For a first chapter of novel-in-progress, I'll say this: It sure grabbed my attention. And that is exactly what it is supposed to do, engage the reader so they keep turning pages.
This chapter presents an unpleasant and dangerous situation for its first person narrator, Matt. The reader isn't quite sure what Matt has done, but we do know it is serious. He seeks shelter with his thirteen-year-old friend Abbey, who appears not totally surprised that Matt is once again in trouble.
For the most part this chapter is well written, although it does have a number of mechanical problems, such as grammatical errors and word misusage. I strongly suggest you reread this copy carefully and edit it appropriately.
I was impressed that you didn't confuse verb tenses. The story is written in the past tense and remains consistent throughout.
I have a small problem with several parts of this chapter, notably:
"Search every house, every crevice on this street. We don't find anything, we'll have to release to the public. We'll search as long as tomorrow by midnight,"
Somehow the cop's dialogue doesn't ring quite true. Perhaps it's because we really don't know what Matt has done, although we strongly suspect murder.
You may want to rethink that segment of dialogue and perhaps tweak it some. Just my suggestion.
There's excellent narrative action in this chapter, and I anxiously await reading more.
A very clear, concise and meaningful poem that metaphorically compares the longevity, strength and purity of an oak tree with that of his love for his special someone.
The imagery in your poem couldn't be clearer, and the rhyme scheme you have chosen works most effectively.
The only suggestion I have--and remember this only my personal opinion, is in this stanza:
Winter will come soon,
and the tree shall grow old.
I might consider changing "old" to cold. I suggest that because it better reflects "winter"...and the tree like the rest of us doesn't stop aging in Spring, Summer or Fall.
Just a thought but I think it links better with winter.
Thank you for sharing this item. Please remember as you read my comments, what I say is purely my own opinion and in no way should be construed as being the definitive assessment of your work.
"Purple Drink" is a recollection of one particular afternoon in the life of a ten-year-old boy living in the sweltering heat of a Florida summer. It is told from the third person POV, past tense. It recounts the almost magical world of a child with boundless energy as he fights with dragons and fords raging rivers with undaunted courage. However, this magical universe comes to a halt when reality sets in! Over-heated and on the brink of heat exhaustion, the brave hero succumbs to the need for fluid replacement. Kool_Aid is this magic elixr that will restore his strength and courage, so that he may continue to fight and conquer the endless foes.
This literary sketch is well written and would serve nicely as a backdrop for a longer work such as a short story. By expanding your piece to include accounts of the boy's battles and heroic victories, you will build conflict into the story. This "fleshing-out" of the skeleton you have created will add drama and vitality to your work.
I very much enjoyed reading this nostalgic piece, and encourage you to expand it into what I believe will be a most interesting and engaging short story. A story worthy of attention.
Thank you, Destin, for sharing this powerful and heartfelt poem.
If you were to ask most people what they think the opposite of Love is, most will say Hate. That isn't correct. The opposite of Love is indifference! And that is what your poem is about, indifference. It is a voice crying out for help but being ignored, especially by those who should love you most. That hurts and hurts badly!
Your poem doesn't seek to camouflage its core meaning with abstractions. You use no similes or metaphors to mask what you want to say about yourself and your feelings. You are brutally--and no doubt painfully--honest.
The content of the poem is high impact, and your thoughts and feelings are represented loud and clear. Good honest writing!
Yes, the poem does have a few mechanical problems. One obvious one is in this line:
I needed help to
"to" needs to be changed to "too".
There are several other places where some editing is needed, so you might want to do a little polishing in regard to the technical aspects of punctuation and word usage. But leave the content just as it is.
I'm not quite sure I understand why you elected to underline everything you have written in this essay. I will just assume it is a formatting error?
Your essay seeks to explore the underlying reason for what you call your laziness in writing. You have deduced that you are prone to procrastination, a false sense of endless time awaits you to work on a project.
