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93 Public Reviews Given
306 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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Review by jprsauve
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Good story. I only have one question. How did she get the gun? She looking out the window and suddenly she turns and shoots him. Also, most chest wounds would be fatal, not to mention the two more sots, although we don’t know where they went. It’s possible she was an inexperienced shooter.

Keep up the good work.

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Review of Prologue  
Review by jprsauve
Rated: E | (4.5)
Good start to what will be an entertaining story. You have created an interesting world, or parallel world with some interesting characters. You seem to have good and evil worked out well and the common desire that both of them wish. I have a problem keeping who is who and what race due to the long and complicated names or places and races, but that is my problem, not yours. It is a little hard to picture some of the characters, but I think that is due to your wish to make them as different from humans as possible. Lines like “impression of a wolf backed into a corner.” Help a lot.

Keep up the good work.

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Review by jprsauve
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Well written story. My only comment other than the grammatical suggestions below is the ending. It ends too abruptly. You did a great job leading up to the climax but then it just died, literally. Keep up the good work

Your words, cut directly from your story, are in bold, everything else is my opinion, and please remember it is only my opinion.

That night, all night, George had a trouble some sleep

Think “trouble some” should be “troublesome”

And there was the figure, floating very, very fast, almost running

Floating, usually means that it’s stationary, or moving very slowly. So putting very, very fast right after it doesn’t seem to read right.

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Review of Eternally Yours  
Review by jprsauve
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Good story idea. I think it needs a bit of work. You’ve written a good suspenseful story, the ending is suitably twisted and unexpected. I do have a problem with the last paragraph. You’ve told the story from the girls’ point of view, but the ending doesn’t seem to have a point of view. Maybe you could make it so that her family or boyfriend is watching the TV when the report comes on. I have noted a couple of grammatical errors that you may wish to correct. Your words, cut directly from your story, are in bold, everything else is my opinion, and please remember it is only my opinion.

She had an idea that it was pure greed that motivated the management open until late.

This line doesn’t read right, you might try: “She had an idea that it was pure greed that motivated the management to keep the establishment open so late.”

Her house was a ten minute walk up the road so when the view from her window showed a promising day she had decided to leave her motor at home and stretch her legs

Colloquially terms like “motor” should probably be changed to “car” to satisfy an international audience.

She was part reading getting home, despite the long day.

This line doesn’t read right, not sure what you are try to convey, so I won’t offer a suggestion.

Keep up the good work.

Peter
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Review by jprsauve
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Nice sentimental view of past and present loves. I liked the way it was written. You’ve asked a philosophical question and answered it the way your heart says is true. No one can deny you this view, so I think reviewing and rating this piece it can only be done from a technical perspective. Keep up the good work..

I noticed one grammatical error that you may wish to correct. Your words, cut directly from your story, are in bold, everything else is my opinion, and please remember it is only my opinion.

I decided to take this Love out the place in my heart where I had carefully placed it so long ago

Think you need the word “of” between “out” and “the”

Peter
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Review by jprsauve
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
I liked the idea for your story. Don’t get upset at the size of this review or the star rating. The conflict you are about to describe sounds interesting. The background information you have provided in this chapter is good, but the writing needs a bit of work. When you have re-edited this piece let me know and I will happily re-read it and review it again. Your words, cut directly from your story, are in bold, everything else is my opinion, and please remember it is only my opinion.

The man stared at the girl and kneed down in front of her. "Don't worry. There might be trouble brewing up, but I'll protect you."

Think kneed should be kneeled.

"If I were to tell you why then you would fear me and curse me."
"It's okay sir. You don't have to tell me."

I think this answer is too simple, every twelve year old I know would want to know more

"What's your name?" "My name is Aura Nobleman." she said quietly "Aura is it? Please to meet you. My name is Paul Shino."

Need to space out the conversation

"What's your name?" "
My name is Aura Nobleman." she said quietly
"Aura is it? Please to meet you. My name is Paul Shino."

They walked the streets of Iori and the street lights have turned on and the sun had already set

Think lori should be capitalized.

Many people despised him as ruler. His rule was crueler than death

Think you need the letter “a” in between “as’ and “ruler”

Which meant that the monarchy was turned into a tyranny and gave him complete control of the kingdom

“Which” should probably be changed to “This”

Sharing no power with anyone beside his subordinates

This is a fragmented sentence.

Paul finally reached Aura's home. It was in between a bread shop and a flower shop

Think you can write this as:

Paul finally reached Aura's home. It was in between a bread and a flower shop.

