This is an excellent yet simple poem. Everything seemed to flow extremely well and the poem is consistent. You did a great job at portraying what it is like in your mind to the reader, I could definitely see it. I do however think that a bit more imagery would add to it a lot. ^-^ You have a talent for poetry. Keep it up!
This is a truly breathtaking prose! I have never really read anything like it, and I am astounded that you have not received any other ratings for it. I must confess, I have never really been able to tell the difference between prose and poetry, but reading this I can most definitely see a difference, though this does have rhyme. Your style really made me think about what was being said and drew me in right from the beginning. I love all of the hidden meanings within the text, it's great. Wonderful job, you are indeed a talented writer.
Very good poem. Though I do not entirely agree with some of it, it is your opinion and I think you got it across well. There was a slight bit of flow problem for me here ~~~>
"Must all our loved ones
Blood spill and fall"
<~~~The reason for this, I think, is because of the lack of commas or the way you structured your lines. However, this is only my opinion.
Also, the last lines... seemed to not end properly to me. It felt like something was missing. Also, is your name part of the poem? If so it doesn't quite make sense to me; however, you are the author, so if that is how it is supposed to be and you like it that way, then you should keep it that way.
Very well done! This is a wonderful poem about all of those people who have fought to make our lives better. Great job. One thing I might suggest though is to use less contractions (such as "we're"), I think it would make the poem flow a bit better.
Very nice! This poem really reflects the emotions of the speaker well. I am positive that many of your readers can easily identify with the feelings portrayed in this poem. There are a few parts in here that are a little iffy grammar wise, but other than that I felt this was a wonderful poem.
Another wonderful and interesting poem. I think so far this is my favorite out of the ones I have read. Comparing friends to teddy bears is a wonderful idea! I do, however, think you could have added more to it (the comparison I mean!). It's best not to mess around with something that works though, so maybe one day you could make a second teddy bear poem? (One may hope, haha). The feelings I got from this poem are friendship, sweetness, tranquility, and also with a sense of foreboding because of that last line. It made me think something bad had happened.
This is a wonderful poem. I think you did a great job at describing your speaker's emotions to the reader. This shows the good side of unrequited love, an unselfish side (which not many people have done, sadly). There are a few places I think the lines could be shortened, but other than that I think this is a adequate portrayal of the subject.
An extraordinary account and view of some horrific events in our history. I truly liked your style of writing... though there were a lot of fragment sentences I still think it worked out well for this piece. Great job, you have a wonderful writing talent. I especially liked the mention of the Bible verses, as well as your concept of "The black swan". Thank you for sharing!
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Spelling: Absolutely fine.
Grammar: Also fine, I didn't find any areas throughout your work that needed help.
Punctuation: I saw one or two areas where you added a comma when it needed none. Everything else is fine.
Sentence Structure: Pretty good. There was one place ("The hole I speak of, is the absence of someone to share feelings, happiness, and love.") that I think could use work. For some reason, the way the sentence is worded didn't make sense to me. In a way, it does make sense, yet... for some reason it doesn't feel complete. I keep thinking maybe adding a 'with' in there might solve the problem, but I'm not sure. It's totally up to you if you feel like changing it or not.
Subject: Being without someone to share your life with is quite disheartening. I know I used to feel this way for quite a while. Many can sympathize with your plight; I definitely could.
Overall: This personal experience greatly appeals to your readers. Your feelings are easily seen, and generally, nothing you have said is confusing or too complicated for people to understand. One day, if you have found, or ever find, that one to share your love with, you should definitely write up a sequel to this piece.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Spelling: Perfectly fine. (Though, I could have missed some typos. Best to re-read to make sure... I know I always find new typos everytime I look back on my work.)
Grammar: Also fine.
Punctuation: Well done, though I think a few places might have been missing some needed commas.
Sentence Structure: Nice, I liked the way everything flowed together. Everything made sense to me, except for a few sections (which led me into confusion about what was going on)... mainly some things seemed a bit too ambiguous.
