Hi there, and kudos to you! As a fellow manager of (I used to say I suffered with) OCD, I give you a lot of credit for putting your story out there. And it is really wonderful that you help others as a volunteer!
I, too, used to believe that my thoughts could have terrible consequences for other people. I also am a "checker." To this day I have a checking routine I do each day as I leave for work- though today's routine is short and very manageable- I used to be late, and/or miss work all the time!
One thing that people don't realize about OCD, I think, is how very exhausting it can be. Mental energy is still energy, and checking and rechecking yourself constantly- or devoting an enormous amount of your time to monitoring and obsessing over you own thoughts- is spirit-draining.
I'm very glad that you seem to be managing your own OCD better than you have in the past. Continued good mental (and physical!) health, and keep up your mission to spread the word! If I can help, let me know :)
All the Best,
John
Hi there. This is an exceptional piece of writing. Part fantasy, part fairy-tale and part origin myth (at least in the rocking-horse's magical world,) this story is quite sophisticated. It is also very well-written.
Thanks for posting this story. I enjoyed it very much. I'll definitely be reading more of your work!
All the Best,
John
Hi there. Well done, once again! This is a really cool story that keeps the reader more than engaged. It is tense, well written, and pithy. I dig the ambiguous ending too. What the hell, the reader is left to wonder, is that green light? What is awaiting our confused and disoriented friend as he steps into it?
I enjoyed reading this story very much. You have talent, my friend. Again, your stuff reminds me of King's short stories circa "Skeleton Crew." Great stuff!
Thanks for posting this story, I had a blast reading it.
All the Best!
John
Hi. This is a cool story, and I enjoyed reading it. The ending is a bit ambiguous, but the imagery and pace are great. I'm left wondering, at the end, did the reporter imagine/hallucinate/dream the entire scenario? Or have the witches erased her thumb-drive and left an episode of "Bewitched" as a sort of ironic signature?
Either way, I enjoyed reading this story very much. Good stuff!
All the Best,
John
Hi there. I wanted to let you know that I enjoyed your poem very much. I'm not a poet, and can't tell you how "bad" the poem is, in terms of the rules of poetry. I do think, though, that even when you try to write bad poetry it comes out good lol. There is something in the placement (and spatial orientation) of the words, in the simplicity of the language, and in the universality of the message that makes this poem an interesting read. Maybe I just enjoy bad poetry, lol, but I don't think that is the case.
At any rate, thanks for posting!
All the Best,
John
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Hi there. I read and enjoyed your poem very much. I don't pretend to be any expert in poetry, but yours reads very well. There's some great imagery, and the word choice exhibits a level of sophistication that places this work a head and shoulders above the crowd. Great stuff!
All the Best,
John
This is a great story. Short and to the point, it works on many levels. I love that the leader doesn't see the value in the prototype. Isn't that so often the case? I also enjoyed the fact that the primitive peoples understood that it was on them to keep humanity alive. Humanity, I believe, is hardwired for survival. The idea that these survivors understand- at a base level- their responsibility to the species is highly believable and even satisfying.
On another level, the story explores the politics of leadership and innovation. Who will be leader of this small band, once the value of the wheel is proved? Likely it will no longer be Chux. His lack of foresight will cost him, and the band will likely look to the more open minded, forward thinking Grent for guidance.
You have a hell of a lot going on in a short package here, and you make it look effortless. You have a real talent for loading a sentence with meaning, where a lesser writer would need at least two or three sentences to convey the same idea.
Again, this is a great story and I enjoyed it very much. Thanks for posting this! I look forward to reading more of your work. Really great stuff!!
Hi. I just read your story and it was very well written. You have obvious talent. To be honest, the story itself didn't bowl me over, but I think that's because it seems to diminish terribly the power women have. Why the Master in the story was horrified to have become a woman escapes me. That being said, I did want to continue reading the story through, and that says a lot. I look forward to reading more of your work!
All the Best,
John
Yikes! That's some creepy shit!
Pardon my french, but from one aspiring horror writer to another, Kudos. You freaked me out a bit, and isn't that the whole point? I've always enjoyed reading and writing psychological as well as run-of-the-mill horror stories, and yours is very, very good.
I read your review notes, and am happy to say that aside from the little stickler sort of things everyone misses on a first draft, you did one hell of a job!
