Man this was funny. A lot of good lines here. "Here comes the poems from high school" is dead on hilarious. The he's just a one and I'm an eighty eight line is witty too.
I would change the first title from noober to "Noober." Sometimes I skip over things that aren't capitalized, but I'm gald I didn't skip over this.
This poem should go into the review a newbie page. I wish I had enough points to give this an awardicon.
I can't remember if I wrote a review about this or not. I read it a while ago and filed it into the the old favorites and then came back to look at it again a few times. Anyway forgive me if I've repeated myself.
This is a great resource. The way it's presented is really well done. The poison passive verb list for me is key, because I looked at that and then some of my writing and realized it was written in the passive voice. So I've come back a few times to reread your article and now I think I have at least a better understanding of what I'm doing wrong (in some cases).
I don't think my passive verb woes have been laid to rest (it seems a very nebulos concept), but at least I have your dumb downed list to keep me cued up for flagrant passive voice infractions.
This is really good. I particularly like the beginning part because it really illustrates how someone can become hooked on drugs. It isn't all bad at first.
The ending is superb. They should include this poem in booklets that pass out about drug addiction. I know that recovering drug addictions we definitely relate to this.
This is a fine poem. I would remove the first line though. The second and third lines make a strong opening sentence. Removing the first line also makes the last line more powerful.
You might want tho think about making this poem longer - although there is something to be said for keeping it short and concise. I guess if you felt there was something else you could add to make this more moving, i wouldn't fight it - I'd add it.
I thought that this was very good. I liked the whole "words can not express my love for you" theme. I thought the way that you presented it was very well done. There is a sincerity and honesty to it all that made me buy it.
Good rhyme scheme too. The alternating rhyming lines followed up with the couplet at the end is classic and almost elegant. Harkens back to days of old.
I don't have any real criticism for this. If I were to stretch and nit pick I think maybe there is a line or two that could use "improving." For example I was a litlle confused by the fourth line with the "love is real" part.
Over all you should be proud of this though. It's entertaining and it's a good love poem in a sea of bad ones.(in my opinion).
Let tme start off by saying that this is a very good poem. Riveting - I read this with my full attention and was not disapppointed. Poetry is hard to rate and a poem like this is even harder to rate. But a am giving this (reluctantly) 4 and 1/2 stars because I think if it was longer it would be better.
For me as a reader I think I needed to know how she died and exactly (other than grief stricken) how you felt about it. Or something more to pull me in just a little deeper into your pain.
Anyway, I sure a lot of other people are going to like it EXACTLY as it is so nevermind.
This is great. I so glad that I didn't notice how long this piece was when I began to read it because the end completely leapt up on me. I thought that this would wind on in its serpentine fashion for much longer, but instead it stopped ..on....a .......
Aren’t I witty too?
My only critique or complaint was that while I thought the ending was fantastic, I was somewhat disappointed that the essay (Is it an essay?) wasn’t longer. (Which actually means that it was exactly long enough.)
Anyway, this is definitely a five star work of writing.
So, I guess I’ll end by saying, “Write a smart, witty meandering story - get a dumb, meandering comment in return.”
I also enjoyed this one too. Very quirky. There is such a touch of sadness and loss that hangs over these poems that I really feel your pain.
Nevertheless I can't help but enjoy the writing. It is very unique and such a pleasure to read.
I'm glad you are here at writing.com and I hope you stick around. I am looking forward to reading more of your poetry. What I've read so far is fantastic.
I really liked this a lot. Very creative. Some people may criticize this as too much like prose, but I like it for it's clarity.
As far as editing goes obviously you need to put some line breaks between I know! and 'I' so far.
Other than that I wouldn't change a thing. It is rather short poem and it definitely left me wanting more, but I wouldn't lengthen it. Making it longer would probably only ruin it. It's really quite an interesting read, I like your asides and hoe you switch gears in sharing your inner thoughts.
The only thing I didn't understand about this story was why the trolls were shooting arrows into William. It just seemed incongruous with what was happening between Victor and the large troll.
Actually considering the plot and style of this piece, such a complaint is probably misapplied, because I thought the style, the delivery, and the humor is this piece were BRILLIANT. Look I even wrote brilliant in caps and I never do that. And look again, I think that I'm trying to emulate your style now by throwing in asides.
Anyway I'm failing miserably. What you wrote here is absolutely superb and wickedly creative. Such a pleasure and surprise to read something this good from a newbie. It was my privilege to read it.
Forgive me. I tend to gush over writing that kicks ass.
There are two ways to read something like this. One, as an editor and two, as an advice columnist.
Two things I noticed editing-wise. First you need a paragraph break at ,"It's been three days..." This piece is just a bit too long not to split it into paragraphs there.
Second, your spacing is a little off between some of your quotation marks and commas. It's not a huge deal, but it will distract a reader from your piece.
Which is very "good" by the way. You brought me back to my late teen age years and I remembered the pain such turn of events could bring. I was right there with you as I read this.
As for the advice part, I say pick up the phone and call him. Then talk and talk and talk some more. The burden he has carried is a hard one, and I think you'll find he's not ignoring your pain, but felt trapped inot trying to love you in a romantic way. Not trapped by you, but by society.
And I think you'll find he feels badly about his "deception" toward you, and this is only adding to his guilt.
Once again I liked this - the beginning pulls you in and then it zips right along.
