comma after "poor grades"
P26
comma after "Johnny"
"swing-set" - no hyphen needed, I think
P27
"start it being" - by being
P29
comma after "he said"
P31
comma after "half-smoked"
P32
"think that they'll" - delete "that"
"bust us Robbie" - need comma to separate direct address
delete "Danny asked"; it's obvious who is speaking
P34
comma after "yelled"
P35
"who Robbie" - whom
"vaguely recognized" - recognized vaguely
P36
spell out "4th"
"Ok" - either O.K. or Okay
P37
"sideways, probably trying to get to his backside Cray thought" - sideways. (begin italics) Probably trying to get to my backside(end italics), Cray thought.
commas to set off "on the other hand"
P38
commas after "his right" and "his head"
begin new paragraph with "Stop!" he screamed out.
"new found" - needs hyphen, I think
"kick-toy" - no hypen
"for some more" - delete "some"
comma after "wept"
P39
comma after "watered"
"3-foot" - three-foot
P40
"wild-flowers" - wildflowers
"What had happened next" - needs to be italicized
P42
need commas after "back" "low" "his head" and "tall"
"gracing fields" - the fields
P43
comma after "later"
Chapter Two
P1
"slowly tugging" - tugging slowly
"twenty five" - needs hyphen
delete the ellipsis in front of "get something to drink"
comma after "himself"
P3
need commas after "supplies" "sizes" "flavors" and "himself"
"55" - fifty-five
P5
period after "counter"; begin new sentence
"slid opened" - slid open
comma after "him"
P6
comma after "called back"
P7
comma after "asked"
P8
period after "Johnny"; begin new sentence with "my folks"
P10
spell out 13
Overall, a very well developed beginning to your novel. I'm much intrigued by your characters and look forward to reading more about them.
This is a pretty good story, as far as it goes. But in my view, it's not complete. You don't have a clear ending to the story; too many threads are left hanging.
You leave the reader with too many questions unanswered: What happens to Eve after she leaves the house? What becomes of the two officers? Does the robber get caught? I suggest trying to wrap these up.
Other suggestions for editing:
P3
italicize her thoughts
"Too quickly she stood" - She stood too quickly
comma after "moment"
P4
First sentence: suggest revising - She ran toward the front door and peered through the peephole.
P5
"rose in her face" - crossed her face
P6
"to see if anyone" - to ask
P7
period after "replied"
P8
"Officer #1" - How about giving them names? You could have Eve read them off their badges
comma after "block" to separate independent clauses
italicize words which you wish to emphasize, not all caps
P9
"she continued" - she explained
"thinking, when an.." - thinking. Then an...
P10
comma after "immediately"
"Officer #1" - suggest letting second officer speak this line (he hasn't said anything so far)
"started walking" - walked
P11
comma after "herself"
period after "acted" begin new sentence
P12
thoughts in italics
delete "she asked herself"; it's unnecessary
"picks" - verb tense shift - "picked"
P13
comma after "peephole"
P14
"she spoke" - she began
period after "door" begin new sentence
no period after "happened"
P15
comma after "grunted"
"turn over and sit" - sit up
"he must have been" - he was hiding
"my partner and I" - partner and me or me and my partner; sounds more like real speech
semicolon after "side"
P16
need commas after "911" "ear" and "dead"
P17
Last sentence - change "respond" to a synonym; try to avoid using the same word so close together
P18
"Get out of the house!" - italicize
need commas after "door" "to get there" and "breath"
Overall, you've got a nice beginning here. I do recommend adding more to the story to tie up all the loose ends.
If and when you revise it, I'll be most happy to return and R&R again.
This is an outstanding story! It really shows how much hard work you have put in it.
You weave descriptions into the action of the story very, very skillfully. It never seems forced or out of place; rather, it meshes with the action perfectly. Very well done!
The personalities of your two characters unfolds in a timely manner. Although much is not provided about their backgrounds, I never felt there was any information lacking that I needed to know.