"Mommy, he's a good person."
"Aura, get away from him now!" Paul released her hand.
"Go to your mommy."
"But-" Paul placed his finger on her lips. "Here take this."

Again, spacing

"Mommy, he's a good person."
"Aura, get away from him now!"
Paul released her hand. "Go to your mommy."
"But-"
Paul placed his finger on her lips. "Here take this."

Peter
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32
32
Review by jprsauve
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I liked the story up to the last paragraph. The last lines in the second to last paragraph make me think that he wants to commit suicide together, but the girl is unsure. What happens next is blurry. “You were running” who the writer, or the young man? Yet it seems that at the end he/she is still standing over the body, I think? It’s just not very clear to me what happened. This of course is only my opinion.

Peter
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Review of The Hit  
Review by jprsauve
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This is a good story. It’s a typical win or go home type climax and the twist at the end is slightly different. With the current championship series on right now, the piece is especially appealing.

I noticed one grammatical error that you may wish to correct. Your words, cut directly from your story, are in bold, everything else is my opinion, and please remember it is only my opinion.

I tighten my grip. I lift my front leg as he delivers, and crush his fastball towards leftfield. This is it. This is the dream of every boy in America. Everyone is screaming and I’m praying that it stays fare. The ball just seems to hang in the air, barely moving at all. It finally lands in the seats. Foul f***ing ball. Another two inches and it would have fallen in fare. f***. I get ready for the next pitch and it is way outside. The count is three-two. There is a small stare down between the pitcher and I.

Throughout this paragraph, “fare” should be spelt “fair”

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Review by jprsauve
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
They can transplant twins from one person to another? If that is true, then this is a very heartwarming story. Also think there might have been a bit more commotion as Gwen took her last breath, as they would have needed her to be on a ventilator until they could perform the transplant.

Other than the technical questions, I liked the idea for this story. You captured the uneasiness and concern of the new mother to be very well.

Keep up the good work.

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Review of Betsy  
Review by jprsauve
Rated: E | (4.0)
Very good story. I liked the ending. So profound from a young child. Keep up the good work.

I noticed a couple of grammatical errors that you may wish to correct. Your words, cut directly from your story, are in bold, everything else is my opinion, and please remember it is only my opinion.

Besty watched through her window

Think you mean Betsy.

Besty pulled her eyes away from her mother

Think you mean Betsy again *Smile*

She woudl ride on several buses, anywhere from two to twelve, to "throw the spies" off her scent, b efore she woudl finally stop at a hardware store and purchase chicken wire

Both “woudl”s should be “would”. No space in “b efore”

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Review by jprsauve
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Very good story. I look forward to reading more when it becomes available. The only problem I have with the story is, since you have three generations in the same room, when one of them says Mom, it’s hard to determine who is talking about who. I often got confused of which mother was walking to which daughter and had to return and re-read sections to clarify the situation. Not sure what you can do about it, but I found it a problem.

Good luck, and keep up the good work

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Review of After the Funeral  
Review by jprsauve
Rated: E | (4.0)
I had to read this twice to get the idea that all the people talking are dead. It was a very confusing story. I think it was because we are introduced to too many people that it’s hard to keep track of them and who they all are. Once I reached the end (for the second time) I realized what was going on, then I thought the story was good. It’s just confusing the first read through. Of course, that could just be me. *Smile*

Peter
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Review by jprsauve
Rated: E | (2.5)
I like your idea of investigating a friendship between three people, when one of them becomes a third wheel on a bicycle. Your feelings are well represented in the piece, but I find the story too choppy. There seems to be very little flow between paragraphs, and we jump days ahead and then are thrust into another situation. I’ve listed a few queries below where I see some problems. Please don’t get discouraged by the length of this review, or the rating the piece has been given. You’ve got a good story idea, and with some work it will turn out great.

Your words, cut directly from your story, are in bold, everything else is my opinion, and please remember it is only my opinion.

On that same day, he received a phone call from Chelsea. She wanted to know what was going on, and she wanted to meet him at David’s house, so that they could talk to him and find out what was so horribly wrong in his life. When he got there, he thought it was strange that Chelsea was already there, and she and David were having a good time in spite of the circumstances.

Why end it here? This is what the story is about and you avoid the conversation between the three of them.

When Scott walked into Sarah’s house, he noticed her dad hooking up a speaker to the stereo. While her dad was doing that, her mom greeted Scott and asked, “Would you like a strawberry margarita?”

