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51
51
Review by kim
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hi,

It's me again, kim, from the Showering Acts of Joy group.

You have quite a story going here. I can see where this chapter sets the conflict. It's a very dramatic scene and is sure to get a reader interested since you start right in the middle of the action. I can easily picture all of this taking place since you use all the senses to describe the scene. It's all very believable and very well paced.

I was left with a little question about where or when this is taking place. I wasn't sure if it was a fantasy world in the past, I know you describe a kirtle in the next chapter that led me to believe that it's historic fantasy. But when I read this line:

She heard him zip his pants and move down the hall away from her."

It made me think about zippers and if they were invented yet. It's a tiny thing really, it just made me wonder about the time frame.

I only saw one typo:

Faiths breaths - should be Faith's breath



She removed her robe and shoved it toward the shaking Airianna . 'Put this on', she demanded.! ~ I don't think you need the dialog tag "she demanded." or the exclamation point. I think her action in the sentence makes the point very well.

"All her senses were honed on the hallway outside." ~ Honed is a great word, but I'm not sure that it works in this sentence. It means 'sharpened' and I don't think you mean her senses were sharpened on the hallway.

Please don't think that I'm being critical. I really love the beginning of this story and really look forward to reading more. I think you've done an excellent job of setting the scene, introducing the conflict and characters and I already like them.

I look forward to reading more chapters!

kim

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52
52
Review by kim
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi,

My name is kim and I'm here to shower you with a little joy this morning, from the Showering Acts of Joy group. I have to confess right up front that I did not read the first chapter, since I saw this one did not have any reviews I started here.

This chapter is very well put together. I get a sense of the scene, characters, and conflict immediately. I can really picture this taking place, almost like a movie. Here are some of my thoughts:


"Flames raging. People screaming. Lady Amaranths face contorted in agony. Blood, dripping down the walls."

I kind of wonder if this might not be put into italics? Then the reader would know immediately that it was separate from the real action that comes next. I'm not an expert on when to use italics, but to me, it just seems like it would work in this case.

I love the way that you portrayed the camp, it was simple, but very effective in giving the general feel of the place. I also liked the way that you introduced the back-story it did not interrupt the action at all and seemed very natural.

I'm going back to read the first chapter, but truthfully, this really feels like a first chapter to me.

I only saw one typo:

"Quill and Tah'lon will bored the ship" ~ should be board

All in all, a great beginning. I look forward to reading more of this story. Good job.

kim

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53
53
Review of Mama  
Review by kim
In affiliation with Showering Acts of Joy Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi,

My name is kim and I'm delivering a little shower of joy, from the Showering Acts of Joy group.

I really liked your story, especially the details that put me right there in the dressing room. I think the first detail that stood out for me was the photograph of the mother, swiveling her hips. I love the way that this story comes full circle to the daughter, now pregnant. It's fairly poignant, the good and the not so good memories. You made me think about what she must be feeling about her own child on the way, wondering if she will make the same mistakes.

One of the best details was her hand on the coarse sequined fabric of her costume. It's so authentic and genuine.

Really a great piece of flash fiction. Thanks for writing!

kim

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The scrapbook of my mind falls open to a random page, of her singing softly to me when I had the chicken pox, to distract me from tearing at my itchy skin.
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54
Review of To Bryan  
Review by kim
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi

My name's kim and I'll be your Elfish Reviewer today. This review is part of the Vernal Equinox Elf Raid sponsored by the Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society.

I really like your poem. The most important thing (to me) about poetry is being able to see another person's life and emotions. Since this is something from your life, you write about it very authentically. A reader can see, through your eyes, what this experience has meant to you. Really well done.

Write On!

kim

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55
55
Review by kim
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,

My name is kim and I'll be your Elfish Reviewer today. This review is part of the Vernal Equinox Elf Raid sponsored by the Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society.

I really like your poem. I think that I've felt this way more than once!

I can feel the exasperation to get out there and try living on your own with no restraints. It's well written and conveys your feelings very well.

