Thank you for allowing me to review. We learn from everyone. I read that you specialize in mystery or the bizarre, from watching Twilight Zone and that shows.
Maureen had a demon and you wrote the story, as Alfred Hitchcock or Rod Sterling would leaving the reader guessing.
Towards the middle of the story you divide it with #. Maybe you forgot to put the number. You could divide the paragraphs and dialogue with an extra line. One reason for this is so the reader can find his/her place if interrupted.
With those very minor changes, it is well written, an intriguing story. Thank you for sharing your talent. I hope to read a novel by you some day. Write on!!
Thank you for the opportunity to review your work. This is only one opinion of millions.
OVERALL IMPRESSION
The essay is about global warming. I had to read this because I can smell a gas in our air lately and wonder if the end is coming for all of us. It rains once a week, when it's usually once every two months. The polar ice cap is melting and the water must go somewhere. You have done your research answering many questions. I hope we all have many more years.
SUGGESTIONS
I don't know what to suggest. Maybe a picture at the end such as this one.
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It's about space anyway.
HIGHLIGHT
The highlight has to be that at the end it may not be the fault of man that ends our world.
CONCLUSION
Thank you for your research. We all must of aware of the world's frailties in order to help. Write on!
Write on!!
Maybe you aren't into comedy. I wrote a little story for a contest:
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The article is about writing a query letter to an agent or publisher. It's good to read information from another member, with experience. We can't respond to the Writer's Market information with a question or two. For a suggestion, it would be interesting to read your actual experiences too. Tell us your horror stories. I sent a query to an agent with the letter arriving in time for the post office to be under water.
APPEARANCE
This was set up perfectly with headings in color for information to easily be found. I saw no spelling punctuation or grammatical errors. Thank you for this much needed information for WDC members. Write on. You wrote to not use explanation marks. We really, really want you to write on.
JULIE CAULFIELD
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Two weeks ago I sent some https://www.Care2 cards with a similar dog. Watch your email for one. This is a “must have” for you. The story is like that of many teenagers, as I wanted a puppy too. Jenny was special a reward to you for learning to drive. The story of her running before the bus was frightening. Later, it’s always sad when they go. I took the death of my dog worse than the death of any person that I have known. Your pet is part of you. They become part of parents too, like your father.
APPEARANCE
It was very well presented. For a suggestion, you might bold the headings using Writing ML Tools. I found four misspelled words (most likely typos). I always appreciate being told of those.
Toward the center of the story:
Scraps, direction, traffic and i should be I.
This is minor. Keep up the good work. I hope you like the Care2.com Card. Keep writing!!
JULIE CAULFIELD
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This story is called a Lovecraft fanfic and we are told if you don’t like that and HPL to not read. I don’t know what this is at all, but I have to review something or my teacher at A-1 Academy, Bronx Bishop, will tan my hide.
I hope There She Goes will forgive a novice at the art of critique.
OVERALL IMPRESSION
This is very well written. The author paid attention in her English and grammar classes. The story is of a girl that left home for the big city to become involved with the occult. She calls her old flame Peter and he is surprised to see the girl still in her 20s old and feeble looking. She has a stalker, an Algol. I think that it needed another sentence to climax. Like a thesis statement in an essay, a story has a climax. You say he didn’t kill the Algol. I just think there should be another sentence. It’s very well done. Keep writing and sharing. You are the best.
APPEARANCE
The spelling and punctuation is perfect.
Toward the middle of the story there is a typo. It says, “I stared at here, but she didn’t move. It should be “I stared at her.”
Two paragraphs in the center of the story starting with “A picture came up… and A newswoman…” are chopped meaning either you may have edited and didn’t make them one paragraph or perhaps they are supposed to be two paragraphs. There is not an extra line between paragraphs. Maybe you want to bring two sentences closer.
INTRO TO DIALOGUE – ASSIGNMENT WEEK 1 by Avid Reader FACING CHARGES, REV. 2.0
I hope that NoviceWriter will bear with Novice Reviewer. It looks like you will from the first paragraph. We are all here to learn.
OVERALL IMPRESSION
This is an assignment for Intro to Dialogue – Assignment Week 1. You made a good choice of choosing Mark Twain for the dialogue as the characters speak the story. Then we go to your own writing example. You need not apologize for this attempt. The story is full of mystery shown to us using dialogue. I hope you got an A. You have the police and attorney’s asking questions of the prisoner and leaving us hoping that you finish the story.
My assignment is to discuss style and tone. It is third person and the people are upset, especially the lady in shackles. We learn that she is in charged with possession of something and charged with a hate crime. It isn’t drugs or she would be in a hospital. It is a gun of some sort. That’s the only thing that would put her in jail and in shackles. But, if it were a regular gun, she wouldn’t be asking, “A hate crime?” It’s something that isn’t ordinarily a weapon. It leads me to believe one thing. She put Tabasco in her date’s chocolate pudding. She’s confused that they are saying hate. She just can’t cook. The reader wants to know more. You did your job well.
I am supposed to find mistakes. I see you say “she.” Then I see “I.” I am not sure that this is third person. Are you the character in the story? This isn’t clear.
