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26
26
Rated: E | (4.5)
This Is A Review By Krystxn*. Remember, Everything I Write Is Just My Opinion. Feel Free To Listen To / Ignore Anything I May Say


Hello Again, ! Sorry this has taken so long! Some other things came up that I had to attend to *Smile* But here I am and here is your review!

My review will be broken into 3 categories: My First Impression ( What I think before I read ), My Thoughts While Reading ( Self Explanitory ) and My Suggestions ( What I think you could change / improve ) I hope you find this review helpful! Let's read, shall we?

My First Impression: I have read your little explanation at the top and I already love the idea *Bigsmile* Did you come up with this all on your own? I have a feeling this may be just as good as Death *Laugh* *Reading*

My Thoughts While Reading: I absolutely loved loved loved reading this! I simply loved your ideas and your characters and everything about it *Bigsmile*

I didn't even see that many places that needed a comma, either! This is much improved, and very well done!

As you can tell already, I am a BIG fan of dragon stories. I loved that her Cousin took the form of a dragon. Very interesting, i loved it!! *Heart*

My Suggestions: Sorry to say that I do have a few suggestions for this, but not many.

I will tell you a story of the King and Queen, would you like that? *RIGHT* "I will tell you a story of the King and Queen, would you like that? "
*Note1* I added quotations since the character is speaking. You may also want to do this when she starts and ends her story.

COMMAAASS!!!!

A story Grandmother *Right* A story, Grandmother

"You are still sick Daoud *Right* "You are still sick, Daoud

<What's wrong Rollie?> *Right* <What's wrong, Rollie?>

<It is because we ARE Rollie.> *Right* <It is because we ARE, Rollie.>

it takes too much energy he says *Right* it takes too much energy, he says

Just before dusk set in a beautiful song came from out of the trees *Right* Just before dusk set in, a beautiful song came from out of the trees

On my watch near the next morning's light I watched a small pink pig trundle into camp *Right*On my watch near the next morning's light, I watched a small pink pig trundle into camp

That's all i could find for now. This is much better than Death ( As far as commas. Both stories are equally as great! ) I give this ... *Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar* 4.5 Stars. YAY! Great job. I will definitely return to read more in your port soon *Smile* I really enjoyed reading this. ( And might I also add that I loved the names you chose. )

You are not a pest and I would be glad to help you with anything else you need *Bigsmile* Keep Writing!



Krystxn * WorkingOnStargazer !

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27
Review of Death  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This Is A Review By Krystxn*. Remember, Everything I Write Is Just My Opinion. Feel Free To Listen To / Ignore Anything I May Say


Hey there, Daine Winters ! Thank you for choosing a review from my forum *Smile*

My review will be broken into 3 categories: My First Impression ( What I think before I read ), My Thoughts While Reading ( Self Explanitory ) and My Suggestions ( What I think you could change / improve ) I hope you find this review helpful! Let's read, shall we?

My First Impression: Your description sounds pretty interesting, I know that some readers are drawn in to read about death. I have read the first sentence and I will be honest, I feel compelled to read more, but it is not an overwhelming urge. *Reading*

My Thoughts While Reading: I couldn't help but find myself smiling as it came closer to the end *Smile* What a wonderful story. At first, I had my doubts, but it all changed once I was finished. I think it was a perfect happy ending!

I liked how you mixed Death and Father Christmas and the Roman / Greek Gods together. That's quite an interesting mix that I've never seen before.

You had some really good ideas in this. The different forms Death can take is very interesting, depending on how the person's society sees them. I also like the idea of how Death always has it as Winter outside of his window, and his reason for it was very good, too.

I think it makes perfect sense, I think there were several places where a comma, period or word could have been added. So it needed slight work.

My Suggestions:
Biting her lip, Amanda leaned forward and kissed him on the lips. *Right* Biting her lip, Amanda leaned forward and kissed him.
*Note1* This was the first thing I noticed. You used the word lip twice in that sentence. I feel by removing the last few words, the sentence makes the same sense without being too repetitve. Does it sound better to you? You do not have to specify where she is kissing him, since most people would automatically assume it is a kiss on the lips, especially with your description afterwards of the kiss. I do not think someone would get those kind of feelings from kissing someone on the hand or cheek *Smile*

"Wow, talk about a cruel fate."
*Note2* Did the main character say this outloud? Just wondering. I personally think it would be better as a thought.

"Wow there tiger! *Right* "Woah there tiger!
*Note3* I changed Wow to Woah because i feel it makes more sense *Smile*

What the hell kind of a stupid joke is this?" *Right* What the hell? What kind of a stupid joke is this?"
*Note4* I changed these into 2 sentences because I felt the first sentence didn't make a whole lot of sense.

Her eyes flew open at the unfamiliar word /// with a deep breath she peeled one eye open.
*Note5* These sentences confused me. In paragraph 13 you say her eyes fly open, but in paragraph 14 you say she slowly peels one eye open. Aren't her eyes already open by paragraph 14? You may want to clear this up.

That's it for all of the quesitons and spelling errors, let's move on to the commas and periods:

The voice came out of the skull and yes she was close enough to know now that this was no costume. *Right* The voice came out of the skull and yes(,) she was close enough to know now that this was no costume.

I've got an appointment in Buenos Aires I need to get to as soon as possible *Right* I've got an appointment in Buenos Aires(.) I need to get to as soon as possible

"Look I'm on a schedule and I apologize for this but I've got to get you on your way now. *Right* "Look(,) I'm on a schedule and I apologize for this but I've got to get you on your way now.

Amanda realized that no this wasn't some horrid nightmare she was still dead and in the custody of Death himself. *Right* Amanda realized that(,) no(,) this wasn't some horrid nightmare(.) She was still dead and in the custody of Death himself.

Come on I've got other appointments to make why don't you tell me whether you would like to go to heaven or if you would prefer reincarnation." *Right* Come on(,) I've got other appointments to make(.) Why don't you tell me whether you would like to go to heaven or if you would prefer reincarnation."

Well great do you realize... *Right* Well great(,) do you realize...

I hope I have given you enough examples *Smile* There was about one sentence in each paragraph or so that could have used a comma. But unfortunately I am running out of time and cannot list them all. If you would like me to come back and send you an e-mail with all of the sentences, I would be more than happy to! Anything to help a fellow writer.

I hope you found this helpful and I did not appear rude to you at all by pointing things out. I am simply dedicated to helping writers become better with their work. I give your work ... *Star**Star**Star**Star* 4 Stars *Smile* Not bad! I think the sentences just need to be fixed up. But otherwise, I think the pace was good, the characters were believable, your dialogue was well done and it was a pleasure to read! I look forward to seeing more from you someday. Keep Writing!


