This is an excellent and horrific tale. I loved the idea of the dark pixies, and in fact, I wish you had given us some more information about them. It was also unique in that vampires were their enemies. I was especially surprised at the end, when the "human" she had lured turned out to be what she most feared.
Great job! This was a really exciting and well-written tale. Thank you SO much for sharing it! ^-^
-Neko
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Wow. This is a really emotional account of your experience of being bullied in Middle School. I can really relate to this, because all during elementary, middle, and even some of high school, I was bullied myself. Those same thoughts would run through my head... and I'm sure this has happened to many others as well. Thank you so much for bringing this to people's attention. Also, I know it helps to write about it. Kids (as well as adults) can really be cruel sometimes.
One Suggestion:
"The bus driver opened the door with a squeak and I stepped out unto the icy driveway."
"Unto" should perhaps be "onto".
Great job! This was well-written and realistic. I really enjoyed the read.
-Neko
Hmm... this is a rather intriguing poem about allergies. I like your use of alliteration (you did a great job for just experimenting!). Your thoughts on allergies is interesting, especially of paying homage to the "deities of medicine". In a way, this is kind of comical. ^-^
Thank you for sharing! This was a nice read.
-Neko
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This is a really emotional poem, concerning your mother. I can really see the love and concern you have for her, the woman who has taken care of you for your entire life. This was nicely written (though, could use a little polishing) and really touched me as a reader. I like your thoughts at the end, about becoming your mother's mother in another life. I would want that too.
One Suggestion:
"If I happen to born again,"
I think there should be a "be" between "to" and "born".
Thank you so much for sharing this. It was a really beautiful poem.
-Neko
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This is a simply amazing poem. I loved the repetition (again), and your wording really draws the reader in. The pattern you used is fantastic and quite catchy. This is probably one of the best poems I've read on WDC. It's quite unique, and I definitely enjoyed reading it.
Thank you so much for sharing this. You've got amazing talent, and I hope you continue to write and post on WDC. (Welcome to the site, by the way). If you post any more up, let me know. I'd love to read them.
-Neko
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Wow. This poem gave me chills as I was reading it. It almost seemed like a song to me; it was so beautifully written. I liked how you repeated some things throughout the poem, which gave it an eloquent and strong feeling. You wrote this really well, and I believe it is a great tribute to America and its soldiers.
Thank you so much for sharing this breathtaking and emotional poem... you've got some amazing talent.
-Neko
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Wah! This is a hilarious poem. You wrote it in a poetic way, but it still was quite funny. I could almost see you punching your cousin, haha. What did your mom think about this poem?
Great job! You've got a knack for comedy, which I hope you continue with. ^-^ I really enjoyed this poem, it made my day a little brighter. Laughs are great for the soul!
Hi, there. This is a pretty well-written poem. You did an excellent job with the syllables, and it flows pretty well throughout. You adequately portrayed your opinion and feelings to the reader, good job.
Overall, I felt like this poem could use a little work. Some things are phrased oddly (ex. "To rule whole of the world?") and things seem slightly repeated. Other than that though, you did a nice job at getting your point across (which is what the poem was meant to do).
Personally, I don't agree with your view , but I won't let that affect how I review your poem. I think the poem was written all-right and that you kept to your subject admirably! Well done. Thank you so much for sharing this.
This is an amazing poem in memory of 9/11. It's nice to see a poem so peaceful and intent on love, rather than vengeance or in memory of the hurt and loss. You focus on what we all need to be like in order to get over that great tragedy, and to make this world a better place.
Great job, I saw no errors, and I feel that this poem did what it was intended to do. Your words will definitely touch your readers' hearts.
-Neko
Wow, this is a fantastic story. It has a lot of emotional appeal. As a reader, I felt really sorry for the orphan, and throughout your story I was hoping that he would be adopted. He is a very lovable and innocent character that will touch any and all of your readers' hearts. You've told a vivid tale, full of emotion and the pain of a life without a family.
