In this introductory piece you establish who the protagonist of the story is, Storm. She is telling the story from the first person point of view (Storm's POV). You establish the age group of the characters, and insinuate what the overall story is to be about, namely Storm's life. The story is told in the past tense, and for a new writer this is probably a good idea because it is far easier to handle than present tense (you won't run into nearly as many problems with verb tenses).
I suspect the entire story will be in the first person POV, and that's find. One word of caution however: even though the first person POV is the most credible narrative voice, new writers frequently find it difficult to adhere to the restrictions imposed by this narrative voice. So as you continue to write, remember you are restricted to what Storm can, see, hear, taste, think, etc. Avoid the temptation to get into the other characters' minds! In your prologue you managed to avoid this narrative glitch that traps even some seasoned writers.
Thank you for sharing this outline of a story draft. Please remember, the comments, suggestions and criticism that I offer are strictly my own opinion. I offer them to you with kindness and respect.
The very first thing that jumps off the page is a question of factual accuracy. Let's look at this sentence:
I’m in my last year of school, 18 years old....you then go pn to say that Zak is ready for medical school and you, law school? What about pre-med? What about pre-law? Before entering medical school, which is not typically done directly from high school, there's four years of college first. The same holds true for law.
Why is this important? Because your readers expect what is called verisimilitude...which simply means they want to believe what the author writes, and when a blatant mistake in factual content occurs within the first paragraph, you've lost them. This holds true even if you are creating a fantastic realm or alternate universe. Even in those fantastic realms certain rules must always remain constant. If you want your sun to rise in the west and set in the east--fine! But it must always be consistent throughout the story.
Next, let's look at the fluency of the story progression. I think your fundamental idea is solid and can make for an interesting story. You have already introduced conflict, that being Sam's very existence.
My suggestion would be to start this story in a different time in the lives of your main characters. The real story begins when the two are adults, working in respected professions. The fact you lived with Zak in high school really isn't the important thing--that can be revealed later in the story, perhaps by having your protagonist have lunch with a close female friend. Dialogue is a very effective means to convey antecedent events to your readers. Another mechanism would be the use of flashback.
Since this is an outline/draft, I won't comment on grammatical structure. The focus and your concern is starting the story. So my recommendation is to get right into it...and leave the details of prior events until you've captured your readers' undivided attention.
I hope this helps some, and thank you for sharing your work.
Thank you Jason for sharing this story. I enjoyed the read. In fact, I read it three times to make sure I didn't miss any hint that might foreshadow its twist ending.
The story is well constructed, and the action, which is principally fueled by dialogue, has a natural fluency. At its most basic level, it is a story about a young highschool teacher who has a decided penchant for young males. She is, in fact, a seductress plain and clear.
Joey, on the other hand, is somewhat more enigmatic. There is nothing unusual about his character to suggest anything other than he's a sixteen year old boy who has car trouble and a dead cell phone. Nothing, that is, except for the very subtle clue you give when he's waiting at the door:
"...He looked a little pale, but his skin was clear of any blemishes."
This observation on Mary's part is consistent with her character; but it does raise a question that has significance later on. He must have been not only pale---but very pale (almost glowing with paleness in the dark of the night).
This suggestion was very well planted and certainly didn't diminish the diabolical ending.
I thoroughly enjoyed your story. I found no spelling or grammatical errors. I will be visiting your port to read more of your work.
A perfectly delightful poem with a moral. The poem captured the spirit of youth: fun-loving, mischievous, and sometimes addled--not thinking of the possible consequences of an action. You also managed to capture the essence of motherhood. Even though she was clearly upset by her son's thoughtless action, her concern was not so much for herself but for him.
You managed to say a great deal in relatively few words. All I have to say is that I'm glad I'm not that boy when Mother finds out.
First, let's look at the positive qualities of this short story. The narrative voice is clearly that of the boy. In other words, he is telling the story. This voice is accurately maintained throughout. There are no alternating points of view---and in a story of this size, that's always a good idea.
The substance of the story is honest and touching. It seeks to inform the reader of the little mistakes we make as children or young adults, mistakes that don't seem important at the time but have dire consequences. That is the essence of the story.
Now for the story's weaker points.
You seem to have a problem with tense agreement. Here's an example:
"Amelia, I can't help but feel like a dagger went through my heart. whenever my mind repeats her name"
The verb "went" does not agree with the verb "repeats". Look at this construction and see if you agree it is the better.
"Amelia, I can't help but feel like a dagger GOES through my heart whenever my mind repeats her name." There are several other places where this grammatical construction problem appears.
There are a number of spelling errors, but these are easily corrected with a spell checker.
