A nice little poem of the thoughts that happen spontaneously when thinking about the object of our desire. I don't understand the phrase."but the girl you spit game to".
Is that a typo maybe.
I have to agree that reading is an art and I have developed quite a taste for it. You obviously feel strongly about that as well. What you are trying to say is with a big syou can stay home and travel anywhere by reading.
Now, this is just my opinion, but it ends up being an awkward read.
a number of inconsistencies such as
Capitalizing the second line even though it is a continuation of the sentence above it.
Not capitalizing France and Rome.
Using the word me twice by the end of the first three lines,
There is no period after Rome but you capitalized the next line.
Now here's a suggestion. First read your poem out loud. If you are paying attention and have a thick skin, you will find it a very awkward read.
Start over with your first line and rewrite it so that it sounds conversational
Do that with the second line and then read 1 and 2 together.
If it still sounds conversational continue in the same manner with the remaining lines.
Think of this as a creative exercise. After all, writing is something you can do for the rest of your life. Explore, learn, expand your creative horizon. There is nothing like the satisfaction that comes with writing the perfect line.
What a great story and well told. The writing is not forced or awkward but rather comfortable and conversational. They have a name for dogs like Rufus where I come from. That name is Good Dog!
Renee, you paint a very clear beautiful picture with your poem. I like the shape and rhythm of your piece. I like the use of the phrase 'circular reach" I have never heard that before. I believe you misspelled the word lies in the second to last stanza.
Hi, I like the humorous playfullness in this poem. I liked your use of the title in the very first line. I like lack of capitalization. You use few commas or periods giving the poem inconsistent punctuation. I'm not sure how much change it would make if you broke this up into more stanzas.
Hope I dont come across as negative or snooty.
I like writing lyrics, too. You give your title in the very first line. Just a suggestion but since you enjoy writing lyrics check out lyrics from really successful writers like Lennon/McCartney, Leiber and Stoller, Prince, U2.
You'll find the lyrics are almost simplistic, utilise a rhyming scheme, each lyricist deeps the number of lines in a verse the same for each verse, they almost have a chorus and sometimes have a bridge.
If you want to stand out from the crowd of lyric writers on this web site, try incorporating the tricks of the trade other successful lyric writers do.
Hey that really came together well. It is almost conversational which makes it more personal and accessible for me the reader. Good title for this piece. Like how you used ... to get me to slow down and consider (i forget what ... are called).
Yes, love can be unkind but hey, what a way to go!
Well done, I like how you tied out the ending to the title. It reads well with a comfortable rhythm most of the time. I would like to have seen you choose less old fashioned phrases.
I admit that I don't usually read short stories but since you reviewed one of my pieces I would like to reciprocate.
Nice twist at the end about smelling the flower. Is that legend true or did you just make that up?
I thought you told the story clearly and you built the characters as the piece progressed. I think this would benefit from a neutral edit of paragraph length, punctuation, phrasing, and clarity.
This is a very The only clever turn of phrase is "I'll drain your sorrow". The phrases ocean of love, hold you tight, angel sent from above, like there's no tomorrow, this love is true, only reason to live. Using common phrases such as these, makes your poem usual, not new, and comfortable for the writer and the reader.
This is totally meant as just my opinion and therefore weightless in the great scheme of things.
I have been a member for a couple of weeks now and you could seperate yourself from the crowd of poets who write machinelike, same rhymes, no surprises.
Nice,, clear, evocative, linear development. Favorite part is "The last track of warmth". Just a suggestion, it would be more powerful if you restated your ideas in more subtle, leaping ways. Surprise the reader with a different way to see what you see and feel.
A very nice sentiment heref. Just a suggestion but at times it feels like you use too few words in some phrases. For example
You children make you proud.
They're happy to be your child
in the first line you use children plural and in the next line you use the word child singular. It's like your trying to use a monkey wrench to hang a picture. Also, there are numerous places that couldf use a comma, natural rhythm breaks like
You walk in warmth Sun's glow.
after the word warmth.
I hope I don't sound all negative or snooty. I see that you are a prolific writer and these are just meant as suggestions an editor might make
Beautiful words for your mother. I hope she knows how much you love her. You obvious ly stayed on topic..The third line has an extra word in it, define. In the second to last stanza the word cleans is misspelled. and perhaps you might put a comma after clean, a natural break in the rhythm of that line. In that same stanza the word fed is misspelled.
In that same stanza the line, "If she could she’ll heal the sick, and raise the dead"
since you used the word could, the next word sIhould be she'd. If the phrase started "If she can" then the next word would be she'll.
Beautiful poem to your mom.
I hope I don't sound negative or snooty.
Hey, I have an alternate title for you.
Tears and Rain.
I like your poem and get your concept, avoidance of pain. I am left a little in the gray zone about the source of the pain. It would benefit by giving axample(s).
Back to the idea of a title change, I see the tears and rain used the second time in the next to last line.
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