This Is A Review By Krystxn*. Remember, Everything I Write Is Just My Opinion. Feel Free To Listen To / Ignore Anything I May Say
My First Impression: This looks like an interesting start to a story with a very different plot than many others that i've seen on the website. Looks like a good length for an intro. I read on ...
My Thoughts While Reading: Some of your sentences seemed short at the beginning, but the rest seemed well written. It was an interesting beginning, mysterious and attention-grabbing. I want to read more!
My Suggestions: I don't really have much to suggest for this piece. You may want to eliminate the one "N" here and change the word "Thats: "Ha thats not my card! Nnow go away!"
Try: "Ha that's not my card! Now go away!"
Note how i added the apostrophe on That's to make it That Is
Overall, not bad at all. A very interesting start. I can't wait to see what this will turn into! Keep Writing!
This Is A Review By Krystxn *. Remember, Everything I Write Is Just My Opinion. Feel Free To Listen To / Ignore Anything I May Say
My First Impression: I thought this was a little short at first glance, is it meant to be a prologue, chapter or short story? The title seemed interesting, i will read...
My Thoughts While Reading: This was good and interesting, there were several spelling errors, however. This does need some work, which i see that you mentioned. Nonetheless, it was very interesting and captures the reader's attention. It was very mysterious. I liked the name " Amicitia"
My Suggestions: As mentioned before, there were several spelling errors that i noticed. In some places, a comma could be added. Such as in these sentences:
Amicitia ran down the bone white corridor her long bleached blonde hair trailing behind her.
Amicitia knew that he was gonna get up if she stood there so ran as fast as she could through the fire escape door.
'What do you want from me' Amicitia's voice rang out the hysteria obvious.
The red Ferrari ran into the dark skined man and he was thrown nearly twenty meters towards the school were he was stopped by a brick wall.
Try:
Amicitia ran down the bone white corridor, her long bleached blonde hair trailing behind her.
Amicitia knew that he was gonna get up if she stood there, so ran as fast as she could through the fire escape door.
'What do you want from me' Amicitia's voice rang out, the hysteria obvious.
The red Ferrari ran into the dark skined man and he was thrown nearly twenty meters towards the school, were he was stopped by a brick wall.
Does that sound better?
There were also a few spelling errors and places where a hyphen could be added:
In your third paragraph you say "Skined", i believe it is Skinned? The mistake is also in several other places. Other spelling errors: marshell-marshall reavel-reveal tyres-tires Some were-Somewhere ( & Nowhere, too. I noticed you made that mistake also. )
There were several other, but you can spot these by using spell check. If you do not have spell check, the website also has one. It is in your portfolio under the name of the item where it says "Edit, view, spell, count" etc...
And lastly, there were some places where the sentence did not make sense, or the wrong word was used: As she reached the fire exit door a dark skinned steped through a broad grin on his face.
Is it supposed to be: As she reached the fire exit door a dark skinned man stepped through a broad grin on his face.
Note how i also changed "steped"
She barely recognised that the entire corridor had gone quite as she ran through the fire escape door.
The wrong word is used here. She barely recognised that the entire corridor had gone quiet as she ran through the fire escape door.
There were a few other errors but i will leave it up to you to find them.
However, this does not mean that it is bad at all. It was filled with action and suspense, and i feel it makes a very good thriller. It just needs a bit of work, thats all Well done, Keep Writing!
This Is A Review By Krystxn*. Remember, Everything I Write Is Just My Opinion. Feel Free To Listen To / Ignore Anything I May Say
My First Impression: The description sounded interesting so i decided to read this. It is of good length for a prologue and first chapter. Looks like an interesting start. I will read ...
My Thoughts While Reading: The prologue was interesting, a great start that captures the reader's attention. Good detail in the beginning. Chapter one was a good start, you got to know the characters well and it all seemed very real. There was just that hint of unrealistic larger-than-life fantasy to keep me reading. Great use of exclamation marks during the car crash scene, it makes it exciting! It was really good and mysterious, i can't wait to read more.
My Suggestions: There were no issues in the spelling / grammar section. However i noticed this one bunch of sentences: Tammy didn’t really care. She had an opinion and nobody could change that. She was absorbed in different things. How the world and how people worked. That’s what interested her.
Each sentence is very short.. I felt some could be combined with a comma, like this: Tammy didn’t really care. She had an opinion and nobody could change that. She was absorbed in different things, how the world and how people worked, that’s what interested her.
You could even use a semicolin.
There was one sentence where i believe a word was missing: The questions bounced around in her head as she p and smoothed out the article.
I'm not entirely sure what it is supposed to be, but you may want to go back and fix it
Overall, this was very good. I look forward to reading more. Keep Writing!
This Is A Review By Krystxn*. Remember, Everything I Write Is Just My Opinion. Feel Free To Listen To / Ignore Everything I Say
My First Impression: I see that this is a prologue, slightly short for a prologue but it looks intersting, nonetheless! I read on ...
My Thoughts While Reading: Wow! Great Detail! i was blown away at how well you described things. Very well done! It was very interesting as well, it makes me want to read on, which is the whole point of the prologue
My Suggestions: There were no spelling / grammar errors that i noticed. Every sentence seemed to be created very well. It was beautifully written. My only suggestion would try to make it a little longer - if possible.
Overall, very well done. I look forward to seeing more. Keep Writing!