Plot: A nice, somewhat complex plot. The tale of vampires wishing for death, but by chance finding hope to live. I especially enjoyed the beginning tale, and wish that there had been more to it. The second part also seemed a tad short... leaving the reader wanting more. I know that this is a short story; however, I think that you could easily make this into a novel. It does work as a short story though.
Characters: William- I absolutely loved him. A very understandable character, filled with the woes of his meaningless existence. At times, he can be a bit *too* sappy for me (note the *me*), however, I still greatly enjoyed his part in this tale. Marysia- My all time favorite character in your short story. I would have loved to learn more about her, and her later relationship with William. She seems very innocent and loving... a very pure character (I guess she would be, since she's a nun. ). Byron- The last character to be introduced in your story. He seems to be the epitome of angst and curiosity. I liked his character a lot, maybe even more than William, yet... because he was not shown much, I did not get to learn enough about him to properly enjoy his character.
Overall: A very hopeful tale. At first I believed this would be something a bit different, perhaps the tale of a vampire who found his place in the world. I did not expect he would find love, and I definitely did not expect what occurred between him and Marysia, especially when the fire happened. You did a nice job with your short story, and because of the character count I am going to guess this was done for a contest (though I may be wrong). Taking that into consideration, I think you did a wonderful job. Though... I do indeed wish it had been longer and more in depth.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Impression: A light fanfic of The Kids Next Door, and in general, a tale of two children getting to know eachother.
Spelling: You have a few typos here and there, but that is all.
Grammar: Absolutely fine!
Punctuation: Also fine, except I think there may have been one place you forgot a period and/or comma.
Sentence Structure: Wonderful! I really liked your style of writing. It definitely drew me in, making me want to read more.
Plot: Nice job! I really enjoyed the way your story progressed between Hoagie and Laura. The beginning was very funny, just as the ending was very sweet.
Characters: Hoagie is portrayed very well. You captured him just as he is on the actual series of The Kids Next Door. The same can be said for Laura, and I applaud you on showing a softer side of them both.
Overall: Since I have watched the cartoon that this was based off of, I'd like to say that you did a wonderful job in imitating the shows likeness. It seemed very KND-like. The beginning was probably the best out of all of it! There isn't much advice I can give you about this piece, since I think that it is pretty much perfect. Cheers!
Greetings, I'd like to thank you for R&Ring my poem, "Invalid Item" . As I was sifting through your port, this particular poem caught my eye, so I'd like to give you a little R&R in return.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Impression: Poem about a passionate love. An evening out with the one you love. Some feelings I felt whilst reading this were that of love, passion, happiness, and youthfulness.
Spelling: Good job here, nothing wrong.
Grammar: Perfectly fine.
Punctuation: This was also fine.
Line Structure: I think you could have done a little more with your line structure, but that is my own opinion, and just a suggestion! Otherwise it is fine; except for that one point when you only have one line, then you skip a line and continue, I found that to be a little awkward.
Theme: A nice, sweet theme, that of being with your loved one.
Overall: Great job! You capture the essence of love very well, and accurately portray the speakers feelings to your reader. The only thing I might change is to add a little more to it, since it seems to be lacking slightly at the end. (And the 'not bitter' seems to have been added as an after thought--which is not really needed). Of course, this is only my opinion, so you should keep it how it is, if that is what you meant for it.
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Impression: Story about being betrayed, death, etc.
Spelling: Good, from what I saw.
Grammar: This could use some work. I noticed you had a lot of errors in some of your sentences. Missing words as well, or in some cases, you used to wrong tense of a word.
Punctuation: Also needs a little work. There were some places you added commas which did not need them, and other places that required commas but had none.
Sentence Structure: This was good for the most part; however, I did feel that some of your sentences were a bit fragmented.
Plot: VERY well developed plot. You did a great job on keeping the reader interested. I didn't believe that they would be betrayed in the end. Some of the paragraphs were confusing, as was some of the beginning of your story. I think that things could be clarified a bit more, but that is, of course, my own opinion.
