Neko ♥ Away's (ketsuekineko) Reviews

Neko ♥ Away

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807 Public Reviews Given

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151

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#2791069

Review of Reflections of a Counter Waiter

Review by Neko ♥ Away

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Hello! I'm here to give you~

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Wow! This is a fantastic poem. I haven't read one quite like it here on WDC. I can almost see everything taking place... and the way the waiter muses on his surroundings is quite interesting. I loved the added parts in parenthesis. I've never been one to do that myself, but it worked wonderfully for your poem. The last stanza was by far my favorite, because it summed up the entire poem's message and theme. I didn't see any errors and I thought that it was well written. Splendid job!

I absolutely adored your poem. Thank you so much for sharing it! I'm amazed it you thought it up from a painting.

-Neko

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#2791057

Review of Lucy's Story

Review by Neko ♥ Away

Rated: 13+

| (4.5)

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This is a really interesting story. I adore Lucy's character. I think you've done a great job at developing her personality for the reader to see. Her actions have become familiar, as well as her thoughts and feelings. I'm not so sure I like Peter much, since he snitched to everyone about Lucy's story... but hey, he probably just likes her, right?

Anyhow... I felt the "small town" thing was done very tastefully. You did a great job at constructing your sentences, though there are a few places that need work. You especially need to re-read and make sure your punctuation is correct, because I noticed a lot of missing comma's, etc. Other than that though, I think your story is developing nicely and I'd love to read more.

Suggestions:

The smile lines and sunspots gave him the impression that he was a hard-working, but happy.
The sentence seems to be incomplete. I think you forgot to add a "man" at the end, right after "happy".

Lucy realized that this was one of the few promises she that had been told to her that would actually be true.
I think that "she" was a typo. It's not needed, so I'd remove it.

Upon arriving at the quaint cabin-looking house, after traveling up a long gravel driveway surrounded by farmland, Lucy's grand mammy welcomed her with a warm hug.
I'd rephrase this entire sentence, because having "Upon" and then "After" made the sentence sound awkward. Here's what I'd do: "After traveling up a long gravel driveway, surrounded by farmland, they arrived at a quaint cabin-looking house." Then I'd make the part in bold a separate sentence, because as it is now it is a comma splice. (Comma splices are tough to deal with, look out for them. I know I always have trouble with them.

)

"Yeah, most people are trying to escape from here rather than to here."
This bit on the end seemed awkward. I'd probably change it to something else. My suggestion would be "than come here".

The next day, Lucy got to get som essentials from "town".
I think this may be a typo. It should probably be "some".

She went into the grocery and went up to the girl at the counter and before she could check out the girl asked, "So you're the new girl. I've heard so much about you!"
This is a rather long sentence. I'd make it into two. Ex. "She went into the grocery, then went up to the girl at the counter. Before she could check out, the girl asked...." I think it sounds a little less rushed like this.

"Yeah, you're right I already knew that. I also know that you lived in St. Louis before this and that you came here to get away from my mom"
The text in bold implies that Lucy was trying to get away from Sandra's mom. I think you meant to put "your mom". Or, if Sandra was quoting, I'd suggest this: "...that you came here to get away from 'my mom'" (You need those ' to show she's quoting someone).

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't.

Thank you so much for sharing this! I really enjoyed the read and I think you've got a lot of talent. ^-^ By the way, I noticed you're a little new to WDC, so welcome! I hope you like it here.
-Neko

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#2791050

Review of Rejoicing In Pain

Review by Neko ♥ Away

Rated: 18+

| (4.5)

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Very nicely done. This is really short piece of prose, but powerful nonetheless. Each sentence builds up on the subject, that of torture and pain... and enjoying it. I could definitely see its link to lost love. You constructed this really well and I felt that it really draws the reader in. I couldn't help but keep reading it, right after the first few sentences. It was addicting, just as the pain was for your speaker. The only area that I felt needed some work was these sentences: "How often she visits her treasure chest of wounds in those darkest hours of morning. How often she takes out a "pearl" or a "gem" and examines it." For some reason, these two sentences just didn't make sense to me. I think it's how you're starting them. The "How often" seemed like a question to me, but the sentence itself is not a question. I'd take both of the "How often"s and add in something else instead. Great job otherwise. Everything ready easily and wasn't awkward at all. This was well written, and I enjoyed reading about your comparison of lost love and the pain that goes with it.

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't.

