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807 Public Reviews Given
1,068 Total Reviews Given
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Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*Blush* Hello! I'm here to give you~

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*Star**Note**Star*
My View
A great edition to the first part of your story. Your writing improves greatly as well. I love the story line so far, and can't wait to find out who the mysterious guy is. *Smile* He seems quite interesting! Your characters are believable (and, as I said before, very real feeling). I think the only problem you really have is sentence structure and some other writing technicalities.


Errors

*Bullet*"Hikari fell to her knees and rummaged to her bag."
"to" should be "through" I think.

*Bullet*"She said in a panicked voice as she ripped out a small pink phone, littered with fake jewels and a charms, flipping it open, she looked at the missed call notice and the time."
I'd suggest taking out that "a". Also, maybe start a new sentence with "Flipping".

*Bullet*"Hikari muttered, rubbing her face, standing up."
Try saying this aloud, doesn't it sound a bit awkward? I'd suggest rephrasing so it's not so choppy. Ex. "Hikari muttered while rubbing her face as she stood up." (something like that)

*Bullet*I noticed some misspellings, grammatical errors, etc. Try re-reading the story (but not in the edit screen, it's usually best to read it either printed out or on the public view).

*Bullet*You've got some of the same errors/problems I noted in the previous chapter, try to fix them if possible.

*Star**Note**Star*

Great job! You improved quite a bit. *Smile* Again, you just need to polish up on some things. As for the story itself, it is very interesting thus far and I can't wait to see where it goes next! Thanks for sharing.

Keep it up!
-Neko
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Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
*Blush* Hello! I'm here to give you~

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*Star**Note**Star*

What I thought!
This is an intriguing beginning for your story. I liked the descriptions you gave as well as the dialogue between the characters, it's very real. The characters themselves were well portrayed and the names weren't confusing at all. Their personalities were also very nicely done. This definitely made me want to read more. *Smile* You just need to polish it up a bit!

Things needing fixing!
*Bullet*"The 11 o'clock morning sun shone through a set of cheap plastic blinds brightly upon the corner of a dark, on the floor, a girl, obviously sleeping."

Notice the text in bold? This section doesn't make sense. The corner of a dark what? A dark girl? Also, since the light is shining on this corner, it shouldn't be dark anymore. I'd suggest rephrasing... Ex. "upon the corner of a floor, where a girl was obviously sleeping". (Something like that)


*Bullet*"Her eyes flickered as flashes of the night before flashed through the sleeping mind of the girl."

You used the general word "flash" twice here... try not to do that, as it makes for a poor sentence. You also don't need to add in "the girl" since you say "her" at the beginning of the sentence. You could always say... "Her eyes flickered as the events from the night before flashed through her sleeping mind."


*Bullet*"A few people dressed in similar uniforms sitting, cross legged on the flood, faint light coming from a few cheap white candles scattered around the dark room."

I noticed that in this sentence you switch the tense. Try to be consistent. "sitting" should probably be "sat" to coincide with the previous tense. "Flood" should be "floor". "Coming" should be "came". I can see that you're trying to show that the people don't have much money, however, this is the second time you used "cheap" to describe something in only a few lines. I'd suggest changing it to something else. Also, I'd like to suggest you separate this into two sentences, because the part about the candles seems like it was tacked on there (and has nothing to do with them sitting).


*Bullet*I'm just going to get a bit general now, because I'm sure you don't want me copying/pasting a ton of stuff! I noticed that a lot of your sentences seem incomplete. You also have a lot of comma splices.


*Bullet*"Don't waste our time with this Hikari, first you try and summon a Lake Gremlin."

I had to point this out, since it's not really a general error. You randomly mention the Lake Gremlin, but in a way that doesn't quite make sense. Is the boy telling her she needs to summon the Lake Gremlin before "wasting their time with this"? I assume though, that she'd previously tried to summon a Lake Gremlin and failed. You may want to clarify this and make the sentence a bit more polished.


*Bullet*"Hikari stared down at the book and started reading the words in her mind, she licked her lips and started to read."

You mentioned starting to read the book twice. I'd suggest rephrasing this/rewriting it. Ex. "Hikari stared down at the book and licked her lips as she started to read." You don't need to clarify words, since what else would you read in a book? Also, when you read to yourself, you normally read it "in your mind" so you also don't have to clarify that.


*Bullet*Try not to say things twice.


*Bullet*Keep it simple, you don't have to specify things so much. (Unless you're describing something the reader needs to know, or that the reader can't realize on their own).

*Star**Note**Star*

In general!
Nicely done. The story is great so far and is very interesting. This somewhat reminds of a manga, especially since the names you chose seem to be of Japanese origin. Great job! This has a TON of potential, you just need to polish it up a little. *Smile* Try and study up on sentence structure/comma placement/ and tenses. I think it'll help a lot.