Characters: Good job with your characters; however, many of them were very alike, which was also a source of my confusion. I think it would make the story slightly better if you developed their personalities more, or at least said who was talking. I noticed the numbers at the side, and though those are supposed to help with that confusion (I think), I still would prefer (as a reader) to either see the names or allow them to have very distinct personalities.
Overall: Good story. Needs a little editing, and a bit more clarity, but otherwise it was a nice, exciting read. I enjoyed your story immensely, thank you for sharing it!
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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ Impression: Essay on Bad Language, its effects on society and why it is considered 'bad'.
Spelling: Didn't see any errors here.
Grammar: Nothing wrong as well.
Punctuation: Also good, no problems.
Sentence Structure: Hmm... pretty well done, in the Overall section I will explain what I found a bit annoying.
Overall: Here we go... First of all, I'd like to say that I found this essay to be rather interesting. You key in on the uses of bad language, its origins, and how it came to be considered thus. I think that you could have extended on its usages, and societies outlook on it. Children's, parents, teenagers, and overall the majority of peoples view on it. Each individual class and social rank (not to mention age as well) has a different view on this subject. You could even extend your essay with a poll, in order to get your community at writing.com to have a little input.
Second, I found that you used the word 'bad' quite often, and not in just the two words 'bad language'. You may want to try to fix that, because it becomes rather repetitive and confusing (as does the whole essay, because things start to meld together).
I think that this essay could be a tad better, and perhaps be made a little easier to understand. I found that things seemed repeated, making me go back and re-read many of your statements. All in all though, this was a rather interesting read.
Greetings, theresa! I'd like to thank you for your review of "Invalid Item" . As I was going through your portfolio, I decided to take a look at your poems.
Impression: Melodic, beautiful, and full of emotion!
Spelling: Nothing at all wrong here.
Grammar: Again, no errors.
Punctuation: Perfectly fine. (Since you didn't use much, which isn't a bad thing!)
Line Structure: Wonderful, everything seemed to flow.
Theme: First kiss of love... great theme. Everyone can relate to it, and it is an intense event. You perfectly capture a person's feelings in that aspect.
Overall: Great poem! I absolutely loved it. It was short; however, it was also packed full of emotion and definitely drew me in.
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First Impression: A touching tale of a grandfather and grandson! Really inspiring, and definitely moving.
Spelling: Perfectly fine! No errors here.
Grammer: A little bit of trouble with this throughout the story. Here are a few that I noticed...
1)"I am going to Bilal’s place to study for my maths test."<~~~~'maths' should be 'math'.
2)"His son and daughter-in-law were both doctors and lead very busy lives."<~~~~'lead' should be 'led'.
Punctuation: A tad bit of trouble. I noticed sometimes you missed some periods. Also, here's another one I noticed....
1)"His only grandson Fawad was also busy with school studies."<~~~~Ex. 'His only grandson, Fawad, was also busy with school studies.' (Notice the added commas.)
Sentence Structure: Fine, a bit choppy in some areas, but the majority of your sentences were well formed and the transition was good.
Plot: Very good, I enjoyed the story of these two people, because it reminded me of MY grandfather, and how caring and loving he can be.
Characters: Fawad was well formed, as was the other characters, especially his grandfather. I felt that their emotions and feelings were clearly portrayed. (Though, if you want you could add in some descriptions of them... *hint hint* However, it is not something that is truly needed.)
Overall: Absolutely wonderful family story. Anyone who reads this will be inspired to act more kindly towards their family (or so I hope!). I applaud you on your excellent work. The grammar and punctuation could be worked on, and the story could be fleshed out a bit more. Remember, this is mostly my personal opinion, so go with what you want!
Greetings, I found your poem in the Read A Newbie! section of our wonderful site, writing.com. I'd like to welcome you into our community, and I hope that you enjoy your time here and find this site to be just as helpful as I have found it.