What I liked most about this story is how you ended each and every paragraph with a cliffhanger, which kept my interest intense until the very end. It also made me wish there was more to the story. This would make an awesome first chapter to a novel! But, the story here is complete in itself; a well defined beginning, middle, and end.
I have some suggestions which you may use or not, as you wish.
Paragraph 1
Indent your paragraphs and double space the lines; this makes for easier reading.
need comma to separate the adjectives "lone green"
"borne" - do you mean "bore"?
P2
"the sweat" - delete "the" not necessary
comma after "brow"
P3
"leaned in" - delete "in" not needed
P4
period after "replied"
make "it does" into its own sentence
comma after "jacket"
your last sentence is a fragment; add a subject
P5
"reached out" - delete "out"
comma after "Plus"
P6
period after "give it up"
*balllon4* begin new sentence with "which was true by now"
comma after "daughters"
"rumbled" - doesn't seem to 'fit' very well
P7
delete "responded Jack"; it's obvious he is the one speaking
P8
comma after "lives"
"as if he was the one who was pleading" - change to "as if he were the one pleading"
you use the word "pleading" three times in this paragraph; try to avoid using the same word so closely together
Last two sentences are fragments; need subject
P9
The two questions in the middle of this paragraph seem to be thoughts of Jack's; if they are, they need to be italicized
"only friend only twenty years" - delete second "only"
"baretta" - beretta, I think
Bugs' - not a possesive; should be Bugs
Begin new paragraph with "Almost time.."
"over-ruled" - no hyphen, I believe
"he was dead" - he was a dead man
P11
"the horizon and turned" - change to "the horizon. Then he turned..."
comma after "he said"
P12
comma after "first couple"
for words you wish to emphasize (here, "need"), put them in italics rather than all caps
P13
"You and I have been" - We've been
"Any last words?" he asked. - he sneered
P14
"spoke Steve" - Steve replied
P15
"it's" - should be "its"; it's means it is
"against the side" - side of what? the bench?
comma after "Jack"
Begin new sentence with "not enough blood"
"Then fired" - need a subject here
P16
comma after "peaceful area"
"Probably nobody around for miles..." - italicize thoughts, not put in quotation marks
comma after "right hand"
comma after "Standing there"
comma after "whispered"
extend the "No" - Noooooo
P17
comma after "Sorry"
"he said in a growling voice" - he growled
comma between adjectives "nasty little"
P18
"walked over toward" - delete "over"; not necessary
"friend that lie there" - friend lying on the edge
"reservoir and smiled" - reservoir. He smiled.
"between him and Danny" - between Danny and himself
"full moon was coming up" - full moon was rising
comma after "now"
"realized that" - delete "that"; it's a filler word and not necessary
thoughts need to be italicized
P19
"On toward the path that led away from the reservoir Steve walked" - this sentence is awkward phrasing; suggest rewording it
thoughts in italics
"cure," - introduce a list with a colon, not a comma
Overall, an awesome, suspense-filled story! I highly recommend you enter this in a contest after you revise it a little. It is worthy of any first place award, in my opinion.
This is a wonderful, inspirational article! I love how you begin with questioning what normal is, then move into different styles of 'normal' lives. And finally end on an upbeat and encouraging paragraph. This is very well-written!
Reading this made me think about my own life, which many times seems to wear me down. You reminded me of just how much I have to be thankful for. Thank you soooo much for that!
Your paragraphs flow very well. You progress in a logical, but interesting, fashion. I found no spelling errors, and minimal grammar and punctuation errors. Outstanding editing!
Suggestions:
First of all, I recommend indenting your paragraphs and double spacing them. It makes for easier reading. Click on the WritingML link to see how to do that.
Paragraph 1:
change "mention" to discuss
"say that life" - delete 'that'; that is a filler word which should be removed whenever it is not absolutely necessary for sentence meaning
don't capitalize "Normal" in your paragraphs
Paragraph 2
do not capitalize "Prostate Cancer"
change "Paul, my husband," to "My husband Paul" which will eliminate the need for commas
Paragraph 3
"single parent" - needs hyphen, I believe
Paragraph 4
second sentence is a fragment; you need a subject here
comma after "parent" in last sentence
change "his/her" to his or her
change "normal" in last sentence to "normal lifestyle"
Paragraph 5
No suggestions!