You never mention the age of these people, but serving alcohol to minors seems inappropriate.

He replied, “Yeah, Sarah’s got a buzz, and her boyfriend is drunker than a skunk, but I’ve only had one margarita

You mentioned earlier that hew was the only one to show up, yet her boyfriend is drunk?

As he went back inside, Sarah asked him what was wrong. Scott said that nothing was wrong, and he went back inside

He went back inside twice?

He could concentrate on nothing except what had happened that day

This line doesn’t read right. You might replace ”could” with “couldn’t and “nothing” with “anything”

As a matter of fact, Sarah herself had broken down three times, and he hadn’t known about any of them.

Your getting your point of view mixed up here. If he hadn’t known about any of them, how does he know?

But when I reach for that light, I grab naught but thin air, for that light has gone forever.
And know not what to do

Naught? Why the change to old style English?


Peter
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Review of Prom Night  
Review by jprsauve
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is very nice story idea. I think your ending was very well done. The story is a bit choppy, but not enough to take away from your message. I think we could have gotten more impact if we could know what the ‘date” was thinking. You never say if the ‘date” was her boyfriend, but if so it would be a better story to know the pain and suffering he was going though, especially at the hospital. I have a couple of comments to make. Your words, cut directly from your story, are in bold, everything else is my opinion, and please remember it is only my opinion.

When he arrived at her house, she immediately knew what her surprise was. What she didn’t know, however, was the extent of the surprise. He was standing through the moonroof of a white Cadillac. She thought he had borrowed his mother’s car to take her out to prom. That’s so sweet. He waved to her and motioned for her to come outside.

You use the word surprise twice in this paragraph and it sounds unusual. Think you can change the second one to the word “it” and it would read better.

Her father was standing at the door with a look of complete astonishment on his face. When he saw her, his expression immediately changed to one of knowledge, and he opened the door. She couldn’t believe her eyes saw outside

The last line here doesn’t read right. I don’t know what you’re trying to say, so I won’t offer a suggestion.

It was a limousine. It had six windows on each side and it sparkled in the light provided by the open door. She walked up to the limo, and when the driver opened the door for her, her mouth fell partly open in surprise.

You just told us the light from the open door, and then the driver opened the door. Wasn’t it already open?



Peter
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Review by jprsauve
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Very intriguing story, hopefully not written from personal experience, but you wrote it very well. You brought the character Anna to life very nicely and your own experiences with her were very touching. Keep up the good work.

I noticed a couple of grammatical errors that you may wish to correct. Your words, cut directly from your story, are in bold, everything else is my opinion, and please remember it is only my opinion.

My life, or story, I guess really starts with the end Anna’s story

Might need the word “of” in between “end” and “Anna”

I walked up the deserted driving

Think “driving” should be “driveway”

Neither of her parents were within one hundred, so they wouldn’t be able to get here in time

One hundred what?

<i>I am here because, after Anna’s death I have found it difficult to cope and express in words how I feel, so I rebel and become introverted. I act worse than I am because I need attention.</i>
I don’t feel better after writing this. In fact I feel worse. I just lied about Anna. I didn’t tell them the truth. <i>I’m here, because Anna isn’t.</i>

If you want these lines to be in italic you need to use the curly brackets “{{}” around the letter i and the /i rather than the greater or less than symbols “<” .

Peter
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Review by jprsauve
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I found your port though a random sorting of authors and I thought I would read some of your pieces. If you are not looking for a review of your work, please disregard this message.

I thought this piece was very good. It told be a lot about the girl and the guy with having to listen to a standard group of lines explaining physical features. You got inside the heads of a young couple and I thought it was really well done. Very haunting images were described here and I thank you for writing it.

Keep up the good work

Peter
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Review by jprsauve
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Very good start. You now have a number of entertaining characters, and your main character sounds like a handful. I look forward to reading more of this story.

I noticed a couple of questions / comments / errors that you may wish to look at. Your words, cut directly from your story, are in bold, everything else is my opinion, and please remember it is only my opinion.

so she had me on a blanket under a tree.

I would suggest saying “So I was born on a blanket, under a tree” rather than “she had me” which sounds somewhat vulgar, of course that may be what your trying to portray, so …

the end could have been the same

I like this line, and repeating it or similar wording adds strength to the story.

