This is a pretty good story! You write your paragraphs well, using good description and following a logical pattern. You built up suspense in the story very nicely. I'm a little disappointed you didn't clarify what the symbol was, though.
Editing suggestions:
"This struck him as odd" - comma after "odd"
"dull throbbing pain" - need comma to separate adjectives
“Hold Still”, - commas are placed inside quotation marks, and "Still" shouldn't be capitalized
"10" - numbers should be spelt out unless very large
"his early 60’s" - 60s or sixties
"He gently said," - adverbs follow verbs: said gently
"the doctors office." - doctor's
"Monday morning." - should use comma here, not a period
"What was his name he thought" - thoughts need to be italicized, and you need a comma after "name"
"He was pleased to have remembered the name," - need a semicolon here, rather than a comma, to separate independent clauses
"self titled group" - self-titled
"her husbands face." - husband's
"with a sullen tone" - sullen doesn't really fit the context here, maybe "concerned"?
"She shook him slightly" - comma after "slightly"
"terror filled" - compound adjectives need to be hyphenated
"insider her head" - inside
"the center of the sink" - comma after "sink"
Overall, this is well done story, and I enjoyed it very much.
This is a deeply emotional poem. The theme is a little sad though. It's not ever good to lock our hearts up, even if they might get bruised and broken. Humans require love and companionship.
You've written this very well; the lines flow nicely from one to the next. Good job!
You might consider adding more vivid imagery to it.
This is a very deep, emotional poem. I enjoyed it very much, especially the visual imagery you evoke with your word choices.
I do have a couple of suggestions for revising, which you can use or not, as you think best. First, you might consider either not using color or one not so bright. This one rather hurt my eyes. Second, I think you should not use punctuation at all in this poem. There are times when you don't have punctuation when it should be there, and I think that approach works much better than having it there. But you should be consistent in either using or not using punctuation.
You're recieving this raid on your poetry folder due to your generous donation to the EnduReviewing contest. Thanks!
I liked this poem of yours very much. You've chosen words that are melodious in themselves. This helps the reader 'hear' the music that you are talking about. I also like how you structured this; it flows from line to line perfectly.
I did not find any grammar or spelling errors. Good job!
I liked this story/anecdote very much. It is a wonderful, spiritual piece of writing. You've done a good job relating this story in an interesting, and inspiring manner. Very nice!
Editing suggestions:
"freshly pressed gray paints and a tightly fitting white tank top." - freshly-pressed, gray pants and a tightly-fitting, white tank top.
"baldhead" - need a space here
"modern heals" - heels
"an angel helped me this morning get up those stairs." - an angel helped me get up those stairs this morning
Overall, it's well written, and I enjoyed reading it very much.
This was a very unusual story. It very much has a surreal, dream-like quality to it, which I'm assuming is what you intended here. I liked the story all the way through, except for the ending. It seemed incomplete, as if you rushed through the end. I suggest you extend the ending some.
Editing suggestions:
"and stood" - comma after "stood"
"His half open green eyes" - half-open, green eyes
"The book was being held high as Rob started slowly toward the living room." - you should revise this to: Rob started walking slowly toward the living room, holding the book up high.
“The book would make a good paddle,” - thoughts need to be put in italics
"he came threw," - through
"his silence “Sir, are you OK." - his silence, "Sir, are you OK?"
This was a pretty interesting story. I liked your beginning; it caught my attention very nicely. The flow of the story was good also; you kept the action moving at a steady pace. Good job!
The last paragraph was a little confusing to me. Especially the following passage:
This spirit must have been using a human form but the pure silver blade had separated it from this person.
Before you said the wolf spirit was in the shape of an animal, and now you say "human form." I recommend you explain what you intend here more fully.
Editing suggestions:
"that it was moving south." - it? what is it? you should be clear about what 'it' is here
"long black hair" - need comma to separate adjectives
"What he did not understand is how it could have survived the arrows?" - colon after "is"
"The smell of the blood was not human" - semicolon after "human"
"waiting for him," - need semicolon here, not a comma after "him"
"He lifted the bow to his check" - cheek
"through out his body." - throughout
Overall, this has the makings of a very good story, if it's just worked on a bit more. If and when you revise it, I'd like to R&R it again.
This story is, well, different. I'm not sure what to make of it. You have it listed as comedy, but to me it's not really funny. Truthfully, I felt sorry for Eugene. He wasn't a humorous character to me, and the events in the story didn't make me laugh either, more like fear and anxiety that he was going to kill himself.