Impression: Love the free-verse. The poem flows very well, and it also gives the impression of friendships strife, yet in a way, also its good times.
Spelling: Nothing wrong here!
Grammar: Again, no errors. I find that your grammar was indeed pleasant.
Punctuation: No problems. Free-verse always allows a wide range of punctuation and spacing, and I felt you did fine with this.
Line Structure: Good, it wasn't too choppy nor too long in any areas.
Theme: The theme of "friendship" is a good one. You adequately described your emotions about your friend, and how you wish you could tell them that sometimes they bother you.
Overall: Very nice poem! I do, however, have one thing I think you could improve upon. The last stanza somewhat does not seem to fit with the first stanza. If you could improve upon its subject, then perhaps that would make the overall poem much better. This is, of course, just my opinion, so go with what you think is right.
Greetings! Thank you for sharing your short story with me at my Review forum:
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First Impression: The first part of your story interested me greatly. What did the dream mean? However, I was somewhat confused as to who was saying what, which may have been intentional on your part.
Spelling: Fine, no problems here.
Grammar: Absolutely fine except I noticed you repeated a word twice on accident~~~>"We were racing along the along Tottenham Court Road"
And I noticed you need something added here~~~>"he saw the old man hand lash out" Ex. 'he saw the old man's hand lash out'.
Punctuation: Excellent, didn't see anything wrong here.
Sentence Structure: Also great, your sentences flowed well.
Plot: Wonderful and interesting. Your story really drew me in. The sequence of events in your story, however, were somewhat confusing. It went from a dream, to explanation about family, to a bar, then to a fight. I had trouble knowing which characters were which in some areas. After re-reading the story, it is a bit more clear. I was wondering why Edmund was in such a murderous rage; yes, the man hit him with a bottle, but was he also mad about what the old man had said of Dylan's mother? I was wondering this because you mentioned the thing about Dylan's mother much later in the story. You never explained why Dylan and the old man fought in the first place, so I'm guessing that's why you mentioned it later; still, it was a tad confusing because of the order of the events.
Characters: Most are memorable. A few are hazy to me, and were a bit hard to remember. Later in the story they were much better portrayed.
Overall: Great story, especially for having written it in 48 hours! I would fix it up a tad though, and you may want to make the transition a bit easier to follow. Is the dream relevant to the story? If so, maybe you could explain it later on, because it being there somewhat confused me. I think it may have had something to do with the old man they'd killed, but I wasn't sure who the speaker was, and I wasn't sure what was meant by it. Well written, and certainly interesting, it just needs a bit of polishing.
Thanks for the wonderful read, keep it up!
-Neko
P.S. If you go back and edit, and would like me to re-review and rate, then please let me know; I would be happy to take another look at it!
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Greetings! Thank you for sharing your short story with me at my Review forum:
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I apologize for the wait! Now onto the review~.
First Impression: Fantastic short story. Again, you truly portray the characters emotions easily to the reader. Once I got to the end, as with your other story, I wished it had continued!
Spelling: Perfectly fine, no errors!
Grammar: Also fine; though, there were a few small spots it could be improved upon.
Punctuation:There were a few spots that need to be edited in this category. Such as putting a comma when saying something: Ex. 'She then said, "Hello!"' or '"I love you," she said softly.' Notice where I added the commas.
Another thing I really noticed~~>Delilah sighed, “Me neither,” she said looking at her surroundings.<~~What I would do is this Delilah sighed. "Me neither," she said while looking at her surroundings. I would put a period behind 'sighed' because she isn't sighing and saying 'Me neither' at the same time. Also, I would add the 'while' in to make the sentence more complete.
Sentence Structure: Good, except for a few places that seemed to be a bit run-on'ish.
Plot: Excellent. So many people have gone through this very same thing, both women and men. This creates an appeal for all of your readers, except very small children. =P Break-up's such as this one are always hard to go through.