Let me assure you, this is a fairly common problem amongst new writers! It's not until you are faced with deadlines, editors' hounding phone calls and emails that you realize that writing is a commitment that must be taken serious. Writing for your own pleasure has a different set of rules. However, the fact remains if you want to start or complete a project, the only way to do so is Just Do It! You may as well realize now that nothing is more daunting than starting a project and have to face a blank screen on your word processor!
For the most part your essay is well written and structured but there are some mechanical problems that can be easily fixed with some careful editing.
To help you overcome the problem you describe, my suggestion is quite simple...remember this law of physics: A body at rest tends to stay at rest and a body in motion tends to stay in motion!
You start off this sample of your book with this statement:
"I am an angel." That's fine, your readers will accept that...until they read this:
"But before I explain why I think that this statement is true I’ll describe myself so that you too may understand. I think I’m about..."
Now you're telling your readers that you only think this statement is true. (Here readers begin doubting anything else you say), and that's made worse when you say you I THINK I'm about...etc."
GOSH! Angel doesn't know how tall or short he is???
My point is that establishing credibility with your readers. You are telling this story from the first person POV. First person POV is when the person who the story is about is telling the story. In fiction, you can tell a reader anything you want, and they will accept it. But you MUST remain consistent. What if I were to write this:
The town of Luton Hills is largely populated by a horde of vampires. Trust me, I know--I'm one of them.
The reader immediately knows and believes she/he is reading a story about some town where the guy who is telling the story is one of many vampires. Readers are willing, even more than willing to suspend belief and enter your fictional world. But you (the author) must be consistent throughout your story.
Here, think of it this way: Fiction writing is a pack of lies that you want to have your readers believe is true!!
The rest of your sample is intriguing and I want to know more about this angel and what he has to say. But you will need to do a rewrite of what you've done so far. Sentences like the one below just don't work!
You might also want to know that I do have wings but only when want to have them out only then will they come out.
Check for typos. I know writing is work, good writing is even harder. But you WILL do it.
The point you are trying to make with story is clear, and I notice you haven't called it a short story, which is good because as it now stands, it's not quite a short story. Most of the ingredients are present that would make it such, but it needs a bit more conflict.
If you wanted to, you could make this into a very effective short story that could carry a powerful message.
You write well. Your thoughts are well organized, your language usage is excellent (as is your punctuation).
I would encourage you to give more thought to this skeleton of a story and develop it. Add some conflict, flesh out your characters, give the father a distinct personality. Add detail.
Your ending is superb, so you can keep that. But I think you'll find if you dramatize the events a bit more, you'll find you've written a pretty good story.
Thank you for sharing this......and above all
KEEP WRITING!
This enjoyable short story, written not unlike a fairy tale (the story actually begins with Once upon a time) traces the adventures of Larry, a retinal ganglion cell. For a cell, Larry is very inquisitive, highly intelligent and inquisitive. He longs to know more than his station in life can offer, and decides to embark on a journey through the microscopic world of neurocytology and histology.
The story is ingeniously crafted and you have made every effort to make a very complex "setting" comprehensible to most readers. I say "most" because unavoidably--due to the inherent nature of neuroanatomical structures--some readers may need a bit more explanation and orientation in order to fully grasp what it is that Larry is trying to learn.
The various characters that Larry meets along his way: Rod, Connie, and Ned are also cleverly crafted. Their names suggest their actual function and serve to keep the reader on track.
I very much enjoyed and appreciated the creative effort you made to make a very complicated subject palatable.
I very anxiously await Part II. I can only imagine what it will be like when Larry makes his way through the optic chiasma!
Thank you very much for sharing this challenging but enlightened work. Great Job!
Max, This is a beautiful piece of writing! I read the story three times (which is my habit if I plan to review a piece) and each time I read it the simplistic beauty of the story etched itself further into my head.
The story centers around Maggie's speech-impaired teenage son, Bobby. Maggie is a member of the local church's women's knitting circle, and Bobby, wanting to contribute something special to the much tauted Christmas Eve worship service, knits a blanket for the infant Jesus. The blanket comes out less than perfect; in fact, it comes out atrocious.