Overall, a wonderful piece of writing! I enjoyed your views very much.
You've written a very nice and beautiful commentary on the various seasons. I enjoyed this very much!
Your rhyme scheme, rhythm, and flow is outstanding.
I found no gramma or spelling errors. Well done!
Some suggestions:
You should spell out small numbers and the ampersand symbol (&).
You discuss the seasons out of order in which they come in the year. While this isn't a big deal, I think it'd improve if they were in order.
In the last line of each stanza, you have a period, but no other punctuation throughout. You should either omit all punctuation or use it consistently. I recommend using it throughout the stanzas. In my opinion, it makes the poem easier to read.
Overall, an awesome nature poem that only needs a little tweaking to be perfect.
You have a wonderful collection of artwork here! I like them very much, very detailed and beautiful.
My favorites are the ones of the Archangel Michael. But that might be a bias, since my son's name is Michael!
The colorized version of Slyphia is just outright perfect! Wow!
I find it interesting that your sketch of Satan is of a female. I've never heard Satan referred to as being female before.
In closing, your artwork is quite amazing! They have made me very curious to read your Angel trilogy now! But I noticed in your port, there is only Book I and III. Or is it in a different folder rather than main port?
I cannot express how much I enjoyed my invasion of your Poetry. You are, in turns, a magnificent, inspiring, humorous, and downright insane poet!
Which brings me to *dum dum* Poetic Insanity!!!
You already know how I feel about your (in)famous writing.com In and Out. But others might not, so...listen up all! If you've had a bad or stressful day, go to Poetic Insanity, read the posts, and you'll magickally feel all your negative energy slipping away!
Note: 4 out of 5 poets swear it's the best thing to ever happen to poetry.
Don't ask what happened to the 5th! muhahahahahaha
P.S. I read the Happy Birthday posts: I never saw so many people thankful for being 'warped'
PI forever!!!!!
This is a public service announcement brought to you by the Mad Poet's Society. If you wish to join,(and of course you do!) contact Writer of the Winds
Since you have 57 poems in this folder, I decided to rate only the folder, and put all my comments and individual ratings in one review so as not to fill your mailbox even more.
So here we go!
"Bars of Fear" - I know exactly how that feels! Rating: 4.0
"Run" - very funny! I always run when I see one! Rating: 5.0
"Defeat" - very nice, inspirational poem! I enjoyed it very much. Rating: 4.5
"Matrimonial Dance" - honest and forthright about men's hopes. I loved the rhyme and flow. Rating: 4.5
"Principal's Office" - I've had some of those experiences! Rating: 4.0
"I Am No Different" - Another very good inspirational poem. We should all forgive ourselves more - I wonder why it is so difficult to do that, but much easier to forgive others? Rating: 4.5
"Inside Out" - Very deep exploration! Enjoyed it very much. Rating: 4.5
"The Musical Performance" - Very cute and humorous! Rating: 4.0
"The Buzzards are Circling" - Outstanding poem! A must read!!! Rating: 5.0
"The Curmudgeon" - personally, it's my opinion tha anyone who makes it to 80 has earned the right to be a curmudgeon! Rating: 4.5
"My Love" - Very beautiful and romantic! Rating: 4.5
"Svelte!" - Hilarious! I've met people like that. And my sister felt that way about me when I said 'akin'! Rating: 4.0
"The Peacock" - Funny, and very true! Rating: 4.5
"Leaving My Past Behind" - oh my gosh! I couldn't stop giggling! Rating: 5.0
"It Was No Accident" - Very powerful poem here; deep and extremely moving! Rating: 5.0
"Everyman and Me" - Another very moving and touching poem; and sadly, too true! Rating: 5.0