Krystxn * WorkingOnStargazer !

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28
Rated: E | (4.5)
This Is A Review By Krystxn*. Remember, Everything I Write Is Just My Opinion. Feel Free To Listen To / Ignore Anything I May Say


Hello, Silver Girl ! I see that you are relatively new to the website. I hope that you have a wonderful time here. Everyone is so nice and helpful *Bigsmile*

My review will be broken into 3 categories: My First Impression ( What I think before I read ), My Thoughts While Reading ( Self Explanitory ) and My Suggestions ( What I think you could change / improve ) I hope you find this review helpful! Let's read, shall we?

My First Impression: Usually, I do not read poems because I am not a poet. Poetry has always been some I've struggled with, but I just couldn't resist a poem with the title: You Can't Eat the Books in the Library *Laugh* I have a feeling this will be a pleasure to read *Reading*

My Thoughts While Reading:*Laugh* What an absolutely adorable poem! I simply loved it. While reading this in my mind I was picturing reading it from a large collection of children's poems. Maybe someday it will be featured in such a book?

I don't really have a favorite part for this, I just loved the whole thing. It ryhmed ( Is that how it's spelt? ) very well and had a very bouncy pace.

It was a pleasure to read *Smile*

My Suggestions: Now I didn't really see anything wrong - with one exception.

"How did YOU see him?" he asked. *Right* "How do YOU see him?" he asked.
*Note1* Notice how I changed "did to do because the way you had it written before made it seem like the librarian saw him once, and he is no longer visible to her. Unless that is true, you may want to change it from past to present tense.

Overall, I give it ... *Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar* 4.5 Stars. Magnificent! I look forward to seeing more poetry from you *Smile* Keep Writing!


Krystxn * WorkingOnStargazer !

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Review of untiltled  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This Is A Review By Krystxn*. Remember, Everything I Write Is Just My Opinion. Feel Free To Listen To / Ignore Anything I May Say


Hello, Max ! I see that you are new to the website. I hope that you have a wonderful time here on Writing.com. The people are all very nice and helpful *Bigsmile*

My review will be broken into 3 categories: My First Impression ( What I think before I read ), My Thoughts While Reading ( Self Explanitory ) and My Suggestions ( What I think you could change / improve ) I hope you find this review helpful! Let's read, shall we?

My First Impression: I was drawn into this by your description. ( That, and the fact that i practically stalk the fantasy page looking for good items to review! *Laugh* ) Yours was the first on the list and i see that you are new here so i would like to offer my honest opinion on what you have written *Smile*

I can't wait to read! *Reading*

My Thoughts While Reading: This was very interesting and a great start. The ending is very suspenseful and it makes you want to read on, which is the whole point of the prologue *Smile*

I love your ancient language. For some reason i can never come up with a language, no matter how hard I try! So congrats to you for creating one *Smile*

I thought it was unfortunate how the old lady died *Frown* The young woman is rather nasty, isn't she?

My Suggestions: I noticed a few things, but not many:

mage *Right* mages
*Note1* because you there are multiple mages in the world you have created, the word mage should be plural. Found in the sentence: Unlucky for them, the old lady was one of the strongest mage.

apart *Right* a part
*Note2* For some reason at the moment my mind cant think of a way to explain to you why this was an error ... but just trust me, it is *Smile* Found in this sentence: And also make me apart of these creatures’ lives

Those were the only errors i found. Well done! I give this ... *Star**Star**Star**STar**Halfstar*! Great! *Bigsmile* I thought it was a really good read. If you write more and would like me to review, please don't hesitate to e-mail! Keep Writing!

Krystxn * WorkingOnStargazer !

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Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This Is A Review By Krystxn*. Remember, Everything I Write Is Just My Opinion. Feel Free To Listen To / Ignore Anything I May Say


hello, Georgianna Lyn d'Juracetys ! My review will be broken into 3 categories: My First Impression ( What I think before I read ), My Thoughts While Reading ( Self Explanitory ) and My Suggestions ( What I think you could change / improve ) I hope you find this review helpful! Let's read, shall we?

My First Impression: Hmm, i think you've now put that question into my head as well. I would have never thought about that. I'd like to see your thoughts and reasons, and perhaps add a comment or two of my own. *Reading*

My Thoughts While Reading: You did make some very good points in your writing. But one thing that comes to mind when i first read your question are the vampires of "twilight"

Its been a while since i read the books, but once the vampires become immortal don't their internal organs stop working? Isn't that why the blond vampire ( Rosalie? ) can't have a child? Because she no longer goes through menstruation, a usual thing that occurs in living humans. It is as if their bodies are made of stone. So maybe their bladders stop working as well?

Now, by saying this i'm sure you're wondering "Where does the blood they drink goooo!!??!!??" And to this, i honestly have to say, I don't know. Maybe there are bathroom breaks, the author just never writes about them *Pthb* We'll never know. It would be an awkward thing to write about, wouldn't it? I know i certainly would leave that part out.

As for the Gator thing, i don't believe that the vampire would get drunk because the blood no longer flows in their systems, and doesn't the alcohol have to get into the bloodstream?

My Suggestions: None! I enjoyed this and it created a good laugh *Laugh*

I hope you enjoy my comments. I know i didn't have a lot to say but that's because i am young and am actually not a ginormous fan of vampire stories.

Now you got me thinking! Keep Writing!

Krystxn * WorkingOnStargazer !

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31
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
This Is A Review By Krystxn*. Remember, Everything I Write Is Just My Opinion. Feel Free To Listen To / Ignore Anything I May Say *Smile*


Hello, ookamishi ! My review will be broken into 3 categories: My First Impression ( What I think before I read ), My Thoughts While Reading ( Self Explanitory ) and My Suggestions ( What I think you could change / improve ) I hope you find this review helpful! Let's read, shall we?

My First Impression: I really liked the description of this piece, it was what pulled me in. I'll admit i've already read the first sentence and i'm interested *Blush* I want to know what is making the sky "blacker than night, even though it should have been about midday" Ohh, i can't wait to read! *Reading*

My Thoughts While Reading: I thought this was a very interesting start to your story, it was full of suspence, although a little confusing at parts - will explain in a moment.

I like your idea, it seems like a very fantasy-ish piece and I love fantasy *Smile* I like how you include dark angels, demons, vampires monsters etc. Its full of variety, and the possibilities are endless.

