Now this really is in the spirit of Christmas. No one takes the time to relax and enjoy the moment. It's all about buying stuff, stuff, stuff. I really like your poem. But I have to admit I'm heading out right now to buy more of that stuff, stuff, stuff.
I love this. Really beautiful. And even though I don't know about poetry (very much) the meter and rhyme scheme seems very lyrical. It's a wonderful poem told in so few lines, but says so much and leaves me with a hopeful but melancholy feeling. Great job.
You have been raided by and Elf from the Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society
Great Job! I laughed out loud 3 times while reading this. Your humorous description is exceptional. This was a funny, funny piece! One of the problems that I have is interior monologue, but it's obvious that you don't. I think that was what made this story so great for me. I really had a sense of the main character and how he thought, and thus how he is.
Great job. I don't give out 5's too often but this really deserves it.
kim
You have been raided by an elf! In the name of the season. Write on!
This is a great story. I think we all remember how it was to be a child. The delight and mystery that the world held. I think that everyone wants to recapture those days. I have 2 little girls that I take care of and I'm able to recapture that delight by looking at their faces and seeing the mystery in their eyes. They asked me yesterday if I believed in Santa Claus. And of course I told them I did. They also asked if he still brought me presents. And I said no, Santa Claus only stops to deliver presents to children. But I still believe.
There's just one thing that I think you got wrong.The world does care about you being a good or bad person.
I almost feel like a voyeur reading this poem. We actually had cream puffs last night at a Christmas party. You do a perfect job of describing this tantalizing treat. And then you get to the last line and have a great twist. Something that I think is kind of difficult to do in poetry. Good job. This was delicious! (Pun intended!)
kim
Elf Raid
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I absolutely love this. Being kind of a Melvin fan, But the imagery of an old girlfriend rising out of the depths to wreck havoc is indeed unique! There just isn't anything that I don't like about this poem. It feels so primeval and basic. I love the imagery also of the smoke and drums and the moons gravity. All in all, just wonderful.
I loved this! This is so...I just can't think of a word to describe it. It's funny, and smart, and really, really vivid. I thought you would win the Flash Fiction Challenge with this for sure.
There's one little typo in the first paragraph. In the last sentence of the paragraph "there" should be "their." Otherwise. Just perfect.
Beautiful, clear and haunting. It is like being in a dream. Your writing is very evocative and you have a great vocabulary! I only found one item that may or may not need attention.
"I should think my courage as a man strong enough to not fear the sight of trees, but oh, you did not see this forest. You did not suffer its strange power."
I don't think that you can have two subjects in a sentence. I think that just keeping in the main characters pov is very, very strong. I felt a little disrupted when you used 'you'.
I loved this story. It was for the Writers Cramp wasn't it? This is exactly my kind of sci/fi!
I thought I had reviewed this but maybe ran out of time. Anyway, good job. I wouldn't change a thing.
I think it's a beginning of a really good story. Or an easy way to introduce a character into a novel. Just one word jumped out at me "talented marketing". It kind of pulled me back to the present. Other than that I felt I had a pretty good understanding of the king, his son and Devrias.
I read this before and had to come back and review it. I really like this. I think you have a very strong theme and your narrative is quite compelling. You did an excellent job in such a few number of words.
I really like your poem. I think that poetry is much harder than fiction since you have so many different rules to stick to and so few words to do it. I hope you don't mind but I did some editing below. This in no way reflects any criticism, I just had fun tweaking it so that it spoke better to my ear. Let me know if you have any questions. Write on!
Look at me,take me up high,
Hold me tight, lift me up to the sky,
We'll touch the moon and dance with the stars,
Play with the planets and dine on Mars.
In the gardens we'll be butterflies,
Flying,circling ,embracing loves desires.
Swimming with the dolphins in the vast ocean,
Mermaids flirting with the pirates of the Caribbean
In the forest we'll be trees talking to God all day
Swaying in the breeze, hugging as we pray
On top of the mountains we'll be a panoramic view
Inhaling each others breath , saying I love you
On a desert island we'll be an oasis,
A quench for thirsty travelers facing life's crisis.
In stormy weather we'll be like softly falling rain ,
A colorful rainbow, free from hurt and pain.
Two perfect portraits carved in mountain Stone
Like Egypt's ancient pyramids,we'll never be alone
The fleeting souls of two lovers intertwine
Like feathers floating in the air,yours and mine .
Wow. Great read. I think the ending is very strong. There's only one thing that I can think of that might make it stronger. It's that first line of the epilogue which puts the whole story in place. If you added MAT-Mars Automated Transport AI-21771A had exceeded the sum of it's parts....
Or you might consider using MAT instead of Mat throughout the story. But all in all this was a really great read.
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