Some Suggestions:
"The front door opened, letting sunshine into the massive foyer. Her heels clicked on the tile floor as she crossed the foyer to the administrative offices." Foyer seems a bit repetitive. Is there another word that could be used instead? (Like hall, or room?). This is just my personal opinion though.
"He looked at her as she walked across the foyer." You already stated previously that she was walking across the foyer. In my opinion, I don't think you need this part (the "as she walked across the foyer").
"She had long, black hair that covered her bright pink shirt. The vibrant shirt made her skin glow." I feel like these two sentences could be combined somehow. Mentioning the shirt twice seems a little odd, and the second sentence is somewhat of an after thought (and seems a bit choppy).
"Jeremy figured if she could match her shoes to her shirt, she must be able to afford a small boy. He was small for his age, barely over three feet." I feel that this is a little repetitive. Instead of saying a "small boy" in the first sentence, maybe you could just say "child" or even only the word "boy". That or use another word besides "small" in the second sentence.
"He knew the orphanage tried to make the boys feel at home, but it wasn't the same as living with a real family." You used the same phrase previously in that paragraph. I'd suggest just taking out "He knew" all together (since it's not really needed).
"He tiptoed to the door of the office, stepping on every other tile to avoid stepping on the white tiles, and peered in through the frosted glass window." Since you already used the word "tiles" and we know what you're talking about, you could easily just substitute the second "tiles" with "ones". Ex. "stepping on every other tile to avoid stepping on the white ones" or "to avoid stepping on the ones that were white". This is just a personal preference of mine though!
"Probably nothing important. Mrs. Swift handled all of the adoptions." These two sentences could easily be combined. Also, the first one is somewhat of a fragment.
General Suggestions: Some of your sentences felt a little choppy. Combining some of your sentences may help this problem. That's generally the only real problem I found (besides the occasional repetition of something the reader had already been told).
Keep in mind, most of my suggestions are my personal opinion, and I make them with the intention to help you. However, this is YOUR story. You know what's best for it, and how you wanted to write it. If you like it the way it is, then keep it the way it is.
Thank you so much for sharing this short story with us all. It is well-written and engaging. I couldn't help but root for the main character; he was so adorable. I really loved it!
-Neko
P.S. I did feel a little dissatisfied with the ending. I felt it didn't really wrap up the whole story, but that's mainly because I wanted to see the kid adopted. Maybe one day you can continue it (and make an ending) for all the fans of this story? ^-^ I'd love to read it, if you ever do. (Even if it doesn't turn out the way I wanted it to!).
Gah! Another amazing poem. This one is very peaceful. It has a nice, calm feel to it that really makes the reader relax. You draw us into the place you are, and at the end, we definitely do not want to leave. You've turned something personal for yourself into something lovely that can be shared by all.
Great job. I couldn't find any errors what-so-ever. ^-^ Very well done.
-Neko
Amazing. This is a absolutely beautiful poem. The imagery was well done as was the flow. At first glance, this is a simple, short poem. But if one takes the time to read it and look deeper into it, they'll find something that is unique and lovely.
Great job. Keep it up! ^-^ Your poetry is amazing.
-Neko
I can tell that this poem has a lot of symbolism for you. Your emotions are clear to the reader and portrayed in a unique manner. This is a haunting, yet lovely poem. The imagery I got from this was amazing.
Great job, this is my favorite poem you have written thus far.
Thanks for the wonderful read and for sharing!
-Neko
Another awesome poem. I like the way you likened weather to thoughts. I can almost see the wind carrying them away. Your words are simple, yet they show a lot of meaning and have a big impact on the reader. The flow is great and the poem is a smooth read. Nicely done. I loved it!
One suggestion: "Toward the South ..."
Maybe make "toward" into "towards". It just sounds a tiny bit better to me. (But it's totally up to you).
