This is the first review from ozarks3213 I enjoyed this story and hope that my comments are helpful.
My name is kim and this is my review system. Reviewers look at many different things when reading stories and poetry. I'm trying to take a balanced approach and comment on the big picture . Please remember, I'm a writer, just like you, and these are only my impressions. My ultimate goal is to be helpful and supportive. Thanks for sharing your work.
title:
I like the title since Beatrice was my grandmother's name. It's such a nice old fashioned name and really adds to the story.
first impressions:
Except for the shifts in tense, this story drew me in and I wanted to find out more about Beatrice.
what stands out:
An interesting story about an interesting person. She seems stuck in time although she has some pretty modern ideas. I think it would be very unusual for a woman in the late Victorian area to paint nudes.
description:
The description was good except for a few modern ideas or words.
setting:
The setting was good, I only have one suggestion. There are a few times that modern words or phrases slip in. For example "clothing line" is a pretty modern concept.
characters:
The characters were good, the only suggestion that I would make, is to find out a little more about Beatrice. She really is a mysterious character.
dialog:
N/A
ending:
The ending was good. How horrible that most of her work went up in flames. But it was great that some of it was saved.
what I liked best:
I think the setting on the cliffs over the Atlantic.
suggestions:
Tense is a tricky kind of thing and I noticed that the beginning of the story starts out in present tense, then switchs to past tense. I think it would be cleaner if the story were written all in past tense.
Here's the first paragraph totally in past tense.
The year was 1913. I had just moved into a beautiful Victorian home located in Newport, NJ. When I had first seen these homes, with their different designs, I fell in love with this place. My house was called a Queen Anne style, with towers, turrets and wrap around porches. The pathway, located behind the house, led to the cliffs. The view of the Atlantic Ocean was just spectacular! As the days went by, I was finally satisfied that I had my house the way I wanted it. To treat myself to a job well done, I went for a long walk along the cliffs, As I walked and enjoyed the view, I saw this beautiful woman painting. She didn't look up as I passed by, just concentrated real hard on her work. I decided to leave her alone, and continued on my way. I found out later, the beautiful lady of mystery was my neighbor. She said her name is Beatrice Turner.
It's me again, with a last cup of tea from your tea party from azuredreams and the Elven Tea Garden.
I really enjoyed the above poem, but wondered about the description, which said it was from your experience watching your daughter who is afflicted with bipolar disease. I had thought that the poem would be from your perspective.
I love the way you used sight and smell and touch to convey what she was thinking and feeling. My favorite line was:
Peace and tranquility,
can only be found;
behind the door,
no one can break down.
The only suggestion I would make for the poem is to separate it into stanzas, which would make it a little easier to read, and would help underline the content of different parts of the poem. All in all a good read.
Hi,
My name is kim and I'm here with another cup of tea from tS. R. Craig and the Elven Tea Garden.
I've looked through your portfolio and noticed another dark poem. Pretty depressing. But I can see that you have captured the feeling of despair and really illuminated how it must fee to be in such a deep depression.
There's was only one part that I didn't quite get, but I don't know much about poetry so that's not very surprising.
To me the depression is cold, and deep, slow-moving almost suffocating where you can't move or think, and that's the way most of the poem reads. But the stanzas below give me a totally different feeling and don't seem to go along with the theme of depression but more with a feeling of anger, which seems very different.
You try not to breathe.
Your heart races,
as your blood begins to seethe.
It boils through your veins.
Your heart weighs heavy,
through all its pains.
All in all a good poem. I think it could be even better with a little more imagery. Thanks for writing.
Hi,
My name is kim and I'm here with an early morning pot of tea! You're included in a tea party being thrown by S. R. Craig from the Elven Tea Garden.
First and foremost, I'm not a poet and do not know a whole lot about poetry, but I'm trying to learn.
This poem, I thought, was very well written. It felt like despair and hopelessness spiraling downward. The second to the last stanza felt a little like relief or letting go of the pain, but I was a little surprised by the concluding stanza. I have to admit that I read some of your other poems before reading this one, and with your Christian faith I thought it was an unusual choice to say "The blackness covers you, your soul is lost forever."
But it was a good poem and made me think. Thanks for writing.
My name is kim and I'm here from the Power Review group with a review for our monthly raid focused on Contests and Activities.
I don't think I have seen this contest before. But I love the idea. I only started writing fiction last year, before that I was much more into the factual kind. I did a lot of debate and forensics in high school and was a Political Science major in college and critical thinking and writing was a big part of that and I loved it. My mom bugged me to do it because she said that anyone who liked to argue as much as I did should learn to do it properly.
