I like this short and sweet tribute to whomever you love.
One line did kind of stick out to me. Perhaps I am not understanding its meaning, but the line: "‘tis like chaff to a strong breeze."
It seems out of place somehow, unless you're meaning the breeze soothes the chaff.
Overall, well done.
I really loved this piece. There was one sentence that seemed a bit awkward to me. "I will choose to let the past be past and face only what comes today be of concern."
Perhaps, "I will choose to leave the past behind, and face what comes today. Leave out the 'of concern'.
Otherwise, a great read, one which I needed to hear right now.
I think this poem is beautiful. A wonderful tribute to long lasting love.
I thought the flow was wonderful, the words evoked longing and hope of that kind of love.
My favorite lines were:
"Come September,
when the colors of our passion
were no longer riotous,"
The fading of passion comes with time. I loved the way you put it in that line.
Well done.
Robin,
This was nicely done. I could see the child's feet, one step at a time, sneaking downstairs. I could feel his battle, trying to be quiet, yet wanting to just run to that tree.
I can almost feel the chill of a snowy Christmas morning.
My favorite lines are:
"Ripples of anticipation,
Intoxicated with excitement."
I love this article.
I've been hounded with all the 'rules' you've mentioned in here, and now, my eyes are opened.
I'm saving this to my favorites for future reference.
I'm so glad I can end a sentence with a preposition.
I want my work to flow, but I also want it to sound natural as well.
I write now with an open mind.
Bravo!
I love this poem. Well written, wonderful flow and candence.
The subject is a very timely one. (no pun intended)
I read so much more in this poem than mere words. I read it with my spirit. I long for that day. The true reality of living.
I feel it deserves an honored place.
Well done.
I am moved to tears! It is never ealy to lose a child.
I've never lost a child, but my niece did. It was so hard on her. I can empathize with your loss.
What a beautiful tribute to a precious soul, so short upon this earth.
My favorite verse: "I'd hoped to read you fairy tales, hear your prayers, teach you rhyme;
But now your tales are fairer and your verse eclipses mine;"
Well done, and deserves more than 5 stars.
This story kept my interest, telling, yet not telling, making me want to read more.
I loved the scene between Hannah and Erica. I could see that clearly in my mind.
Grammar and Spelling
There was some gramatical errors in the second paragraph.
"There was a time, not too long ago, when the police were a welcomed presence. A normal part of the scenery in downtown Toronto. Riding on their bikes or waving to the locals from their cars. That was all before the occupation and revolution. Now they were a symbol of a foreign power in Canada’s largest metropolis and a reminder of the restrictions they all now lived under."
Commas should be used here: "(It was) a normal part of the scenery in downtown Toronto(,) riding on their bikes or waving to the locals from their cars."
Genre
I love religious science fictiion. I have one as well, entitled Shadow Walk, so seeing the genre you listed intrigued me.
I loved the visuals in this poem. I could feel everything you described.
I have nothing to critique in this most beautiful vision of a thunderstorm.
My favorite line is the last, as, indeed, beauty is in the eye of the beholder.
Well written, loved the formatting, and I look forward to viewing mor of your port soon.
This poem seems to speak to me of the only one who can fall and rise many times, and that is the ancient Lucifer, fallen from Heaven.
I'm not sure if this was what you wanted to convey, but it's what it spoke to me.
What a sad poem.
I loved it anyway. You seem to capture the heart of someone who will only love once in life.
My heart goes out to you. I hope one day, you will be able to love again. If this was for a contest, you have awesome inner resources to create some great works.
Keep writing, and creating. You have talent.
Serenity,
This is a very sweet story. I really enjoyed it.
Thank you for sharing.
The magic of Christmas has never left me, and this story keeps it alive.
Just one suggestion: You might run a grammar check on this story.
Wonderful story.
This has a lot of potential.
Being a fellow writer, I'm passing along what's been drummed into my head.
Point of View: You have mixed POV's in here. It also should all be past tense format.
Also, you might consider really going through it and removing som of the repitition.
Example: A small woman of about 5’1” walked down the dusty road, her bright green eyes looking up at the hill before her, she sighed and started the climb up what looked like a mountain. But though it seemed like a very steep hill, it also seemed as if it were nothing to climb for this small woman. She wore a red silk and cotton weave cloak that covered her clothes, and red knee length boots, and red elbow length gloves; she had fox red hair, with streaks of white running through it, and creamy white skin.
Suggested changes: "The small woman trudged down the dusty road, her bright green eyes keen on the hill before her. She sighed as she faced the climb. It may as well have been a mountain, though it really wasn't anything for her to climb. But she was tired.
Her dusty clothes were red, including her boots, cotton-weave cloak, boots and gloves. Her hair, a fox-red, was streaked with white, complimenting her creamy white complexion."
Understand, this is merely a suggested change.
Overall, I liked this piece.
Let me know what changes, if any, you make.
Keep writing!
Cat,
My heart goes out to you! I have been a recipient of blessings from Anonymous.
What a wonderful tribute to those who sit quietly, doing things for others who never know their benefactor. I hope to read more of your wonderful work.
I am also humbled and awed by your heartfelt thanks, and your candor.
We all go through crises, and I pray that everything is better than it was before.
Thank God for overcomers like you. It gives others hope, when hope seems dim.
My the Lord bless you and keep you. May He make His face to shine upon you all the days of your life.
This is a nice visual. One thing you might consider. The word "plain " in this piece should be "plane" instead.
I really enjoyed it. Keep writing. Thanks for sharing it.
I like this piece. It spoke to me. We all need to dig deeper with each other; not just look on the surface. I did have a few problems with a few sentences. You might want to simplify them.
This is an inspirational work. I hope people who read it take it to heart.
Bravo
Ok. You now have a fan. I am intrigued by this.
I hope you post more. I'm now wondering where this place is, Paradise.
Without giving anything away for other readers, I am anxious to find out what happens next.
Please post the next installment.
I liked this poem. I'm not quite sure if this is something you wrote by life experience, or not.
It appears to me, that you're saying that no matter what, you are going to live your life.
Overall, well written.
Aurora
Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/joyfulwriter
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.23 seconds at 1:16am on May 04, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