Characters: Both of them are portrayed very well. I also find it amazing that you didn't make either Matt or Delilah out to be the 'bad guy', which is what many writers do.
Overall: Excellent short story. I wish it had been longer, though, that could take away from the essence of this fine story. Characters are great, and writing style is nice. Again, only thing needing a bit of work is grammar, sentence structure, and punctuation.
Greetings! Thank you for sharing your short story with me at my Review forum:
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First Impression: Well thought out. The first few paragraphs really draw the reader in. The characters are introduced nicely, and the writing style is deep and portrays emotion well.
Spelling: Perfectly fine. I didn't see any errors with this throughout your story.
Grammar: Also fine. No errors here.
Punctuation: Needs a slight bit of editing. I noticed you had a few places that could be worked on. Just re-read your story and you should be able to find them. If you need me to edit, please let me know. I must warn you that it will take me a while depending on what I find or how busy I am.
Sentence Structure: Fine for the most part. There were some areas that seemed like run-on sentences, so you may want to go through and try to fix them.
Plot: Excellent! It totally drew me in. I couldn't stop reading because I wanted to find out what happened. I wish you would have continued your story, it was excellent, and I wanted Lynn to finally find someone who was good for her.
Characters: Wonderfully created. They are both easily recognized and each of their emotions reach out to the reader. It was easy to decipher what was going on in their minds. Great job!
Overall: A lovely read. I wanted so much for Lynn to find happiness. Jason indeed came off as a jerk to me, and reminded me of so many relationships a lot of my friends have gone through, and even myself. The appeal of your story is great, especially to women, since many can relate to this. The only thing you need to work on is some of your sentence structure and punctuation, and then I think it would be perfect!
P.S. Let me know if you decide to continue it, or if you already have. I'd LOVE to read it!
What an amazing and creative story! I haven't read something quite as unique in a while. This short story has real promise, but there were areas that should be polished up.
Grammer: Fine for the most part. I did notice a few sketchy spots. For ex. "When I watch my mouth opens it splits my head in two."~~~~>Should be 'When I watch my mouth open it splits my head in two.'
Spelling: Didn't see any errors with this.
Sentence Structure: Somewhat poor. Very choppy sentences throughout the whole story. However, I was wondering if it was intentional. If it is intentional, then it is fine; however, you still may want to add some less choppy sentences just to make it flow better.
Punctuation: A lot of work could be done with this. I noticed you hardly ever used any sort of punctuation. See if you can fix this up.
Plot: Very well done! Extremely interesting, and I love the twist. You did a great job of drawing the reader into the story, as well as setting them up for the ending.
A few things I want to mention:
1) Where did the girl (I'm assuming it's a girl) get her extra change of clothes when she was in the lady's room?
2) Was everything in her mind? Because it sounded like she had a lot of out of whack reactions to what was going on. If she was actually throwing up, etc, wouldn't John have reacted more?
And that is about it. I truly enjoyed the read. It was frightening, as well as sad.
Great job, and keep it up!
-Neko
P.S. If you fix this up any, please let me know. I'll R&R it again.
A very sad poem. I think the flow is great, and the emotion in this poem reaches out to the reader. The structure/format is consistent, and overall this was a very nice read (nice as in well written). It made me, as a reader, feel the pain and emotion that the narrator is feeling.
Spelling: Fine.
Grammer: Only one part I'd consider adding something to~~~>"You were one I trusted"<~~~sounds like it should have a 'the' in front of 'one'. Ex. 'You were the one I trusted'.
Punctuation: Fine, though some things did slightly bother me. I felt like you had too many '...' in there. That is a personal preference though, so if you feel you should keep them, then you should do so.
Great poem, well written, and packed full of emotion. I enjoyed the read.
Hello there! This poem caught my eye as I was looking through your portfolio. I must say that it has not disappointed me.
Some errors:
"In His his father's house of mansions"
~~~>Possible error. Notice you have two 'his' in the line, I think you may have accidentally typed it twice.