As far as revisiting this story, I would. My thought would be to keep the length rather small. To go too long, I think, might diminish the impact of the main character's psychosis. Just a thought, to be taken or discarded. After all, the length of "Silence of the Lambs" did not diminish from Hannibal Lecter's delicious (apologies for that) lunacy.
At any rate, great job. I'll definitely look for more of your work. Also, I have to check out this SCREAMS thing...
All the Best,
John
Hi there. I loved your story! It has a lot of heart, and a lot of great prose too. Great idea, too, telling the tale from the guitar's point-of-view. Great stuff.
In order that this review be at all helpful, here are a few edit suggestions. Please take them for what they are, and from where they come- use what is helpful and discard what isn't!
Soon, he had learned to slide from fret to fret and bend my strings to add the bluesy sound we both loved so much.
I'd consider losing the "much." "...the bluesy sound we both loved so."
By the time our tour was over, and we had released another album, Honeyboy got an offer to travel overseas to England, where the blues had found a new audience among the British youth.
There are a number of sentences like this. If they aren't run-on sentences, exactly, they are certainly a mouthful (or eyeful, as the case would be.) I would suggest:
By the time the tour was over we had released another album. Honeyboy got an offer to travel overseas to England, where the blues...
Aside from a few commas that should probably be periods, this is a really good piece of writing. I enjoyed it very much!
All the Best,
John
Hi. I read your story and enjoyed it very much. It's a fresh, tongue-in-cheek spin on the "merry-widow gets hers" theme, and the use of a crow (or a murder thereof) as the Karmic weapon is delicious (bad pun intended.)
I assume that "family" "brick" and "crow" were prompts, as you have them added after the word count? Was the word count a stipulation of a contest or prompt as well? Either way, you deftly packed a great little story into a tiny package!
In order that my review might be at all helpful, I have a few suggestions. Please take them for what they are, and where they come. Use what, if anything, helps- discard what does not.
The feeling was so uplifting; she traded in the old family pea-green Buick Skylark and purchased a blazing red convertible Mustang.
The feeling was so uplifting. She traded in the old family Buick and bought a blazing red Mustang convertible.
I would lose the "pea-green" and the "Skylark" because you already have ample description, and those two instances are not necessary, nor do they further the story. I would also lose the sentence "She beamed an endless smile."
And then she began to notice something.
The crow. At first it just sat in the tree and watched her.
I think the story would benefit from a transition sentence here. Something along the lines of: For a time Mary Gold spent insurance money and felt good. And then she began to notice something...
The crow.
At first it just...
Again, these are all just suggestions. If any of it helps, I'm glad. If not, disregard!
I very much enjoyed this story. I wish I'd thought of it!
Hi there. This is a very cool and interesting take on the way-way overdone apocalypse/zombie apocalypse theme. I like the twist that the zombies run out of food and die off. The narrator passing away at the end is very cool too.
As far as constructive criticism, there are only two things I would mention. One, I think there are a few sentences that warrant being broken into two. For example:
The sky is blocked from view by thick, gray smoke, the buildings are mere ruins, the deserts are ash, and everything that was once green has long since withered and died.
There's nothing wrong with this sentence, necessarily, but it is a mouthful (eyeful?)
Thick grey smoke blocks the sky. The buildings are mere ruins, and the deserts ash. Everything once green has long since withered and died.
Of course this is just my suggestion. I also changed the first clause in order to utilize the active rather than the passive voice.
Again, this is a very interesting, cool story. I enjoyed it very much. You have obvious talent and skill as a writer. If you ever have a chance, I'd love if you would read and review one or two of mine.
Hello Again! Once again, here is a short piece with a lot of feeling. I encourage you to keep writing.
It occurs to me, have you considered poetry? I ask because I had the same feeling upon reading your other story too. You have a knack for getting right to the feeling of a piece.
My critique, in order to be helpful, would be close to the same as my critique of your first story. The whole story is one paragraph, and structurally speaking that is a no-no.
A rule of thumb is, when writing a story (when possible, it isn't always) "show me, don't tell me." If you want to flesh this out into a short-story (which you easily could) try using this rule. The sentence:
They sat on a fallen tree that layed near the river, and for a while, they kept silent
could be expanded to include a bit more action.
She sat on a fallen tree that lay near the river, and motioned for him to do the same. He did, and for a while, they sat together in silence.
