Be careful not to write the narrative the way you talk. That can be done when the story is in the first person, but its problematic in the third person.
THE SPLIT TRUCK
It had been the first time in many months since John had seen his ex-wife, Alice. They had "split" only six or so months ago, and he still had not gotten over how the whole situation went about.
*Try using a stronger voice in your opening. This is where you can hook or lose people quite easily. … maybe something more emotional. – Alice. This was the first time John encountered his ex-wife in six months or longer. He still couldn’t forget or get over the whole situation.
It wasn't a mutual divorce, he had tried to make it work; the time and effort were both put in, the only problem was that she did not want it to work.
*The term mutual divorce is odd. It might be better to express it differently that would also infuse some emotion into it. –He never wanted a divorce. He had put in the time and effort to make it work, but she never wanted it, not like he did.
SHE didn't want it to continue; he still remembered the last words that he had heard from her the day that she left "their" house and left the keys for good," It was good while it lasted", these words stuck with John.
*Consider allowing him to ‘think’ this. -- She never wanted this to work. If she had, how could she end it that way? She left her house keys, to their house, saying, “It was good while it lasted”. Who does that?” John would never forget those words.
To him it didn't seem like any way to end a relationship let alone a marriage, but now she was back in his life for this brief moment, for this one life stopping and heart racing moment.
*
"Hello John" said Alice. “It's been awhile".
She was right, it had been a while and he knew it. "Hello Alice, how have you been?"
Alice shrugged; she wasn't here for the basic fundamentals of a normal day conversation. She was here for one reason, one selfish reason.
"So, where do we begin?" said John. – asked, not said.
"Maybe with the finale papers, unless you would like to reconsider?”
- finale papers is kind of funny, but I believe you meant FINAL
"John we've gone over this, it's over and there's no going back". They both knew that it had been over and was going to remain over. John had always joked to himself about what he would say or do if they actually had gotten back together.
"I know it's just a joke," said John. Slowly Alice pulled out a large stack of paper from her purse and handed them over the coffee table separating them. John read over the papers and signed the dotted line next to the small little "x" that lay before it.
"There it's done and how painful was that" said Alice. It hadn't been painfully, not for her at least, but John, showed no sign of emotional torment but deep inside he felt the pain of the worst creation.
*It had not been PAINFUL, not for her, at least. John showed no signs of his emotional torment, but deep inside he felt the worst pain in creation.
"Not at all" said John still hiding the pain that he felt inside. He knew now that this meet would not last that much longer, she was here for the papers and the papers only and she had gotten what she wanted, like always. Alice stood leaned her head forward and whispered something to John.
*You might want to include the whisper either here, or later when he has a moment to reflect on what she actually said to him.
What she whispered was not what had hooked his attention, it was the idea that she was this close to him and wasn't trying to hug and or kiss him, which no longer occurred with their so called relationship, and wasn't stealing his car keys making fun of him. She had always been the thief but she was his thief and he knew that she would always return what she had stolen. When Alice pulled back and stood straight up she smiled at John.
*It might serve your story better to give him time to reminisce about who Alice is, what she is, her attitudes, personality, etc, before the meeting.
"It was good seeing you John" which was followed by the click clack of her heels exiting the diner.
*This is the first time you mentioned the actual setting of the meeting. You might want to establish that earlier with a description so it doesn’t seemed rushed and pushed in.
John didn't move until he saw Alice's car peel out of the parking lot and fly down the street, always the thriller seeker he thought to himself. This thought made him chuckle as he stared down at the half empty mug of coffee that had been brought to him only minutes before Alice had arrived.
He was tired when he received the coffee and gulped down the first half to seem, to Alice, alive and well since their last meet. He always seemed tired, always was tired. It was his main problem and most noticeable feature. His friends teased him about it, his co-workers gossiped about it always wondering what exactly he was doing to have looked so tired, and his family members worried about him because of it. All these thoughts zoomed in; out, around, and through whatever process they had been assigned. This was his basic routine. This was John.
*Now that you want to describe John and his feelings, do with thought and less matter-of-fact. You’re trying to create a character that the reader responds to, not listing his traits and issues.
