A nice quiet little poem, I like the phrase, "Clothed in sentiment,".I gte what you are trying to do here but, the words you have chosen come across awkwardly. like this phrase,
An unyielding antithesis
emerges from unknown places
taken literally says
an inflexible opposite arrives from someplace mysterious.
So, ok, so, it comes across like word excercises, you know, how many words can you lift how far.
Also you say something is closed in sentiment and then proceed clinically, the hell with sentiment.
I hope by this point you haven't flipped me off and sworn at the screen.
Let me finish by saying that I am attracted to this piece because of it's not a cookie cutter rhyming poem and You have something to say and you said it. You are not wrting to please me, but as the reader I read to please myself if that makes any sense.
A challenging poem to read. Comeuppance means punishment or retribution for what one deserves. It has a negative quality and doesn't suit the line it is in. Likewise the word renown doesn't fit in it's line either.
I like how the piece starts very much.
Good boiling angry rageful pouring out of thoughts and feelings. Hey nothing to argue about. This is what you feel so thisis what you wrote. I looked up the definition in the free online dictionary.
Respect is a mysterious thing. I've been accused of something I didn't do and then kicked out of my flesh and blood family. Geez how do you make it better if you didn't do anything wrong?
After about 3 years i learned to live without them. We ater reconciled but our honest relationships were ruined when they exiled me.
The other thing about respect and not getting it from someone is consider the source, maybe you're just casting pearls before swine.
keep writing - peach
tr.v. re·spect·ed, re·spect·ing, re·spects
1. To feel or show deferential regard for; esteem.
2. To avoid violation of or interference with: respect the speed limit.
3. To relate or refer to; concern.
n.
1. A feeling of appreciative, often deferential regard; esteem. See Synonyms at regard.
2. The state of being regarded with honor or esteem.
3. Willingness to show consideration or appreciation.
4. respects Polite expressions of consideration or deference: pay one's respects.
5. A particular aspect, feature, or detail: In many respects this is an important decision.
Nice to read a haiku. When you post a haiku you find people don't know it's a three line poem, etc... I like yours. My only constructive comment is that since line two introduces fire shouldn't the ice turn into liquid.
This is the second poem of yours I have read and I enjoyed them both. You have a real knack for looking at the mundane vouluptuously that has you making your suprise leaping phrases naturally. The way it starts feels like you began easily and playfully. Even if that is not true you have me thinking creatively.
Broken Dreams. YOu stuck to the topic stated by the title. Sort of a thrown off thought poem. In the fifth line you need to use the word they instead of the word it.
Hey, Geat idea and execution.. let me see being as how im a guy here are a couple more.
No thanks
Mr. Everythings-about-you
No thanks
Mr Sensitivity
No thanks
Mr Thinks-he-can-write-poetry
Well written and heartfelt. My heart goes out to you.. You misspelled the word toll in line 14. I always like unforced conversational verse and phrasing.
Nice theme development. You did a good job writing a song during the story. Funny, my story is similar to Jesse's, but in my case, I lost my sweet Carmel (yes, that was her name.)
Now that I am bummed out I will just have to say:
peace - peach
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