APPEARANCE
This is well presented. You have the dialogue of each character separated to not confuse the reader. There was the problem I already stated and I saw a misspelled word in the first sentence, chapter.
Thank you for letting me review your work. You will be a great novelist or screenwriter some day. Write on!!
The story is about a girl from a divorced family, expecting a Birthday party without her natural mother. I think the beginning sentence could be more gripping. Lying in bed isn’t very exciting. She was thinking, in torment, missing her family. Life is lonely without a loving family. She prayed to God to bring the family together. Divorce doesn’t always destroy relationships as we see at the end. The brood was together for the Birthday. It is well written, however, it could use a little more conflict in the body, not just missing someone. Tell why she missed her Mom. She was always there to listen. The stepmother isn’t easy to talk to and can’t make her favorite dessert. Maybe she doesn’t trust the stepmother, as she found her looking in her jewelry.
My lesson with A-1 this for Week 4 was about characters. You could describe the characters better, their outward and inner appearance; thus, showing a better picture of the setting. Don’t say “black cat,” but say long hair, moody from a horrid day. Use the five senses. You could say the stepmother didn’t use fabric softener and the sheets on her bed were stiff are boards.
APPEARANCE
There should be an extra line between paragraphs of a single spaced story or report. It was good that you put the prayer in blue dividing it from the other story. Changes I would make are minor. You are a great writer. Keep up the good work. Write on!!
"BEAUTIFUL" is what the substitute teacher wrote and that's my opinion of your writing too. You could be a professional. There was conflict with the substitute teacher, memorable characters, including the kind Principal, a perfect opening of the story and perfect ending, applause from your friends and peers. Everyone wants and needs a pat on the back.
APPEARANCE
I am supposed to offer advice to make it better. I saw a typo on the last line; that should be figured. You should be proud enough to put a clever title on it for your portfolio. Great job. Write on!!
Julie Caulfield
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Thank you for sharing your embarrassing scholastic story. I have made speeches from hell.
OVERALL IMPRESSION
Actually kids can be rude. What did they expect? An epic? You were giving information of one of the world's most fascinating animals. Perhaps you could have pictures to show next time, as some people are more visual.
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Don't be afraid to try speechmaking again. You described your feelings very well, even with a bright red face. Maybe you could present some of the information you uncovered through your research years ago towards an article for your portfolio.
APPEARANCE
Remember to put an extra line between paragraphs for a single spaced report. You could add a title and make this a nice article for your portfolio. Keep writing!!
Julie
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Dragonrain tells us of a friend in Salt Lake City, who experienced domestic violence and is fighting back. All women can relate to this article, either from being victims themselves or have a friend with the problem. The statistics are staggering. Also a resident of SLC, I claim these women as my friends. I recall on a trip, as a United Way helper, visiting the YWCA and meeting battered wives. One of them, mysteriously, fell down the stairs that night and died. There were whispers that the husband got into the YWCA. Women all over must pray for Sophia to overcome this, and become the lobbyist to help victims of violence. Some men are victims as well.
To improve the story, Dragonrain should tell where she got the statistics and perhaps put a link to the website. A plus is that she has quotes from Sophia, with firsthand experience of the problem. There is a gripping opening, with horrible conflict, and plot. We all hope for a good future for Sophia. The setting is a city famous for being peaceful, Salt Lake City. This shows that the problem is everywhere.
APPEARANCE
The punctuation, grammar with exception to some quotes from the anguished victim, and spelling is good. You might put an extra line after the heading. Try using bold and place it in the center.
The story is an important message to mankind. You are a good writer as well as a friend. I hope to see more of your work.
JULIE CAULFIELD
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A newbie is new to WDC, but it's easy to see that you have been writing poety for a long time. This is beautiful. There is not one thing I would change. Perhaps you could put the title in caps and bold. I hope to see more of your work. Write on!!
JULIE CAULFIELD
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Poetry does a good job to describe the experience of the Grand Canyon, including the sound of water echoing from the walls. All this was carved by the 40 mile long fierce Colorado River over two million years. At this moment I coincidentally enjoy a movie called Grand Canyon with couples escaping the city to see the world in a different light. We all need the best of two worlds, city and country. Being the daughter of an Arizona cowboy, and a potential Daughter of the Arizona Pioneers and Utah Pioneers, I loved the poem.
Perhaps you should submit this to Arizona Highways. It's that good!! Keep writing!!
JULIE CAULFIELD
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I thouhght you would like to see how my New Years Eve Madlib turned out. This is very funny. You did it perfect.
Meg Ryan played around the kitchen like a chicken with her head cut off. "I only have 47 hours until the party starts," she screams, "everyone get out of here right now or someone is going to get hurt." cousin, husband and son scrambled and in her cousin's case scurried quickly out of the room. "Oh, what am I going to do," Meg Ryan moaned, "If only I hadn't woken up late, hadn't missed the bus to work, hadn't had to stay late. Now I have to put all the lamp together for tonights New Year's party."