I love that you have this contest with a prompt and I will definitely keep this in mind and maybe give it a go in the near future.
There are a lot of similarities in fiction and non-fiction. In both types you are making your case for or against something.
The rules seem clear and easy to follow and the page is set up well and is easy to understand.
My name is kim and I'm here from the Power Review Raiders for our monthly raid.
I'm so glad I found your contest. I hadn't seen it before. I love that you are putting on a contest just for newbies, I was one myself not that long ago.
When I first came to WDC, contests were what I was looking for. I think that I and a lot of people really shine when there is competition involved. There is nothing as encouraging as winning or placing in a contest. It does a lot one's self esteem. And even if you don't win, you read the other entries and get back to work to try it again. At least that's been my experience.
I think the contest is well laid out, the rules are clear and easy to understand and all in all it seems really fair.
The thing that I liked best about your contest is that the entrants can ask questions or comment in the forum. I would have found that really helpful when I first started because there is so much new and different here on WDC,
Again, thanks for all you do and much success with your terrific contest!
My name is kim and I'm here from the Power Reviewers for our July raid. I'll be I'm not the first one to stop by today.
I had forgotten about this contest! I don't know how because it was one of my favorites. I really like that it's got a long entry period and no prompt except for the twist part. I think I might have something to enter.
The prizes are great and I really like the relaxed criteria for word count and previously written works.
I don't have a single suggestion to improve the contest. I think it's one of the best her on WDC.
My name is kim and I'm here from the Power Reviewers group for part of our July Review Raid! We're concentrating on contests and activities this month and I wanted to stop by and leave a review.
I love this contest. It is such a challenge to write a complete story in just dialog. I think that it's a terrific exercise. Writing clean, concise, believable dialog is a pretty daunting task by itself. But to be able to branch out and include description and action and plot in those little bits of talk can raise a writer's level way above the ordinary. I think every should try this contest at some point. It will help them focus on an important part of writing.
Things I really like about this contest:
That you include punctuation and grammar as elements. I think this is important to help new writers realize that there are some basic skills that have to be accomplished. The grammar and punctuation for dialog can be challenging but it is an important thing to master.
I like the prompts. It helps people focus and be creative.
All the rules are clear and easy to understand.
Suggestions:
The only suggestion that I would have is maybe to take on a couple of judges or a co-owner. I think that any contest requires a lot of work and dedication. When people enter (I know this from personal experience) they look forward to the results and they should be handed out in a timely fashion. If it gets to be too much of a job, maybe a little help would work out all the way around.
Thanks for running this contest. I think I'll be back soon to try my hand at it again.
My name is kim and I'm here with a review of the Flash Fiction Challenge from the Power Reviewers Group.
A long, long time ago, (actually last September) I joined WDC. I was just discovering writing and looking for a place to write and interact with other authors. I set up my port and started looking around for contests to enter.
I was not really too familiar with Flash Fiction, I knew a little about it and while I have always been most attracted to short stories, I thought I'd try my hand at this new more compact form.
Over the last year I've entered quite a few times, and actually have won a couple. But much more important than that, I've learned what it means to be able to craft a story in 300 words or less.
It forces a writer to hone their skills to a knife's edge, eliminating everything that doesn't move the story forward. It also requires a writer to find interesting ways to characterize and describe. And it makes an author really work to find out what the story is really about. These skills can't help but spill over to other longer works, and I know that this contest has really helped me grow as a writer.
I love this genre now. And I have to give the credit to the Daily Flash Fiction Challenge.
I'm a writer, just like you and hope that my review is helpful. All the comments below are just my opinions, and should be treated as such. Please feel free to use or ignore any of them. And now, on with the show......
First I have to say that I'm thoroughly enjoying this sci-fi novel. I think the world is so very believable and the characters so far are unique and interesting.
Since you asked for a review concentrating on plot and conflict I have outlined the action of this first chapter below.
Synopsis:
Scene 1
A lot of info about the base, description, setting
I found the beginning to be a little slow since the opening was a physical description of the base and it wasn't until the 11th paragraph that some action came into play. My suggestion would be to start with the action and weave in some of the base description while the action is taking place. Something should happen to really engage the reader within the first three paragraphs, I think.
Engagement with the nanobot cloud
This scene reads very well. Lots going on and lots to learn about. It moves forward quickly and is resolved quickly.
Find out it's a dream.