Thank you so much for sharing! This was a chilling, yet intriguing read. Your comparison was well done and made total sense.

Wonderful job! Keep it up.
-Neko

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#2791044

Review of Becoming

Review by Neko ♥ Away

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

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This is a very nice short story so far. I loved the idea of a vampire seeking her lover, very cool. She seems to be pretty desperate, but choosy about her meal/lover. If possible, I think that both the man and the vampire (girl) could be described a little more. We're told what the vampire is wearing, but we know nothing of her physical description (this includes the man, but I don't think you even told us what he was wearing). I want to be able to picture them a little more clearly, so if you could add some more detail that would be wonderful!

Also, I noticed you start a lot of your sentences with "She" and "Her" and "He", etc... it's not a totally bad thing, but I think it needs a little more variety. It gets a little repetitive. I know it's hard to stray from "She" and "He" (it's one of my biggest problems too), but usually it makes for a better read if you can fix it up.

Some of your sentences seemed a little choppy. To alleviate this, I'd suggest linking some of your sentences together via a conjunction or comma or something. (Try not to create comma splices though; they're evil).

Other than what I mentioned, I truly enjoyed this short story. It just needs some more detail (even on the room and such. So you can give the reader a clearer image), and a little polishing.

Suggestions:

He slides her hands over the leather and pulls her tighter to him still.
Is he forcefully sliding her hands over her leather? Or is it supposed to be "his" instead of "her"? I assumed it was just a typo.

"There will time for that later,"
I think there may need to be a "be" between the two words I put in bold. Ex. "There will be time for that later".

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't.

Thank you so much for sharing this! I really enjoyed reading it. If you would like me to re-rate or re-review after you edit, please let me know. I really wanted to give this a 4 or more, but the things I pointed out kept me from doing so.

So PLEASE let me know if you edit. I'd be happy to re-rate. If you need any help with anything, let me know also.

By the way, welcome to WDC! I hope you enjoy it here.

-Neko

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#2791041

Review of A Piece That Won't Fit

Review by Neko ♥ Away

Rated: E

| (5.0)

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Amazing. You definitely summed up something we should all know. Everyone is different, and everyone is unique. That is the way it should be. We need to love ourselves for who and what we are and where we are. If you can instantly become what you want to be, doesn't that defeat the purpose of making yourself better, or striving for some sort of goal? You'll never have satisfaction or achievement if you can just instantly make something happen. The message in this poem is clear and true. And I couldn't have said it better myself.

Thank you for sharing this. I sincerely hope that the other members of WDC will read this and take it to heart. This is something everyone should read, especially if they themselves ever wish to be like "someone" else.
-Neko

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#2790807

Review of Waiting For My Daughter

Review by Neko ♥ Away

Rated: E

| (5.0)

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Oh, wow. I'm almost at a loss for words.... this is such a heartbreaking story. Mid way I was almost crying myself. You told this in a realistic fashion and you've opened your readers eyes to the harsh reality of Alzheimer's. My grandmother had this same disease, but my parents would not let me around her because of that. It is devastating and your story truly shows that. I hope that I never have to go through this with my parents, but if I do, I hope that I will be able to take it as bravely as Carrie did. This was really well written and I didn't see any errors.

Thank you SO much for sharing this. I don't think I've read a more heartbreaking story here on WDC. You have true talent and I hope you continue to write such touching stories.
-Neko

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#2789729

Review of Dear Friend,

Review by Neko ♥ Away

Rated: E

| (5.0)

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This is a very nice portrayal of what any addiction can be like to the addicted. You've come up with a powerful example of this occurrence and a message to all who are addicted. I love how the speaker of this poem is the addiction, that's very unique and it makes the poem more interesting.

Suggestions:

Brake you
I think "Brake" should be "Break".

Your live,
"Live" should probably be "life".

I've surrounded you by a great white fog.
I'd change "by" into "in", but that's just my personal preference!

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't.

Great job, this is truly a masterpiece in the making!

Just fix up a few of those errors and it'll be perfect. Thanks for sharing!
-Neko

P.S. I gave you a 5 despite the errors, because I felt that this was a well written and wonderful poem.

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#2789606

Review of A True Southern Gentleman

Review by Neko ♥ Away

Rated: E

| (5.0)

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Another great essay.

In this piece, everyone can see exactly what sort of person your husband is. We can also see how much you love him. Being a southerner myself, I found this essay particularly interesting because it is of a "Southern Gentleman". I must say, not everyone is, but you did a great job of describing one.