Some suggestions for editing:
"a light white trail" - it's rather redundant to use "white" and "light" here
"The driver was Eugene" - need comma after "Eugene"
"more broken then when it came in." - than
"to tell tourist were it was." - to tell tourist where it was
"He thought the air was nice up here" - need semicolon after "here"
"Aiming his arm at the ground" - need comma after "ground"
"This was much scaring then he’d thought." - This was much scarier than he'd thought it would be.
"Real scientists have test subjects" - need semicolon after "subjects"
"the mountains edge." - mountain's
"He shock the box" - shook
If and when you revise, let me know and I'll be very pleased to R&R your story again.
I liked how you structure this, as an internal monologue of a young teen-aged boy struggling to determine exactly what he feels and wants to do.
However, even if it's internal thoughts, which can be illogical at times, when we put them on paper, the thoughts should be more organized. Not rambling, and not repetitious, as you tend to do here.
I also recommend that you add more vivid details about the few days they spent together. Make the reader see what happened between the two to cause him to fall in love with her.
Now, editing suggestions:
"she lives more then" - than
"I didn’t ask to hold her hand we just did." - you need a semicolon after "hand"
"But it can’t be we are too young." - semicolon after "be"
"in the picture," - semicolon after "picture"
"Does He?" - don't capitalize "Does"
"I want more then anything to find out." - should be "than", not "then"; than is a comparison word; then refers to time
"I’m scared and I want this." - suggest: I'm scared, but I want this so much.
"but I know its there." - should be it's, meaning it is
"but I know that it’s possible." - suggest: but I know that it's true.
If and when you revise, I'll be glad to R&R again.
You've taken a much-used theme and made it interesting once again in this story. You build up suspense in the story very skillfully and maintain the reader's attention throughout. Good job.
I have one suggestion about the content: I think you should explain exactly why Corrine knew she could find the picture of the policeman in her photo album. That part confused me.
Editing suggestions:
"driver side window" - driver's
"realizing she only had another twenty minutes to get her daughter to school" - need commas before and after this phrase
"then any time in Corrine’s life." - than at any other time
"a prizefighter punch" - prizefighter's
"Angie?" - thoughts need to be in italics
"the sweet most comforting words" - the sweetest, most comforting
"ok" - either okay or O.K.
"tearful mutter." - murmur would sound better here
"hang on" - need a period here
"the scrapping" - scraping
"She couldn’t hear her daughter" - comma after "daughter"
"until she saw Angie's face" - need commas before and after this phrase
"You are lucky someone called," - need semicolon rather than a comma here
"Where had she seen that man?" - thoughts need to be italicized
I enjoyed this story, and, if and when, you revise any, I'll be glad to R&R again.
I really enjoyed this story. I like how you structured it; the opening grabbed my attention right away. My favorite part was the paragraph in which he is blaming everyone else for his addiction. That was very good!
Editing suggestions:
"When we first started this they were fairly easy to overtake." - need comma after "this" to separate introductory phrase
"their brain." - brains
"What was going on? Why would they try to attack now, that was suicide?" - revise: What was going on? Why would they try to attack now? That was suicide! and you should italicize his thoughts
"get troops out there quick" - need comma after "quick"
"she couldn't understand that" - comma after "that"
"Now my mom is giving me a hard time about how much I do around the house." - mom should be capitalized, and I suggest revising this to: how much time I spend on the computer; using the phrase "how much I do around the house" makes me think that he is busy doing stuff, like mowing the grass and repairing things
"I am going to find a job and get out of this place after this last game." - suggest: I am going to find a job and get out of this place...right after one more game.
Overall, this is a nicely written story. It is most realistic and interesting.
How embarassing for you! I'm glad that you've recovered well enough to be able to share this story with us.
This is very well written. Your paragraphs flow nicely together in logical, interesting fashion. I enjoyed reading this; I hope it's okay that it made me smile?
Some editing suggestions:
"you never can" - you should keep your verb as close as possible to your noun: you can never
"I stood idly by" - comma after "by"
"scale a large fence to get away" - need semicolon after "away"
"blowing in the breeze" - you need a comma before "blowing" and a semicolon after "breeze"
"my dad" - Dad
"I left that day knowing two things;" - use a colon here, rather than a semicolon
This is another great, inspirational poem you've written. I like the message behind this one also. It flows from one line to the next very nicely. Good job.
I didn't find any grammar or spelling errors.
I recommend to you, however, that you use exclamation marks sparingly, if at all. If the poetry is written properly, there's no need to indicate excessive emotion by a exclamation mark, in my view.