There was one section that was a little bit awkward.

I never recall,
Agreeing the rule
To do whatever they please.

Sorry, but I don't have any suggestions on how to make it smoother. But I bet if you work at it you'll find the right words.

Good poem.

Write On!

kim

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56
Review of My Wall  
Review by kim
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,

My name is kim and I'll be your Elfish Reviewer today. This review is part of the Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society's Spring/Equinox Elf Raid.

I like your poem. I thought it read very well and I can see that you are still working on it. I do the same with my poems (the two that I have). If I let them sit a little while sometimes something just pops into my head and everything falls in place. I really love poems that rhyme.

I've listed a couple of typos below.

centry century

morter mortar

As far as the last two lines, I think I like it as it is. Good job!

kim

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57
57
Review of EJH  
Review by kim
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,

It's me again, kim from the Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society. I loved your ee poem so much I wanted to look at your others. I love this, although I didn't get EJH. I'm sure that it's someone I should know, just because of the sound of the poem. This reminds me so much of something but I just can't put my finger on it.

Anyway, I think it stands so well on it's own, reading it out loud is a real treat. Superb.

Anyway, if you want, let me know who EJH is, then I can feel like an idiot for not remembering. Thanks for the great poetry!!!

kim

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58
58
Review of ee set free  
Review by kim
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi,

My name is kim and I'll be your Elfish Review today. The review is part of the Vernal Equinox Elf Raid for the Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society.

I LOVE ee. In fact I think that he's part of the reason that I do not always use capitals correctly. I have a theory that most things shouldn't be capitalized since what makes them more important than other things? Sadly, there isn't much leeway in the literary world to make up you own rules. Unless your e.e.cummings. Here's one of my favorite poems of his.

sing of Olaf glad and big
by E. E. Cummings

XXX

i sing of Olaf glad and big
whose warmest heart recoiled at war:
a conscientious object-or

his wellbelovéd colonel(trig
westpointer most succinctly bred)
took erring Olaf soon in hand;
but--though an host of overjoyed
noncoms(first knocking on the head
him)do through icy waters roll
that helplessness which others stroke
with brushes recently employed
anent this muddy toiletbowl,
while kindred intellects evoke
allegiance per blunt instruments--
Olaf(being to all intents
a corpse and wanting any rag
upon what God unto him gave)
responds,without getting annoyed
"I will not kiss your f***ing flag"

straightway the silver bird looked grave
(departing hurriedly to shave)

but--though all kinds of officers
(a yearning nation's blueeyed pride)
their passive prey did kick and curse
until for wear their clarion
voices and boots were much the worse,
and egged the firstclassprivates on
his rectum wickedly to tease
by means of skilfully applied
bayonets roasted hot with heat--
Olaf(upon what were once knees)
does almost ceaselessly repeat
"there is some s*** I will not eat"

our president,being of which
assertions duly notified
threw the yellowsonofabitch
into a dungeon,where he died

Christ(of His mercy infinite)
i pray to see;and Olaf,too

preponderatingly because
unless statistics lie he was
more brave than me:more blond than you.



Great poem about a worthy author. Write On!!!

kim

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59
59
Review of Brother Forever  
Review by kim
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi,

My name is kim and I'll be your Elfish Reviewer today. This review is part of the Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society's Vernal Equinox Elf Raid.

This was really a pleasure to read. The story moves along at a good pace and the way it is told had a lot of authenticity. That helps a reader really feel they can trust the narrator.

I liked you use of emotion and the Fire Fighter's Creed at the end of the story. It was a lovely touch that you used the partner's name for the sun and reinforces your theme.

The only suggestion that I would make is to set up the paragraphs so that only one person is speaking before there's a paragraph break. It makes it easier for a reader to follow along with who is saying what. You can keep action and dialog of the same character in the same paragraph and then start a new paragraph when the action or dialog switches to another character.

I only found one small typo below.

