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#1263516 by Not Available. |
As I'm reading through I shall place any suggestions I have for editing (as in punctuation/grammer/etc) below... If you wish to skip all of this for now, my overall view and comments on your story are at the bottom of this review in green.
"unkempt hair and sullen demeanor would not have drawn much attention."~~~~>Perhaps put a comma either after 'unkempt hair' or after 'unkempt hair and sullen demeanor'.
"his garb and the device emblazoned upon his dirtied armour"~~~~>I think you should perhaps add in a comma before 'and the device....' as well as after 'armour'. Also, just to make sure, were you intending to spell 'armour' in old english? Or did you mean to spell it 'armor'?  Doesn't matter either way, I just wanted to find out. (Though, I assume you decided to take the old english route!)
"destined to become more powerful and sow the seeds of corruption and destruction throughout the world of Men and bring about the fall of Ragnas's master." This is a personal pet peeve of mind, so please pay no heed to it if you do not agree. I always try not to put too many 'and's' in one sentence. Please consider revising this sentence to take out a few of them, for I think it would make for better flow and less of a run-on.
"But Halknid would never forgive him if he had shown up the next morning with a notch in his blade and an enormous gash where his opponent's ax had hewn into his breastplate."~~~>Consider taking 'But' out from the beginning of this sentence. I think it is un-needed.
"But Brother had to admit to see the wisdom in that."~~~>This sentence doesn't quite make sense. Maybe change it to 'But Brother had to admit that he could see the wisdom in that'. Notice the added 'he'. Also, as with the previous sentence I inquired about, think about taking the 'But' out of the beginning of the sentence, though, it is not something that is especially needed.
"could not afford to let themselves the luxury of letting their arms go to seed."~~~~>Maybe shorten this part of the sentence up. Ex. 'could not afford the luxury of letting their arms go to seed.' or 'could not afford to let themselves have the luxury' (notice the 'have' that was added). Also, I am not familiar with the term 'go to seed', I'm assuming it's something along the lines of 'go to waste'.
"turning up the wick slightly to let himself a little more light."~~~~>instead of 'let' possibly change it to something else. Maybe 'give', because I don't think 'let' quite makes sense.
"and he began to unstrap his breastplate."~~~~>I suggest changing this up in the beginning, for ex. 'then began', I think it allows the sentence to flow better.
"This was done, he was just walking over to the grinding wheel with sword in hand, when he heard a crash from behind him."~~~>The beginning of the sentence doesn't quite make sense. I'd like to suggest that you change it up. Ex. 'When this was done...' and change the tenses of the words accordingly, this way it would make more sense and the transition would be smoother.
"and he pointed his sword towards the stranger"~~~>May I suggest, instead of 'and', that you use 'as' or 'then'? I think it would make a little more sense then and the transition of the events would be, again, smoother.
"'You do realize you are assaulting an officer of the peace?' said Brother."~~~>Perhaps instead of 'said' try 'asked' or 'inquired'?
"Perhaps his last stand would at least be worthy of a mention among his peers and those to come."~~~>The word 'a' before 'mention' is not needed.
"This expression seemed to spark something in this Ragnas Rolandt, however."~~~>Might I suggest moving that 'however' around? Ex. 'This expression, however, seemed to spark something in Ragnas Rolandt' (notice the removed 'this' in front of 'Ragnas Rolandt').
"as if a surge of emotion was straining against the dam of his willpower and for a split second, it seeped out."~~~~>You don't really need a comma after 'second', however, if you'd like to keep it there, then I would like to suggest another way to do it. Ex. '...the dam of his willpower and, for a split second, it seeped out.'
"and the pompousness of his previous challenge was dashed as his face turned red and he raised his sword, screaming"~~~>I'd like to suggest you remove the 'and' between 'red' and 'he', though it is not something that truly needs to be done. Ex. '...dashed as his face turned red. He then raised....', etc.
"Ragnas thrusted his sword down, hard, with the swiftness and deadly intention of a viper"~~~> 'thrusted' should be just 'thrust'.
"Then, to the amazement of both warriors, a diminutive bead of brilliant orange light descended from above them, and they both stood staring as it fell between them."~~~~>Take out the 'them' after 'from above', I think this makes for a better sentence.
"irritation at the fact that he now was being forced to get his hands dirty."~~~~>Might I suggest rewording this a bit? Ex. 'he was now' instead of 'he now was'.
"The glare of the lamp-light in his eyes and the utter silence with which the figure had landed made it a truly surreal image."~~~~>Perhaps add in two commas; place one after 'eyes' and before 'and', then place the second after 'landed' and before 'made'.
"Ragnas raised his sword in defense, but the shadowy figure made an exotic gesture, there was a murmur, and something shot out of its hand,"~~~>Instead of having that 'but' there (which seems a tad odd as to the events that are occuring) perhaps change it. Ex. 'Ragnas raised his sword in defense as the shadowy figure made an exotic gesture...' Also, the 'there was a murmur' doesn't quite make sense with the rest of the sentence. Perhaps change the wording? Ex. 'then there was a murmur...'
"they were great black things and filled with malice."~~~> I suggest 'that were filled with malice' instead of 'and'.
"The sorceror's dark, lank hair cascaded down from the crown of his head, enveloping his ears beneath the waves and dancing across the back of his neck and intruding into his eyes."~~~>I suggest taking out that last 'and' if possible, and replacing it with a comma, etc, or something of the like.
"But a pained shout came from behind him."~~~>Instead of 'But', try 'Suddenly,' instead. I think it makes a tad more sense, though, of course, this is just my opinion.
"'You die!' - and Brother began to seize"~~~>'seize' doesn't quite make sense. 'Seize'ing is the act of taking hold of someone, which, from what I gather, is not what Brother is doing. More so, he is having spasms, or is shaking, I'd guess--having a seizure. You may want to correct this, if my deduction is right.
"But for his satisfaction at this, he was seething with rage and pain,"~~~>I think you may enjoy starting sentences with 'But' a little too much. Try and fix it if possible, it gets a little repetitive, and in most cases, it doesn't work well with the sentence. Though, I think it may make sense with this sentence if polished up a bit. Ex. 'But for all his satisfaction at this...' (notice the 'all').
"hack through a good deal of the sticking strands that bound him to the floor."~~~>Not sure, but I think 'sticking' should maybe be 'sticky'.
"Arden Mernith was then overcome with a fresh wave of excruciating wave of pain"~~~~>You repeated 'wave of' twice, which is unneeded. Try 'overcome with a fresh wave of excruciating pain' instead.
"He tucked his arm hard against his side and began to cradled it with his undamaged arm."~~~~>Doesn't make sense. I'd like to suggest this: 'He tucked his arm hard against his side, cradling it with his undamaged arm.' or 'He tucked his arm hard against his side and cradled it with his undamged arm.'
Whew! Done with all that now. Now to get to the good part.
I wanted to let you know, this was an absolute JOY to read. It is wonderfully written. I haven't read something as captivating as this in a long while. You use vocabulary which is not too strong, yet, not too simple as well, balancing out your piece and making it intelligent as well as eloquent. The general action in this piece is magnificent, portrayed very realistically. The characters are well developed, and the reader can sympathize with both Brother and Rolandt, as well as abhor the evil Arden. Setting is excellent, you described everything so well and vivedly! There is not much I'd suggest you work on except your tenses, commas, and 'but's in your sentences.
Keep up the wonderful work, I absolutely LOVED this. Hopefully my comments are helpful to you. 
-Neko
P.S. Forgive me for this being so long, but to give credit to this wonderful work, I felt as if I had to give it a complete and thurough review. |
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