This time however, I do like the ending. The only thing I'd change is that I would have her tape (with first aid tape) the razor to a toothbrush. (I guess I see the heroine as half McGuyver and half prisoner from Lock-up Raw?)
Or not. Because, once again, your ending is fine as it is.
Hmmmmm, I don't quite know what to say about this. I liked it, I was was entertained by it, it's well written - but I'm almost ashamed that I liked it. I think I feel quilty I liked it.
Maybe it's because I am not a fan of Goth and somehow you wrote a story I enjoyed. Maybe it's because I wanted a more satifsying Hollywood ending where the narrator gets some come-uppance in the end.
Anyway, it's one of the best things I've read on the newbie read list in quite a while. Welcome to Writing.com - you are a writer and this is where you belong.
This is very well written. Very easy to read - good flow - to use one of your words, crisp.
You have a good sense of how to create drama and tension without making it seem too melodramatic, or by using to many friggin' adjectives or adverbs. (forgive me I am tired of adjective/adverb LOADED stories)
I liked the plot too. And I thought the description of the old man was spot on. Just enough to paint him, but not overkill.
Best thing I've read in a while.
My only "complaint" would be that the ending was too vague. I know that it is supposed to be vague, and that more tesion comes from not exactly knowing what will happen to man after he eats the apple. Anyway, I tend to like my endings just a bit more Hollywood - dumbed down and simple.
I think it is the touch of sadness that gives this piece its romantic flavor. I like that the the ghost really misses the sensual aspects of his/her former existence. Isn't that exactly what they would miss?
By the way I think you want to say "cherry-cola" not "cherry-colo" Or maybe not.
This is a very convincing piece of writing. I have to admit I was “fooled” by this, as a thought I was reading (at the beginning and middle) an actual non-fiction first person account.
I mean you never actually blasted someone’s face off did you?
And if you did, would you tell all on writing.com? I guess not.
Anyway you’ve really done a good job at capturing and making believable the narrator’s voice. See I did it again – look at how I used the word capturing with what you did, of course, what I meant to say was good job at CREATING the narrator’s voice.
This is an absolutely riveting story but it left me wanting to know more. How many things do you spill per day? Have you ever tried to tabulate your SPD’s? (spills per day)
And have you ever tried hypnosis to cure your “ailment?”
Is there a club or group that you could join that represents/supports the coordinated impaired?
Any way I look forward to reading more of your misadventures.
Very Nice. I see that your poem has already received an award, and I’m sure that a bunch of people have already told you what a wonderful poem it is. So, be warned, you aren’t going to hear anything new from me since all I am going to do is pile on and gush along with them.
This is very nifty the way you’ve woven together the flowers and the development of your romance (and its ultimate demise). It is just one of the elements that makes this five cuts above your average love poem.
It’s lyrical, it’s full of rich imagery, it kicks ass. Well done.
By the way I googled Hanakotoba to see what it means - so your poem is even educational too.
It’s hard to judge something like this – something that is so emotional and is a watershed moment in one’s life. Nevertheless that is what we do here, so here I go.
This piece of writing definitely has its strong points, and definitely has its flaws. The beginning is too slow and contains too many clichés. I almost didn’t get through the beginning at all.
Which would have been a shame because this is a very interesting story. For me it was the fifth paragraph where you really start hitting your stride as a storyteller. There is a different tone, a different voice you tap into that started to carry me along with you.
Additionally you could definitely expand this into a longer piece. I found myself particularly wanting to know more about your grandparents and their stories too. (They are not your average everyday grandparents to say the least.)
Anyway you are a welcome addition to writing.com because you are definitely a writer. I look forward to reading more of your writing – I look forward to reading more about your story.
I’m going to do something I rarely do around here. I’m going to really criticize this. Why? Because some of it is really good, and some of it is not. If you can rid yourself of the bad elements of this story, you are going to have gold here.
This story, in my opinion, needs to be simplified. I just have the feeling that this story needs more of a Hemingway type delivery to work. Look at your last two sentences. They are neat, clean and short - and they kick-ass.
In fact the third to last line should be trimmed too. I my mind it should read – “He just knelt there, my sister in his arms, his dark hair falling partly over his face.”
That is the voice you should be striving for in this story, throughout the story.
Confused? Let me put this way. The voice you should be going for in this piece should be the voice of a young woman’s, not the voice of an 11th century knight’s.
I mean do any of your friend’s when they are telling you a story say, “I tried to let out a shriek, the sound would not escape my lips. I felt as if my tongue had been caged like a prisoner in my throat.”
Or would they simply say, ”When I tried to yell for help, I couldn’t I was so scared.”
Listen don’t be discouraged by this review. I think the story has potential. I could help you with some more suggestions/edits if you don’t think I’m way off base with what I’ve already suggested.
I don’t know if this poem is for everyone lily, but I thoroughly enjoyed it. It definitely needs editing; the grammatical mistakes in it are too distracting to the reader.
In the description you need to change the a to an an - It’s an interesting poem of how…
All of the No ones and Everyones need to be changed to No one’s and Everyone’s. (It’s possessive, as in it’s no one’s fault).
In the fourth stanza you misspell everyone as everyone.
In the last stanza you use a small I for yourself (So I come to the question…). I assume that this was not a mistake, but a style choice that so many of you youngsters are rolling with nowadays. If so then ignore this “correction.”
I like the voice of this poem. It is clear to me that the author of this poem is not yet an adult. I think that is one of the poems strengths.
It’s good to know that at least some people from the next generation are wondering/concerned about the world’s fate.
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