Yea, yea, whatever give me a hand up,” Could use a comma after whatever

Really good job.

kim

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60
60
Review of Siren song  
Review by kim
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,

My name's kim and I'll be your Elvish Review today. This review is part of the Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society's seasonal Equinox Raid.

I love this poem. I'm especially fond of mythology and folklore and you've managed to make it speak to morality as well.

Then with death the truth betold,
earth again takes all the gold.

I love the final stanza. And I think this tenet speaks to modern society just as it did to the anicients. Well done!

kim

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61
61
Review of The Best Revenge  
Review by kim
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,

My name is kim and I'll be your Elfish Reviewer today. This review is part of the Spring Elf Raid sponsored by the Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society.

I hate to review something that was just written, because some people have review my stuff when it wasn't finished or I didn't have time to edit or proof read so I'll only comment on the content.

This iseems like a good believable poem about a break up. Kind of reminds me of Tears of a Clown which you are probably too young to have ever heard. But it's about acting like you aren't bothered when really you are.

I think it's pretty good revenge.

Thanks for sharing.

kim

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Review by kim
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,

My name is kim and I'll be your Elfish Reviewer today. This review is part of our Vernal Equinox Elf Raid, sponsored by the Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society.

I've never been to Tokyo and do know much about anime, but I feel like I've seen the city now. I liked the way your traveloge wound through both exciting neon filled places and quiet temples since it gave a feeling of movement through out the scene.

A couple notes below:

Reminiscent of Fritz Lang’s Metropolis (this is just personal, I lived in the city of Metropolis for 17 years! It's in southern Illinois and is about as far removed from the movie as one can get!)


the Yurikamome monorail slipped through Odaiba’s concrete jungle like a snake in grass (I think this was my favorite line in the piece. Really evocative.

I think you did a good job of capturing both the city and the emotions of both a mother and daughter. Good job.

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63
63
Review of FEAR OF MY HEART  
Review by kim
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,

My name is kim and I'm a member of the Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society. This review is part of our Vernal Equinox Elf Raid.

I'm not an expert on poetry but I like the poem above. Especially the first stanza. I think that this poem is about young love, even children. "The girl in anklets came to me" in fact the who first stanza feels so right and certain with a good tempo.

The only suggestion that I would make is not use all caps, they can be hard to read sometimes.

Good poem.

kim

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64
64
Review by kim
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi,

My name is kim and I'll be your Elfish Reviewer for today. This review is part of the Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society's Vernal Equinox Raid.

I think this is a very interesting and compelling back story for a science fiction story. It's fresh, with some new ideas about how humans got here. I can see you'd have a great plot line to work from for this.

This is the part that captured my attention:

They dumped invisible packages into the planet’s atmosphere, The Secret Keeper knew immediately that they were knowledge, but why would the aliens be leaving knowledge?

What a unique visual concept.

I would look forward to reading a completed story about this. Thanks.

kim

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65
65
Review of why wait  
Review by kim
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,

My name is kim and this review is from the Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society and is part of our Vernal Equinox Elf Raid.

I liked you poem. It's full of heart felt sadness and does a very good job of conveying some difficult emotions. It's one of the saddest things I think, when a father goes away. I don't they they really know how much the ones that are left behind miss and love them.

I lost my father when I was young and your poem reminded me of him, and how much I still miss him.

Good job, because that's what poetry is supposed to do.

I only have one tiny suggestion, and the more I think about it I think about it you could just leave it the way it is.

~tooken (I thought should be taken, but..)

it seemed out of place to me at first, but it's a word that a child would use and maybe says what it should say. Yes, definitely leave it in. It reminds me of my sister when she was about 4.

Nice poem.

kim

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66
66
Review of The Beginning  
Review by kim
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi,

My name is kim and I'll be your Elfin Reviewer today. This review is part of the Coffee Shop for the Fantasy Society's Vernal Equinox Elf Raid.