My Suggestions: Ok, time for my suggestions *Smile* As i had said before, i found things to be a little confusing:

The young woman screamed,
*Note1* I found myself wondering who the young woman was, where she had come from and how she had ended up there. I know this adds to the mystery and suspense of the prologue, so you may or may not want to clarify.

A gasp. A sigh
*Note2* This part confused me. Is it really needed? who was gasping? who was sighing? why?

in his right hand appeared a sword,
*Note3* Where did the sword come from? ( Or, if you would like to write more: ) What does it look like?

The leafless trees above spun around
*Note4* I don't quite understand this sentence as well. Are you saying the trees moved?

*Note5* The only other thing i would like to ask is what is the significance of the black sky? Is it because the blood-drinker was near? You may also want to clarify that.

An error:

“your blood will be my meal.” *Right* “Your blood will be my meal.”
*Note6* Capatalize "Your"

Finally, the last thing i would like to say is that the ending doesn't seem to be appropriate for a prologue. You may want to add something at the end that catches the readers attention and makes them want to read further. Something such as:

“Th-thank you.” she hesitated to say. The figure said nothing in return. He stood and stared at her while she wept silently at his feet. Then, he was gone.

That, of course, is a very quick suggestion. I know you can think of something better, or perhaps elaborate on my example?

Overall, not bad. I give it ... *Star**Star**STar**Star* 4 Stars, Good job! But there's always room for improvement! If you write more and would like me to read and review, please don't hesitate to e-mail! Keep Writing!


Krystxn * WorkingOnStargazer !

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32
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This Is A Review By Krystxn*. Remember, Everything I Write Is Just My Opinion. Feel Free To Listen To / Ignore Anything I May Say


Hello, Darius J. Creed ! My review will be broken into 3 categories: My First Impression ( What I think before I read ), My Thoughts While Reading ( Self Explanitory ) and My Suggestions ( What I think you could change / improve ) I hope you find this review helpful! Let's read, shall we?

My First Impression: I don't know why, but i love it when friends get together and create a story together, sometime the outcome can be rather halarious *Laugh* It seems short, to start. But i do see that you say it is to be continued so i will ignore the shortness for this review. I can't wait to read! *Reading*

My Thoughts While Reading: Wow, this was so random! *Laugh* I love random, but i found it a little hard to follow. It was funny, nonetheless. I felt it could have used some work, though.

I'm guessing somebody likes to play xbox? I personally have no skills at it - I've tried *Frown*

My Suggestions: There were several errors, All are in bold:

I think I hear a chocolate chip cookie calling me. yep thats a chocolate chip cookie, the crumbling sound, the sweet smell. Mmmmm.. okay It's worth getting out of bed for. I won't let it fall, unless it falls in my mouth hehheehhhe. So I ate my cookie, ha ha ? And men I brushed my teeth, cause I had chocolate chips all in my mouth. Gross!! After brushing my teeth I went to the too and brushed all the animals teeth because they had eaten cookies as well. And then the zoo keeper yelled at me because all the animals died since I used trident and not kolgate then master cheif pop out of a flesh eating zombie that came over with diareha and and had 1000 backs! And with the Arby's hat over each spinal coloum! Then Chuck Norris popped out with a round house kick to 1 of the 1000 backs, killing it instantly! Then upchucked the cookies. Then I ran up to Chuck Norris to thank him and as soon I got to his face a fist came out from his beard! Everything went dim.................... I woke up suddenly in the lions cage and as poor Lisa the Lion slept, I felt my organs slowly shrink, I turned pale as if I was struck by lighting. Slowly cauthously if creeped up towards the cage exit. Help...I whispered. Help

Now, it may seem like a lot, but it actually isn't. A majority are all just small simple errors.

yep *Right* Yep
*Note1* Should be capatalized

And men I brushed ... *Right* And man, I brushed ...
*Note2* Note the word change and comma, does it make more sense?

cause *Right* 'cause OR because
*Note3* because cause is a short form, there should be an apostrophe before it. Or you could always change it to "because"

too *Right* zoo

animals *Right* animals'
*Note4* Because you are talking about several animals and several teeth, you must add an apostrophe at the end to make it posessive.

all the *Right* all of the
*Note5* There is nothing wrong with what you had written before, I just think it sounds better the way i have it written.

kolgate *Right* colgate

diareha *Right* diarrhea

coloum *Right* column

lions *Right* lion's
*Note6* Because you are talking about something that belongs to the lion, you should add the apostrophe to make it posessive.

Slowly cauthously if *Right* Slowly, cautiously, I
*Note1* Note all of the changes i have made to these words. I added two commas, and corrected two words.

Help...I whispered. Help *Right* "Help..." I whispered. "Help"
*Note2* Since a character is speaking, there should be quotations.

I hope i did not appear rude in any way by pointing these out. You may ignore these, since i understand that you wrote this with your friends and it is merely for fun *Laugh* But maybe you will take my suggestions for your future writing?

I give it ... *Star**Star**Star**Halfstar* 3.5 Stars, not bad. I hope you continue to have fun writing this with your friends *Smile* There are no limits to your writing! Keep Writing!


Krystxn * WorkingOnStargazer !

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33
Rated: E | (4.0)
This Is A Review By Krystxn*. Remember, Everything I Write Is Just My Opinion. Feel Free To Listen To / Ignore Anything I May Say *Smile*


Hello, catgirl123 ! My review will be broken into 3 categories: My First Impression ( What I think before I read ), My Thoughts While Reading ( Self Explanitory ) and My Suggestions ( What I think you could change / improve ) I hope you find this review helpful! Let's read, shall we?

My First Impression: This is written rather differently than many things i have seen here on the website. Is it meant to be written like a play? Wow, this is different. I can't wait to read! *Reading*

My Thoughts While Reading: *Laugh* this was very humourous *Laugh* I liked how you added the emotions and faces of the characters by using icons. However, i thought that it isn't exactly right to be a read item. In my head i was picturing a very anime television show *Smile* If you just elaborated a little more, added a little more dialogue / description and put more things for your characters to do, it could be a very cute script.

My Suggestions: Perhaps make this scene a little longer? Since it was so short. There were a few errors:

Its so cool! *Right* It's so cool!
*Note1* I just added an apostrophe to the word "its" so that it makes sense in the sentence *Smile*

*takes out chain* hi-ya! *hits self in the face with the chains and falls backwards*
*Note2* This part confused me. What is the chain? Why did they take it out? Who took out the chain? Who are they saying hello to? You may want to clarify *Confused*

OMG SOMEONE HELP
*Note3* Since this is a writing website, you may not want to use things like "omg" and "idk" or "lol" in your work because it seems less proffesional.

