Good write. Short but packed strongly. I like it, I can relate. I like the ending too. This writing gets right to the point, Good choice of words, well done.
Keep it coming.. Feel free to visit my portfolio anytime,
I like this! I love this poetic prayer you have created. The flow of your words is fairly well… the sincerity of your cries are well expressed. I enjoyed much. I especially like the faith that you speak of through this writing and I believe it will be inspirational to many. Well done!
In my opinion, if you separate the stanzas of your poem it will improve the look and flow greatly. Also, there are some small typo’s… carefully proof and I bet you will see them.
It may be suggested that you shorten the length of this poem, are you somewhat repeating the same? Length is not as important as quality. I think you have some good quality to this work but I recommend shortening. I think it will make stronger and more powerful the pack behind the punch, so to speak.
Good job. Welcome to WDC. Feel free to visit my portfolio anytime.
I adore this poem. I enjoyed reading very much! I honestly think it’s awesome. You did very well. Excellent imagery! I love the way you make comparisons throughout the entire poem.
Some of my favorite lines:
The water, gentle and warm,
Is the everlasting blood of life.
In this silent world,
Words meant nothing.
It's like going to a new country
And interested in their way of life.
Slowly reaching the surface,
I break the underwater universe
Actually, that’s just almost the ending of every stanza. You Rock! I don’t see that there is anything that obviously needs improvement. You have a great talent! Run with it and don’t stop…
It is also neat that you offer this experience to your readers and not all have been ocean swimming… I haven’t… too skeered of the fishes.
The ending is great, leaves a great impression on the readers mind. I am voting a 5… Write on!
Welcome to WDC and feel free to visit my portfolio anytime.
I really like this poem. I enjoyed reading it... the emotions felt by the writer are very clear and well stated, strong.
I especially like the words said about her smile and fragrance, that brings to reality the deep feelings that the writer is conveying.
Also, I like the mixture of finality and despair, hope and joy... but always knowing she is gone. I don't think that could have been better said and how real!
It's always neat to hear such strong emotions coming from a male and if this was written for a woman, she is one lucky one. I hope that someday someone can feel this way for me.
How very interesting…. You are an interesting guy! I love your patriotic allegiance and your faithfulness to your wife and family. Very admirable! I am with you all the way on your Gun law theories and Yeah, Elvis is dead…
Seafood and black liquorice.. yuk! But as you say, if we were all the same, what a boring world this would be. I tend to agree with much of your political beliefs and I don’t care for Hilary or Bill either, George, I suppose your right... he could have made some better choices, but human we must remember. I really don’t know much about politics, kind a over my head but I agree with many of your statements. There is something about Jack Nicholson that I just don’t care for, Can’t put my finger on it… we enjoy the same kinds of music, I noticed and I bet you are a respectable man within your line of business, I have always been interested in Criminal Justice and with my desire to take some more classes, reading about you just may have sparked a fire in me.
I dreamed about playing Monopoly last night and your comment about hating it reminded me… How strange… cause I hate that game too but sure as I was reading about you I remembered my dream of playing it... something for me to ponder, I suppose. I too have been discriminated for being a white woman, as if I had anything to do with slavery… I agree each of us regardless of race should have to make it on our own drive and merits. Great statement there!
Sandra Bullock is cute, cute, cute… great actress, and I agree and like your belief of spirit guides and personal angels assigned to each of us, very encouraging and I needed that reminder. TY. I also agree with your idea of ghosts, Have you seen the TV show “Ghost Whispers”? If not, you may find it interesting. Jennifer Love Hewitt helps spirits find their way to the light. Check it out if you feel obliged too.
Interesting stuff about you. Sorry it took so long for me to get back with you, Been out of pocket for a while.
Sex most important in a relationship? Typical male…lol… but I think your right it is a big part of a strong relationship. It was very interesting to get to know you through this writing and I too would like to have a long conversation with a liberal to see how and why they think and believe as they do.
Well Written! I enjoyed this article very much, packed with wisdom and powerful truth! Beautiful!