I found your story very interesting. I know it's silly, but is there really a guy named Braelin Overstreet? I must be getting so old I can't keep up with the latest hot guys!

Anyway, you're story read really well. You used a lot of dialog, which a lot of writers have trouble with. But your dialog was good and added to the story. Like this line below:

He started laughing at me. "Seriously, like High School Musical Zac Efron?"

"No, like Charlie St. Cloud, 2010 Zac Efron." ~ Really good.

And the last line of the story, ties it all up.

And the rest is history.

Good Fan fiction!

kim

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67
67
Review of You Are There  
Review by kim
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi,

My name is kim and I'll be your Elven reviewer today. This review is from the Coffee Shop for the Fantasy society and is part of our Vernal Equinox-Spring Elf Raid.

This was a very nice poem. I thought you treated the subject matter very well and your descriptions felt simple and true. This was my favorite line.

Giving my bones marrow

The only suggestion that I can make is to put an extra blank line before the last stanza.

Really good job.

kim

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Review of Fairytale Angel  
Review by kim
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
HI,

Just wanted to stop by and look at your poetry. I have to admit that I don't have any practical experience with poetry. I just know what I like, what speaks to me. Since I'm in a fantasy group I wanted to comment on this poem.

I think you painted a very good picture of childhood when make-believe is real and imagination is so unfettered. I think that naming the fairy tale creatures that are her friends lets a reader picture concrete images for this little girls imagination.

I really liked the poem and only found one typo:

She's to old for dolls but to young to date. [should be too in both places]

Good poem!

Hope the weather's good in your neck of the woods, it's up to 75 here today, in the 80's tomorrow. That's the thing about Kentucky, we go from winter to summer in the blink of an eye.

kim

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Review by kim
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi,

Me again, with your last review in the Tea with Lemon and Honey and a Pixie Berry Muffin (try saying that 3 times real quick) from ozarks3213 and "If I were me..." 

Pretty gory, but that's a good thing! The description was great, lots of gore. It's very easy to picture this scene. I think, just my opinion, that this could be a little stronger if there was a little more explanation for the reader about why this guys is doing this. It's apparent that he is conflicted about it. And I like the way the first section reads so that a reader may think that he is the one being hunted. I just felt that there would be more tension if there were some explanation. But really, in the real world there is no real explanation either.

I love this sentence below. Very evocative! Good job on a short-short!

surf foams in pink puffy froth where the water has begun to drink of the devastation.

kim

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70
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Review by kim
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Alexia,

This is a gift from ozarks3213 and is being delivered from "Invalid Item"  where we deliver hot, fresh reviews to you!

Let me first say, I love sci/fi! I think you have the beginning of a very good story here. It must be so much fun to create your own worlds. I hope you continue with this story. I love the title by the way.

I just had some suggestions that you might want to think about for the beginning.

In the second paragraph the story starts out in the first person. But then you switch to "their" I think it would flow a little smoother if maybe you tell the reader how you know this information so then it will seem to be coming from you (the pov character) Not sure if this makes any sense, but it just gave me a little pause as I was reading through it.

Their days were lived under the twin moons, Kwalo and Tynp and their nights were spent under the surface, where their houses and cities were actually built to escape the heat of their sun and the vapors it forced the planet to exert.

I just wondered how they were able to go 9 billion light-years in one day? I don't think you need a full explainantion, but something like 'with the development of the quantum flux capacitor (thanks Back to the Future) Or if the trip took 1000 years you might want to change the date, or explain why there is only one day between the journal entries. This is the tough thing about sci/fi, you can make up so much cool stuff, but it has to be believable to the people who read the stories who are pretty up on what's happening in the techno world.

I hope that you continue this. I'm a big sci/fi fan. I love imagining life on other planets and in other dimensions. I can see a couple of plots and subplots developing. Luke doesn't trust the Q, and he could be a love interest. Then there's the 2 girls and one guy thing. Quite interesting.

Thanks for writing this, I think it's great and has lots of potential!