This was a little disappointing to me. There is such detail in the description of the physical setting and background information in the nanobot attack, that when looking back it doesn't really feel like a dream. I think for the dream sequence to work, that section should feel more ethereal, sketchier, less detail.
Scene 2
Meeting with Laina
This is the first, real time scene in the book and I like the way you characterize these two characters. Very believable. However, I wasn't quite clear about what was going on and why. It didn't seem to enlarge on what happened in the first scene and introduced some other non related action. But it also made me want to read further to find out more about this relationship.
Scene 3
Info about the mines
Good background information but not too much action.
Meeting between Victor and Daigri and Steve - Steve killed
More characters introduced. One dies. We find out a little about what their motivation is.
Plan to bring in hackers and blackmail on corporations.
The three parts of this scene work well together to give information about this section of the story.
I read this first chapter after reading the prologue. This is just my opinion, but I think there were so many interesting things that happened in the prologue you might want to start there as the first chapter. It was powerful and engaging and really showcased your skills in story telling. I think that would be agood hook to begin with.
This has been really entertaining to read and I'll be looking forward to reading the rest of the chapters you have posted.
I'm a writer, just like you and hope that my review is helpful. All the comments below are just my opinions, and should be treated as such. Please feel free to use or ignore any of them. And now, on with the show......
Title: Taking a Stand
Although it's a good title I think that something a little quirkier could work to reinforce the Steam Punk theme, which is kind of a strange genre.
Opening:
I liked the opening showing Ellie getting caught trying to enter the tunnels. A reader knows right off that she's a nonconformist and is willing to face the consequences of breaking the law. I like your use of the term constable because it puts the reader in mind of a turn of the century Bobby with a bowler hat and nightstick and big brass buttions.
Characters: I liked the characters, they were simply drawn and believable. The description of Josiah Jessup painted a good picture and I could actually see him. The one thing that really let me see Ellie was the knife strapped to her leg. I think a little more description of Ellie would have really brought her to life, what she was wearing, how she styled her hair. I think the Steam Punk venue is all about looks. I get a catalog, I can't remember the name, of exotic clothing. Steam Punk has been pretty big with them for the past couple of years and the costumes are fantasic, lots of lace and leather, kind of Victorian meets Metal if you know what I mean.
Dialog: The dialog was good. I wonder if a couple of made-up words might set it apart. I think when you have a group of insurgents, they might have some slang or code words that set them apart.
Plot:
I enjoyed the plot. The story moved forward at a good pace.
Closing: Left me wanting to know what happens next...which is a good thing.
Theme: Individual against society. Right v Wrong.
What I liked Best:
I think I liked the description of the constructs best. For some reason it reminded me of Modern Times with Charlie Chaplin. Machinery can be beautiful. I think the Steam Punk movement (if you can call it that) is based on the premise that we should fight the industrial revolution all over again, and it has some elements of fantasy, ala Frankenstein. I can't say that I really know very much about it, but visually it's very intriguing.
Suggestions:
His title may say Governor, but everyone in Capitol City new Dictator would have been more appropriate.
should be knew
I'm tired of letting people like Rourk controlling people like my parents who are too weak to actually do anything about it other than roll over!"
I find your work right up my alley! I'm fascinated with quantum mechanics and theoretical physics. i don't have the math skills to really delve into it and find that wrapping my brain around some of the theories difficult by very, very worthwhile. I know a little about String Theory and M Theory and always catch the latest updates from CERN.
I enjoyed your poem, I think you put in very simple terms, some of the strange and fantastic things that are happening in Quantum mechanics right now. I know the two major theories are in conflict and everyone is looking for Einsteins Theory of Everything. Won't it be fabulous when we have a breakthrough?
I watched "Through the Wormhole" with Morgan Freeman last night which touched on consciousness and the flexibility of time. I find all of this quite fascinating.
I only have one suggestion below.
"Is quite a fete"
I think you mean feat
fete - is french for party
Thanks for sharing this. I look forward to reading more of your work.
It's me again with your last cup of tea for your tea party from the Elven Tea Garden.
Some good poems for children. I like the scary monkey one the best. I think you're poems are great for kids, because you paint some good visual pictures and have a lot of repeated lines that kids love.
I like the Sea Monkey poem to. These poems are simple and bright. Good job.
It's me again, kim, with another cup of tea from cadame 's tea party. Our Elven Tea Garden is available for parties of any kind.
This is a good follow up chapter. We get a little better insight into Daniel's character. The details, like his smoking, are good. We also get some more background on his unhappy childhood, and information about the family dynamic.