"So if your weary just remember"
~~~>'your' should probably be 'you're'.
General Thoughts/Etc
Structure: Perfectly fine. Everything seemed to fit together well.
Topic: Very good topic! You did a wonderful job describing many of the things people dream or think about. Also, it is so true that if you have faith and strive for heaven, then you will find a way to make things happen.
Flow: Nothing wrong with it. And as a song, I'm sure it would have a wonderful beat and melody. Sadly, I can't hear it for real! *Laughs*
OVERALL Wonderful poem/song. Like I mentioned before, it is very true. This is a very inspirational and well written poem. Just fix those few errors and it'll be perfect!
Hello there, thanks for sharing this story with me at my review forum:
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General: Good formatting, well written, no errors that I remember. Characters are well rounded and plot is good.
Plot: Very well done. I like how unique this story was. I thought that the overall theme (which I think is 'live while you can, instead of worrying about when you'll die') is a great one, and can certainly teach the readers a thing or two.
Characters: Memorable, names aren't too complicated. Wish there would be some descriptions of them though.
Speaking: When the characters speak it seems a little stiff, and their grammer is off at points. Not sure if that is intended.
Spelling: No errors that I noticed.
Grammer: A few bumpy areas with this, try and fix if possible. I most noticed it in the characters speaking, as I mentioned before.
Punctuation: Seemed fine.
Other: As I said before, I loved this story. It is VERY well done overall, and a nice read. Not too much I can suggest, except maybe extending it a bit, or telling about past experiences and why Dave came to be like this.
Thanks for the read, and keep it up!
-Neko
P.S. If you wish for me to go through and edit, let me know, though please remember that it will probably take me quite a while to do so. (I don't think this piece needs much editing though.)
{color:blue}Hello there, thank you for inviting me to read your story at my Review Forum
Invalid Item This item number is not valid. #1263516 by Not Available.
First of all, I'd like to apologize in the delay of your review. I have been very busy the past few months, hopefully you do not mind.
{color:green}GENERAL OVERVIEW:
Wonderful story. I absolutely loved the images and uniqueness of this piece. The characters are vividly portrayed as is the setting and history of the people. I was drawn in from the beginning, a wonderful feat in itself.
{color:red}Grammer: Could use a little fixing up. I noticed you had some oddly worded sentences. Try re-reading your work and seeing if you can spot some of the things that need fixing.
{color:rose}Punctuation: Great for the most part, except perhaps one or two places. A quick re-read should fix it up nicely.
{color:orange}Spelling: Nothing at all wrong with spelling!
{color:violet}Characters: Most of them are memorable, and the names are not too hard to remember. A little work could be done on their descriptions, though, since this is just the start of your story you have a bit of leeway in that. Just make sure to adequitely describe them all as time goes by!
{color:blue}Story: Excellent story line so far. The action is great, and you can surely do a lot with it. I'm curious to see how the plot evolves after this chapter!
{color:green}Setting: You did a wonderful job on the setting. It almost felt as if I were there, and you used a lot of great descriptions in order to set an atmosphere for your reader.
{color:red}Transitions: I had a little trouble with this, especially when Jaydon was watching his father. It seemed as if he were hearing the words they said, since there was no transition between the two scenes. Try and fix this up a little if possible.
{color:rose}Other: I apologize for not going in and editing; however, you did not request it, so I think it will be alright. Editing takes me a extremely long time, so if you DO want me to do it, please feel free to ask me, but also know that it will take me quite a while to do so.
{color:violet}Thanks for sharing, and keep it up! I loved this chapter.
-Neko
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Everything seemed to flow extremely well and the poem is consistent. You did a great job at portraying what it is like in your mind to the reader, I could definitely see it. I do however think that a bit more imagery would add to it a lot. ^-^ You have a talent for poetry. Keep it up!
A very understandable character, filled with the woes of his meaningless existence. At times, he can be a bit *too* sappy for me (note the *me*), however, I still greatly enjoyed his part in this tale. 