Excellent writing! Thank you for posting. It was a great help to read what love truly is, even though I have read it before, it is something I think we should all read daily. You got me thinking with your statement: A person who always puts his/her needs before those of his/her spouse or family is being abusive.
Honestly, not about others that may have abused me, but of myself abusing others.
How did the writing make me feel? Did it invoke any emotions?
Just wow! This made me feel inspired, and reminded me how people can change and things do get better. We sure can’t judge where we will be in time by where we are now because no one really knows what is around the corner.
Can I relate to the writing through a personal experience?
In a way I can relate to this writing, and I remember praying for the cleansing rain to wash the things from me that I have done.
What did I like most?
I like how you follow through with such a story in this writing… Great details and descriptions… You have a good story to tell and you did it rather well. I like how you compare what use to be to what is now, its as if you are looking back but yet taking pride in where you are now, in your accomplishments.
What did I like least?
I really don’t have a least favorite. I think this is excellent. There are some punctuation and spelling errors, a few typo’s here and there, but none of it took away from the message you are conveying.
Did anything stand out?
The entire writing stood out to me and grabbed my attention. Your raw honesty and experience can reach out to the core of many readers.
If this were my own writing, what would I want to know from a reviewer?
You have done a great job at this! I found it very interesting and well worth reading. I hope to read more from you, I think you have the experience and insight to really reach out for people, especially those that may be close to the same situation you were in many years ago…. Then of course, this could be fiction and I could be way off! None the less, great stuff!
How did the writing make me feel? Did it invoke any emotions?
This writing makes me feel somewhat sad. I feel that the writer feels confusion, not knowing what is happening with the relationship and or family.
Can I relate to the writing through a personal experience?
I can relate somewhat. I don’t know that anyone has ever told me I am a terrible person, but I sure felt like that’s what they meant to say.
What did I like most?
I like this line the most: she's cheating on our happy family. Seems to be a lot of truth in that… as a cheater does hurt the entire family and not just the spouse. This line seems to have a strong impact on the readers mind.
What did I like least?
The overall impression left on my mind is that of dark and gloom, I wish the story led to a happier ending, personally.
Did anything stand out?
Again, I would have to say the line about “ she is cheating on our happy family”, that is a powerful line to me.
If this were my own writing, what would I want to know from a reviewer?
I think you have done fairly ok with this, I do think that more clarity would help. I think the ending could use some work but overall not bad. Write on!
How did the writing make me feel? Did it invoke any emotions?
Just adorable! Very entertaining and humorous, I enjoyed this read very much.
Can I relate to the writing through a personal experience?
sure, I seen a thunderstorm :)
What did I like most?
Great imagery! Cute, Cute, Cute!
Favorite line:
Mr Thunder screams like a person gulping water thirstily,
While burping loudly non stop.
What did I like least?
Nothing.
Did anything stand out?
The way you have brought to life the thunder, lightening and even the Sun. I really like the way you have given these things human characteristics.
If this were my own writing, what would I want to know from a reviewer?
You have done a great job with this! I think you have an obvious talent that will take you however far you want to go and also a great sense of humor! Glad I got a chance to read your work, looking forward to more. Write On!
How did the writing make me feel? Did it invoke any emotions?
This is a very cute writing! Funny! I found myself reading it fast, like in a race.
Can I relate to the writing through a personal experience?
I don’t have kids, but I have nephews and I can just imagine them two being Penny and Matthew!
What did I like most?
I like the humor you are conveying through this writing… very cute, for lack of better word.
What did I like least?
A few misspellings through out the writing, came across like you may have written it fast as I read it. Matthew is misspelled several times.
Small typo’s in the following lines:
It’s Penny! Penny’s is in the lead!
She’s down her knickers!
“Their’ and ‘pajamas’ need correcting. I often create my work on a Microsoft word document so that it can catch many of my mistakes before posting it.
Did anything stand out?
Yes, the following lines are just adorable… great imagery…
Matthew’s got soap in his eyes!
Penny’s got soap on her nose!
If this were my own writing, what would I want to know from a reviewer?