"The Boss" - too funny! Another giggle fest! Rating: 4.5
"The Election" - interesting structure here in this poem Rating: 4.0
"The Pirate" - Interesting; good rhyme scheme Rating: 4.0
"The Ancient Enemy" - I don't really understand what's happening here, but well-written! Rating: 3.5
"The Boss: Act II" - very, very well-written! Very humorous too! Rating: 5.0
"Debauchery" - another good piece. Rating: 4.0
"The Betrothal" - Very, very mysterious ending. I liked it very much! Rating: 4.0
"My Little Rose" - awwwwww, that is so sweet! Rating: 4.5
"A Dastardly Act" - Very moving! Rating: 4.0
"My Chamber" - Great parody of The Raven! I laughed SO much!! Rating: 5.0
"The Golden Door" - Interesting; this is about America, right? Rating: 4.0
"The Fat Toad" - Very humorous! Rating: 4.5
"The Stranger" - Very, very nice! I loved the action in this poem. Rating: 4.0
"The Marriage" - Another giggler! Awesome! Rating: 4.5
"The Owl" - Excellently written. I love nature poetry. Rating: 5.0
"Faith" - nice acroustic; inspiring! Rating: 4.0
"Inspiration" - This is a very beautiful poem! Suggestions: 'gossimer' should be gossamer; 'tenatiously' should be tenaciously Rating: 4.0
"Love's Memories" - Ah, very beautiful and touching!! Rating: 4.5
"The Delicate Butterfly" - Wonderful exploration of the harm humans can do to the environment! Rating: 4.5
"The Report" - Funny! You express so much in few words. Rating: 4.5
"Tribute to Robert W. Service" - An outstanding tribute! Rating: 4.5
"The Vain Pursuits" - Very well-written! Rating: 4.5
"The Lowly Spider" - Hey now! I like spiders; what you mean 'lowly'? Very well written! Suggestions: 'judas' should be Judas; 'sprewed'- do you mean "spewed"; 'protrayed' should be portrayed; 'demanor' should be demeanor; 'gastly' should be ghastly Rating: 4.0
"A Slave to Fear" - Very interesting! Rating: 4.0
"He Cooked My Goose" - Too funny! Outstanding rhyme. Suggestions: Line 16 should be 'rapidly they come'; line 21 should be 'comes to stand' Rating: 4.0
"The Preacher" - Awesome philosophical poem! Suggestions: 'dry arid' should have a comma separating the adjectives; 'considered' should be consider Rating: 4.0
"Winkin, Blinkin, and Knod" - Very, very humorous! Suggestion: "she' still" should be she's still Rating: 4.0
"Stinkin' Thinkin'" - This is just TOO funny! Great rhymin' Rating: 4.0
"The Redlight District" - This is very good! Suggestions: 'Prudish' shouldn't be capitalized; 'well thatched' needs a hyphen, I think Rating: 4.5
"The Thing from the Pit" - A little confusing; I don't understand what's going on. Suggestions: 'mulk' I think you mean "muck"?; 'dispair' should be despair; 'wrapped' should be wrap Rating: 3.5
"The Sad Tale of Flashy" - Very cute! Suggestions: shouldn't it be lightning bug? Rating: 4.0
"The Vagabond" - This seems to be inconsistent to me. If he is "caught" and "powerless to let go" then how does he? Rating: 3.0
"Release!" - Well written! Rating: 4.0
"The Worthless Masses" - Very thought-provoking and rather sad. Well done. Suggestions: 'suceed' should be succeed Rating: 4.0
"The Days of Summer Lost" - Very nice! Suggestions: line 7- don't capitalize 'Bums'; line 9- capitalize 'malley'; 'abate' should be abates Rating: 4.0
"the nightly symphony" - Wonderful! I like how you varied your form and structure here. Rating: 4.5
"My Silly Little Pome" - Ah, this is most wonderful!! Rating: 5.0
"The Craftsman" - Ah, yes, this is more like it! A very nice poem celebrating the Spider! Rating: 4.5
"Poor Oliver" - Nice contender for the Challenge! Rather sad subject, but very well-written! Rating: 4.0
"The Last Performance" - Very, very good! I enjoyed this one very much. It flows very nicely. Rating: 4.5
Overall, you have a wonderful collection of poetry. Not just in this folder, but all the folders I have reviewed so far. You are a first-class poet, Mr. Writer of the Winds!