Not only was he rejected by his father for his sister, but it appears that his mother thinks that he's responsible for his sister's death.
It's sad that his mother is in an institution, and the way you were able to integrate the back story about his sister dying was natural and didn't feel like it was out of place.
The most interesting part was the ending which leaves a question in the reader's mind. How does Daniel know Sister Dalia? What does she mean she won't last long after being discovered.
This ending leads the reader to turn the page and to want to know more of the story. Good job.
Couple of suggestions (very minor) below.
The nun stopped walking and looked back at him, with a look of despise on her face.
~Maybe disdain?
“Oh Daniel, my son!” she ran to him and hugged him, her arms around his body helding him close remembered him of those days when he was a young, hopeful boy and when his mother was still healthy and sane~Maybe "holding"
My name is kim and I'm here with a little cup of early morning tea (review) from the Elven Tea Garden. This review is part of a tea party in honor of cadame
I really like your opening chapter. What a great opportunity for me, to learn a little about another culture.
Your writing is clear and simple and to the point. I wouldn't worry too much about your English, it's as good or better than a lot of native English speakers I've read on here.
I think you are painting a very good picture of your character, someone who does not participate in life, but just watches it go by then writes about it.
I especially liked the way that you described the man in third person, then in the second half introduced another character in first person. This really adds legitimacy, it makes it sound so true and personal. I think you will really engage a reader right from the start.
I see you have a second chapter and will hurry over and read that one too.
I hope that you continue with this story. I think that you are a very good writer. I would love to be able to help you out if I can. Writing dot Com can be a pretty confusing place at times. It can be hard to find your way around. But there are so many contests and groups, that you can't ever get bored here.
Thanks for submitting your work for review. If I can help in any way, please let me know.
I'm a writer, just like you and hope that my review is helpful. All the comments below are just my opinions, and should be treated as such. Please feel free to use or ignore any of them. And now, on with the show......
Title: Majesty's Offspring
I love the title, unusual and thought provoking
Opening:
“Are you just going to stand there gaping or are you going to ask me some questions, pendejo?” General Hugo Valdez said.
This is a very effective opening. I love pendejo, and the rest of the spanish profanities. Well, you know what I mean. The opening with the interview does a very effective job of unveiling this character. You get to hear him talk about himself in a very natural way and it's a terrific way of weaving in the back-story without a hint of artifice. Great job!
Characters:
Both character were very believable. The General, bigger than life and the reporter a little bit of a scared rabbit. Good foils for each other since there is such a contrast between them. The physical action of each reinforces their personalities.
Dialog:
So, when they enlisted me into the war, I suppose you could say that it was a no-brainer.” ~I love this line! All the dialog is top notch.
Plot:
Since this is a prologue, the job is to inform the reader about past conflict and hint at the story to come. This was very well done.
Closing:
Leaves a question in the readers mind. Did the interview really take place the way the reporter captured it? Or is there something else going on here, a conspiracy? A good ending for the prologue which would encourage a reader to continue.
Theme:
Man v Man? Man v Machine? I think we'll see when we get into the actual story.
What I liked Best:
The General. You've created an unique character with a lot of interesting characteristics. The whole story was very easy to picture.
Suggestions:
The reporter rubbed the back of his neck and began to wonder if he should cut the interview short. This wasn’t exactly going where he wanted it to.
~go? (I think you left out a word.)dangling participle? I do this all the time.
Punctuation:
“The medical nanobots used to fix you,” the reporter half-said, half-asked. ~I think I'd use a question mark rather than a comma, I know that he half-said, half-asked, but I just felt a question mark would make the dialog stronger.
They actually managed to piece together the pieces of brain and skull that still littered my apartment when my wife and kids returned.
I think you need a period after apartment,and delete "when my wife and kids returned." Without it there's a strange connection between the bits of brain and skull and when my wife and kids returned.
All in all a great story. I would definitely continue reading this. Thanks for writing!
It's me with a Member to Member Review for Rising Stars.
I really like it your story. The first sentence "As the fifth child in a string of six" really caught my attention and reminded me of a string of pearls. In fact I really like your description all the way through the story. It's very conversational but also well reasoned.
I'm sure that most people remember their first lie. I know that I do. The crushing guilt and terror of being found out made me just want to spill my guts. When I finally did such a feeling of relief washed over me I swore I'd never do it again. I think you did a great job of capturing these emotions. They are so overwhelming because they are unknown until that time, totally new kinds of feelings. Just like joy and sadness and anger, when you're little those feelings just take you over they're so powerful.