This Is A Review By Krystxn*. Remember, Everything I Write Is Only My Opinion. Feel Free To Listen To / Ignore Everything I Say
My First Impression: Upon coming across this, i see that it is labeled as a short story and am more than happy to read it. The first thing i see is that you did not click the "double space paragraphs" before submitting your work. I ask that everyone who submits short stories, chapters or novels click on this box because I find it truly does make it much more pleasant to read
My Thoughts While Reading: This was an interesting longer-than-most short story. I do not know much about sports, basketball most definitely included, but i was surprised at how you managed to pull me in to read. It was upsetting that his girlfriend left him, but i do understand her motives that you were describing. I thought this was very well written.
My Suggestions: There were no spelling/grammar errors that i saw or could make note of. The one thing that i did notice was that a few of your sentences were short. Such as this bunch here: I’m already beginning to feel better. The dust has settled, so to speak. I am beginning to feel like a man. I can feel my own adulthood becoming less faltering. My personal life is the least of my concerns. Maybe Heather and I can still be friends. I don’t see why not.
You can merge some of those sentences with a comma: I’m already beginning to feel better. The dust has settled, so to speak. I am beginning to feel like a man, I can feel my own adulthood becoming less faltering. My personal life is the least of my concerns. Maybe Heather and I can still be friends, I don’t see why not.
Overall, not bad. Was this based on personal experiences? Well done, Keep Writing!
This Is A Review By Krystxn*. Remember, Everything I Write Is Just My Opinion. Feel Free To Listen To / Ignore Anything I May Say
My First Impressions:Upon coming across this, i see that it is a prologue. It is a nice length for a prologue. The first sentence is bright and cheerful. I read on ...
My Thoughts While Reading: The beginning was bright and cheerful, great use of describing words. I was completely caught off guard when the truck came at them, it was very shocking. I also didn't even think that it could be a dream. This prologue was full of surprises!
My suggestions: There were no grammar or spelling errors that i could see, however you may want to look at this sentence: "A couple of autumn leaves pretended to be move,"
It did not make much sense to me. Is it supposed to be: "A couple of autumn leaves pretended to be moved," ?
Overall, well done, a great interesting start. It really grabs the reader's attention. Keep Writing!
This Is A Review By Krystxn *. Remember, Everything I Write Is Only My Opinion, Please Feel Free To Listen To / Ignore Anything I Say
My First Impression: I was drawn in by the topic. December 2012 was a topic that my science class spent nearly half an hour discussing with the teacher and it interests me. I was more than happy to read this, and I thought the way you chose to write this ( as a journal ) was interesting.
My Thoughts While Reading: Interesting point of view. I do not see many items written from the characters point of view as a journal. Good job for being different! I also liked the way the things were described, with the Red sky, and the excuse that a comet was passing.
My Suggestions: There were a few things i noticed that could be changed, but i do not feel that they are important enough to list. You, as the author, may want to read it through sometime if you have the chance and ask yourself if it is written as well as you would like. Think over some sentences that do not seem right to you, sometimes just eliminating a simple word or changing the order can be the answer.
One other thing i would like to suggest is to maybe make the journal entries a little longer. Describe more about what is happening, include more of the characters personal thoughts and opinions - it is his journal, after all.
The first paragraph you wrote seems very interesting. Seeing by the way it is cut off, you must not have had time to finish it? Or something went wrong? No worries, you can get that done some other time.
Some of your sentences i found to be a tad short. The first two sentences could be combined using a comma: My name is Regen Eugenius Ducere, I am the oldest and the wisest of all Vampires.
Also, when you are listing things, you use the word "and" a lot. I understand why you did that, but since you did it twice in your story, i believe its best to use commas.
You do not have to change anything if you do not want to, these are merely my suggestions. This was not bad at all, and i look forward to reading more once it is posted. Keep Writing!
Not a bad, short (story?). It seems like a summary of a story to me. It was interesting, nonetheless.
A few things i may suggest:
In the beginning you say: In a place called Vibra, people had a happy life once
This is just a suggestion, but maybe: Once In a place called Vibra, people had a happy life. would sound better.
I also noticed you use the word " then " quite often. Some of these "Then's" are not needed. Maybe you should go back and try to fix them?
I noticed your sentences are very long, broken up by many commas. Try turning these long sentences into two smaller ones. The whole third paragraph consisted of only two sentences, and i realized it could be broken up into at least three. This may also fix your "Then" problem.
These are just my suggestions, you as the author gets to decide how the story is written. Well Done, Keep Writing!
I really enjoyed reading this piece, it was interesting and original. It reminded me of something Anime, or at least that is how i pictured it!
One thing i questioned was whether the pace was set too fast, and i still cannot make up my mind about it. The beginning seems good, but more towards the end i feel it was rushed.
There was also one sentence that i had to read over a few times before it made sense to me: Her feet landed on each of the beast’s shoulders and Nharakai reached for its head, and ripped it from its body.
I think this may be because you use the word and twice in that sentence. My opinion is that the second and is not necessary, and the last part of the sentence could be changed to make the story flow better. Or perhaps change the first and to as.
Her feet landed on each of the beast’s shoulders as Nharakai reached for its head, and ripped it from its body.
Lastly, there were two places where i think a letter may have been forgotten: The Nharakai roared,
their clothes were simple bu elegant.
Is it supposed to be then and but ?
This is not bad at all, things were described very well and it is an interesting idea. I look forward to reading more, Keep Writing!
~ Krystxn *
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