Your husband definitely exemplifies this phrase.

Suggestions:

over and lead me to the State of Georgia
I'm not totally sure, but I think "lead" should maybe be "led".

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't.

Thanks so much for sharing this, and congratulations on getting it published!

You've got an amazing writing style, so I'm definitely not surprised. ^-^
-Neko

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#2788981

Review of untitled

Review by Neko ♥ Away

Rated: E

| (4.5)

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Wow! This is a very deep poem. I really liked your repetition of the first and third line endings, it totally tied the poem together.

This had a nice, melodic feel to it throughout. The last stanza, on hope, helped to lighten up the poem a little bit, but didn't take away from the rest of the poem at all.

I would possibly consider revising the last stanza... not particularly on content, but instead on pattern/flow/rhyme usage. The previous stanza's seemed to flow a lot better than the last one. However, it still works as it is; so please keep it that way if you prefer it!

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't.

Thank you for the nice read. You've got a lot of talent! ^-^
-Neko

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#2788978

Review of Bald Eagle Admiration

Review by Neko ♥ Away

Rated: E

| (4.0)

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This is a really nice poem about your feelings and admiration for the Bald Eagles. I think you did a great job at showing us, the readers, your feelings. However, I also felt you could have elaborated just a little more. The poem is very short, which isn't a bad thing, but I felt that you didn't get everything across.

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story/poem, so if you don't want to change it then don't.

Nice job, I liked it! ^-^ You've got some great stuff here. Thank you so much for sharing this with me!

-Neko

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#2785103

Review of Seasons Come and Seasons Go

Review by Neko ♥ Away

Rated: E

| (4.0)

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Very neat.

The title fits perfectly with the content. This is really well written, and the emotions the speaker feels are adequately portrayed. You had a lot of good imagery throughout this piece, and it seemed realistic. The last paragraph was my favorite.

Suggestions:

A day for playing outdoors and treasuring the warmth of the sun, as Summer made her way into our lives.
You previously told us it was the first day of Summer. Because of that, I feel that the section in bold is a little redundant. I'd suggest removing it.

Cool enough to almost quench your thirst, but leaving just enough warmth that you contemplated taking off your long sleeve shirt and continuing on in your tank top.
The switch to 2nd person in this, wasn't bad at first... but when it continued into such specifics, it got a little odd for me. I'd probably rephrase this or take out the 2nd person (or the specifics of it).

Looking back over the surrounding valley offered a beautiful view. Peace and serenity were all you could feel when taking in this view.
I'd suggest taking out one of these views, and putting a different word.

As it grew closer it filled all space behind it, becoming darker as it made it's approach.
"It's" should probably be "its".

It brought with it a moan that increased to a shriek then a wail.
I'd add a comma or two in this sentence, because it seems a little run-on(ish).

My eyes were just open with a squint for I couldn't see with the wind blowing it's wrath at me anyway.
"It's" should probably be "its".

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story, so if you don't want to change it then don't.

Thanks for sharing this stormy story with me!

It was a great, exciting read.

-Neko

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#2785046

Review of I Was A Tiger

Review by Neko ♥ Away

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

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I've never seen a poem on this topic before, so this is a first for me. I am aware of that tragedy, however, so this poem left a big impression on me. You wrote this poem in a way that shows neither the tiger, or the man, was truly at fault. It's always hard to look at both sides, so I'm glad you did that, and you accomplished it perfectly.

Suggestions:

I can't think of anything that would make this poem better. (Though, that doesn't mean there isn't anything).

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story, so if you don't want to change it then don't.

Thank you so much for sharing this emotional and eye-opening piece of poetry. You portrayed everything in a fantastic manner that really catches the readers attention.

Great job, I absolutely loved the poem.

-Neko

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#2784087

Review of Poolside Embarrassment

Review by Neko ♥ Away

Rated: 18+

| (5.0)

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Diane, this is a hilarious story. I've known quite a few people who had this same thing happen to them. ^-^ You totally did the moment justice, and I'm surprised you didn't freak out when it happened. I probably would have left the area after that. Your writing style is practically flawless and really engages the reader.

Suggestions:

Friends began arriving at the pool after lunch and urging me to join them in the water.
I'd like to suggest you add a "were" between "and" and "urging". The way the sentence is now, it reads somewhat awkwardly. I think the addition of "were" would complete the sentence.

