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His Mother's undulating wails filled his mind;
The word Mother doesn't need to be capitalized because it isn't being used as a name, but as a title.

so she could give them to mama and everyone . . .
In this sentence, mama should be capitalized because it's being used as her name.

and his eight year old, thirty pound body . . .
I have an eight year old boy, and he's considered small for his age at 62 pounds. I'm thinking 30 pounds would be far too low for him if he was the kind of kid that acted tough. Just a thought for you to consider.

and he murmured "Sari, Sari, Sari, Sari,..."
Just need a comma after murmured.

"Yes doctor, she is asking why her son was released without her being told."
Since doctor is being used as a name, it should be capitalized and have a comma directly before it. Any kind of name or endearment should be preceded by a comma when it is being used as a direct address.

Throughout the story, I noticed a lack of commas within compound sentences. A compound sentence is a sentence that combines two independent clauses with a coordinating conjunction such as and or but. Here's a great link that will help explain it much better than I ever could. Coordinating Conjunctions and Compound Sentences  

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“What’s up puss, someone coming?”
Just need a comma before puss because it's a direct address.

“Looks like your kitty sitter’s here Manny.”
Same thing here, just need a comma before Manny. There are several spots like this throughout the chapter, but I figured you'd be able to find them pretty easy, so I didn't mark each one down.

A primered, two-tone 59 Chevy delivery van . . .
First, I'm not sure what primered means. Did you intend to say primed, or am I just clueless about the lingo? Also, I believe there should be an apostrophe before 59 to show the missing part of the number, like so: '59

The instant Merci opened the back door Mandela ran through like he had a deranged . . .
Consider adding a comma after door to show the introductory phrase.

Two years at Oxford was enlightening, but much to steeped in old . . .
The word to should be too.

“Got a new toy for you to check out on your adventure?”
I don't think this was meant to be a question, considering Merci's answer.

you will be able to see through anything, cept lead.
There should be an apostrophe in front of cept to show the missing letters. For example, 'cept.

She pointing at the mysterious devices.
Consider pointed rather than pointing for a smoother flow.

seeing that he didn’t quiet have Merci’s full attention.
I think the word quiet was meant to be quite.

Simene’s devise showed her own face
The word devise should be device.

“Dam. I hadn’t thought about it.”
The word Dam should be Damn.

“Your right, they would arrest you . . .
The word Your should be You're.

She sighed, “but I don’t think . . .
This is an action, so the comma after sighed should be a period, and the but should be capitalized.

After rummaging through a self of leather . . .
Just a typo on shelf.

she returned to the kitchen and placed the one titled, Merci at fifteen, in front of Simene, . . .
Since Merci at fifteen is a title, consider capitalizing fifteen and placing the title in italics.

Night's in Alaska are awesome dark.
The apostrophe here isn't needed because the s indicates a multiple, not possession.

you’ve crossed into a restricted military reserve sir?”
Consider a comma before sir because it's a direct address.

“No sir Captain.
First, this dialogue could be placed in the same paragraph as him shaking his head prior to this. Then, consider a comma before and after sir to show the direct addresses.

before the ten-mile restriction Ned.”
Same thing here. Ned is a direct address, so there should be a comma before it. There are a couple more that I didn't jot down for you, so be sure to take a quick look for more when you're editing.

Holly shit!
I think this is a typo.

“Eighty feet off the shore, ten fathoms of water at low tide, the man replied.”
The dialogue should end after low tide,.

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“So, here we are”
Just missing the comma after are.

“How you doin little puss puss. Any bad dreams,”
The word doin should have an apostrophe to show the missing letter: doin'. Also, consider a comma before little puss puss because it's a direct address. One last thing, consider a question mark at the end of Any bad dreams for a smoother flow.

Mandela mewed in answer, and rolled onto his back, . . .
Since both actions are performed by the same subject, the comma isn't needed.

“Okay, brat cat, she yelled,
Just missing the ending quote mark after cat,.

Before her first day in Sakai intermediate was done, . . .
Since intermediate is part of the school's name, it should be capitalized.

not only for its eye appealing aesthetic's,
The apostrophe in aesthetics isn't needed.

The lab was in reality,
Consider a comma after was to show that in reality is an added element.

Mandella is spelled two different ways throughout. Sometimes it has one L and sometimes it has two.

she would not ne able join him
Just a typo on be.

Remember that any time a name is used as a direct address, it should be preceded by a comma.

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. . . she settled into a solitary lifestyle on the estate, Soon enough, . . .
The comma before Soon should be a period.

Thanks to his, in your face, feel the fear lessons, . . .
Consider: Thanks to his in-your-face, feel-the-fear lessons, . . .

. . . designed by a twelve year old with a . . .
Consider: twelve-year-old

I grabbed the it, immediately struck with a knowing anticipation.
There's an extra the before it.

how better to assess the emotional fortitude of my precocious nine year old.
The words nine year old should be hyphenated.

making split second decisions,
I think split second could be hyphenated to form one concept.

not so much from the five inch gash in my calf,
I think five inch could be hyphenated to form one concept.

and still burning from a server case
Just a typo on severe.

but the four inch gash would endure
Earlier, it was a five-inch gash.

whether it is machete swinging Hutu's or 2,000-pound Siberian Tigers.
The is should be was to maintain tense.