The only other thing i am wondering is if the older members on the website will understand what the **'s mean. *Pthb* They probably will, but i know for a fact that if my mother was reading this, she wouldn't understand. ( I am a young teen )

Overall, not bad. I give it ... *Star**Star**Star**Star* 4 Stars *Smile* Certainly not what i was expecting. I look forward for more Poptropica ( I love that name! ) Adventures! Keep Writing!


Krystxn * WorkingOnStargazer !

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Review of Fey  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This Is A Review By Krystxn*. Remember, Everything I Write Is Just My Opinion. Feel Free To Listen To / Ignore Anything I May Say


Hello, C. Brooks ! My review will be broken into 3 categories: My First Impression ( What I think before I read ), My Thoughts While Reading ( Self Explanitory ) and My Suggestions ( What I think you could change / improve ) I hope you find this review helpful! Let's read, shall we?

My First Impression: I'm drawn into this by the title. Fey. I am a lover of fantasy stories, and i'm sure i can guess what this story is going to be about *Wink* I have already read your first few sentences, and i will admit that i am interested. I can't wait to read! *Reading*

My Thoughts While Reading: Wow, this was not what I had expected. I had guessed half of it right *Bigsmile* But i was not expecting the ending, well done, you caught me off guard.

I liked the description of the inhuman creature. What was she?

You described everything very well in good detail, i didn't notice any spelling errors, but i do have a few suggestions to make.

My Suggestions: My only suggestions have to do with commas. Now, i am not a very experienced writer, but i believe that my suggestions will help your story flow better and make more sense.

The sea of empty warehouses that I am lost in almost seem to sing as the water hits the metal, and broken glass windows. *Right* The sea of empty warehouses that I am lost in almost seem to sing as the water hits the metal and broken glass windows.
*Note1* I feel like the comma in that sentence is not needed and it makes much more sense without it. Do you agree?

“I can smell the poison in you human,” *Right* “I can smell the poison in you, human,”

Yes I am going to kill you,” *Right* Yes, I am going to kill you,”
*Note2* If i could just add a note here, perhaps you could have the main character think he / she is going to die, because the way that you have this sentence it is as if she is agreeing with them. If not, then maybe remove the word "yes."

She was right it was perfect. *Right* She was right, it was perfect.

You should have taken the fruit with you, and never tasted of it. *Right* You should have taken the fruit with you, and never tasted it.
*Note3* Notice how i removed the word "of", It does not work for this sentence. Perhaps if you were saying "heard of it", but because you are saying "tasted", it is not needed.

*Note4* My last suggestion would be to maybe add more thoughts of the main character while they lay dying, since that is the most dramatic part.

Overall, not bad, very shocking. I give it ... *Star**Star**Star**Star* 4 Stars *Smile* Well Done! Just perfect your writing and you'll get a higher score next time, I promise! We all have room for improvement *Smile* Keep Writing!


Krystxn * WorkingOnStargazer !

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Review of A Quest  
Rated: E | (3.5)
This Is A Review By Krystxn*. Remember, Everything I Write Is Just My Opinion. Feel Free To Listen To / Ignore Anything I May Say *Smile*


Hello, Nayen ! I see that you are new to the website, I hope you have a wonderful time here, the people are all so nice and helpful *Bigsmile*

My review will be broken into 3 categories: My First Impression ( What I think before I read ), My Thoughts While Reading ( Self Explanitory ) and My Suggestions ( What I think you could change / improve ) I hope you find this review helpful! Let's read, shall we?

My First Impression: The first thing I notice right away is the font you chose *Laugh* I have not seen many pieces with a different font. Congrats for being original! *Thumbsup*

Other than that, it looks like a good length for a preface, perhaps a little short, I can't really tell because it is spaced out so much.

I have read the first few sentences and I am interested. I can't wait to read! *Reading*

My Thoughts While Reading: This was a very good opening to our story. Very dramatic and suspenseful, which makes the reader want to continue reading. Well done.

I thought it was interesting how the words "NayenKoan" were on the inside of the Queen's ring. I thought it was original, and interesting how you created another language. - which I have tried before ... to no avail.

I did notice a couple of errors, however.

My Suggestions: As mentioned, there were a couple of errors throughout the story. I will try my best to point them out.

A stormy night, the clouds are a deep deep shade of black. *Right* It is a stormy night, the clouds are a deep shade of black.
*Note1* This is more of a suggestion than a correction. I feel that by changing the words at the beginning, it starts the story more smoothly than simply saying "A Stormy Night". I also removed one of the "deeps". I felt it was not needed.

Rain is pouring down like buckets are being dumped on the kingdom. *Right* Rain is pouring down like buckets being dumped on the kingdom.
*Note2* Also another suggestion. I think the sentence sounds much better if you remove the word "are"

,"but alas, this is the woe of a woman Penceal, *Right* ,"but alas, this is the woe of a woman, Penceal,
*Note3* I think that there should be a comma before you introduce the name of the character, just so the readers know that it is a name, and not something else. I was confused by this, so you may want to add that comma to avoid more future confusion.

They took a left,than a right,then another right,then down some stairs to turn again and go up more stairs. *Right* They took a left, a right, another right, then down some stairs to turn again and go up more stairs.
*Note4* This is my last suggestion. I'm not too sure about this one myself either, Try and decide if this sentence sounds better without all of those "then's". If not, then you may want to change "than to then. Also, please note how I put spaces after each comma. I noticed while reading that you did not put spaces after commas and periods. There should always be a space after each comma and period! *Smile*

queen *Right* Queen
*Note5* I put this here because "queen is capatalized everywhere else. Here is the sentence where it was found: the queen calls into a doorway on their left.

rapped *Right* wrapped

prophicie *Right* prophecy

belive *Right* believe ( I used to always spell that word wrong! )

*Note6* There may have been other spelling errors that i missed.

Despite the errors, this was not bad at all. I feel compelled to read more! *Smile* I give it ... *Star**Star**Star**Halfstar* 3.5 stars. It just needed a little bit of corrections, that's all. There's always room for improvement! Keep Writing!

Krystxn * WorkingOnStargazer !

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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This Is A Review By Krystxn*. Remember, Everything I Write Is Just My Opinion. Feel Free To Listen To / Ignore Anything I May Say *Smile*


Hello, Belle Avida ! I see that you are new to the website, and i hope that you have a wonderful time here. The people are so nice and helpful *Bigsmile*

My review will be broken into 3 categories: My First Impression ( What I think before I read ), My Thoughts While Reading ( Self Explanitory ) and My Suggestions ( What I think you could change / improve ) I hope you find this review helpful! Let's read, shall we?