Pastor Dan, the leader of the congregation and knowing Bobby's impediment, praises the boy's work (as did all the others in the knitting circle) simply to placate the boy. They knew his intention was noble and pure and had no desire to hurt the boy's feeling. Pastor Dan promises to keep this beautiful blanket in a very special place; but has no real intent for it to ever been seen by the congregation; it was that much of a monstrosity.
The action of the story progresses rapidly. You establish an idee fixe by repeating Bobby's concern several times. Each time, the boy is placated by telling him the blanket will be kept in a most special place.
The ascending action of the story builds to a most spectacular climax and denoument on Christmas Eve. A wondrous, miraculous event occurs; and the reader can only imagine the look on Pastor Dan's face when this miracle unfolds before his very eyes.
Masterfully crafted, the story is sensitive, gentle, and uplifting. A beautiful Christmas story that seems--at least to this reader--to embody the message fount in I Corinthians 1:27
"But God hath chosen the foolish things of the world to confound the wise; and God hath chosen the weak things of the world to confound the things which are mighty..."
Thank you for sharing your poem. It is a poem that allows for several interpretations. At the heart of the poem lies the broad range of emotions that a poet must endure in order to master her/his craft. These emotions, so it appears, may go through a number of iterations before they mature.
I found your metaphorical use of trees and the torments of hell quite insightful.
I enjoyed your poem and thinking through its possible interpretations. It is well written, and a poem that causes its reader to think and imagine.
This recollection of a happy Christmas past is very touching. Given the circumstances you describe in your opening paragraph, this piece almost serves as a catharsis. What rings through your writing, above all, is the honesty with which you relate this story.
Your writing is crisp and easily understood.
I very much enjoyed this short piece. And it is my sincere prayer that this Christmas season brings joy and happiness.
Thank you for sharing this bit of your personal history.
You present the makings of an engaging story in "Armpit of the World" but the story never quite delivers. The reader quickly learns that the unnamed narrator wants to go to Atlanta for a much awaited concert. She presents herself as a very responsible, meticulous young lady who, to her dismay, loves an addict. Throughout the narrative the leader asks himself, how could she not know? How come she hasn't taken some steps to address Brandon's problem, which has now become her own. Not the drugs, but Brandon!
The initial conflict is presented as: will Brandon go to Atlanta or not; will they make it there without incident? These conflicts have minor resolutions, but there appears to be a serious lack of action in the story--and that's what dilutes its effect. Much of the story is about what the narrator is thinking. You write this very well, but there's little action in thought!
You use real place names and details to describe the trip on I-75, so this establishes verisimilitude to your story. The reader is always aware of the time and place. Your descriptions are vivid and believable. Your continuity and fluidity is fine. My only real problem is that the story story has no definite resolution. At the very end we find her in the same situation as in the beginning, except that she now knows the reason for some of Brandon's moods/activities. But yet she resigned herself to that's who he is. Nothing is resolved. The same thing is destined to happen over and over again.
You might consider doing a rewrite of this story that introduces more action, conflict, and a clear resolution.
With only a few exceptions (in the last few paragraphs), your verb tense agreement is accurate. So, as you edit this story you will want to make some minor changes.
This story has potential, it just needs to be further developed.
Merrick, This is very good. You structured your story well. It proceeds in a logical manner. You include enough details about the minor characters in your story so the reader can get a mental picture of them. But more importantly, your focus is on the forward movement of the story.
There are a few issues with mechanics. I'll just point them out but won't dwell on them. They can be easily edited.
(1)When you are trying to use a dash (em dash), use two hyphens -- that's as close as you can come to an em dash here.
(2)You might want to run your story through a spell checker.
Now, what I really liked is early on in the story you establish that Mrs. Carswell's job was somewhat ambiguous BUT she was noted for wearing excessive makeup and leopard print pantsuits. This helps establish who she is and gives us a little insight into her character.
The good part however is at the end when your mother called.
"She then proceeded to give her verbal lashing that was fit to knock the spots clean off of her leopard-print pantsuit."
Here you have taken what appears to be a minor point in the beginning of your story and tied it nicely to the end. Your readers may not know much about Mrs. Carswell, but they sure will remember her leopard-print pantsuit.
