Damn, Hands I have so much to say to you about this. When I read this, I kind of felt like an English teacher who just read something fantastic a student wrote - a student who I know will surpass me as a writer, by leaps and bounds, down the road. But, like said teacher, I also a lot of suggestions for you too.
The way this is organized was hard on my tired. old eyes. If you do nothing else, please put in a line space between each paragragh.
I would take the "lemme"s and such out. This is a close call for me - I like vernacular. But it seems this stream of consciousness essay borders a litttle too much on the intellectual for that. I know, I know...it's also a f***ing viscerally, primal essay too - so the lemmes work on that level. Your call. Anyway, whatever you do, DON'T take out the weenies. Those really work for some reason.
I would take out the marching to battle against the faggots. I bet you're not a homophobe, most metal guys aren't (even though they toss around words like faggot and such). However, I think it just serves as a distraction to a wonderful piece of writing.
Now I hesitate to suggest this, because others might not agree, but if this was my essay, I would break it down into "chapters." Why? Well one, for hte readability of it, it's long. But two, because it really has definite chapter themes. For instance, that part when you switch to the technical aspects of metal (that "chapter IS muscle flexing, fuel injected metal by the way) to me is a definite chapter break.
Or not. The essay definitely stands on its own. You certainly could tell me, in true metal fashion, to stick all my pretentious, weenie suggestions up my candy ass.
A lot of this essay has a very poetic feel to it. Many of your themes, points, insights, feelings... I believe could be captured into some outstanding poetry. If fact some parts of this essay wouldn't need much changing at all to "turn" it into poetry. Lines like;
Who leads the army into battle?
The vox, the frontman.
or
If the Greeks had a drum god,
it'd be George Kollias,
the 280+ drummer,
the killer blast beats.
in fact need no changing at all.
And if you do decide to "translate" some of this essay into some muscle-flexing, head banging poetry - then I'd definitely switch back to using your lemmes, or contractions like "it'd"....
Anyway, this was a great read. Very nicely done.
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