My First Impression: First, i ask that you click on the " double space paragraphs" button before submiting work. It can be found at the bottom of the edit page. It truly does make things a lot easier to read.

I also note that your chapters are a little short. This is no problem however, because i have come to learn that some readers and authors like their stories to have short chapters, and be a little fast paced. It all depends on what you like *Smile*

I like the idea of your story, it is what drew me in to read.

Ok, enough chit chat *Laugh*! Let's get reading! *Reading*

My Thoughts While Reading: This was an intersting read, with a bit of a twist at the end. i see where you are going, and i like the idea of bringing the characters back and creating a sort of "modern day fairy tale".

Unfortunately, i found a few errors, and i think it could have used a little work.

I liked the title of your first chapter! *Smile*

My Suggestions: I have a few things i would like to suggest for you. I will try to keep them in the order they appear in the story. I know you are new to the site so i hope i do not come off as rude in any way or form. I am simply here to help you become a better writer, you can take my suggestions or you can ignore them. You as the author should decide *Smile*

First thing I noticed was a simple spelling error:
pesent *Right* peasant
*Note1* I actually had to look this up on the internet because I thought it was spelt "pesant". We all make mistakes!

"Well,. . . *Right* Well . . .
*Note2* Note how I eliminated the comma. Because you are using "..." after the word, the comma is not needed since "..." pretty much means the same thing!

Speaking of commas, there were several places in your story where I felt a comma could be added:

he asked trying to comfort her. *Right* he asked, trying to comfort her.

Actually I don't like you at all I'm in love with Belle. *Right* Actually I don't like you at all, I'm in love with Belle.

After the tragic thing that happened Jay went to the forest and there was a cabin.Jay laid on the floor and he cried his eyes out thinking about every moment he ever had with his one true love. *Right* After the tragic thing that happened, Jay went to the forest and there was a cabin. Jay laid on the floor and he cried his eyes out, thinking about every moment he ever had with his one true love.
*Note3* Note how i included 2 sentences and added 2 commas.

*Note4* There were a few others, but i did not note them.

dignaty *Right* Dignity

before se *Right* before she

cautiousley *Right* cautiously

nexr *Right* next

*Note5* I did not see anymore spelling errors, but i may have missed some.

Her father has cancer so, Isabelle is going to take care of him. *Right* Her father has cancer, so Isabelle is going to take care of him.
*Note6* Note how i just moved the comma

Okay, that's all for the spelling / grammar suggestions. *Smile* However, i do still have a little more to say. ( Sorry ! )

It occured to me that some of your sentences are short and there is not much detail, and things are not explained very well. I have found some places where you may want to expand on, It may truly help your story:

The princess had secret meetings with a peasant
*Note1* You may want to describe how both Belle and Jay fell in love, it could add on quite a bit to the beginning.

She had never seen Belle so graceful unless it was in her deep blue dresses. Vivian always wore black dresses.
*Note2* Why does she always run so gracefully in deep blue dresses? Are they her favorite? Why does Vivian always wear black dresses?

When Anna had her class with Jay she flirted her crown off.
*Note3* What did she do to flirt with him? Why was she flirting with him? Was she jealous? If so, Why?

These are just all suggestions for the first chapter, as a writer i have come to learn that while writing you must always ask yourself Why? It helps to elaborate and explain things that may be confusing to the reader.

Speaking of confusing, i have one more point to make!

Belle went to the immortal's palace and asked tham to turn her immortal. They did as she asked.
*Note4* Why does she want to become immortal? And if she's immortal, how does she try to kill herself? You may want to clarify *Smile*

Overall, this was not bad. I give it ... *Star**Star**Star**Halfstar* 3.5 stars, Not bad! I felt like it could use a little work, but we are all here on the website to learn and improve our writing *Smile* There's always room for improvement! I know you can do it! Keep Writing!


Krystxn * WorkingOnStargazer !

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Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This Is A Review By Krystxn*. Remember, Everything I Write Is Just My Opinion. Feel Free To Listen To / Ignore Anything I May Say *Smile*


Hello, PhoenixOwl ! ( By the way, I like your name! ) My review will be broken into 3 categories: My First Impression ( What I think before I read ), My Thoughts While Reading ( Self Explanitory ) and My Suggestions ( What I think you could change / improve ) I hope you find this review helpful! Let's read, shall we?

My First Impression: This looks like a good and interesting read *Smile* I read the description and the first sentence and I will admit that I am interested! Ok, no more wasting time! I can't wait to read!

My Thoughts While Reading: This was very well done, full of suspence that keeps me sitting inches away from my computer screen, wondering what will happen next! Then, just when you think he is safe, everything turns on him. Very well done *Laugh* I enjoyed it! Anyone who can make me feel sorry for a theif is a very good writer *Smile* I really hope you plan on continuing this story and writing more, I would certainly like to read more!*Reading*

I like the names Keenan and Lethenhaile, very original. Everything seemed well thought out and well written.

My Suggestions: There were few errors in the story, I think I only noted two:

*Note1* This sentence confused me somewhat:
Behind him the shouts of his pursuers rent the night air, holding fast on his tail as he turned a maze out of the numerous streets and alleys of the inner city.
Perhaps i am not reading it correctly but you may want to clarify the thing about the "maze"

*Note2* One thing I am wondering:
Scaling the vertical drop in armor would be suicide
In every other sentence you use the word "armour", so you may want to change this.

Overall, i thought it was very well done. I give it ... *Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar* 4.5 Stars, Great Job! *Bigsmile* You do have a talent, Keep Writing!


Krystxn * WorkingOnStargazer !

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Review of Turquoise Dreams  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This Is A Review By Krystxn*. Remember, Everything I Write Is Just My Opinion. Feel Free To Listen To / Ignore Anything I May Say *Smile*


Hello, Wybo ! Welcome to Writing.com! I hope you have a wonderful time here, the people are all very nice and helpful *Bigsmile*

My review will be broken into 3 categories: My First Impression ( What I think before I read ), My Thoughts While Reading ( Self Explanitory ) and My Suggestions ( What I think you could change / improve ) I hope you find this review helpful! Let's read, shall we?

My First Impression: A short story about a boy who buys a machine and is able to record and playback his dreams. Hmm, sounds very interesting. It was your description that drew me in. I can't wait to read more!

My Thoughts While Reading: I thought this was good and interesting, there were a few errors here and there but it was pretty original. I didn't see the ending coming, you caught me there! *Bigsmile*

I guessed his paintings would have consisted of turquoise colours *Wink* Well done.