It's this type of writing I really appreciate. You've done an excellent job.
Thank you for sharing this very engaging, enigmatic story.
Chuck Avery is a man who sees himself not as a mere man but an omniscient being. Convinced that he has the power to alter events simply by willing them so, and creating people (as well as other life forms) through an act of will, Chuck is a veritable god in his own mind. Chuck is also terribly deluded!
As the story unfolds, Chuck, who later becomes Evan, is confronted with another individual who claims to possess the same supernatural abilities as himself. There is one difference however; this plain, ordinary woman who dares trespass on Chuck's sacrosanct turf may be more than what her physical appearance and very existence indicate. In fact Much More.
A conversation ensues that quickly becomes a battle of egos! At this point in your story there is a sudden (but not unexpected) shift to philosophy and the metaphysical. Descartes' "Cogito ergo sum" is questioned and discussed. The story elevates to a higher level of abstraction that challenges the readers' own beliefs. One is forced to ask oneself: What precisely is reality? Does reality even exist?
Those are the questions the reader is left to answer, since the story's ending, rather than resolving any conflict, actually introduces more.
A very clever, if unorthodox, way of ending a story, but in this case works quite nicely.
There are just a few minor problems with verb tenses, a common problem for newer writers. If an author is not careful with verb tense, the reader loses his/her way. It's important that the reader always knows where in the story he is, i.e., time and place.
Thank you for sharing this beautiful and sensitive poem. It is a heart-warming tribute to a true love now departed.
The poem is exceedingly visual and emotional. Each thought and sentiment has been carefully crafted to incoporate the metaphorical imagery evoked.
There is only one single line that I think may be improved. This one:
When you were gone, the essence awoke.
By replacing "When" with "Once"
I think "once" fits nicely because it shows an immediate response to the smoke and flame referenced in the preceding lines. Additionally, the "W" sound is still preserved.
Aside from that single change, I wouldn't change anything else. Of course, this is only my personal opinion.
I appreciate the opportunity to review another of your works.
While you have classified this as poetry, I will not review it as such. Within these nine lines you have written, not a single punctuation mark appears. So what we have here is a stream of consciousness flowing rant. The piece, I believe, is mis-titled. Rather than titling it Hatred, I would probably opt for Rage or Anger because that seems closer to what the message contains, unbridled rage and fury.
Finally, with all due respect, other than its intended shock value, I see very little merit to this piece of work, literary or otherwise.
This is a very simple and very touching poem. The feeling of commitment on the part of the old gentlemen to his departed love one, presumably his wife, has not been altered by the grave. No matter what it takes and no matter how uncomfortable it may be for him to visit her, he will do so until he can once again join her in eternity.
You fashioned a very simple, beautiful poem from your observation. Truly inspired and artfully crafted. Well Done.
Thank you for sharing your Poem April Without You. The rhyme scheme you chose for this poem works very well and provides a lyrical quality to the doleful tone of your poem.
This is a very sincere and honest poem, a poem of loss and heart ache. You combine visual imagery, that of the whitewashed wall (a blankness) that has but one feature, a calendar with a single month--April. This indicates to me that the calendar is lonely since it is devoid of its other months; and this reflects the attitude of the poet as well as the significance of this single month.
I have only one suggestion (and please remember this is purely my personal opinion), in the fifth stanza this line:
And in its grasp are the infinity of our moments apart.
I would change the verb "are" to "is", since the infinity itself is singular.
Of course, you have full creative control over your work and I offer this suggestion only for your consideration.
Welcome to WDC, I look forward to reading many more of your fine works.
Once again you have done an excellent job in capturing the mood of a rather depressing subject: the lonliness and isolation of old age. The essence of your poem addresses how vacant and lonely the lives of many elderly people have become. Cast out of society, feeling as though they no longer have anything to contribute to society (or society rejects their potential), they spend their days engaged in mundane activities. They simply are now "putting in their time"; they no longer have any goals or aspirations, and occupy themselves by simply waiting for time to pass, when finally today will become tomorrow and the whole boring cycle will once again repeat itself.