Keep it up, you've definitely got something here!
-Neko
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Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
*Blush* Hello! I'm here to give you~

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*Star**Note**Star*

What a lovely poem this is! I can tell that you had fun writing this, because I definitely had fun reading this. It had a nice peaceful yet fun feeling to it throughout its entirety. The flow was great and the structure/form you used was quite nice. Your home really sounded like a little piece of heaven. *Smile* I wouldn't mind joining you there, haha.

*Star**Note**Star*

Thank you for sharing such a sweet and peaceful poem! I really enjoyed reading it.
-Neko
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Review of PAULA  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a nice spiritual poem. I hope your niece appreciated it. *Smile* I can tell that you care a great deal for her, and that you are indeed a believer of God. You show a lot of your own opinion in here without being too forceful with your niece, in fact you're more of asking her to try and put her trust in God.

Great job, the only things that seemed a little odd, is the placing of "Paula, there is" (which is all the way on the right, away from everything else) and a period in between the 3rd and 4th stanza. I'm not sure if that's intentional or not, but I just thought I'd let you know. ^-^

Have a great day, and many blessings to you!
-Neko
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Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: E | (5.0)
Absolutely perfect, yet again! So this is what started it all, eh? *Smile* I'm so glad it did, for you have such a talent for this type of poetry. This really got me thinking, great job. As for the poem itself, the structure, flow, and theme was nice. I wouldn't change anything. ^-^

Keep it up, I adore your poetry.
-Neko

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Review of Common Rose  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: E | (5.0)
I like this a lot. Your thoughts on "roses" is very intriguing. I especially liked the last line "But you immortalised rose, are diminished, show your true colour next bloom." (Note: I think "immortalised" should perhaps be "immortalized".) You could compare what you're saying in this poem to a great number of things. Especially the wanting of that "innocent red". *Smile* I think you did a great job with this, and it got me thinking a bit about the other things in our society which are like those "roses" that are "immortalized".

Great job, loved it.
-Neko
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Review of love is pain  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is a very emotional poem. Your mom was no doubt in some emotional pain when she wrote this (I mean no offense, by the way. Everyone goes through a time of depression). I think she truly described those feelings many of us feel when something like that happens to us. It's well written throughout, and the flow is good (except for maybe the line with "vein" in it, since it doesn't quite follow the pattern. I don't think it's a big deal though).

I'd probably edit it a bit for your mom though. Maybe cap the "i"s and spell out the "u"s. That's totally up to you though, I know some poets prefer having some freedom in those matters.

Tell your mom she has a beautiful yet sad poem here. *Smile* And wish her well for me, will you?
-Neko
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Review of False Prophets  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Perfect. You sure said it better than I ever could. *Smile* The poem itself flows very well, and the subject matter is interesting. I like the structure you used, it fits well. The last four lines are my favorite. I wouldn't change a thing! You adequately described your feelings to the reader (and I'm sure a lot of people agree with you).

Keep it up, you've got a lot of talent.
-Neko

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Anyone interested in poetry is welcome to join! Click the image if you want to take a peek.(These signatures are made by me)

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Do you like to help out others around WDC? Well The Angel Army is the place for you!
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Review of 2 Haikus  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: E | (5.0)
"Not terribly great"? Definitely not true. I myself haven't written too many haiku's, but I really loved reading yours. I think they are both very deep and well-written. The reader can see what you're talking about. *Smile* I especially like the first one, because I'm sure many of us have felt that way before.

Great job, I'd say they're perfect.
-Neko
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Review of Longing to Cry  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: E | (3.5)
This a very uniquely written and nicely done poem. I really liked the subject of this poem, which was about not being able to cry in front of others. Everyone knows how this feels, to some extent. My favorite line was "Please someone, just help me cry..."

The flow was kind of off in the beginning, since you start out in something like a free-verse, but then continue to rhyme in the rest of the poem. At the end of two consecutive lines, you used the rhyme of "it" (it rhyming with it again). This is very awkward and causes the reader to have to re-read those lines. It's best not to use the same word twice in such short succession. You also used a lot of the same phrases more than once, but this isn't that big of a problem. Remember though, this is YOUR poem, and if you like it the way it is, then don't change a thing. *Smile*

Other than what I mentioned, I found this to be a wonderful poem. I'm grateful for the read, and I hope you continue writing more poetry.

Thanks!
-Neko
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Review of The Last Beat  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a nice, simple poem. In a way, it almost sounds somewhat like a riddle. The only stanza that did not fit (to me) was the third stanza. The part that seemed awkward was "but you returned it back to me"... it felt a little confusing, since I thought it was the heart speaking. Why would the heart call itself "it"? And then you added in that "me" which I assume referred to yourself as a person. That seemed a little out of place, and if possible, you may want to fix it. However, this is YOUR poem. *Smile* If you like it the way it is, then keep it how it is.

