My Personal Impression
I enjoyed reading this. I found it a whole new take on 'selling your soul'. The gradual increase of suspense worked well to keep me hooked and make me need to know what the end result would be. I also liked how you used the T.V. to show the character his past scene by scene.It enhanced the pacing well.
Strengths
The tone you used in this was intense and abrupt, letting the author know right from the beginning that a happily-ever-after was not in the cards for Dan. It worked well to trap me in the beginning by making me wonder what the man wanted. Dan's confusion only heightened the need for me to keep reading. If he didn't even know, then I figured it had to be something really big.
You did a good job of laying clues throughout the progression of the piece. Each scene served a purpose in the setting of the plot line, and as I look back over it, the progression was steady and smooth. It's one of those stories where the hints become clear as soon as the mystery is solved, yet the hints were abstract enough that I didn't put it all together too soon. Good work.
I feel that I got to know Dan's character quite well. His reactions to the man in the T.V were realistic. He felt terror, confusion, suspense, and even resignation a few times as he realizes that no matter how much he would love to go back to bed and forget everything, he had no choice but to see the situation through. His physical reactions seemed realistic too, but I wonder if perhaps moving around a bit more would heighten the increasing tension by showing his discomfort. He stays in the bed for the most part, but I think if it was me, I would have been jumping off to try and turn the T.V off manually, or maybe even cover it with a blanket. Not very reasonable, no, but I don't know that the reaction would be reasonable, especially considering that the man does things that aren't 'humanly' possible. For a regular guy, I think that would be very disturbing. Something for you to ponder on.
I have to say, I loved the ending. You did a great job at delivering the final blow in a way that gave me that 'aha' moment. The last sentence left me knowing exactly what would happen next. Well done.
My Favorite Parts
As the teen returned on the screen, I realized the awful truth. Tonight my TV would not be fighting the terror of the dark. No, tonight it would be supplying it.
This was a great mood setter. It took the atmosphere from confused to eerie by providing a smooth transition for the reader. It also hinted at the fact that he suffered from mistakes he made in his past. Very effective.
The man returned on the screen only this time his hair was disheveled, his grin seemed more forced than usual, and his eyes were showing hints of redness.
This section worked very well to show the gradual changes in the man himself as the story progressed. He began completely composed, but as the story moved along, he became more and more unstable, showing the reader who or what he may be. Well done.
General Suggestions
My main suggestion for you is to do a slow reading of this out loud to yourself. Many of the errors I found below would be noticed if your eyes slowed down a bit when reading through. The thing is that as writers, we read our own work so many times while we edit that we often miss small errors because we are scanning more than reading. Believe me, I do it all the time! One other suggestion I have for you is to reduce the passive voice in this piece. Even though much of it is based on past events, the use of words such as 'was, were, had, could' etc. don't need to be used in order to set the tense, and they can often be replaced with active verbs which bring the scene to life for the reader. Here is a link to an article which explains it a bit better than I could if you are interested:
http://users.wirefire.com/tritt/tip1.html
Grammar/Punctuation/Spelling, etc.
Like I said above, many of these points are simple typos, so don't be discouraged by the list.
...as I saw no base in which it connected too.
I believe the word 'too' should be 'to'.
I listened intently expecting to hear a response.
Consider a comma after 'intently' to smooth the flow of the sentence.
So I brought my eyes back to The TV.
The words 'brought my eyes back' are a bit passive. Since you are trying to build the suspense, I would suggest a more active verb than 'brought'. Perhaps something like: My eyes darted back to the TV.
...a reality based film per say.
The words 'per say' should be 'per se'. However, consider using 'if you will'. It seems to fit the sentence a bit better from my perspective.
My eyes were wide in terror.
Because this sentence is meant to instill suspense in the reader, consider reducing the passive 'were wide'. Consider: My eyes widened in terror. It is a bit more active, allowing the reader to 'see' it happen.
His hands were now stretched out. Both of his pointer fingers were pointing at the camera. Pointing at me!
You're going to get sick of me and passive voice, but these two sentences could give a much bigger impact if they were less passive. Consider: His hands stretched out and he pointed at the camera. At me.
“This is no dream Dan,”
When using a name as a direct address, a comma should precede the name.
“Oh you know me, and if you don’t. You will.”
Consider a comma in place of the period so the momentum of the sentence isn't interrupted.
“Oh your comedy won’t get you far,...
Consider a comma after 'Oh' to show that it is an expression.
Besides I’m not the star of this film, you are.”
Consider a comma after 'Besides' to show that it is a transitory word.
I would have shaved Ten minutes...
The word 'ten' doesn't need to be capitalized.
I would most likely come Into contact with other kids.
The capitalization of 'Into' isn't necessary.
And who can blame them?
Consider using 'could' instead of 'can' in order to maintain the past tense.
My white rebook sneakers where littered...
I think the word 'where' should be 'were'.
“Wow what a rush huh?
Consider some punctuation to make this more dramatic. For example: Wow, what a rush, huh?
“Oh come on Dan, your killing me here…
The word 'your' should be 'you're' which stands for 'you are'.
“Oh, it’s fun one Dan.
Consider adding 'a' before 'fun'.
As he placed his hands behind his head and plopped his feet onto his desk; the red phone floated by his right ear.
This semicolon should be a comma because the first part of the sentence is dependent.
I watched as my drunken walked into my room.
I'm not sure I understand this sentence. Do you mean he was drunk when he walked into the room? Perhaps you mean, 'my drunken self'?
“Your right, this all does seem a bit contrived.
The word 'your' should be 'you're'.
In Conclusion
All in all, I enjoyed reading this story. You have a very good handle on story elements and character development, as well as intriguing and holding on to the reader. I believe that some careful editing and a bit more 'showing' would take this from good to great with little effort. If you decide to edit or revise, feel free to let me know. I would be more than happy to come back and re-rate it accordingly.
Thank you for posting your work and allowing me to comment on it. If you do not agree with my suggestions, that is just fine. They are definitely yours to do with what you wish.
Happy Writing!
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