You have really done a great job with this! Just adorable! I enjoyed this writing very much and it put a smile on my face. Good job at descriptions, and again, great imagery. Well done! Welcome to WDC and I look forward to reading more of your work.
You know, this writing is really quite profound to me. I am not sure that I grasp the true meaning of what you are attempting to convey but I can say it seems to be beautifully written to me.
Some of my favorite lines:
If there was some way that I could speak through rock
You might just hear these dying roses talk
And
If I had a knack for it I suppose one day
I might rise up and taste the fresh new day
You have six lines to each stanza, all seems to flow fairly well. I do like that you repeat the same lines and end each stanza the same, that seems to hammer your message that much more into the readers mind.
I think you have done well with this and I am looking forward to reading more from you.
I really enjoyed reading this short story… you kept my attention until the very end… I was alert and excited to read your next words. Great Imagery! Strong Emotions! Adorable! I think you did an awesome job on this.
I don’t understand the ending? Is Carmela the woman from the café?
Personally, I think you could improve the ending. In all honesty, the story was so well done and so attention grabbing that when I got to the ending I felt let down, somewhat disappointed.
Your talent for writing is shining through beautifully in this work… Great Job! I can’t even express how great I think it is… just wished the ending would have been a little different.
Other then that, awesome work, in my opinion.
I want to rate a 5 because of how impressed I was with the contents of the story but that ending broke it... but still a beautiful 4
Ok, Here goes… Let me start out by saying… I am not a professional… I seldom have rated stories, I try to stick with poems cause seems easier for me to review… but since you requested my opinion, I will oblige.
If you will space out your paragraphs, it will make it easier on the reader’s eye.
If you will put in Italics when the characters are thinking, it will make it easier for the reader to stay with it.
If you will add punctuation that expresses more of the characters mood, like exclamation points etc… it will put more personality in the dialogues. Also, if you will make it clearer as to which character is speaking… it would be easier on the reader…and also space out your dialogue. Example…
“Ah.” Ben tugged on the weed vigorously
“Ben, be careful,” Alex throws him a piece of old cloth she uses to save her hands from the thorny fur on the weeds.
“Alex? Do you think the Indians will steal our cows?” Ben asks timidly as he rests his arms for a minute.
“Why?” replied Alex abruptly
####
The story plot is good so far. I like the imagery that you project. I can see the talent in your writing very clear.
When Ben leaves the barn and goes out to the forest, it lost me. I had to back track to see how he got there… maybe if you give more detail, not only that he opened the door but that he exited it and headed towards the forest? It seemed only a few minutes that he laid there but yet Alex expresses her concern about him being gone so long? Maybe adding a sense of time to the story would help with the comprehension for a reader.
Great Imagery! Love the humor conveyed … Love the way you express the characters ‘character’ through the imagery you describe. Love the metaphor with the vines versus dreams… well said!
As Alex is enjoying the cool breeze from outside at the window, taking a break from the blaring fireplace… she usually thinks about mother, but… this is what you wrote: Tonight she thinks about …..?? I assume when her father and mother met is where the story goes from here??? But it isn’t made clear. I think more clarity would help here…
I adore the way you ended this piece with understanding her parents to understand herself, represents a deeper message to me and I think it is great.
I think you have done a good job at this… I think with some work it could be awesome and publishing material… I am now curious as to what is haunting her through dreams and tummy aches…. And I want to know what happened to mother!!!! Oh and who is that lurking in the woods? Or what? And will the Indians attack? Seems like that shadow was put in the story for a reason? Or Did they take mom away? Ahhhhh…. You must let me read more !!!!
You have managed to hold the readers attention and make them care for the characters… which in my opinion, is a big part of creating good writing.
Let me say again, I am no professional and I am quite inexperienced at reviewing short stories… I do not even know the proper etiquette for a short story… but I have given you my opinion as a reader and believe me .. there are many out there!
Well done! I say Write ON~! And don’t leave me hanging! Let me read more.
Oh yeah! You got it going on with this poem! I think it is excellent. I don’t see that any corrections are necessary, in my opinion.
You have told a familiar story with perfect flow and rhyme and then you wrap it up beautifully and powerfully with truth. I love the last two lines! Awesome ending!