Great job otherwise, except for a little loss of flow on the last stanza (but I'm not picky about that, in fact, I like it. I'm just pointing it out in case you want to change it). I really enjoyed the poem, and the emotions you felt are portrayed well in such a short poem.

-Neko
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Review of Winter  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: E | (5.0)
Very nice haiku, Dave! ^-^ This really paints a picture of winter. I especially liked your addition of the snowman, because everyone usually associates snowmen with the winter time. This goes for the smoke from the chimney as well, because I myself always think of huddling around the fireplace when it's cold.

*Smile* Loved it!
*Heart*Neko
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Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a very well written free verse poem. *Smile* You captured the essence of what it can be like for those with schizophrenia. The structure is good and everything seems to flow well except for very few areas. I felt that it could have been a little more descriptive (or a bit longer), but that is only my opinion. Very nice otherwise.

I loved it, great job! Keep it up.
-Neko
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Review of The Five Senses  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hmmm, a bit different than your other poetry, I see. *Smile* I think you did a nice job with it, especially in your explanation of why you couldn't get out before. There is one thing that stuck out as odd to me. In the title, it says five senses, however, I only counted four. The one that I think you are missing is "hearing" something. It's missing from both the detail after your release and in the last line where you name them all. Great job otherwise, very well done.

Keep it up! *Smile*
-Neko
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Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is an absolutely perfect poem! Very cute and funny. *Smile* It brought a smile to my face as I was reading it. All of these things you named (the rules) are common and most people will recognize them, great job! The format is also quite fun and unique. *Wink*

Keep it up, this was a wonderful read!
-Neko
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Review of Memories  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: E | (4.5)
This a very nice and unique poem. I like the structure used and the simplicity yet deep meaning within the poems content.

Great job, you captured your childhood memories perfectly and portrayed them to the reader quite well.

Keep it up! You have a talent for poetry.
-Neko
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Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: E | (4.0)
Gyah! Very nicely done. You put in a lot of description into this piece, which really shows your talent.

I did notice a few grammar/spelling errors.
*Bullet*"which made you smiled back and time you saw him."~~>Should probably be 'which made you smile back every time you saw him'.

*Bullet*"He never Found or glared he was always smiling, even when he was upset."~~>Should probably be 'He never frowned or glared. He was always smiling, even when he was upset.'

*Bullet*"He never judge and he always knew what to say."~~>Should probably be 'He never judged and he always knew what to say.'

*Bullet*"His dark brown, messy hair never lay flat against his check."~~>Should probably be 'His dark brown, messy hair never laid flat against his cheek.' Keep in mind I'm not totally sure about 'laid', it's most likely in the right tense, but may not be the right form. (Get a second opinion if possible).

*Bullet*On a side note, you said 'smile' quite a bit in the beginning. It seems a little repetitive, so I'd maybe smooth that out a bit.

Other than those errors, I believe this little short story gives off a great deal of your feelings for your ex. It adequately described what he looked like and why you liked him.

Great job. *Smile* Just work on a bit of your grammar/punctuation/spelling and you'll be fine!

-Neko
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Review of Forget  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a very nice free-verse poem. It flows well generally throughout. There are a few rough spots, however. I'd also like to suggest that you give your poem more of a structure, instead of putting it into paragraph poem... this would help the flow, as well as help make the read a little less awkward.

Here's how I would edit your piece:
"My days are long and painful as I try to forget you, my patience is slowly dying.
My memories of you are slowly fading and almost gone from my memory forever.
But now there's nothing I can do but wait.
As I wait my heart slowly dies, as well as my love for you does.
My heart is aching and throbbing from the pain you have caused me.
Days pass quickly as you ignore me why must you torture me so?
My heart is dead, and my love is gone.
Now all I have to do is forget the one I have loved."

Notice the change in structure? Now, we'll get into a bit of the technical stuff.

*Bullet*"My memories of you are slowly fading and almost gone from my memory forever." ~~~>The bolded parts are the problem area. Having the same word (or two words that are very similar) in the same line can lead to an awkward read or a loss in flow. I'd suggest changing the second "memory" to something different, perhaps 'mind' would do.

*Bullet*"As I wait my heart slowly dies, as well as my love for you does." ~~~>The part with the line through it (a strike through) doesn't need to be there. It makes the line hard to read and is an extra that isn't needed. I'd suggest taking the word "does" out.