Of course, if you want to just get right to the heart of the emotion of a piece, again I would suggest adding poetry to your skill-set. I bet you'd make a very good poet.
Again, you have talent, so definitely keep writing.
Hi. This is a powerful little piece. There is a lot of emotion packed into a small package. It is also very honest and touching in a way (whether this is a memoir of sorts, or a fictional first-person recollection.)
My constructive criticism is as follows:
I think this story is more emotional/romance/personal-experience than it is erotica. Though the story certainly deals with themes of sex and sexuality, the real subject is the intricate and oft-changing interpersonal-dynamic between lovers.
My only other criticism is that the story is all in one paragraph. I'll bet you did this just to get it down, and that's cool. Of course, if this is a short-story, or even a bare-bones draft of a first chapter of a novel, it should read:
We sat together after a long discussion. He came up with his sexual temptations, and I resisted. He held me down with all his manly strength and just when i was getting excited, he got up.
I held him down, this time trying to fight my way to get him laying me, but still my womanly strength failed.
"Calm down! Thought you weren't interested. Relax!" He sat me down.
I went home later, angry, embarrassed and disappointed.
This is an interesting story, thanks for posting!
Please take my constructive criticism for what it is, and from where it comes. Use what is helpful, discard what's not.
All the Best,
John
Hi. I enjoyed your story. It was creepy and cool. You have obvious talent!
A few suggestions- take what is useful and discard what is not...
The very beginning of the story could be a little clearer. The two consecutive lines of dialogue, both spoken (one mumbled) by the main character are a little misleading. I'd suggest either making it one line of dialogue, separated by attribution; or making one of the lines an inner dialogue, like this:
There's not going to be any rescue, I thought.
"But there must be!" There has to be...
That would be one suggestion. The only other thing I would say is that there are a number of sentences that aren't quite run-on sentences, but they are a mouthful. If you cut a few of these into two sentences here and there, I believe it would serve your narrative better.
I ran but my feet became twisted in what I thought was vines, reaching down I found that it was layers of rope in various states of decay.
I ran and my feet became tangled in what I thought was a vine. Reaching down, I found that it was layers of rope, in various states of decay.
Again, please take this constructive criticism for what it is. Use what you believe will help you, toss what won't.
Thanks for posting your story. I enjoyed it, and will keep my eyes open for more of your work!
Hi there. I just read "One Busy Night in Chicago," and really enjoyed it! The mood is perfect, the story is engaging, and the dialogue is spot-on.
I especially liked the bit about Al Capone being arrested, and this having been the catalyst for your gangster's rise to power.
You really have a great character here, and I have to admit that I'm fan. I will be reading the other Lou Ryan stories for sure.
There are really only two suggestions I can make. One, (and don't get tense ;)) there are a few instances when the tense lapses into the present when you are describing events that already happened. There are only a very few instances of this, btw...
My other suggestion- and I haven't read all of the Lou Ryan series, so perhaps I'm jumping the gun- would be to give Lou a fault he is working on. Or perhaps a phobia of some sort. You've created a very likable character, and I think humanizing him a bit more could only strengthen his appeal.
That's all I've got though. Great story, well told, well-written. I enjoyed it very much!
Hi. I enjoyed your story very much. The hard-boiled P.I., as a character type, has been beaten within an inch of its life. You somehow managed to write a fresh, interesting story. The protagonist is likable and the plot engaging. To be honest, (and I wouldn't say this if I didn't mean it) this piece reminds me more of a Sherlock Holmes story than a Daschel Hammond nickel-paperback. A clever and concise little mystery is a beautiful thing, and you nailed it, in my opinion.
There is a problem, however it is easy enough fix. Your narrative flows very well in almost every way, but there are contradictions in tense. Most of the story is in the past-tense, but there are many instances where you lapse into the present-tense. I think this very good story will be a great story once that's addressed.
Have you considered using the present-tense exclusively? That might be cool for this piece. The past-tense works fine, though, and there are plenty of good and valid reasons you may want to keep it that way. Of course, that's all up to the author :)
Once again, great job! I really enjoyed the read, and look forward to reading more of your work!
All the Best,
John
Hi! I enjoyed this vignette very much! It was very well constructed too. You have a real talent for writing dialogue. It flows smoothly, reads naturally, and you use it very effectively as a means to further the plot and move the narrative forward. I also love the fact that you open with a line of dialogue. That's a great way to pull a reader in, if it is done artfully. Very well done!