Merci was his only restraint, his shirt tugging--wide-eyed megaphone shouting silently--this is far enough daddy.
I had to read this sentence several times to understand what it was saying. I think the part that confused things was his before shirt-tugging because it made it seem like he tugged his own shirt.

and all to soon, himself.
The word to should be too.

breathtaking years with daddy.
The name daddy should be capitalized because it's being used as a direct name.

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“Stop staring at me or I’ll kill you again you murdering bastard.”
Consider a comma before you murdering bastard because it's being used as a direct address.

The black-faced man cocked his head, straining to identify the sounds origin.
Consider an apostrophe in sound's to show its possession of origin.

He shook it off knowing that any distraction from the plan at this point would mean failure for his team.
Consider a comma before knowing.

The chairs smooth Corinthian leather fit Sam’s form . . .
The word chairs should be chair's to show possession of the leather.

. . .they pursued the planets worst predators . . .
Planets should be planet's.

but something when wrong.
I think the word when was meant to be went.

dislodged from the buildings moldering parapet
Buildings should be building's.

They knew nothing of the children and in the moment, . . .
Consider a comma before and.

on the worlds killing fields.
The word worlds should be world's.

one cloaked in a tightest shroud of secrecy,
Consider: one cloaked in the tightest shroud . . . OR one cloaked in a tight shroud . . .

He was assigned to command an off-the-grid team of talented engineers creating a precision, go anywhere, at any time, assemblage of one-off search and recovery vehicles, Sam was skeptical.
The comma before Sam should be a semicolon or full stop because both the sentence before it and after it can stand alone, which causes a comma splice.

north of Groom Dry Lake was disembowel to accommodate the massive underground project.
The word disembowel should be disemboweled.

Except for a dozen maintenance personnel, nowhere became an underground ghost town, . . .
Since nowhere is being used as a place name, consider capitalizing it.

not for Sam Remy who was losing himself in the alcoholic haze.
Consider using an in place of the for a smoother flow.

so he did what he always did when faced with the unknown, gather as much Intel as possible.
Consider: so he set to do what he always did when faced with the unknown--gather as much Intel as possile. OR so he did what he always did when faced with the unknown--gathered as much Intel as possible.

“Get yourself together Sam.
Just need a comma before Sam because it's a direct address.

“You still drink bourbon general?
Since general is being used as an address, it should be capitalized, and it should also be preceded by a comma.

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Helpless--her mind continued drifting to strange places.
Consider using a comma here instead of an em dash.

grandmothers handed-down recipe
I think you need an apostrophe in grandmother's to show possession of the recipes.

Would her life be so different if they knew, she wondered?
I'm pretty sure that the question mark should be after knew. If you even need it. Placing it after she wondered doesn't work because it is a thought tag, which is treated the same as a dialogue tag. Try one of the following: Would life be so different if they knew, she wondered. or Would life be so different if they knew? she wondered. I like it without the question mark. Since it isn't a direct question, I think leaving the question mark out would work well.

Don’t touch that Merci. Don’t eat that Merci. Run Merci, run.
Since her father said these things directly to her, there should be a comma preceding each use of her name.

“I miss you daddy.”
Even though this is a thought, it is being said as though speaking to her dad, so the word daddy should be capitalized and preceded by a comma.

of the Emerald city couldn’t hold back
If the name of the city is Emerald City then the word city should be capitalized because it's a part of the name.

What’s wrong boy?”
Consider a comma before boy because it's an endearment being used as a direct address.

awakened by the storms first jarring roll of thunder.
There should be an apostrophe in storm's to show possession of the thunder.

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Her big, beautiful, tawny eyes roamed the scenery outside her glass frame, taking in every detail.
Since this is written from her perspective, it doesn't quite work for her to describe her own eyes in this kind of detail. Realistically, one wouldn't think of their own features like this.

It got dark quick in the evening, night fell early and swiftly.
The sentence before the comma is an independent clause, meaning it can stand alone, and the sentence after the comma is also an independent clause. In order to eliminate the comma splice, you need to either separate the two sentences with a semicolon or full stop, or provide a coordinating conjunction after the comma such as and. Here's an awesome link just in case I confused the situation with my explanation. The Comma Splice  

. . . in small burst of artificial daylight.
I think the word burst should be plural.

I noticed a lack of commas in introductory phrases. Here are a couple of examples with the commas added in.
~ After an exhausting day of school and a lost basketball game(,) she was more than ready to fling herself onto her warm cozy bed.
~ With each flash(,) Amber saw the woods light up around her.

This belongs in a horror movie. She thought.
Direct internal thoughts work the same as dialogue, so the dialogue tag, she thought should be an addition to the sentence. Consider: This belongs in a horror movie, she thought.

In burst of the flashing light Amber caught a swift glance at the street sign: Vixen Hollow.
The wording here is a little bit awkward for me. Also, you used burst to describe the light in the previous paragraph, so it felt a little bit repetitive. Consider: In the glow caused by the flashing light(,) Amber caught a swift glance . . .