Meg Ryan began preperations at once. pudding, Egg Nog, cookies were almost all ready. Then the trouble started. Her son walked into the kitchen and asked, "Mom, when does the party start?" and accidently calculated causing the whole problem. The mixing bowl which contained the ingrediants for the pudding fell to the tiled floor, making a huge mess. Meg Ryan, not seeing the mess, rushing too much while putting together the drinks slipped, dropping the Egg Nog. The glasses smashed to the ground and when their parakeet, Henry Nickols heard the sound he got a little scared. He walked onto the Daisy, knocking over all the cookies
Meg Ryan vomited at the mess. Her party was editing soon. running she fell to the floor. Her husband hearing the noise rushed into the room and wrapped his arms around her. "It'll be ok," he said, "We'll just order in." Meg Ryan didn't want to order in but without food or drinks her party would be ruined so she nodded and Robert Redford went to get the phone.
47 Hours Later
The party was going great. Meg Ryan was the perfect hostess and everything was just perfect, There was potato Chips, and Dr. Pepper and Strawberries. Suddenly everyone let out a Hungarian cheer and Meg Ryan looked around surprised. Her husband traveled up to her and wrapped his ankle around her waist.
"Happy New Year's, ice cream."
Thank you for your entry. Good luck in the contest. There are two other judges. I loved it.
How disappointing. It was only a painting of a tan puppy. You were asked for the worst Birthday. They did try to give her the wish, but it was sort of a slap in the face.
you are always an excellent writer Monty, perfect grammar and spelling. I hope that you win the contest. I thought of entering. I guess it doesn't have to be a true story.
This is so sad. You are an excellent writer - absolutely excellent. It was a privilege to read your work and to have met you during the night reading from my port. I saw that the story was flawless. Good luck in your career as an actress and writer too.
Julie Caulfield
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P.S. Do you think your agent would help me too?
This is beautiful. I admire those who can write poetry. A wonderful tribute to love and the affection for your husband, it is well written and was a lot of work. I hope he appreciates this as much as your readers. Good luck in the contest for Author of the Month for the WDC Angel Army.
Julie Caulfield
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Good for you. Don't let anyone stop you. The only thing I would change is the size of the font for, "I will make him proud." Don't let anyone forget your goal. Write on!!
Julie Caulfield
P.S. Why don't you add his picture. Let everyone remember him.
This is great for the holiday. It looks like an old one from the number. The new ones get messed up. The words are in the wrong order. Yours is right. Thank you for sharing.
'Twas the night before Flag Day and all through the truck not a/an teddy bear was stirring, not even a/an zebra.
The children were photographed all snug in their piano bench while visions of rutabegas crackled in their casada.
When out on the lawn there arose such a clatter, I sprang from my saddle to see what was the matter.
I knew in a/an telephone pole it must be Saint Jim,with his miniature Lamborghini and 12 tiny whales named Dasher and Dancer and Leonard and Les.
He filled all our tacos, then laying his kidney aside of his toe, up the chimney he buzzed.
But I heard him exclaim, as he skipped out of sight, "chubby Christmas to all and to all a/an bright night!"
This is beautiful. Thank you for sponsoring it, so that we would all see this for Thanksgiving. This is traditionally a time to be closer to God and give thanks for what he has given us. City people don't have a harvest, but have a paycheck or supposed to have one. Thank you for sharing. Write on!!
This was a beautiful story of your niece. My uncle was a doctor too, but he lived in Sacramento, so we were not close. You took good care of her. It's good to have a doctor in the family. Two of my boyfriends from years ago were doctors: Dr. Sauers was also a race car driver, off road and Porsche and he was the team doctor the the L.A. Lakers. He was really a crush. Dr. Morrison liked architecture and was like Dr. Trump.
Back to your story. It was excellent. Natie is in heaven now. Write on!!
This is a very clever story as well as funny. Imagine calling yourself a potato. He turned into a potato chip at the end and another Ewok crushed him. He even mentioned lunch. That's terrible. You are very clever. I saw no spelling or technical errors. Write on!!
I don't know why you started the poem, "I am not a Jew are you?" Some of my best friends are Jews. It's a religion and heritage. We can't help that. I am Mormon, and have faced some persecution. Maybe you should clarify why you started the poem like that. I remember you are the one that sold movie rights to a story. I am with Disney. I hope we can be friends as we have things in common. I would like to live in Australia. You will ahve to tell me about it. You do excellent work and have dome a lot form the list I see. Keep up the good work. Write on!!
Kare: With so many that reviewed this, I'm surprised someone didn't tell you. Shame to all these members. January at the bottom needs a y on the end. Otherwise it's perfect with a beautiful title. I had to read it. You do good work using drama and art for your tools. Write on!!
This is a wonderful poem of youth and vitality. Three-year-olds are all a flutter and brighten your day. Your grand-niece must be very much like you. I admire people that are able to write prose, telling a little story in a few words. I saw no misspelled words or technical errors. How can you tell with poetry. It's supposed to be dramatic and artistic. Write on!!
Julie
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Another cute story from Dmack. You are on a roll. I like "The Cake" better, because everyone has experienced doing something wrong while the parents are out. Baking a cake at 2am is different. I saw no technical problems, a perfect account of trouble at home while the parents are gone. Write on!!
I'll put my signature on right this time!!
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