If a random person of the street were to describe to you who they thought John Kailing was, they would give it a quick look over and, not unusually, decide that he must be some office worker, living of small wages. The truth had actually been that he was a writer for a large well endorsed newspaper; also that he was a free-range writer himself. A quick description of John would reveal an out of place tie and tucked in white long sleeve shirt connected to a pair of flat black jeans worn from the long days and nights of writing. A half shaved beard, and a tall somewhat large build would complete the quick description. The only thing that most quick look and guesses did not get correct was the fact of his age. Besides the fact that John had already been married and divorced, he was only barely entering his late twenties. He had been in and out of college within four years. Graduated with a degree in creative writing, and at the ripe age of twenty-two he had a bright future ahead of him. Often reflection on his previously bright future, John was always looking back and never let he look onward as to not disappoint himself and anyone else. John continued to gulp down his coffee trying to quickly finish and leave the coffee shop and continue with his life of writing, alone, like many other saps just like him. He was no different then ( than) anybody else.
*Again, tell the story, describe your character and remember to weave your words so they flow and catch the reader’s attention. Another point that you hit on but don’t actually clarify is that you say the onlookers wouldn’t be able to guess his age. Does he look younger? Or older? Or does have an ageless quality?
The coffee shops (coffee shop’s) bell rang as another costumer walked in ready to give their order and enjoy the rest of their day. Fortunately, unfortunately in his mind, John's best friend, Chris, was that new customer that walked in ready to make an order.
*This is awkward. Try rearranging your words. The bell of the coffee shop rang as a new customer came in. Fortunately or unfortunately, depending on the point of view, it was Chris.
Chris was an athletic, good-looking blob of jock. Slightly smaller and thinner then John he was everything John wanted to be, the life of the party and the bachelor that every girl in town wanted to be with.
*This is a badly constructed sentence. Chris was an athletic, good-looking blob (not a word I would use) of a jock; slightly smaller and thinner than John. Chris was everything that John always wanted to be. The life of the party and the bachelor that every girl in town wanted.
Chris walked up to the counter, unaware at the time of John, and gave his trade mark flash of a grin at the coffee shop employee, who of course just happen to be a good looking blonde that lived around the corner from Chris. Like a rat in a trap, she was instantly under his charm. They exchanged words and a couple of smiles and laughs.
*Again, think about rearranging your words and sentences.
Who knew that that conversation would end with Chris asking the employee about John and if she had seen him, and of course after being under his spell for an appropriate amount of time, she pointed in my direction in the corner of the room. Chris turned nodded a hello, and went back to the employee to say goodbye, and to get her number.
*You tell this story in a familiar tone and then choose words that create distance like ‘employee’. I’m sure he would know her name if he frequented the coffee shop and she lived just around the corner.
John chuckled at the thought that another girl has fallen into the Venus Fly-trap that Chris had set. After receiving a paper with some indecipherable scribbles on them Chris left the counter and started towards John. While pushing the last thoughts of Alice to the back of his mind John pushed the opposing chair once occupied by his ladylove out for Chris to sit as an invitation. He did not accept. Chris walked over to John's side of the table, "Can't stay got places to go," said Chris. He flinched his head backwards towards the coffee shop employee, who had begun to take off her workers apron and pack her stuff, no doubt eagerly awaiting the time at which she would leave with Chris and head back to either one of their places. "I just came over to ask if you were intending on joining the group today at Mikes' place." It was clear now why he was here, it group knight ( it was group night) (end the sentence here and continue with a new one) and he and Chris were to meet their other friends for activities. (activities seems to be an unnatural word choice) "Yeah, man I don't know," said John, "I'll have to see if the boss has got any new pieces he wants me to write for this weeks ( week’s ) issue." This was bull, and Chris knew it. "Well if you want to come, you know where we are meeting," said Chris as he began to slide backwards. He turned on his heel and took the arm of the employee and as fast as he had come in left in the same pace.
Later that day when John arrived at home, or what he called home, he slumped down in his desk chair and leaned back staring at his computer screen. A photo montage played of his "past" life with Alice.
In general, if you have a really good path for this story, you’ve begun it. Making sure you use words appropriate to your tone is important. Making sure you use correct punctuation and the correct words (Microsoft word will not correct inappropriate use, only spelling errors, so when you had knight instead of night, that was not going to be flagged). Remember to proofread like the piece isn’t yours and to critique it like it was written by your ex-girlfriend who took your dog.
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