Personally, I have never been the type of person you are describing, I have always been just the opposite and many times not the most popular… but I have known some people and been close to those that felt as you have expressed through this work and I imagine this writing will hit rock bottom with many readers… it may even minister to them and begin the process of healing…
I adore the positive ending! I just can’t say that enough… Well done! Good Job! Glad I stopped by because I am quite impressed with this poem. I think it will in turn leave an impression on many readers.
I can tell by reading this poem there is much emotion and honesty put into it. It is obviously something heavy on your heart and you have conveyed your feelings well through this writing. The flow is good, the story is clear… the rhythm works well
I think if you used proper punctuation and capitalization it would make it look better. Also, it should be “Your” and not “You” in line 4 of the 2nd stanza, just a small typo.
I can really relate to your words and I think that many readers will be able too. I have know people that I accepted for who they were but they instead wanted to go be with others who insisted on making them into being something that they are not.
Like you ended the poem, Someday they will figure it out, just like we have… and unfortunately sometimes it is too late to go back to the one that accepted from the beginning. You have done a great job with this writing and I hope to get to read much more from you in the future.
This poem is short but sweet. I can feel it… Wouldn’t it be nice if He would take all the pressures from this life, but then again it wouldn’t be life then huh?
What a sweet poetic prayer, I adore it. I am glad I found this read because it was as if I was whispering a prayer while reading. It is so awesome that we have the privilege to write and speak freely about our Lord.
Good Read, I think with some length it could be better but as is it is beautiful.
Wow! Just Wow… I really enjoyed reading this letter to the world and I have to tell you that I learned some things thorough your words and some things I have known, yet your letter reminded me of there importance.
What a positive outlook that is displayed in this writing and so much truth… very profound, makes one stop and consider what really matters in this world. I especially like the statement about us all being bound by this thing called life.
I will take your wise advice throughout this letter and will put effort into turning my anger and frustration into a friendly smile. I am glad that I stumbled across this writing; I do believe I needed to hear these things at this very time of my life.
Good writing! Strong emotion… Well said and expressed.
I think you could add some length to this writing and it would make it that much more powerful. However, as is I think this is well written.
My favorite line would be the last line. I touch your face and all is simple – ahh…. That’s a beautiful feeling… and when I touch your hand I am home … I wish I could feel that way for someone!!!! Good stuff!!
I kind a like this poem, though it is quite simple it for sure has some flow and rolls right of the readers tongue. In my opinion, if you capitalize the letter “I” it would look better….
Also, I think the last line doesn’t flow as well as the others do and if you maybe changed the word “be” to the word “fly” it might sound better, but hey that’s just my thoughts and this is your poem…
Hello! Glad I found this writing… Well written! I like it! I can so relate to this because my inner child does that same thing!!
I like the way you have brought out the imagery of a child kicking and screaming on the inside… Oh man, that is something many have felt in times.
Funny, it seems that at times, the harder we try to control that wailing child, the harder she beats her fists on our inner walls. I like this writing in that it represents an inward battle, one that I fight on a daily basis as you wrote in your poem.
I think you have done a good job here. I do think you can improve it with time but this is a great message and a wonderful start.
I especially like “from the tangled web, I call her home”, sometimes it feels like my inner self in a tangled web as well… I think you will go far with your talent in writing and conveying of emotions. Good Job!
How inspiring this poem is! Well written and so encouraging!
Thank God for his unconditional love!
I have often thought... He could be any way he wanted to be, He is Lord of Lords, He could be a monster if he wanted… but he chooses to be a good God. He wants to love us unconditionally and show mercy and give grace… Wow!
What a beautiful writing! Tells such a precious story and I adore your positive outlook and approach. A very deep topic that you did very well at conveying your feelings.. I look forward to reading more from you.. Keep it coming!
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.22 seconds at 2:07am on May 06, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
How did the writing make me feel? Did it invoke any emotions?
Can I relate to the writing through a personal experience?
What did I like most?
What did I like least?
If this were my own writing, what would I want to know from a reviewer?