Great job. I truly love your poetry. You have a very unique and distinct style of your own. ^-^
-Neko
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This one is definitely something I haven't seen before. You really captured the essence of what happened that day (well, more like week+) of when Katrina hit. This is a somewhat haunting poem. It is well written and has a great flow and rhyme scheme. You did a wonderful job!
Few Suggestions: "As the Wind swept himidly by,"
Should "himidly" be "timidly" (or is it "humidly")? If it's "timidly", you may want to use another word to describe this. My reason for this, is because when the wind was here during hurricane Katrina, it was anything but timid. Maybe choose a stronger sort of word? Even violently would do.
"The Purple magestic, the Purple it's purpose,"
I think "magestic" is probably spelled "majestic". (At least, when I checked an online dictionary it was. XD )
"And whispering of those who're to die..."
I noticed in the first line that instead of "who're" you had "who were". I think that sounds a little better (the "who were" I mean). To make it a little more consistent, you may want to either change the first one, or the last two. (Just a suggestion though, if you like it the way it is, then keep it that way!)
Other than what I mentioned, I think this is great. The poem is a wonderful tribute to that fateful day and all of those who lost their lives in Katrina.
Thank you so much for sharing this! I'm so glad you decided to join WDC.
-Neko
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Wow! Another great poem. This one is really imaginative. It's almost as if you're telling a story. ^-^ You phrase things in a very unique manner. Everything flowed really well, and I didn't see anything you needed to change.
There are a few typo's I noticed (that can be easily fixed). "As I walked along a wooded paith"
The word "paith" should probably be "path".
"Tearing Through to my sould now a Blackened Hole"
The word "sould" should probably be "soul".
This is a wonderful poem. It's an entertaining read, and honestly, I haven't read anything much like it on WDC. ^-^ You are very talented! (P.S. You should have shown me your work sooner, Mom!)
Love always,
-Neko
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What a wonderful poem! I really love the unique structure, it's got a rhythm of its own. From the beginning the poem really drew me in (into that wonderful dark side ). I think it's absolutely perfect. You painted a vivid picture for all to see. ^-^
What a heartbreaking and emotional poem. As a reader, I can really tell that this came from your heart. Everything that you felt when writing this, including all that happened to you, is clear for the reader to see. Your emotions come out strong and clear. This is indeed a depressive piece... but it also shows strength. By strength, I mean that you faced this depression, you wrote about it, you've let others know what you've gone through. You weren't afraid to admit it. Great job, not many can face this reality, nor be strong enough to let others know.
There were a few areas where I felt the poem could be polished up a bit. Also, I know it may be your preference to use "&", but it may be better to use the actual word "and" instead. Remember though, this is just my opinion. ^-^ If you like it how it is, then keep it how it is. Don't force anything.
On a side note: I was thinking you should maybe change the title to something more fitting. Or is there a reason the title is as it is? (It seemed just like you put in some random letters, which is why I'm suggesting you change it.)
This is a breathtakingly emotional poem. You did a wonderful job with it. I know it's hard to speak about your emotions like that, but sometimes in the long-run it helps. I hope that you're doing better now. ^-^ If you ever need someone to talk to, everyone on WDC is really supportive, so just ask around. (You can even ask me if you want to!)
Thanks so much for sharing. Your poetry is raw and deep! Keep it up.
-Neko
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Wow! What a beautiful poem. Your love can be seen clearly, and you've expressed it so well. Everything flowed consistently and I couldn't find any errors. You've got a lovely poem here, so full of emotion that the reader can almost feel it. You can tell that it's special. The depth of your feelings is described quite well with such simple words and phrases. This makes for an easily understood, but very deep and emotional, poem.
Great job, I really loved it. You've got a way with words! (And lots of talent for poetry.) ^-^ Thank you so much for sharing this.
-Neko
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This was a truly emotional read. You really show your readers exactly what you were feelings. Everything is well written. Also, many of your readers can definitely relate to the subject of this poem. Great job, I think you did a fantastic job of showing your emotions and feelings. Many of your thoughts and feelings in this prose were quite interesting to read. It almost felt as if I were the one having these feelings.