Kim

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71
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Review by kim
In affiliation with  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi,

Me again back with a final review from ozark3213 from the "Invalid Item"  Delicious reviews delivered right to your inbox.

The scene above was very interesting! I really loved the way that you showed the tone change from happy to sad just by what was happening in the setting. A reader can picture this so easily since all of your description reinforces the tone from happy to sad.

The key for me was this sentence

His eyes glittered as they gazed at the yellow-headed child that was his.

I wondered if he were going to do something with the child. In my mind, when someone's eyes glitter, they're up to no good. I'm not sure if that is what you intended, but with the change in atmosphere it appears that something bad did happen.

I think this was a good example of showing and not telling. Really well done.

kim

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72
72
Review by kim
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi,

This review is part of a gift from ozarks3213 and is being delivered by "Invalid Item"  The best place for tasty reviews delivered right to your door.


This was really great. Such a lovely scene from childhood. I love reading about other cultures. and you provided the sounds and smells sights that make me feel like I was really there. I especially loved the way you described the women in their sari's. It was such a splash of color there in the jungle.

Another thing I like was the way that you used all the names of the local fruit and plants. It really provides authenticity to the story and makes someone want to find out more.

There is only one suggestion that I could make, and it's very small, just an afterthought really.

This one line seemed to interrupt the parade and might be placed somewhere else.

The little blonde girl’s eyes behind a thick hedge followed this young woman until she was past her vision.

Besides that it was a really great scene.

Good job.

kim

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73
73
Review by kim
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)

I love this!!! I hope you won. This is so good on just so many levels that I don't even know where to begin. You never interrupted the story with too much description but I knew exactly what everything looked like and could place every scene right down to the kitten playing on the floor.


The characters were three dimensional, interesting, intelligent and witty.

The plot was strong, and it kept my interest all the way through. I would read a whole book about this lovely Witch.

But where you out did yourself was the ending. Tying all the loose ends together that had been subtly sprinkled throughout the story and even adding a kicker! Bravo!

This is such a good story. It was a pleasure to read and review.

I just noted two tiny things that caught my attention listed below:

Willow lifted the cauldron's lid and peeked over the brim--I don't know if Willow is really short or the cauldron is really tall, but this sounded to me like she was on tiptoe to look over the the edge of the cauldron. Not a big deal, I just wasn't sure what you had intended.

far from the prying eyes of passersby(s)


That's it, the rest is perfect!!!
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Review by kim
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi,

This was a great little story. 1,000 words is tough to get anything across, but you did a good job. The story read well, the pace was good and it didn't feel over-worked but flowed nice and smooth. My mother was always super-punctual so I can relate the character pretty well.

The line below is the one that really caught may attention and I noticed that you repeated it 3 times which is a very satisfactory way to put forth your theme. It and a nice concise feel to it.

I was a little bit surprised. I tend to read fast and jump a head in my mind and I thought that the Homeless Guy (great name by the way) was going to cause him to be late, and in doing so, save his life. I don't know why I thought that, it's not from anything in the story. Just thought I'd mention it.

I like the way that Stanley finally found out that his life wasn't going to end just because he was late. And he showed himself to be human. Both good things.

I really didn't see anything that need attention or mistakes. All in all a nice tight story.

Thanks for the read.

kim



“It’s only a matter of time,” Homeless Guy would say each day before Stanley stepped on the bus.
75
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Review by kim
Rated: E | (4.0)
Wow. That was really a lead up. I had to take a few minutes to read think about this story. You provided a lot of tension and I didn't get too anxious till about the second to last paragraph. At first I was a little let down by the ending, then I thought back to the story and saw how intentional it all was. As I continued reading the ending it became more satisfying, a better pay-off than I thought at first.

It was good. The many ways that you said no place like home seemed natural and helped build the tension.

The only suggestion I would make, and you may have done it but I missed it, was little tiny clue, that this is about baseball. But it would have to be really tiny to not blow the ending.

All in all a great story.
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