My father, who had no idea how to raise a daughter, allowed me to run around with my brothers and their friends. I had four brothers and since I was the only girl, also the youngest, my brothers took it upon themselves to protect and watch over me

Using the word brothers, twice in one sentence so close to each other doesn’t sound right. You might try:

My father, who had no idea how to raise a daughter, allowed me to run around with my four brothers and their friends, since I was the only girl, also the youngest, they took it upon themselves to protect and watch over me

Keep up the good work

Peter
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Review of Traffic Violation  
Review by jprsauve
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I like this story. This reminded me of a girl I once knew. I could never have written as you did though. It was very good. Just the right touch of humor. .

I noticed one questionable item that you may wish to look at. Your words, cut directly from your story, are in bold, everything else is my opinion, and please remember it is only my opinion.

Cue random frying pan javelin throws.

This line, while cute, does not seem to fit. I can’t seem to equate frying pans to javelins. Maybe a discus, they’re round.

Keep up the good work

Peter
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Review of I, Immortal  
Review by jprsauve
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
It’s an awfully short story for a life. Especially for an immortal life. What was the world like 6000 years ago? This could be fascinating. Tell us more

Keep up the good work

Peter
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Review of A Modern Vampire  
Review by jprsauve
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Good story. You brought your idea’s about vampire myths and truths out very well. If I could offer one piece of advice, it would be this: change your format to that of a screen play, or a monologue. That way the ‘directions your giving yourself “*laughs heartedly*” will seem like they belong there rather than the way they stick out in this current format. This of course is just my opinion.

Keep up the good work

Peter
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Review by jprsauve
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
Very interesting story. I had not anticipated the twist that you conceived. This story kept me in anticipation for it’s entire length, not an easy feat believe me. Very well written. Like the moral of the story as well, you never know what’s going to happen tomorrow.

Keep up the good work.

Peter
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Review of Inside The Dark  
Review by jprsauve
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
A difficult subject handled extremely well Very well written. Hopefully not written from personal experience. I liked the way you repeated the lines “I am a silent observer in the drama of my parents”. It added a powerful message to this story. Not sure if there is anything wrong with the story, but then, I’m not sure I wanted to find anything. Keep up the good work
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Review by jprsauve
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)

Okay, first off the story idea is very good. You need to do some work on it, but when your done, you’re going to have a great story. First, you need to spread the story out. This is what I mean by this:

You wrote

I'm sorry I don't think you do." She said smiling. "Yes I do know you. You went to my high school." The woman smiled and said "Well I don't know for sure. How about you refresh my memory." John walked over and gave her a big kiss, "It's wonderful to be back Jackie."
"It is wonderful to have you back." Jackie and John walked out of the airport and to her car.

I write it:

I'm sorry I don't think you do." She said smiling.

"Yes I do know you. You went to my high school."

The woman smiled and said "Well I don't know for sure. How about you refresh my memory."

John walked over and gave her a big kiss, "It's wonderful to be back Jackie."

"It is wonderful to have you back." Jackie and John walked out of the airport and to her car.

This is much easier to read with a line in between each paragraph.

Continue this pattern throughout the story and let me know when you post it, I will reread and re-rate it again

I also noticed one grammatical error that you may wish to correct. Your words, cut directly from your story, are in bold, everything else is my opinion, and please remember it is only my opinion.

I know your lieing to me because it's all over your face, and you turn away from me a little."

Grammar: ‘lieing” should be spelt “lying”




Peter

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Review of the Yellow Chair  
Review by jprsauve
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a nice short piece. Well written and it conveys a lot in a small number of sentences. I have only two comments.

Your words, cut directly from your story, are in bold, everything else is my opinion, and please remember it is only my opinion.

for his first apartment away from home

Think you can leave out the words away from home, most apartments in home are called bedrooms. {e;smile}

She could never fathom why her father was so attached to the old thing, anyway

Wouldn’t the daughter have grown up with the chair in the house? Wouldn’t she know what it means to him?
50
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Review by jprsauve
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
The story’s emotions are great. There is no denying that the feelings in this story are well portrayed, but still the flow of the story bothers me. Since we come into the story at a partway point, we are left in the dark as to the death of the man. Was it a suicide? If so why would the other person be bleeding? He/she says he/she wasn’t sure who’s blood he/she was tasting. Another point would be to determine the gender of the other person so we can relate to the feeling that they are having. This could have a substantial impact to the reader.

I’m also not a fan of the line:

The gun in my hand tastes so sweet.

Hands don’t taste, so this line seems inappropriate among the many other fine sentences you have written.

Overall, a very powerful piece, and I look forward to reading more of your work

Peter

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