I think that it was kind of funny that the guilt followed you the rest of the summer and into the fall. And I like the conclusion that you came to that it just wasn't worth it to appear perfect when it was done through lies and deceit. That little voice inside us that tells us to do the right think speaks clearer and louder to children.
I thought your story was well told and had a very good conclusion. I enjoyed it thoroughly.
I don't have any suggestions for improvement--and I'm being "Perfectly Honest."
My name is kim and I'm here to do a Member to Member review for Rising Stars.
I was excited to see that you had a lot of Flash Fiction in your port. It's really one of my favorite genres. I try my hand at it now and then and I've seen your stories in the Daily Flash Fiction Contest.
The comments below are just my opinions, and as such should be taken with a big grain of salt. Please feel free to use or ignore any advice offered.
I think with any fiction it's important to start with an inciting incident, and in flash fiction it down right necessary. I love the first line:
"The rifle dropped to the ground, now that Ed Johnson was no longer there to hold it.
Two minutes earlier, the large craft had landed in front of his remote, hillside farmhouse. Loud engine sounds and bright flashing lights supported his barking dog’s assertion that there was something outside that needed immediate attention."
The only suggestion that I have for this second paragraph is to substitute " large craft" for "the large craft", because, to me, the use of the says that I should already know something about the craft. It just reads a little off for me.
It paints such a real and dramatic occurrence, you have to keep reading to find out what could possibly happen next.
I think the tone is crisp and smooth and compliments the content of the story. You've made this scene, dramatic as it is, very believable by not over playing the drama.
I also like the way you weave a little flashback in right after the opening. It really works with this story.
The rest of the story reads just as it should. Of course the dog would be named old Duke and the wife would be Thelma. I think you did a good job of using small details to let the reader know what the setting was.
I just had one comment on comma placement, and I'm not sure if I'm right or not. In the following sentence
From her perch behind an old stump, she pumped round after round into the large silver, cylindrical craft.
I don't think you need a comma separating these adjectives since they are not interchangeable. I took the comma-sense class, but I'll be darned if I remember all the rules, but something struck me that that comma might not be necessary.
All in all a very nice flash story. Putting together a complete story in 300 words is hard work, but you make it look effortless. Thanks for the read.
It's me again with your last cup of tea from ~WhoMe???~ 's tea party.
I think this is a great endeavor, I think that everyone on WDC loves a contest and a lot of contests don't allow poetry so I bet you'll have a lot of takers.
I really like the way you have set up this contest, not too many rules and easy to enter. I might enter one of mine.
Anyway, good luck with the contest. and good luck with the judging, I'll bet that will be quite a job.
Sorry I didn't get to a review until today. We have so much going on right now that I have to sneak a little time on WDC when I can.
This is a wonderful little story. Very unusual and I think the description is terrific. It's very easy to follow, and I like that you made this Christmas story about what Christmas should be about, Heaven and not Santa Claus.
It had a dream-like quality, which just reinforces what the story is about. Where did you get the name Trohpimus? It made me want to google it and find out who this angel was. I don't think I've ever heard this name before.
I like the way that you balance good with bad. That there is always a battle going on in heaven, good v, evil.
I think the description that I like best is the description of the Temple. Glass floors? How cool. And your description of the doors one engraved with crystal planets and stars and the other granite.
At the end of the story one could look at it as dream, and one could also think that it really happend.
I found a couple of problem areas and marked them below.
He didn't blink[,] happy in his own imagination. --I think you need a comma here otherwise the the meaning is that he didn't blink happily.
Then simply obeyed.--This is an incomplete sentence and doesn't have a subject.. I think you need a "he". Then he simply obeyed.
until he fainted out of view. --Typo I think you need to replace fainted with faded.
All in all a good read. I t made me want to know what happened next. Did he tell his mom? Did she believe him? Did he remember it the rest of his life. That is a sign of a good story, to get the reader to want to know more.
Sorry again, that this took so long for me to get to.
My name is kim and I'm here from the Showering Acts of Joy group to spread a little joy your way.
I liked your story. The first line begins the tension and it doesn't let up until the very end. The description is good and it is simple and easy to follow.
I like that you get your character in a lot of trouble, then ratchet it up a notch, then some more and you finally find a way out for him. Just text book.
The ending is very satisfying, because even though your character is out of immediate danger, it's obvious that there's more ahead. The last line makes me want to read more.