As far as constructive criticism, the only thing I can offer is a technical suggestion. I would like to preface said suggestion by admitting that I tend to over-use commas. There are a few sentences here, though, that I think might benefit from a comma.
Ralf shouted running into the living room and tripping over the coffee table.
I think should read:
Ralf shouted, running into the living room and...
also:
"Crap!" She shouted removing the squeaking animal and climbing down the ladder.
"Crap!" She shouted, removing the squeaking animal and...
That's really all I've got though!
Thanks for the cool story. Again, I enjoyed it very much! And it was good fun, too. Keep the stories coming!
Hi, I really enjoyed your story. It was very imaginative and creative. I love the idea of the genetically enhanced Gyros. Even better is the idea of the sentient weapon the graduates receive as a partner. Very good stuff, and I'm looking forward to reading more!
I know this is an early draft, but it breaks quite a few grammar and punctuation rules. To be honest, in places the story reads as though you were struck with inspiration and in a hurry to get it onto paper (or encoded into digital bits.)
My humble advice would be this. You have a REALLY cool story here, that needs some technical work. In places, it reads as though you are reporting the facts, rather than allowing the reader to experience them. A good general rule is, when possible, "show, don't tell."
But the great news is that you have all the good stuff necessary (and more!) to expand this chapter by a page or two and really hit a home-run. Again, in my humble opinion...
I hope this was somewhat helpful. I REALLY enjoyed the story, and am looking forward to seeing where it goes.
All the Best,
John
Okay, so you MUST keep writing. You have a real talent for storytelling, and once again your story pulled me right in and held on tight.
Your protagonist is endearing and intriguing. His profound sense of loss is palpable, and his desire for acceptance heartbreaking.
The idea of the automaton losing his voice is a nice touch. In a sense, of course, he'd already "lost his voice" when his maker died.
The imagination in this story is fantastic!
Since you are looking for a critique, here are a few technical issues that I see:
"clearing the view as he continued to search from the rooftop."
There's nothing actually wrong with this sentence, and this may be a matter of opinion only, but I don't love the "from the rooftop." You mention a bit later in the story that the rooftop is where he goes to seek out his maker's star, so I don't think it is actually necessary here. I would suggest:
"clearing the view as he continued to search the sky."
"This was always his favorite time, with no one around to make demands or remind him that he was different."
This sentence is just a bit clumsy. You know I am a fan of using as few words as possible, but in this case I think the addition of the verb "was" might make the sentence a bit stronger. I'd suggest:
"This was always his favorite time, when no one was around to make demands of him, or to remind him that he was different."
"That was not the original plan;"
This is the first independent clause of two joined by a semicolon. While it is grammatically correct to join clauses that way, in this case I think the narrative reads better if you simply end that sentence there, and begin a new one.
"That was not the original plan."
"Tonight the automaton felt especially sad, no matter how unlikely emotions were considered among his kind."
I'd consider rewriting the second half of this one. Maybe even divide the sentence:
"Tonight the automaton felt especially sad. The probability of an automaton experiencing emotion approached zero, the experts said; Tommy knew that the experts were wrong."
This likely isn't what you want, but it's a suggestion of how you might rewrite.
"For that reason, one of the brutes pried open the plates of Tommy’s neck, cut open the hide beneath and tore from his throat the small box constructed for speech."
This sentence is needs a "had" to indicate that the action happened in the past.
"For that reason, one of the brutes had pried..."
"The Professor had left behind a gentle orphan who grew lonelier with time and who had lost nearly all hope he had once been given."
You can lose this sentence altogether. It breaks another great writing rule, the "show me, don't tell me" rule. You have already done a wonderful job of presenting Tommy to the reader, and as such the reader already knows the automaton's emotional state.
Once again, WOW. This is a great story you have to tell, and I can't wait to read more. I'm already wondering how Tommy and and Deacon Ryce fit together! I hope my suggestions are helpful!
Hi! I just read your story, and I must say it has the makings of a very good one! I am a horror writer and fan myself, and love a ghost story.
Please don't let my critique discourage you at all- I wouldn't bother writing one if I didn't think you had good stuff.
I would suggest that you read this story (and everything you write) aloud to yourself. There's just no better way to tell when the narrative is flowing well, and where it gets a bit clunky.
