Nice short. My only problem is figuring out the mixed feelings Len will have at his greta but bombshell news. Very well written, especially the dialog. Created a great atmosphere all could join in and fell what was going on. I'm new here so if you could tell me how to find more of your writing I'd love to read them.
Great story idea, but it seems to drag a bit and moves around too much. Excessive grammatical errors. Read it as a reader and see the rhythm and lack of descriptive opportunities that would enhance your goal of the dark atmosphere. It is a great story idea and has potential to become a dark side novel that would be hard o put down.
This is great. The way it's organized and the words and phrases you use are just great. I very much enjoyed this one. If you keep on this style and awesome descriptiveness you'll be putting out some really great pieces. The writing style in this keeps the reader not just interested in reading it but you become a part of it. Kudos to you. I look forward to reading more of your wrok.
It appears you are shy to the long sentance and makes parts of the story seem redundant. For example; " He kept hoping he hadn’t stretched her patience, even if it didn’t seem to affect her. He kept obsessively looking at his watch as he sped through the streets. I must be out of my fucking mind. He eyed his speedometer. He hadn’t noticed how fast he was going. "Hoping he hadn't finally stretched her patience to the breaking point, obsessively looking at his watch, never noticing speeding through the streets, he glanced down and immediately slowed down." There are a few areas of confusion such as the last paragraph, what was in the needle and was she giving it to him now? and why?
The story idea is great and the ideas expressed in your writing give a clear picture for the most part. I enjoyed it. Is this just one installment? If not I would like to read the others.
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