Please note, any suggestions I make are solely my opinion. This is your story, so if you don't want to change it then don't.

Thank you so much for the wonderful, comical, and honest read. I really enjoyed it!

-Neko

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#2783454

Review of With Liberty and Stuff for All

Review by Neko ♥ Away

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Greetings! Thank you for sharing your story with me at my Review forum:

Invalid Item

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#1263516 by Not Available.

I apologize for the wait! Now onto the review~.

~~

I really enjoyed this essay.

All you had to say was interesting and I adored the way you tied in Dr. Seuss with it all. You did a great job of grabbing the readers attention, keeping it, and informing them of your opinion. Splendid! There wasn't anything I could see that really needed improvement (though, that doesn't mean there ISN'T anything!).

~~

Thanks for the wonderful read, keep it up!
-Neko

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#2783436

Review of Behind The Pages

Review by Neko ♥ Away

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Greetings! Thank you for sharing your story with me at my Review forum:

Invalid Item

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#1263516 by Not Available.

I apologize for the wait! Now onto the review~.

~~

Wow! Very nice. I hadn't guessed the story would end as it did.

That was a cool twist. Anyhow, let's go back to the beginning... there are a few fragment sentences, and I felt that you should have explained why the professor believed the book contained evil spirits. What was his real proof? Had he read of it somewhere? I think you either need to add more detail on his evidence, or construct some more days to add on. Great job otherwise.

It was interesting right from the start.

~~

Thanks for the wonderful read, keep it up!
-Neko

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#2783426

Review of Untitled [For now]

Review by Neko ♥ Away

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Greetings! Thank you for sharing your story with me at my Review forum:

Invalid Item

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#1263516 by Not Available.

I apologize for the wait! Now onto the review~.

~~

This is a very nice story you've got going here so far. Your descriptions of actions and surroundings are very nice. Dialogue is great as is your writing style in general. Sometimes you have a few redundant words, or a run-on/comma splice, but other than that you've got a pretty solid story.

There is something major that bugged me while reading your work, however. Have you read the Anita Blake series or Merry Gentry series by Laurell K. Hamilton? I'm figuring you have. A lot of the phrases you used sounded very familiar... and your over all style seemed to imitate Hamilton's. I know that sometimes another author can influence your work, however, try not to use it overly much. You need to make something that is all your own.

By the way, if you have no clue about Laurell, and it's just a coincidence, I apologize (but again, it is very familiar).

Great job otherwise. ^-^

~~

Thanks for the wonderful read, keep it up!
-Neko

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#2783404

Review of Deception from Perception

Review by Neko ♥ Away

Rated: E

| (4.0)

Greetings! Thank you for sharing your poem with me at my Review forum:

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I apologize for the wait! Now onto the review~.

~~

This is a very intriguing poem. It is definitely thought provoking, though, at times it is a bit of a tongue twister as well (which just adds to its charm). I really enjoyed all that you had to say, it was unique and well thought out. ^-^ There are some points where you poem loses flow... especially these lines
~>"In a place where they will be shown the other face of deception....
they will try to replace their case with any phrase."

~~

Thanks for the wonderful read, keep it up!
-Neko

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#2783366

Review of Abstract Blue

Review by Neko ♥ Away

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Greetings! Thank you for sharing your story with me at my Review forum:

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I apologize for the wait! Now onto the review~.

~~

Wow, this is a simply fantastic story. I really loved the theme on racism and unity, great job. I have never been to Malaysia myself, but this story really made me want to visit it. I felt so bad for Alena, and I'm glad that in the end she found a place where she belonged.

One fix up: When you first describe Chen, you say "a Chinese young man"... I think it would be better as "a young Chinese man".

Just a suggestion!

~~

Thanks for the wonderful read, keep it up!
-Neko

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#2783353

Review of An Irish Affair Ch1

Review by Neko ♥ Away

Rated: 18+

| (3.5)

Greetings! Thank you for sharing your story with me at my Review forum:

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I apologize for the wait! Now onto the review~.

~~

This is a very nice first chapter to your story. You've got some great stuff here, and I especially liked how realistic your characters were. There are a few things I think you need to work on. First, "Mr's" should be "Mrs." I think.... also there are two groups with the last name "Williams" which could be confusing. Those two groups are Mrs. Williams (and her son) and Robert Williams. There's a couple of fragment sentences. On the topic of emotion, I felt like David's mother and brother should have shown their grief a bit more. And one more thing... I felt the brothers name, as well as description (for him, his mom, and brother), should have been mentioned somewhere in the story.