I'd also like to point out your extensive use of the words "my" and "me". Though this is needed in some parts of the poem, I felt that it became somewhat repetitive. Maybe try changing it up a little and taking out a few of those "my's" and "me's".

Other than that everything else is fine (though, I found that in some places you could have perhaps shortened up the lines a little). Remember though, this is my opinion, and if you like your poem the way it is, then keep it that way! *Bigsmile* Great job, this really shows the speakers emotions well and also captured my attention. Lovely!

-Neko

P.S. If you ever edit it up a bit, please let me know. I'd be glad to re-rate and re-review your item. *Smile*
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Review of Dead Heart  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: E | (5.0)
Gah, this is an absolutely wonderful poem! So I had to give it a 5. *Smile* There is one thing I think you could fix. I noticed that in the 2nd stanza you have a rhyme, whilst in the first you didn't. It's not something that HAS to be fixed, because I think it works perfectly either way. So it's up to you. *Smile*

Great job, this was really well written and nicely descriptive! ^-^ Keep 'em coming!

-Neko
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Review of My Curse....  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is an exceptional poem. *Smile* I'm a big fan of vampires, so I think you did a great job at portraying them. I especially liked the last line as well as the beginning stanza.

A very haunting read. Keep it up! ^-^
-Neko
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Review of The Grim Reaper  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is such a wonderful story. I found your comparison of the Grim Reaper to funeral home runners (is that the correct term? Probably not) very accurate (though, I'm sure, not ALL of them are like that) as well as somewhat humorous. *Smile* It's amazing you thought of something like this.

The story was well-written and a nice read. I enjoyed it!
-Neko
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Review of Hope  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: E | (3.5)
Hello there! This poem caught my eye as I was looking through your port.

Okay... overall impression: This poem needs work. It's good. It has a couple of VERY good lines that I think you could make something WONDERFUL out of.

The first two lines and the last four lines are probably the most unique and best part of your poem. This is where you need to do something.

While reading the poem it became very repetitive. "Hope is like..." and "Hope is..." became the most used beginning in this poem. The second line is what ruins it if you wanted to keep everything as "Hope-(something)". I'd suggest either changing that line or fixing up the entire other part of the poem that I did not mention earlier.

Repetition is good at times, but the way you have it seems really awkward and extremely long winded. Sometimes speaker's voice is poetic... sometime it is normal. Try to get a good flow and keep it consistent. Another way you could perhaps fix the poem up a bit is to put things on another line as you did with the first two lines.

Ex.
PREVIOUS
"Hope is like a fireman trying to save all the people he can from a buring building"

NEW
"Hope is like a fireman trying to save
all the people he can from a burning building"

NEWEST (then I may shorten the lines, since being so long and wordy it draws attention away from what is really being said...)
"Hope is like a fireman,
trying to save all the people he can"
(Something like that)

The biggest thing to remember, though, is that this is my opinion. If you like it the way it is then you should keep it that way. *Smile* If you do ever decide to edit it, please let me know. I will re-review/rate it for you.

This piece has so much potential, especially from what I saw in those lines I named. I think it could really be something unique if you just took the time to polish it up a little (and get rid of some of the typos).

Great job, though I enjoy some of the poem, there were some lines that truly shined! Keep at it. *Smile*
-Neko
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Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: E | (4.5)
What a lovely sonnet. *Smile* Your poem is extremely peaceful and well thought out. There's not much I can think of for you to fix except that the 2nd stanza seemed a little off flow for me (around the last line?) but I think it was mainly the way I was reading it.

Great job, you have so much talent. ^-^
-Neko
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Review of Snowflake  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a beautiful poem (as I'm sure you've been told before!). Everything flows so perfectly and is extremely peaceful. I really like the tone and feel of the poem, it makes me feel as if I am outside in the snow. ^-^

I'm so sorry, but I can't really suggest anything for you to fix here. It's truly lovely. *Smile* I enjoyed the read!

Thanks!
-Neko
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Review of I Am...  
Review by Neko ♥ Away
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a nice and somewhat unique poem. *Smile* I think you did a wonderful job at describing yourself.

There is one spot I think could use a fix up (in my opinion) and that is when you state "I am funny". It just doesn't seem to fit in with the other words you used to describe yourself.

Stupidity, Adventure, Drama... these are pretty descriptive. Funny... hmm, not sure about it, and for me it doesn't seem to fit you sneaking cake or stealing cookies. If you still want a word like 'funny', I'd suggest using the word 'comedy'.

Now, if you wanted to make it fit more with your descriptions... I'd probably suggest 'mischievous', as it describes you being sneaky and could also show a bit of playfulness.

Also, perhaps add in some punctuation (not a must, only a suggestion!). Remember though, this is only my opinion, so do what you think is best!

Thank you for the nice read. *Smile*
-Neko
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