I only found a couple of typos and I noted them below. Once again, great job.
Hobson landed on his back[insert space]on the floor of the pit.
A skeleton laid [lay?] a few feet away
Good doggy... thing,” Hobson cooed, “Sit.”--I love this line.
I saw your note in the Cache forum and thought "What a good chance to do a Rising Stars Member to Member Review."
This is a wonderful character driven story. The POV character's voice is loud and clear. Is the setting South Africa? The reason I ask, is the reference to the 'January sunshine.'
I can see that you begin right in the beginning of the resolution and the reader gets to experience how this life changing choice affects the protagonist. We get her background clearly, and why she has decided to make this decision. Altogether, a good plot.
I've made some suggestions below, just ideas really, from an American point of view, that might make the story a little stronger for a more international audience.
But all in all, I really liked this.
The first paragraph, or opening was a little bit confusing for me, mostly because it starts with information about a college's schedule and classes and it took me a little while to sort it in my mind. I think you could make this stronger by focusing on how she hates that professor and why. I think it would really generate some heat, which the reader could immediately fee.
B.Mus. This was a little confusing to me as well, not being a music major. Maybe if you spelled it out the first time, it would be natural feeling when you used it later.
Those are the only areas that I think need a little bit of work, and those are just my opinions feel free to use our discard.
I enjoyed the story and it seemed longer than the word count, which in my mind means you did a good job of developing the characters and plot.
My name is kim and I'm glad to be here and reviewing this story for Rising Stars Member to Member Reviews.
I really enjoyed this story. I know that it was written in a short amount of time and with a short word count. I think you did a marvelous job, it's light, witty and very funny. My comments below are only my thoughts.
Title and Short Description:
I have to say you've captured three of my favorite genres in one fell swoop, historical romance, flash fiction and comedy. It took my mind a second to capture what was happening during the duel, but the fault and not yours, since you set up the title and short description to foreshadow the story. I think in flash fiction you have to use every single tool at your disposal to tell your story, and you set this one up perfectly.
There is only one thing I would change in this area of the story.
I think in the short description I might have left out the LOL for a couple of reasons:
1. It feels little to modern for the historical romance theme.
2. "A heartwarming tale of Prince meets Prince" really sets up what happens, vividly, and the LOL seems to steal a little of that punch.
Characters:
What can I say. I can picture these two dandies in their tight breeches, derriere to derriere in the early morning light. They both have authentic voices.
Dialog:
This is my favorite line in the story - "Bad form!" - I can just see the indignation!
And my second favorite - "And had you not been sashaying down the street like a drunken fop, you would not have been soiled!" I don't know why but the word soiled really gets me. I had to laugh when I read that.
I'm sure we can find a mutual ... accommodation, shall we say ... for our differences." - I love the double entendre of the word accommodation.
Description:
I think that this is the area where this story shines. "Pouty lips the color of apples, warm brown eyes ... I say!" - A very pleasing line of interior dialog.
Some suggestions:
These are only things that struck after reading it several times. No major mistakes or anything, just some thoughts that I had.
"The fog lazily lifted" - A lot of people think that every ly adverb should be banished. I'm not one of them. But I do think that the opening line of a short short should really nail it home and this sentence could be a little stronger and more concrete
"The tone of Reginald's voice was ... Is he laughing?" - I know that "is he laughing?" is in italics and denotes interior thought. But that made me wonder who was saying the first part of the sentence. I know that it should be Chatsworth since he's the pov character. I really don't know how this should be handled. It's not a criticism, because I think I have seen the italics used for emphasis like this in other historical fiction.
All in all, a very enjoyable piece of short fiction. Thanks for sharing!
My name's kim and I saw your review request in the Talent Pond forum and thought I'd check out one of your stories.
The beginning of this is exceptional. I really love sci-fi, and you have done a very convincing job of leading a reader into your world. The description is really first rate.
Even his voice was honey on silk. ~ Lovely
plush chair upholstered in garish plum. ~ a little onamonapoetic, cool.
In fact, I really don't see a thing wrong with this story, except that it seems unfinished.
You've done a great job of introducing the problem, but how does it get solved?
Does she find him a mate? Or is this her first failure?
If she does find him a mate is it just like him? or a complete opposite?
I think this is a terrific beginning and I would love to find out how it all turns out.
Thanks for the great read.
kim
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. Please remember, I'm a writer, just like you, and these are only my impressions. My ultimate goal is to be helpful and supportive. Thanks for sharing your work.