I thought the dreams that he had seemed very ... dream-like. All wacky and not exactly normal! I had a laugh at them *Laugh*

My Suggestions: There were a few spelling / grammatical errors that I noticed.

Here you wrote: Three adults with scary smiles and brightly coloured jumpsuits were singing something inane.
I'm guessing it's supposed to be insane?

This is your whole first paragraph: John woke with a headache and back pains. He was angry that he’d fallen asleep on the sofa for the third night in a row. The TV was still on. Three adults with scary smiles and brightly coloured jumpsuits were singing something inane. John knew the words and realised he was in trouble.
I bolded the sentences that stood out to me.

The TV was still on.
I felt this sentence was too short, and it could be combined with the sentence after: The TV was still on, showing three adults with scary smiles and brightly coloured jumpsuits singing something inane.
Please note the changes I made ( Added a word, took away "were" )

John knew the words and realised he was in trouble.
I don't exactly understand this sentence. He knew the words of the song they were singing, but why does it mean he's in trouble? *Confused* You may want to clarify this.

Finally: When he first came across the Dreamviewer advert he wondered who would be stupid enough to fall for it.
you may want to use the full word "advertisement"

And here: He stopped at the corner shop for a paper, it seemed different but he but he wasn’t sure what had changed.
I'm positive you can see the simple error here *Smile* Just eliminate the extra "but he .

Overall, i give it ... *Star**Star**Star**Halfstar* 3.5 Stars *Smile* ( Which isn't bad at all! ) I felt it need a little bit more work. But it was a good read, nonetheless. Keep Writing!


Krystxn * WorkingOnStargazer !

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Review of Scared Stiff  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This Is A Review By Krystxn*. Remember, Everything I Write Is Just My Opinion. Feel Free To Listen To / Ignore Anything I May Say


Hello, Truck Guy ! This is Krystxn * WorkingOnStargazer ! *Smile* Since you were so nice and read my story, Stargazer, I have come to review an item of yours. My reviews are broken into 3 parts: My First Impressions ( Which is what i think before i read), My thoughts while reading ( Self-Explanitory ) and My Suggestions for your work. I hope you find this helpful, thank you again for reading!

My First Impression: Is this an entry to a contest? If so, Good luck *Smile* If it is for the Make Me Laugh contest i'm going to assume its funny *Smile* I can't wait to read it!

My Thoughts While Reading: I thought this was a cute short story, and I was amused whlie reading. I don't believe I've ever seen a live skunk before, thankfully!
Here's a word i haven't seen / heard in a while: "Tube". ( I am from North America, if your are from a different country maybe that is the word you use. )I found that to be an interesting choice of word.
Well Done, I enjoyed it.

My Suggestions: Your spelling / Grammar / Sentence structure seemed to be all very well done. With one exception:
The kids were in bed and my wife had just finished mopping the dinning room and kitchen floor.
Just a simple spelling error, i think the word is spelt with one N: Dining

Overall, i liked it. I give it ... *Star**Star**Star**Star* 4 Stars *Smile*

My Favorite Part? Where you wrote: Now you have to put yourself in this poor guys shoes . . . feet . . . place. He has this hysterical woman, still screaming like a banshee, throwing stuff in front of him and suddenly he’s being attacked from behind!
I found it to be funny *Smile*

I hope you do well in the contest, good luck! Welcome to Writing.com. If there is anything you need, don't hesitate to ask!

Krystxn*

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Review of Storm & Evil  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This Is A Review By Krystxn*. Remember, Everything I Write Is Just My Opinion. Feel Free To Listen To / Ignore Anything I May Say *Smile*


Hello, Jackie , welcome to the website! I hope you have a good time here, the people are very nice and helpful!

My First Impression: I see that you are asking readers whether or not you should continue this. Well, I am here to offer my honest opinion *Smile* I think that every idea should be written!

My Thoughts While Reading: It seems a little short to be a chapter, is it a prologue? Or do you plan on adding more to make it a longer chapter once you see what people think?

I thought this was interesting, some of your sentences were short and there were a few errors but it was interesting and i can honestly tell you i haven't read anything like it before.

My Suggestions: There were a few errors i noticed:

Here, you wrote: Every sound and site from a thunderstorm awakens me and let's me feast.
By writing let's you are saying let us and Every sound and site from a thunderstorm awakens me and let us me feast. Doesn't sound right, now does it? Perhaps lets would be better,

A similar mistake was made here: Because once i'm done with you and you're body you'll wish you had be burned alive.
By using You're you are saying You are and Because once i'm done with you and you are body you'll wish you had be burned alive. Doesn't seem right. I suggest the word "your"

Here is a simple spelling error: I am draker and more disturbed than any
I suppose it is meant to be Darker?

Also, as mentioned, some of your sentences were short. I suggest maybe going through and combining some of these sentences with a comma. Oh, and in your first sentence, a word is capatalized, making me think it was 2 sentences:
Thunderstorms are amazing, They bring you energy.
Perhaps change that to avoid any confusion *Smile*

Also, may want to capatalize your I's. Some were'nt capatalized and "I" Should always be capatalized.

Overall, not bad. I really do think you should continue writing. I give this ... *STar**Star**STar**Star* 4 Stars *Smile* I highly encourage you to keep writing. If you would like me to come back and review once you write more, i would be more than happy to. Just send me an email!

Keep Writing!

Krystxn * WorkingOnStargazer !

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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This Is A Review By Krystxn*. Remember, Everything I Write Is Just My Opinion. Feel Free To Listen To / Ignore Anything I May Say *Smile*


My First Impression: First thing i notice is that you did not click on the "double space paragraphs" box before submitting. I do ask everyone to click on this because it does make the work so much easier to read *Smile* Alright, let's read ... shall we?

My Thoughts While Reading: This was good and interesting. The ending certainly caught my attention. I thought the main character was going to end up being a vampire or something!
Usually i don't like to see so many short sentences. But in this, it seems to work, creating a frantic and rushed kind of mood.
However, i was a little confused, but perhaps i was not reading it properly? What is happening at the end ... Is it a dream, or reality?

My Suggestions: You may want to make the end a little clearer.
As far as spelling and grammar, i did not notice anything, except here: I would die here, with no knowledge of who or where I was, or why I was here?
If the sentence is not a question, then why does it end in a question mark?

Overall, this was not bad. I give it ... *Star**Star**STar**Star* 4 Stars! *Smile* It is a good start, i look forward to seeing more. Keep Writing!

Krystxn * WorkingOnStargazer !