Another suggestion I would make would be to examine the voice of your narrator. Terms such as "Me and my best friend Eric" are grammatically incorrect, but absolutely acceptable if the narrator is a teenager. However, the narrator doesn't really make any glaring errors other than that one. So:
If you want your narrator's voice to be grammatically iffy, so to speak, as part of his (and the story's) charm, drop a few other grammatical errors throughout the story. This will reinforce the voice.
If it was just a simple error, and you meant to say "My best friend Eric and I", then just change that line. Either way, though, try to keep the narrator's voice consistent.
Again, I enjoyed your story. You have obvious talent, and I'm looking forward to reading more of your work! I hope my suggestions prove helpful.
Hi! I just read your story and it was good. I like the new spin on the "pig-party" scenario, and the story's sci-fi setting. The names are very creative, and I enjoy your use of terms such as "reflector" and "sleeper" in place of mirror and bed- it definitely supports your setting.
A few suggestions, in order that this review be at all helpful!
Give this story an edit for typos. There are a few. There are also a few small grammatical errors, and I suspect that they are typos as well.
Oh, and there is one sentence...
"So did the old building they were in."
that breaks the "never end a sentence with a preposition" rule.
"The building that housed the party did also." would be one suggestion as to how to reword.
Again, I enjoyed your story, and hope my suggestions are helpful!
Hi! There are a lot of things I like about your story. It shows great imagination, for one thing. I like the fact that this is a science fiction piece set in the future (or perhaps in an alternate universe,) but that it doesn't have to be. Your story is not dependent on its setting, in other words, and that is good. The setting does suit the story, though, and makes it that much more interesting, in my humble opinion.
Dani is an interesting character with some interesting backstory. Her husband's got a problem, which means that she does. They've lost everything, down to custody of their children. It is hard for Dani to feel happy for Edna, until she realizes the loss the other woman has experience.
It is a little unclear whether the reader, at this point, is supposed to infer that Edna had something to do with her town's (and thus her family's) demise. We are told that there's a court judgement against her- but what part could Edna have played in the tragedy that would have resulted in such punishment? She isn't in jail, and she isn't on death row, it seems she is only under monetary obligation. Or does the court judgement have nothing at all to do with the other backstory? A little more clarity here would go a long way.
I think it is an interesting story though, and encourage you to give it another edit or two.
All the Best!
John
Hi! I enjoyed reading your story. Personifying animals can be tricky work. It is nowhere near as easy as it seems, I know from experience. There are lots of potential pitfalls, which you avoided in your narrative.
The story is interesting. The main character's opinions regarding his mate and their joey are complex, and a little heartbreaking. I like the character, though, and hope his negative thoughts regarding his family diminish as he adjusts to his new paradigm. Perhaps the new tree will help...
All in all the story is also very well-written. In order that I make this critique at all helpful, though, I do have one or two suggestions you may want to consider.
There are a few (and only a few) instances of sentences that are not entirely clear. For example:
Charlie hopped out as if he was caught in a surreal world.
might read:
Charlie hopped out into a surreal world of new, and yet familiar aromas.
or
Charlie hopped out as though caught in some new, surreal reality.
would be two suggestions. The sentence in the story gets the point across, but I don't love the "out as if he was." I think that's my issue with the sentence; all the two and three letter words make for a less-smooth read.
Another sentence that jumped out at me was:
Finally, when Charlie turned his head around, he saw it.
Is "finally" really the word you want to use here? Would a simple "And then" be stronger?
And then Charlie turned his head and he saw it.
So those are my two suggestions- use them or not as you like :)
Again, I really enjoyed your story. You have skill and talent as a writer and as a storyteller.
Hi, I enjoyed reading your story! It has a lot of imagination, and you have created an interesting setting in The Coven. I also like the idea that your protagonist is the only human welcomed among the other wielders of magic.
I would like to offer a little constructive criticism, and please take it as just that.
Try to avoid using the word "As" as the first word of a sentence, when possible. It tends to put the sentence on the defensive, so to speak; makes it appear less strong.
This very good story, in my humble opinion, would benefit from a re-edit with two thoughts in mind:
- am I using as few words as necessary in order to convey my idea?
- how does the story sound when read aloud? Are the pace and flow okay?
I hope this is helpful. I use those two tips on every story I write now (and always catch myself committing a multitude of sins!)
Best of luck with your writing! You have obvious talent and imagination. I look forward to reading more of your work!!
John
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