One suggestion:"Deliver them to me as I slumber, so I have known happiness for a brief moment before the darkness takes me and pushes me off balance."
Might I suggest, that you change the bolded area to "so I will have known"? I think it makes a bit more sense in this context. (This is just my opinion though!)
Thanks for the intriguing read. You've done a fantastic job!
-Neko
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Wow, what a chilling nightmare! To have something like this reoccur over and over, for 25 years... I would probably have a heart attack at some point. You've done a great job at building up suspense. I like how the read sounds frantic at moments, yet calm at others (just as how the speaker is feeling, I'm sure).
Your descriptions of what is going on is great. You don't tell us overly much, just enough to keep us on the edge of our seats. When you tell us about the impact, it almost feels as if it is happening to the reader. This is fantastically well written.
There are a few areas where things are worded a little bit oddly.
One major example of this are these two sentences....
"I try to loosen my grip and widen the distance between my two hands on the wheel. To no avail, they're glued to the wheel, white-knuckling it closer and closer."
"To no avail" seemed like it should have been a continuation of the previous sentence. In other words, it was a kind of odd sentence starter. (Keep it if you like it though. This is just my opinion!)
Thank you so much for sharing this terrifying nightmare with us! You did a great job in portraying how you felt to the readers. ^-^
-Neko
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This is simply amazing. Your argument is clear and your determination to let others know of this horror is strong. I don't think I've ever read such a convincing or informative essay. The villainous acts the humans have committed throughout the ages against animals (and humans too) is definitely a topic many would be interested in. I felt that you accurately showed your opinion as well as the opinion of others. You gave a voice to all of those abused, something which they dearly needed.
One thing you may want to fix:
"The resulting conclusion is frightening it its potential accuracy"
I think that the first "it" should probably be "in"?
and....
"Isn't it our job as a society to take their ladles away, for good."
I think that maybe, since this is a question, you should have a question mark instead of a period.
This was a breathtaking read. You have a way with words and your argument was sound. Great job, you are a fantastic writer.
-Neko
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Wow! This was very nice of you to make an editorial on the site. I found it to be really interesting and quite a read. I agree with you as well, this site is fantastic, and though I don't know much about creating websites, this has by far been one of the most content filled that I've visited.
Thank you so much for sharing this with the community.
-Neko
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Very neat! I thought it was cool how you described the process of getting ready for Hitsugi (before the examination). I can't wait to see how Hikari is fairing, and what exactly the examination will consist of. You've got a great story so far. Also, your writing is steadily improving, keep it up!
Great job, it's unique and interesting! When the next part comes out let me know. I'll take a look at it.
-Neko
Hey there again! I just had to keep on reading. I'm going to leave out a bunch of the edits, because it's just stuff I've previously mentioned. Anyhow, this is another nice addition to your story. I was a little disappointed that the demon wasn't exactly handsome, but hey, you went away from the norm, which is great! You described the demon very well and his personality really comes through. Things seem to be getting a bit more complicated for Hikari, now that she has a big demon at her side (ironic since she wanted a small cute one!). I can tell that this story is going in the right direction. You're also improving as it goes on, great job!
I'm really enjoying the story so far, thank you for sharing! I can't wait to see what happens next.
-Neko
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It was also unique in that vampires were their enemies. I was especially surprised at the end, when the "human" she had lured turned out to be what she most feared.
Thank you SO much for sharing it! ^-^
You've got amazing talent, and I hope you continue to write and post on WDC. (Welcome to the site, by the way). If you post any more up, let me know. I'd love to read them.
, but I won't let that affect how I review your poem. I think the poem was written all-right and that you kept to your subject admirably! Well done. Thank you so much for sharing this.
). I think it's absolutely perfect. You painted a vivid picture for all to see. ^-^