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Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This Is A Review By Krystxn*. Remember, Everything I Write Is Just My Opinion. Feel Free To Listen To / Ignore Anything I May Say *Smile*


My First Impression: This seems like a really short short story, but i am curious to see what it is about so i will read on *Smile*

My Thoughts While Reading: This was not bad, a cute short story. I noticed a couple of errors in the first and second paragraphs that i will list under "My suggestions". I think it could use a little work, seeing as it was so short, but it was pretty good.

My Suggestions: Here is your first paragraph, all errors are marked in red:
She stared out the window at the moon, ignoring her parents’ calls and phones’ annoying ringtone. She rested her forehead on the glass and sighed wishing that she could see him once more. Wishing that she could that she could hold him again. Wishing that she could kiss him again and most of all wished that he was alive again. Her parent didn’t understand her infatuation with him or the pain she felt knowing that it is impossible for her to see him again. Every time she closed her eyes she could see and remember the way he died protecting her.

I marked the word "Ringtone" as an error because in the sentence you said "Phones, which means there is more than one. If there are multiple phones, shouldn't there be multiple ringtones?
"Sighed" and "wishing" are in red because i feel as if there should be a comma between those words. Same with between again & and, as well as between eyes and she
In one place you wrote "that she could that she could", which is a simple error. You may want to eliminate the extra "that she could"
Finally, "is" is marked in red because it is the wrong tense. "was" would be more appropriate and would fi the tense of the story *Smile*

Second Paragraph: Not as bad as the first one, but still some errors:
Here, you wrote: She watched as a shadow is followed by the familiar shape of her lover.
The same error as in paragraph 1, you may want to change "is to was
The same mistake was written here also: Her head shouting at her that it was a trick and that it was impossible for him to be alive.
I believe that you should put the word "was" before "shouting"

Overall, i give it ... *Star**Star**Star**Halfstar* 3.5 stars *Smile* Not bad, but it could have used a little work.

Keep Writing!

Krystxn * WorkingOnStargazer !

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Review of Death's Angel  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This Is A Review By Krystxn*. Remember, Everything I Write Is Just My Opinion. Feel Free To Listen To / Ignore Anything I May Say *Smile*


First of all, welcome to the website. I hope you have a great time here, the people are so very helpful and nice *Smile*

My First Impression: This seems like a long start to a story, a good length for a prologue. As i read the first sentence, my attention is already caught. I am interesting, and i will keep reading it. I also see your authors note at the bottom, should you continue?. Well, i am here to offer my honest opinion *Smile* Let's read, shall we?

My Thoughts While Reading: I thought this was great, very original. I haven't read anything simliar to it before. I thought everything was described very well in great detail. Each sentence seems as if it were created with as much thought at the one before it. Very well done, i could actually see this as a prologue to a real novel.

My Suggestions: However, there was a thing or two that i was unsure about in this work. In one part you say: Her vision was clouded with tears, her eyes stinging as sweat rolled down her forehead, past her thick lashes and into the wild green orbs, which were wide with fright.
I'm assuming that by saying "Wild Green Orbs" you are meaning her eyes, but i was unsure about this, and other readers may be as well. You may want to make it more clear.

Here, you say: She ignored the heavy thud as it fell to the cold floor, her tattered skirts threatening to trip her as she lurched into a stairwell.
Was she wearing more than one skirt?

And finally, here you say: The beast emerged, it's lithe body seemingly flowing into the room.
By saying It's you are saying It Is and The beast emerged, it is lithe body seemingly flowing into the room. Doesn't sound right, now does it?*Pthb* You may want to change that to its

Overall i thought this was very good, i give it ... *Star**Star**Star**Star**Halfstar* 4.5 Stars *Smile* I really think you should continue. If you write anymore, i would be more than happy to come back and offer my opinion. Just give me an e-mail!

Keep Writing!

Krystxn * WorkingOnStargazer !

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Review of Kulgash  
Rated: E | (3.5)
This Is A Review By Krystxn*. Remember, Everything I Write Is Just My Opinion. Feel Free To Listen To / Ignore Anything I May Say


My First Impression: This does not look like a bad start to something. you say it is probably "crap". Well, i highly doubt that! I will read and see!

My Thoughts While Reading: First thing i ask is that you click on the " double space paragraphs" box before submitting work. It truly does make the work easier to read *Smile*
Now, while reading, i cam to a decision that it wasn't bad, but it was not excellent either. Things seemed slightly rushed, although the idea is there and i must say that it is pretty original. I have not read anything dealing with Orcs before.
The first sentence stood out to me, not in a good way. It just didn't seem like a proper first sentence to me. It did nothing to really grab my attention. You may want to revise that.

My Suggestions: As mentioned, the whole thing seemed a little rushed. I felt as if it could be slowed down so much and thing could be explained in greater detail, to make it better. Explain why Kulgash is different, i understand that he is not aggresive, but Why? Why does he excell in the axe category? Why does he have to do something about the first kill of a human? ( that part confused me )
As a writer, i have learned that you must be always asking yourself "why". It keeps things flowing and helps the reader understand the story much more.

Overall, this was not too too bad. The spelling and grammar was well done. I thought that it could use a little work in the length and pacing department, but it was not horrible.

Keep Writing!

Krystxn*

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Review of Science  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This Is A Review By Krystxn*. Remember, Everything I Write Is Just My Opinion. Feel Free To Listen To / Ignore Anything I May Say *Smile*


My First Impression: For this piece, i did not have an initial impression. I was not sure of what to think about this so i suppose i should read to find out what it is about *Smile*

My Thoughts While Reading: I really enjoyed reading this piece, it reminds me very much of a story i am writing as well *Smile* I found it a little fast paced, some of your sentences were short. But the pacing was not too fast. I just felt as if the characters were introduced rather quickly. Other than that, you get to know the main character very well, and the setting is set rather nicely.

My Suggestions: Try and fix the pacing a little. You could add things in to make it longer, such as the few paragraphs at the end about the science fair. ( i felt that was the most rushed part ).
And short sentences could be combined using a comma!

Overall, not bad, i can see where this is heading!

Keep Writing!

Krystxn*

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Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This Is A Review By Krystxn*. Remember, Everything I Write Is Just My Opinion. Feel Free To Listen To / Ignore Anything I May Say *Smile*


First of all, welcome to the website! I hope you have a great time here, all of the people are so nice and helpful! *Smile*

My First Impression: This seemed interesting. At the beginning you apologized that the first few chapters are short, but they do not seem as short as others that i have read, and i have also come to learn that some people prefer shorter, fast paced stories. You have nothing to apologize for!