Other than what I mentioned, I thought this was pretty well done. It just needs some more polishing and imagery.

~~

Thanks for the wonderful read, keep it up!
-Neko

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#2783326

Review of Operation: T.A.M.I.N.G.- Part 2

Review by Neko ♥ Away

Rated: ASR

| (5.0)

Greetings! Thank you for sharing your story with me at my Review forum:

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~~

Woo! So sorry I'm so late in reviewing this. Anyhow, I'd like to tell you that this was a total success.

You did a fabulous job at making ALL of your characters seem real. The plot was great and I absolutely adored Laura. Your descriptions are fantastic and your writing style is easy to read. ^-^ I can't think of anything to improve upon (though, that doesn't mean there ISN'T anything).

~~

Thanks for the wonderful read, keep it up!
-Neko

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#2783263

Review of Even in Dreams

Review by Neko ♥ Away

Rated: E

| (5.0)

Greetings! Thank you for sharing your poem with me at my Review forum:

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~~

This is a really beautiful poem. The love shared between the speaker and the person he/she is speaking to is evident. You clearly describe the speaker's feelings to the reader with this wonderful poem. I like how you have that question in there, about it being a dream.

The last two lines were certainly my favorites, but the entire poem was great and never lost flow or interest. Great job! I really enjoyed it.

~~

Thanks for the wonderful read, keep it up!
-Neko

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#2783085

Review of Seasons(') End: Winter [a]

Review by Neko ♥ Away

Rated: 18+

| (4.0)

Greetings! Thank you for sharing your story with me at my Review forum:

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~~

Impression: A tale of the ending... a girls love for her father's stories. Generally well-written.

Spelling: Perfectly fine.

Grammar: No problems that I remember.

Punctuation: Fine as well~!

Sentence Structure: I thought you did a nice job with your sentence structure. I wouldn't change much about it.

Plot: Hmm... very unique. I haven't really read something like this before. I love the story-like quality of it.

Characters: I think your characters are what needs the most work. The dad is absolutely fine, but it is the child I have a problem with. How old is she? What are their names/descriptions? Also, it feels like the girl is using bigger words than she should be, and understanding WAY more than a normal child would.

Overall: Generally, this was a good read. I loved the format. The story told by the father is very interesting and fantastical.

It kept me reading.

~~

Thanks for the wonderful read, keep it up!
-Neko

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#2783060

Review of Chapter One

Review by Neko ♥ Away

Rated: 13+

| (4.0)

Greetings! Thank you for sharing your story with me at my Review forum:

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I apologize for the wait! Now onto the review~.

~~

Impression: A diary about a girls daily life. Nicely written and easy to understand.

Spelling: You did fine with spelling.

Grammar: Nice job here. There was a few areas where I felt you may have been out of tense, but otherwise everything was alright.

Punctuation: Great job.

No errors.

Sentence Structure: Sometimes I felt you used "I" as a sentence starter a bit too much. You also had some redundant words or phrases.

Plot: I liked it. This is a nice, realistic story. The fact that it's in diary format is unique and engaging for the reader.

Characters: Brianna's personality could have been a little more visible. I felt as if I was just barely seeing the surface of what she was really like. Also, at times she contradicted herself.

Overall: Nicely written.

I'd love to read more about Brianna. I also liked the side addition of her and her friend getting closer. Let me know if you have some more about her.

~~

Thanks for the wonderful read, keep it up!
-Neko

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#2782552

Review of Darkness

Review by Neko ♥ Away

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Hello! I'm here to give you~

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Beautiful. Even though this is a somewhat dark poem, I still found it to be lovely. You phrased everything very well, and your comparisons of darkness were excellent. I never would have come up with them myself, even though on the surface they seem simple. I especially liked the last two lines, they really tied everything together.

Thank you for the wonderful read. This was well-written and the flow was consistent.

Keep it up! I loved it.

-Neko

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#2782423

Review of The Dream

Review by Neko ♥ Away

Rated: 13+

| (5.0)

Hello! I'm here to give you~

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This was a really emotional and beautiful story. The dream itself would frighten any mother; it's probably every parents worst nightmare. The fact that this dream helped Carrie save her child was fantastic. The story has a lot of emotional appeal for the reader.

Great job! I really loved the story, and it was well-written. ^-^ Thank you so much for sharing.

-Neko

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