I like the theme of this poem very, very much. It is so true that many of us have lost touch with nature which our ancestors had. Lost in a world of concrete and steel, we feel superior to the mysteries that exist in nature. And we are the ones that suffer for that lost connection.
You've expressed that very well in this poem.
My favorite part:
As the lattes and face creams obscure
The vestiges of a war cry far away.
What a marvelous use of words you created here! I loved those two lines very, very much!
I have two suggestions for you: One, you should use punctuation consistently if you're going to use it at all. Two, again, the irregularity of some of the lines interrupts the flow of the poem.
While I agree that we can learn much from the younger generation, I don't believe learning from the older one will ever "become a thing of the past." The older generation might not be as knowledgeable about hi-tech stuff as children are today, but they still have a wealth of information about life and people that we'd all do well to listen to.
This was very well-written. You stated your main point up front, and listed your reasons logically and coherently. While I don't agree with everything you said here, you did present it very nicely. Good job!
You've got the beginnings of a good poem here, but it does need some revising. First of all, you have quite a few of sentence fragments here. I'll give a couple of examples of how to fix them.
These hands of mine, the ones I adorn with bright polish and gold rings. The ones that are soft to the touch.
These hands of mine, I adorn with bright polish and gold rings.
These hands of mine are soft to the touch.
These hands are very special. These hands that are gentle when they need be and strong when it's required too.
These hands are very special.
These hands are gentle when they need to be but strong when it's required.
Also, you can fix most of the sentence fragments by removing the word "that" in them.
I also recommend that you either move your dedication to the beginning of the poem, or put the word "Note" in front of it so that the reader doesn't think it's also part of the poem.
Overall, this is a good start. If and when you revise, I'll be happy to R&R again.
This is a very powerful, very disturbing and thought-provoking poem. You've captured the atrocities of battle very skillfully, especially in the visual imagery you evoke here. It is full of emotion and horror. Great job!
Just one suggestion I have:
*baloon1* "the angel of death come on?" - shouldn't "angel of death" be capitalized, since it refers to a specific angel?
This is a well composed poem; the lines flow well and the rhythm of the poem is good.
Perhaps it is just me, but I don't really understand the point you are trying to make in your last stanza. It is unclear to me. I suggest maybe elaborating on that and making a clearer connection to your earlier stanzas.
This is a very beautiful inspirational and spiritual poem. I like very much how you describe the rite of Christening of the children. The poem flows perfectly from one line to the next, and the structure is wonderfully organized. I did not find any errors in spelling, grammar, etc. Great job!
I enjoyed reading this poem; it is very reflective on spirituality. Your word choice is also evocative of visual imagery. Good job!
One part confused me, however.
Lady With Umbrella I would have known
to be yours without a question. She has
the sentient look of one whose image is
forever deep and placid as your own.
Your pronouns are confusing. First you sound as if you're addressing the "Lady with Umbrella" and then you say "She" as if talking about someone else. I recommend you make your pronoun referents more clear.
Overall, it is a well-written, inspiring poem. I liked it very much.
You've got the makings of an awesome story here; the middle and the end of it was fabulous. But the beginning of the story needs some work. It starts off too slow, frankly, it didn't grab my attention. And in the first few paragraphs the story dragged. It didn't really get my attention until Charon entered the storyline.
In my opinion, you could improve the story by cutting out a lot of the description in the beginning of the story. For instance, readers don't really need to know about Zack's job in construction. I recommend that directly after the first paragraph in which Zack is sitting on the road, have him reflect on how he came to be there. Let him tell the story in his own words, through internal thoughts.
Editing suggestions:
"none of them had suffered much if at all." - need comma after "much"
"yet it wasn’t comfortable at all." - comforting
"He lavished the idea" - relished
"and a Shell Station" - at a Shell Station
"then reason to enter it." - than
"Not my real handle, though, ya ken?" - what do you mean by "ya ken"? That's confusing.
"made him breath easier" - breathe
"his throat hitching" - I think you mean "twitching"?
"Not gonna cry. Not now. Time to stand firm." - thoughts need to be italicized
"Ain’t a thing to be scared of any more." - anymore
“Not hell,” - Hell
Overall, it has the makings of a very intriguing, suspenseful story. If you could only get the beginning to be as full of action and suspence as the middle and end, it'd be perfect.
If and when you revise, I'll be very pleased to R&R again.
Write on!
Mary
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"This struck him as odd" - comma after "odd"
"dull throbbing pain" - need comma to separate adjectives
“Hold Still”, - commas are placed inside quotation marks, and "Still" shouldn't be capitalized
"10" - numbers should be spelt out unless very large
"his early 60’s" - 60s or sixties