My Thoughts While Reading:This was good, interesting. Reminded me of a mix of two novels i am writing, as well as the books Eragon and Twilight. It's pretty different than quite a few things that i have read.
It was a little fast paced at some places, i now see why you apologized that they are short. I felt some things could be added, but not too much. Other than that, it was written pretty well.

My Suggestions: I think you could take more time in chapter one to introduce the characters a little and get the reader used to the setting, time and characters.

In chapter two perhaps your character could be a little more freaked out by the vampyres appearance instead of accepting it so quickly. Also in chapter two, i see what you are trying to do with the ** and * idea. It is pretty smart to think of, but i'm almost positive it is not needed. Usually the reader knows who is talking. If you feel they are getting confused, you could add " I said." or " He said" or "His voice said" Etc. after some of the speaking, but not after all of it. Too much "he said, she said" is bad!

In chapter three, i see that you forgot the stars and / or quotations. To make chapter three longer, try and make the dialogue longer, make your characters say more. Have Jeremy explain more. Make Hera still unnerved and unsure of Jeremy. I don't really have much to add to it . But as an author you must always be asking yourself Why. Why Does everything in my story happen? Try to explain Why everything happens. Remember, everything happens for a reason!

Overall, this was well done. I look forward to reading more. Keep Writing!

Krystxn*

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Review of Rayne Bolivantic  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This Is A Review By Krystxn*. Remember, Everything I Write Is Just My Opinion. Feel Free To Listen To / Ignore Anything I May Say *Smile*


First of all, welcome to Writing.com! I hope you have a great time here, the people are so nice and helpful *Smile*

My First Impression: This looks like an interesting piece to read. The first paragraph has caught my attention already so i will continue to read it.

My Thoughts While Reading: This was interesting, written well, reminded me of something from Twilght. I was shocked at the end - you caught me by surprise there. I felt as if it could use just a LITTLE bit of work, but it was good nonetheless. A Strong start.

My Suggestions: There were few errors that i noticed.
Well my future’s in 4 minutes and 17 seconds.
The apostrophe shouldn't be there, perhaps:
Well my future is in 4 minutes and 17 seconds. Would sound better ?

Here, you wrote : You know what you are based on your parent,s and mixing the breeds is genetically impossible,
Just replace the comma with an apostrophe *Smile*

And here you may want to eliminate the extra space: I f I Wasn’t a lycan that meant no kids,

Overall this was pretty good, and it catches the readers attention. Do you plan to write more? Keep Writing!

Krystxn*

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Review of Flicker  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This Is A Review By Krystxn*. Remember, Everything I Write Is Just My Opinion. Feel Free To Listen To / Ignore Anything I May Say *Smile*


My First Impression: I love to read and write dragon stories, this one reminds me very much of the children's story about a dragon i am writing as well. I am excited to read it!

My Thoughts While Reading: Aww, so cute. I absolutely loved this story! There were so many great things about it. I loved the name Flicker for the small dragon *Smile* I thought it was very well done and very well written with little to no errors. The characters were very human-like and seemed realistic. It was easy to relate to them. It has a great message as well and was a pleasure to read.

My Suggestions: As mentioned before, there were little errors.

This sentence i had to read over a few times:
A second, a third, a fourth followed quickly.
I got the idea but i think this might sound better:
A second, third, and fourth followed quickly.

Also, at one part you say "He simple continued on his slow descent until plumes of red and pink and purple began to tinge the clouds."
Wouldn't Simply sound better?

And last, at one place you say " That’s how I made friends with Snowdrop."
I thought her name was "Dewdrop?

Overall very well done, i look forward to reading more from you sometime! keep Writing!

Krystxn*

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Review of Pearl eyes  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This Is A Review By Krystxn*. Remember, Everything I Write Is Just My Opinion. Feel Free To Listen To / Ignore Anything I May Say *Smile*


My First Impression: It seems a little short for a prologue but i noticed that you said it is still a work in progress. I will review what you have so far *Smile*

My Thoughts While Reading: This was an interesting and good start. Somewhat mysterious ... it catches the readers attention. I do not see many things starting with "Once upon a time" anymore, it was different in that way.

My Suggestions: There is not much to suggest, the last two paragraphs i felt were a little rushed, things could be explained slightly a little more there. There were two little errors:
You said: to Arra-Kain’s dismay he caught wind that the king and queen had been over-throne by the hooded-monks
I suppose you meant "Over-thrown?"

Also, in this sentence: the men over took the kingdom,
" Over took " could be combined. Ex. "Over-took"

Overall, this was a good start. It looks like it could have potential. Well done, Keep Writing!

Krystxn*

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Rated: E | (3.5)
This Is A Review By Krystxn*. Remember, Everything I Write Is Just My Opinion. Feel Free To Listen To / Ignore Anything I May Say *Smile*


First of all, welcome to Writing.com! I hope you have a good time on the website, the people here are so nice and helpful! *Smile*

My First Impression: This seems like an interesting short story, i love to read and write dragon stories. The first sentence catches my attention. I cannot wait to read it...

My Thoughts While Reading: This was definitely interesting, however while reading i noticed it could use a bit of polishing, some of your words were misspelled and some sentences did not make much sense.

My Suggestions: Watch your spelling! Try using spell check before submitting. Here are some things that i noticed:

the dragons came here while there still wern't any sentient life on our world.
There were 2 things i noticed wrong in this sentence. 1. The word "weren't" Is spelled incorrectly.
2. By using the word "weren't" you are saying "were not. Here is how the sentence sounds: the dragons came here while there still were not any sentient life on our world.
Does it make any sense? Perhaps: the dragons came here while there still wasn't any sentient life on our world. would make more sense *Smile*

A few errors i noticed:
instantly know - instantly knew
Trubble-Trouble
halls of the dead - Halls of the Dead ( Should be capatalized )

Watch your apostrophies, some of your words did not have one where there should have been one. Some of your sentences could also use commas. (such as):
Man they instantly know would be different and the dragon shamans, the keepers of the old ways, foresaw trubble with this race.
Try:
Man, they instantly knew, would be different and the dragon shamans, the keepers of the old ways, foresaw trouble with this race.
Note how i also bolded the other errors in the sentence that i had mentioned before.

Overall, this was not bad. It does have potential, it just needs some polishing, thats all! So for now i am going to have to say 3.5 stars *Star**Star**Star**Halfstar* If you would like, i could come back after your done editing and review it once more for you *Smile*

If there is anything else you need, don't hesitate to ask! Keep Writing!

Krystxn*

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