This is a great idea! Publicity for a writer in another writer's portfolio is also a very considerate action on your part.
Have your read these authors personally? If so, maybe it'd be helpful to also list what genre they mainly write in, so as to direct, say, a fantasy fan to a specific port.
I haven't heard much about the issue in this poll. I dont watch the news and rarely listen to the radio, so the only thing I hear about world goings-on is what my husband tells me. And he never mentioned this.
I had heard alot of rumors awhile back that Bush and the U.S. government knew an attack on America was imminent and did not take adequate steps to try to prevent it. Now THAT I can believe.
But that our president ordered the 9/11 attacks?? I just cannot bring myself to think that, as much as I dislike him. That would be too horrible! I hope with all my heart it's not true!
This is an excellent poem. I liked it very much. You very adroitly capture the feelings of the mother in this poem: a mixture of love, pride, and sadness.
Two suggestions:
While mother doesn't always need to be capitalized, Mom does require it.
I think you should add punctuation to your lines. Your poem definitely calls for pauses, and this should be indicated by commas and periods.
Good story. You definitely caught me off guard with the ending!
Some errors I found:
Second paragraph: "He had a job to do, and was determined to do it, regardless of how long it took." -- you wrote something very similar to this in your first paragraph, so I'd suggest deleting this.
time played tricks -- time plays tricks
He was beginning to perspire – "God, is it ever hot in here!". -- this needs to be edited; no hypen and no quotation marks, and no period; like this -->He was beginning to perspire. God, is it ever hot in here!
He paused; what was that? Was someone coming? -- no semicolon after paused, use a period. also, if the two questions are meant to be his thoughts they need to be italicized
"Something HAS to be here," he thought. -- thoughts are italicized, not put in quotation marks
Just then, a knock upon the door; “Anybody in there?” came his wife’s voice. -- "a knock was heard upon the door"; and I'd change "came his wife's voice" to "he heard his wife ask"
Overall, a good story and an unexpected twist at the end! Good job.
I had put off reading this poem in your port because I don't like to read poems about war, and fighting. But since I've committed myself to reading and reviewing everything, I did.
And wow! I am sooo glad I did! This is such a powerful piece of writing! So emotional and insightful. I can feel how deeply YOU feel about this issue. One which I completely agree with.
Your sentiments are beautifully expressed!
Now to errors:
I sat up with and rubbed my eyes -- should 'with' be here?
I saw a pleasant pastoral scene -- separate adjectives with a comma
I guess I saw what other do -- what others do
Again, this is a wonderful poem. If you correct those few errors, I will give it the 5 star the writing deserves.
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I think it could be better if you even up the lines a little more. Here's an example:
Also, you leave out the word "a" sometimes, and I feel it should be included. Examples:
"College" - college
"60’s" - should be 60s or sixties
"MEMORIUM" - are you sure this is a word? I couldn't find it in a dictionary.
Another promising story! I enjoyed this beginning of your novel very much. Your characters are believable and very interesting. Your dialogue is realistic. The descriptions very well written. Great job! 
Two confusing points: (1) In the prologue you say that Cray had come to Thaxton Park "with his folks." I take folks as meaning his parents. But you say later that his parents died before he moved to Thaxtonburg?
Overall, a very well developed beginning to your novel. I'm much intrigued by your characters and look forward to reading more about them. 
I hope you may find these suggestions helpful. 
I have some suggestions which you may use or not, as you wish. 
First of all, I recommend indenting your paragraphs and double spacing them. It makes for easier reading. Click on the WritingML link to see how to do that. 
.