Even though the word "alot" is frequesntly used in texting and in chatrooms---ALOT is not a word! It is a lot. When writing serious prose, it is important that the writer/author use proper grammatical construction and accepted spelling--unless there is a specific purpose not to, such as when writing dialect into dialogue.
Finally, I like your last line in the story, but to make a greater impact you might consider writing:
And this time I will listen.
The reason I suggest that change is to show the reader as a final comment, that the narrator Has Learned his lesson.
Of course these are only my suggestions, you have the final word as the creator of this story.
Hi Howard, I read your monologue with interest and empathy. Before I say any more, let me make one suggestion in your last paragraph. Either remove the word inspiration and put perspiration in its place or add perspiration to the list! But get it in there somehow.
Starting a novel is a daunting task. Some authors have said, "Gosh, it pretty much wrote itself!" Well I've not been quite so lucky! For me, it has been work work work, sleepless nights, weight loss, mood swings, and endless re-writes and editing. The process is not unlike a pregnancy--except it sometimes lasts longer than nine months.
But in spite of all that, you've got the right attitude. No matter what anybody says, DO IT. Go for the gold even when you just feel like erasing your hard drive!
You've already put a lot of time and money into the research (all those movies add up); don't even think about not doing it. Word by word, paragraph by paragraph, and chapter by chapter, your creation WILL come together; and then on its birthday you can celebrate and pat yourself on the back--and what's best of all, call yourself a novelist.
It's a great deal of work but you'll do it. I KNOW you Can.
Thank you very much for sharing this engaging story.
From a purely technical point of view, what I liked best about your story is the technique you employed at its beginning. All the information, background and otherwise, is divulged to the reader through the characters' conversation. This is not always easy to do, but you handled it quite effectively.
Your foreshadowing of the appearance of the young man at the end is subtle--and as soon as the blue silk bag appears, we immediately know what it contains.
The story is well-crafted, and well written, except for a few minor typos. Unfortunately, even though your foreshadowing is subtle, somehow I think the shock ending you are hoping for is somehow diluted. Of course, this is only how I feel.
I always enjoy reading your work and look forward to more.
Hi youme, I found your story on the review request page. I am pleased to offer my opinion of your story. Please remember, these are only my opinions. As the author, you have ultimate control of your story.
Since you indicate this is a draft of your story, I won't spend much time discussing the technical aspects of it, things like spelling, punctuation, etc; other than to say it does require significant editing. There are some grammatical errors.
More important is the structure of the story itself. When a writer decides to write a short story, one of the first questions she/he must ask is: Whose story is it? In this case, is the story avout Tom? John? or someone else. As it stands I can't quite be sure who the protagonist of your story is?
Next, the author must decide on which narrative voice and tense to use. It appears you have chosen to use the present tense, third person narrator POV. This okay, except that using the present tense can open up a can of worms when narrating past events that are crucial for the reader to know. I might suggest you change your tense to the simple past tense. I don't think it will negatively affect your story, and it will certainly be easier for you to write.
Remember, a short story is just that. By its very definition, the short story doesn't permit complex subplots. Don't try and pack too much action and twists into the framework of the story--it simply can't handle it. If you feel you want to include more complexity into your story, consider writing a novella.
Last point...Make sure you characters are believable! In this case, Grandpa, in a nursing home and who is reportedly senile, certainly has a great deal more going for him mentally and physically than any other elderly nursing home resident I have ever seen.
Take your time with your story, keep the main action of the story running linearly. This work has the potential of being a fine story, but will require a good deal of rewriting.
Thank you for sharing, and I hope my comments are helpful.
This is a very well-written, highly polished piece of literature. This is the first piece of your work I have read. Be assured I will be reading more.
You have a style that I very much enjoy. It also becomes immediately clear that you have learned your craft well, evidenced by how effectively you use tone and mood to "do the work" of description. One cannot help to feel immersed in the man's one room apartment. While you didn't mention it directly, one can actually smell the aromas of this room.
Getting into your character's mind and hearing his thoughts and ruminations was very eloquently crafted.
Your use of word economy is most eddective, enhanced by your manipulation of tone and mood. I thoroughly enjoyed this piece. I can find one and only one very minor error in this phrase:
they didn’t even put in a bag
Just insert "it" between put and in.
Thank you for sharing this literary delight. I'll be a frequent visitor to your port.
Once again you have demonstrated your mastery of the written word. This is a delightful short tale as seen from Buster's point of view. In it, we learn very early on that Buster has a very distinct personailty of his own. He is very witty and, like all dogs, somehow feels he is superior to cats--especially in regards to his housemate, Paddy.
Buddy can't seem to understand why the cat would bother stalking a milk cap; his sarcasm shows through in a very humorous way. Once again demonstrating his superiority, as if saying: "You foolish thing, you wouldn't catch me doing a stupid thing like that!"
Written with child-like innocense, Buddy is the undisputed hero of the story. The story has a moral that any child within the age range for whom this story is targeted, will get: No good deed goes without notice, and no great deed is without great reward.
A beautiful little story that I very much enjoyed.
Thank you for sharing your short story with us, and welcome to WDC. Please understand, any suggestions or recommendations I make are just that--suggestions. And any criticism I may offer is strictly my personal opinion. You, as the author, have complete creative control over your work.
That being said, the very first thing that caught my eye and raised a red flag is your first sentence:
The kids were rather surprised to find their mom and dad surprising them with a hiking trip up Mt. Hayfield one bright morning...(etc).
The use of the root word "surprise" twice in the first sentence kind of bogs the flow of the sentence. You might consider several alternatives to replace the first "surprised"...For example you might consider these words/phrases as a replacement. taken aback, couldn't believe, bewildered, (or if you want to add a little suspense to foreshadow the coming events, you might use: The kids were more than a little suspicious as to why their parents...
Your story is suspenseful and fairly well developed. The missung dialogue in the parents' conversation adds intrigue. I found myself trying to fill in the blanks of what Lisa couldn't hear.
With a little careful editing, this story has the potential of being a Really Good story.
Without exception I agree with the many points you brought up. We are a "spoiled" society, and if every little thing doesn't go just the way we think it should, we complain as though we were in mortal danger.
Most of us don't realize what we have, and take normalcy for granted. What we fail to remember is that "normalcy" is a relative term, as you point out in your article when speaking of the children in the bus.
Your article makes some very good points, but there are some places where the writing could use some careful editing. One example of what I mean stands out. Take this sentence:
I even end up having even two cars ahead of me...
Your thought would flow better by removing the first "even".
There are several other places in the article where a little polishing would make the difference between a good article and a REALLY good article.
This is a positively beautiful short story. The human interest aspect of this piece is transcendent. The setting, character descriptions, tone and mood all fit together like a carefully fashioned tapestry. What particularly impressed me was that instead of using string upon string of adjectives, your expert crafting of both tone and mood sufficed admirably. This is the work of an accomplished wordsmith, and I took great delight in reading it.
This little piece of prose reads like a tone poem sounds! Excellent job in capturing the sight, sounds, and merriment of the carnival. Although you use many similes, each is appropriate for this particular piece.
The storyline is unpretentious and direct, filled with the innocense of childhood wonder.
By the end of the narrative we learn a good deal about Annie, but most important of all, she is a woman who knows love and happiness are not measured by the thickness of one's wallet.
Beautifully written and poignant. Thank you so much for this literary Christmas gift.
First of all, let me welcome you to WDC. I see you are new here, and I want to reinforce the fact that you have made a great choice. You'll find many people here who are willing to help. So Welcome Aboard.
Now to your story. Please understand that what I write here reflects only my personal opinion, and whatever suggestions I might make are offered for your consideration; you are the final authority.
STORYLINE: This is an action-packed story with a number of characters. The opening paragraph functions similarly to a prologue, setting the time and place through exposition. This is fine.since the story commences at a fairly rapid pace until its conclusion. I can't be sure if this is meant to be a self-contained short story or a part of a larger work-in-progress. I suspect it is the latter?
TECHNICAL ISSUES: You have written this story in the third person POV. However, since Coryn plays such a major role in the story, you might consider writing it from the first person POV...This will have the added benefit of self-correcting some of its other weak spots.
You have elected to write the story in the present tense. This tense adds immediacy to the story and the reader gets the feeling she/he is involved in real time. The problem arises when you try and describe events that have taken place out of the present. This story contains some areas where there is tense disagreement. Additionally, there are some sentences that have subject/verb tense disagreement.
I noticed in a number of places you open your sentence with a participial phrase; this is okay but should be used sparingly. Try varying sentence structure, it livens up the forward movement of the story, and your readers will appreciate it.
On the whole, I enjoyed your story and look forward to reading more of your work.
The theme of this poem is unrequited love and the emotional pain that accompanies it. The poem briefly recalls some unnamed incidents where the narrator's hopes for a positive change but are never realized---once again disappointed and heartbroken.
The last stanza informs us of the nature of the writer. It is an epiphany of sorts. She has come to accept the reality of the situation, although wishing they could have remained friends. But such was not to be, and she does a most noble--albeit terribly difficult--act of true love. She wishes all the best to her lover who never was.
You have taken a universal theme, modernized it some, and created a delightful poem. By changing anything in this poem, I believe its clarity and sincerity would be diminished. Great Job!
Your article is both informative and encouraging. Those of us who do not suffer from any type of physical impairment often take our good fortune for granted. We tend to lose empathy for those with impairments, and often, sadly, become impatient. We forget that while most physically handicapped individuals fight a daily battle just to function in today's insane world.
I am very pleased to see that you are taking proactive steps to counter your handicap. Articles such as yours bring about an awareness of handicaps that far too many of us either take too lightly or dismiss entirely.
There are a few mechanical errors. You use the word "there" at least two times when you mean "their." A little quick editing and it'll be fine.
Thank you very much for sharing your work with us.
Once again, Wally, I am impressed with your work--you never disappoint.
This story, while science fiction, raises some extremely intriguing philosophical/theological questions. The question I pondered at the beginning of your story was: Why is it that so many believe that science and theology are mutually exclusive? And in the epilogue another frightening question emerges: Has mankind out-technologied himself now, or is there still hope for the future?
Mat makes the HAL-9000 look like a Tinker Toy. How dangerous has our technology become?
A well done intriguing short tale whose size belies its immense philosophical implications. I thoroughly enjoyed your story and can make no suggestions that would improve it. Well Done!
This story is well-written. Mechanically speaking, there are no overt errors in grammar, punctiuation or spelling that I could find. We learn very early on that it must be springtime because of the sight and fragrance of lilacs and jasmine. The setting and mood of the story is well established; yet certain elements central to the storyline seem to be absent.
The story asks many questions: who are these two people? What is their relationship? Why the sudden change of heart on the part of the woman...among others.
The story certainly has a mystical, enigmatic tone; and if that was your purpose, you accomplished it nicely. Unfortunately, there appears to be no resolution to the conflict within the story, thus leaving the reader feeling unfulfilled.
As I see it (and remember this is only my opinion), this is more of a scene from a larger story than a stand-alone story.
Thank you very much for sharing. Your writing is perfectly fine, but the fundamental structure of the story needs some work.
A positively beautifully crafted story. Your mastery of establishing tone and mood is apparent throughout. It would be nearly impossible for anyone reading your story to NOT feel, taste, smell, and see the setting you have created. Your two characters are life-like in every way. You captured Martha's very being superbly.
Your grammar and punctuation are flawless. I can find only one very minor mistake that you can fix in 30 seconds. You mention the door jam.....it should be jamb.
This was I call fine literature, written in the classical form. KUDOS to you. I fully enjoyed your story to the max.
Thank you for sharing, this was such a pleasant read.
The point and meaning of your poem is easily understood. Its message and succinctness is indisputable. From a literary point of view I have no criticism. The meter of the poem remains consistent throughout, and you chose a very clever way of verifying the truth of your words by having the Great I AM narrate the poem
Very nice work, I look forward to reading more. Thank you for sharing.
A quick and pleasant short read, crisply written and very succinct. If one is to find any sense in it whatsoever, one has to abandon all Aristotelian logic and apply the rules that govern paradoxes?????
What comes to mind as I read this is this old question:
Can God make a rock so heavy that He Himself cannot lift? Obviously a paradox! Likewise, if God can do anything, does that include the ability to do nothing?
A fun read. Thank you. I'll look for more of your work. Thanks for sharing.
This beautifully written sensitive short piece comes very close to being an elegy. The truth and innocence expressed in this story cannot help but make the reader wonder if this is a creation of the author's imagination, or a personal reflection of a time--now sadly consigned to eternity. In either event, the writing and imagery is masterfully executed.
It is impossible to improve on perfection, so I will remain silent...except for this one final thought:
A well-crafted suspenseful story. Well done. You establish early on Alice's paranoia. We don't know at first why she is paranoid, but anyone who is as fastidious about making certain her safety is secured, by checking the locks so many times, is either paranoid or suffers from OCD. As the story unravels we learn the reason for her hypervigilance, and we now can understand her anxiety.
The storyline flows along effortlessly. There is just the right amount of description to establish the setting and mood of the story without becoming belabored with non essential descriptives.
Aside from being a most enjoyable story, it also carries a message, a warning of the potential danger of internet chatting. The twist of the story (which adds to its enjoyability factor) is that it was not Alice who mis-typed, it was Larry. That twist I enjoyed very much.
Graet work, just one minor suggestion: ...repaired old movie camera...
camera should be plural.
Thank you for sharing, I'll be reading more your work.
A touching sympathetic tribute to a very dear friend. The tone of the poem, while austere, also carries with it a sense of understanding and great compassion.
I have but one minor recommendation and that is the following phrase needs a correction:
you whispered to silent to tell
The first "to" needs to be changed to "too".
Other than that, I would leave it just as it is.
Thank you very much for sharing.
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