as if I was in a huge villa with its playgrounds. This confused me, did you mean village? Because my mental image of a villa has gardens, but not playgrounds.
The microphones of the ship w open I think you forgot the rest of the word….. was?
before he break down the whole ship trying …breaks
Break down the ship … Breaks
“no, but Red convinced him … No
The dialogue in this is strained. The android sounds child-like. Since dialogue, rather than narrative drives this, you need to pay special attention to it and to making it naturally segue into the response. It's plodding and ordinary. The end improved the overall story.
This is good. It lends itself to expansion. A few notes before I comment on content. The formatting needs an overhaul. Its difficult to read in its current form. Now to content. This creates some very specific impressions. If you are of a mind, it would be a piece that you could continue. Use this as the introduction and then fast forward to a time where Rumi is actually older. It would make a great fantasy story.
The first line is problematic. Gods should be plural or you should rework the phrasing for singularity, although from the rest of the poem you are speaking in plural. The last line is a little problematic as well.... perhaps it would improve the rhythm to use to would turn us mad as a hatter. Same words, different rhythm. This needs a little polish with attention to its natural rhythm, I know that sounds redundant... but you didn't write this with meter.... and it will be very good.
This was very entertaining. I really enjoyed reading it. I could almost envision the dreamworks version in my head. I hope you intend to continue it. It makes a great children's story. I read it to the three year old that I watch and he was upset that it was over. So thanks, because it made a great break from Oomi Zoomie. !
Spell check, with. This starts off almost like a Dr.Seuss sort of thing. But then, you change it. Some of the rhymes feel forced and the flow stutters as you change it without warning. With a little tweaking, it would flow better. Removing unnecessary 'and's' and keeping the I've lived going. Changing it to whatever other repeat intro to the line you choose next. I think the point is gets murky. When you're introducing the crime, you double state it and I'm not sure it works as well as the beginning.
This is very well done. Onto needs to be capitalized. It has flow and imagery in very few words. It does elicit the sort of feeling that is akin to Robert Frost. It's clean and basic, not easy to achieve, without being so brief as to leave the reader wondering if they interpreted it correctly. Very nice.
This is an opening. One of things you need to do with a script, is adequately describe your setting. Line of sight description at the very least is necessary. It's all well and good to have epic music, but you need that visual. Two nations.... mountain nations? island nations? desert nations? It may not seem important at first but you need to create the backdrop so that as you build your story and characters they become real. The dialogue is good, if brief. The form was a bit strange for me. Most scripts format different.
Lord Rucker: then the dialogue and any notes on tone and inflection.
The Asher section needs background as well. Is the street noisy? Is it a residential street? A market street? Shops? The atmosphere needs to be established, so that Asher can feel real.
This is an interesting take on the snow queen legend. Throughout the piece, I noticed some issues. Comma usage is an issue. Also, try restructuring the sentencing so that you can eliminate the repetitive he's and she's. The ending was predictable, however. Not that it needs to be changed, but perhaps some acknowledgment from the Hunter, looking down on his body would add a bit to the end of it. It's a tad hard to read with the format. Double line spacing might help it not seem so squashed, for want of a better word. This story would also benefit from more description of the land and time. This has the potential to be an excellent story.
This is very good. It evokes some strong and clear images that resonate. I really enjoyed this. I think some investigation into some synonyms might help the flow. It stutters a little. You paint the picture, but you can use words that have more impact that would improve the flow.
The theme of this is nice. I like the couplet repetition. Just something to consider. If you are going to rhyme, then rhyme throughout. And if you rhyme, you have to introduce a meter or a flow, which with this wording would be difficult to achieve. The last two lines are excellent. I would change it to No one had bothered to explain.... for the sake of flow in the end. Think about keeping this and revising it line by line, compare the two and then doing it again. Poetry can be a very painful process but this is really a good idea.
“Uh...Nao,” her fried ( friend) said lightly.
Her fake returned as she opened the door in front of her. her fake ______ returned. You forgot a word.
Those were the only glaring errors that jumped out at me. I think this has promise. It starts off pretty well, however, you may want to consider changing the paragraph order. Starting out with the dialogue, then the following paragraph, and then the paragraph you open with. It may help improve the flow and I think it might start it out on a more action based platform. I think that as a prologue, it fall short in only one way, and that's the explanation of what's happening to her. It seems 'evil'. It seems that her body is hosting something parasitic. A break in italics, referencing it or having that at the beginning would go a long way into making this an excellent read. It's a good start.
This might work better as prose. In poetry, one of the lovely things is, you don't have to write in full sentences. The repetition of I'm can be eliminated as understood. This is more of a free form sort of poem. So you don't have to worry about stanza lines or meter. However, what you want to examine is flow and evoking the feeling more clearly, the confusion, the pain, the abandonment. You end it as the death of the Sim's character, but wouldn't they just be like a phoenix rising from the virtual ashes to be reincarnated as a new character? If you made it a prose, which is basically a passionate passage, you could keep your sentencing. And kudos to you for making poetry out of a computer game.
This is very good. It evokes an image that is very clear, and it has that universal appeal that every reader could find their own meaning in it. That is not an easy accomplishment. I really liked this and for the record, I'm a poetry snob. There is only one criticism I have, the use of darkness twice. You twist your words very well.... but if you could substitute another word, like lightlessness, blackness, pitch.
This is very interesting. I think you're word choice is appropriate to the imagery you are creating. It is evident that the subject is tortured. Going from a four line stanza to a five line stanza makes the flow of this stutter a little. It's very stark and bleak, but you could add the two lines necessary to make it flow. It's very austere, so you couldn't actually take anything away. Now this is just something that struck me. If it's raining at night, chances aren't she isn't staring into 'sparkling space'.
This is an unusual story. I think that the paragraphing needs work. Another thing I noted was the lack of a descriptive setting. I take it from the Aggie cup and going to stay at the dorm in the end and the proximity of the school chums, that you're in Texas. The story happens quickly, a little too quickly. If you started with some sort of description of how obsessive and unusual the main character is, then it would have made more sense. Most people know what it's like to move into their first apartment, but to be driven to that extent of craziness, isn't ordinary in so short a time. I think if you fleshed this out over a period of a month, ending with his driving need to find out what the 'sound' actually was, it would be excellent. Some run in's with Ms. Taylor could add a bit of humor to it. Over all, it was good though.
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