This is a very somber poem, and skillfully written. The imagery of desolation--and above all, isolation (as suggested by the poem's title) is ever apparent throughout your work.
You have taken a depressing subject and transformed it into a work of art.
I will begin by saying that I immensely enjoyed your story. I found it fascinating and intriguing on several levels, and I will now attempt to explain why I found it so intriguing.
The story is narrated in the first person POV, which immediately establishes credibility, and even though this story is fiction, the reader is more than willing to suspend "reality" and gleefully enter the alternate reality of the narrator.
More than the storyline itself (which, as I have stated is engaging) is the anosmic professor himself. He is a most likeable and memorable character. He remains nameless throughout, but this narrative, which reads almost as an epistle, establishes him as a most noteworthy character.
His language usage is consistent with his academic standing, and the points he makes in neurology, pathology, and physiology are absolutely accurate. Perhaps some readers may get a little lost in some of these less than familiar terms, but the professor does explain them when necessary.
I especially enjoyed the passages describing the plant life that he sees; and I suspect what he was actually seeing was a new color or colors which he could not describe, simply because no words yet exist for such a concept!
The explaination he offers for the presence of these tentacled beings reminds me of an Old Vincent Price movie, The Tingler. These beings however were more metaphysical than those depicted in the old movie. That point alone opens up the question of what I call the mind/brain dilemma, i.e., where does the mind begin and the brain end and vice versa. A most fascinating phiosophical debate.
You write extremely well, and as unfortunate as the ending to this story is, it is truly the only possible ending.
There are several small mechancial errors in your story: a missing word here and there and the transposition of several words. All very minor and easily fixed with a little editing.
Thank you, Sean, for this little gem. I will be invading your port again to see what other treasures await.
I truly liked this poem. In it, we see a slice of humanity that many of us would much prefer to ignore than acknowledge. From the line:
Yankees won again last night – 4 to 2
we can interpret the season of the year, the first cold snap of autumn. This is supported by the mother's loving warning:
Wear a sweater –
You set the tone and mood of this poem so effectively, I could see bits of paper and refuge swirling about in the gusty wind, and see the steam coming forth from the manhole covers.
You did an excellent job of capturing the mood of the big city and those who populate it.
Very nicely done. Written with great sensitivity. Thank you for sharing.
In this very short poem, you have managed to quite artistically convey the tenuous nature of balance. Twilight is neither day nor night, it is the turning point, an ephemeral moment in the passage of time. The poem seeks to inform the reader that beauty, awesome beauty, need not be long-lived to make a lasting impression. It firther goes on to say that all physical things--twilight included--eventually pass away.
A very well executed poem, and the use of your word economy to make your point is impressive.
I tend to agree with the opinions you voice in this short piece. Maturity, as I see it, comes in various forms. A person can be physically mature but emotionally devoid of any hint of maturity. On the other hand, the opposite of what I stated above can also be true. I have known little children, who certainly are by no means mature physically, but who project a wisdom and maturity far beyond their years.
You have written this piece, which is essentially a compilation of musings on maturity, in a very conversational style. It is easy to understand, and offers to anyone who reads it the opportunity for self introspection.
Whoa! Good Job! Now that several layers of abstraction have been edited out, your poem now becomes far more comprehensible to your readers. We can now clearly see and understand the conflict, which in this case is Man against himself. Seriously, a vast improvement with your edits.
Keep Writing!
I found this short tale rather interesting. You managed to create a functional fantasy environment with its own laws and standards. Although you did not provide extensive information about this otherworld, a reader has no trouble suspending belief to enter it.
Jack, the hero of the story, is faced with what seems to be a challenge that is beneath his dignity. However, we soon learn that his opponent is a more formidable challenge than was expected. Jack's comments, along with those of his friends, are somewhat whimsical, and as such help define the age group of your characters
Your writing is crisp and clear especially in the action scene in the tournament. I had no problem following your blow by blow narration of the action. Your choice of action verbs works well to enhance the tension. Very nicely done.
I found one small error. At one point you use the word "the" when you mean "they". This is a simple typo and can be easily fixed.
Thank you for sharing.
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