She stopped dead in her tracks and studied the boy, looking for anyone she recognized from school.
The last part, looking for anyone she recognized from school, made me think she looked around to see if she could see any familiar faces, but I think what you meant was for her to be wondering if she could place him as someone she'd seen at school before. Consider rephrasing to eliminate confusion.

I noticed a lack of commas before conjunctions in compound sentences. A compound sentence is a sentence that contains two independent clauses that are joined by a conjunction such as for, and, nor, but, or, yet, and so. In order to make the sentence proper, a comma should be placed directly before the conjunction. Here are a couple of examples for you with the commas added in.
~ Her stop was the furthest from town(,) and she was always the last one off.
~ Most of his face was covered in shadows from a low hanging hat(,) but Amber could still tell she had never seen him before.

“Sorry John, I’ll be right up.” Replied Amber.
Consider a comma before John because it is a direct address. Also, since replied Amber is a dialogue tag, the period at the end of the dialogue should be a comma, and the dialogue tag should start in lower case. For example, "Sorry, John. I'll be right up," replied Amber. This issue is repeated several times throughout the story.

He saw Amber moving away and labeled her the reason of his agony.
Consider using for instead of of for a smoother flow.

She spun it around in her and after studying it for several moments . . .
I think you're missing the word hand after in her.

He didn’t get a reply as the girl slowly ambled down the walkway.
Since the perspective of the narrative is Amber's, this doesn't work because she wouldn't think 'the girl.' Consider, He didn't get a reply as she slowly ambled . . .

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Hiya, Gary !

This review is being made on behalf of "Invalid Item" . We hope you are enjoying your shower!

I am more than happy to offer my reactions and suggestions for your work. Please keep in mind these are my opinions, so feel free to disagree.

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Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.

The animal clinic looked more like a cottage than a place of business, and a bell suspended from the door, chimed when I pushed it aside.
The comma after door isn't needed, as far as I can see. It interrupts the flow of the sentence.

"Pleased to meet you," I hesitated and then took her hand, "Mrs. Whittaker?"
The section I hesitated and then took her hand is an action, not a dialogue tag, so the commas should be full stops.

The authorities would come, and when my baby was born take her from me.
Since when by baby was born is an introductory phrase, consider a comma prior to it and after it.

With one firm hand around my upper arm, she pulled me up, and headed toward the back door.
Since the same person performs both actions, the comma after up isn't needed.

Mrs. Whittaker sighed and opened the car door, . . .
This sentence needs its own paragraph so that the dialogue from Alexandria and the actions of Mrs. Whittaker aren't combined in the same paragraph.

When I woke the next morning, . . .
Since this is being told in past tense, and this sentence is about the past, it should be, When I had woke the next morning so that the reader understands it is what happened before the start of the story.

I endured the icy jelly squishing under the doctor's instrument, while she listened to the heart beat and watched the monitor.
The word while is a subordinating conjunction, so no comma is needed.

"A child possessing the halo effect—"Doctor Jennings, as if considering my age, . . .
Just need a space after the quote mark before Doctor.

What did he mean? It's the only way?
Consider placing this in one sentence. For example, What did he mean, It's the only way?

"It's one of the original homes, built in the 1800's.
Consider removing the comma here for a smoother flow.

Years ago—"Mrs. Whittaker . . .
First, there needs to be a space before Mrs. However, I think using an ellipses would work better here to show that her words fade away, rather than being cut off.

all the way to the back of the house, where a solid glass door overlooked a garden, illuminated by hundreds of miniscule lights, . . .
The comma before illuminated isn't needed because the garden that directly precedes it is what is illuminated. The comma ends up separating the noun from its verb.

I sucked in a breath and cradled my baby bump.
This sentence needs its own paragraph because the dialogue and other actions are all Mrs. Whittaker's.

Becky squeezed my hand and then released it. "Promise me you'll think it over. You might change your mind."
New Paragraph here so that Becky's dialogue and action isn't mixed in with Alexandria's.

"She asks where Auntie Alex is, every single Saturday.
No comma here.

before the graveled driveway appeared, where several cars were parked.
No comma before where here because it is acting as a subordinating conjunction to combine an independent clause and a dependent clause.

I stole into her office and Googled 'halo effect."
Just need to be consistent with which quote mark you are using here.

"We'll be closing shop now, Miss Alexandria's ready to have her baby."
These are both independent clauses, so the comma should be a full stop or a semicolon.

But, yes, my instincts say the child is an extraordinary being, gifted by the Halo Effect.
Just missing the end quote marks on this dialogue.

blessedly missed the first demonstration of the Heaven's abilities.
The word the is extra here.

but the wariness in her eye spoke otherwise.
The word eye should be plural.

Keep my mother away from this child.
Consider placing this in italics because it's a direct thought.

I'll bet my mom has plenty to say. What if the event hits the news?
These sentences are in present tense, but they should be in past. For example, I'll bet my mom had plenty to say. What if the event hit the news?

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .