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26
26
Review of The Old Vampires  
Review by K.L. Carpenter
Rated: E | (3.5)
I enjoyed this! I would have liked to see more added to it, as in, maybe their digestive system wasn't that great, their eyes would go bad as they bit the wrong people, or tried to bite statues or something, and maybe their hearing was going so everytime they tried to communicate with each other they spoke loudly, scaring off any possible vicitims.

This was quite a funny read, it was nice to see a piece that followed a strict syllabic pattern! The one part I was a little confused upon was how them getting new fangs renewed their strength. I just thought that it would make thier actual bites more successful!

I enjoyed that rhyme and that twist-the new fangs, and how they are a pain in the neck was a great way to end the piece. If you make any changes, let me know and I will re-review and re-rate! Thank you for the comical read and....

Write on!
K.L. Carpenter
27
27
Review of Insanity Reigns  
Review by K.L. Carpenter
Rated: E | (4.0)
I really think this piece has such potential. I would love to see some punctuation at the end of those lines requiring it, so I would know when to end my sentence, when to pause, and when the line is going to continue.

I love the points you made with this piece, they speak loud and are quite true. The only thing I did not get was the metaphor about Christ. I understood the being shackled, but not the comparison of the main character and Christ. (Don't worry, I am not religious, so I am not in a defend-Christ kinda mode lol)

Other than that, I loved the imagery in this piece, the emotion was strong.

Write on!
K.L. Carpenter
28
28
Review of Forget  
Review by K.L. Carpenter
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
*Checkg*Subject: A sad...yet true subject with a great ending. I would have loved to see it elaborated on a little more.

*Checkg*Flow: The flow of the piece went well, other than a few stumbles due to syllable inaccuracy. It would be better in my opinion if the syllable count was even.
*Idea*Tips: Maybe write out the poem and write the number of syllable next to each line. Find a pattern: 9,6,9,6 or something, and change the lines that are outside of that pattern to match. That way the peice will flow much more smoothly.

*Checkg*Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation: I did not see many mistakes in this area.
*Idea*Tips: Maybe don't have the phrase 'time will not stop' so many times, as well as something about 'forgot'. That word is in there five times, which is a lot for a nine line poem. Change it up a bit, get creative! :)
*Idea*: The ending, in my opinion, should read:

"Remember... time will not stop *no comma necessary*

If I forget you, and you forget me..."


*Checkg*Positives: I loved the way you ended this, and with the adjustment above (so it is grammatically correct) it will be even more powerful. I love the idea of how you speak of time continuing as though the person was your world, and once they leave, it doesn't all end....it's great!

*Checkg*Sidenotes: If you decide to make any adjustments, I would love to re-R&R this piece for you. Just let me know!

Write on!
K.L. Carpenter
29
29
Review by K.L. Carpenter
Rated: E | (3.5)
I really enjoyed this piece! It was not something that really struck me as amazing, but I did laugh at the part about it being wasted on the wife! I thought that was pretty funny, and definitely true. :)

Thanks for sharing this read, I enjoyed it!

I don't really have any suggestions to make it better or anything, I just saw it as, 'Well, that was a nice read'.

So please,
Write on!
K.L. Carpenter
30
30
Review by K.L. Carpenter
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
*Checkg*Subject: I am not sure why this was previously awarded 1 star, but to each their own, I suppose. A dark one, but quite interesting. It seemed to be general-not saying specifically what was going on-so many people can relate to it. It seemed to be nothing that really grabbed my attention-just another dark piece (quite similar to those I write when I feel like...just writing, lol).
*Idea*Tips: There is no need to state the title and author above, or anywhere in your piece, since it is already listed as so. Readers click to your portfolio-thus knowing the author, then they choose a piece to read-thus, knowing the title. The repitition of it seems redundant and looks messy.

*Checkg*Flow: The flow was good in the way that the syllable count was fairly even, and you kept up a strict rhyme scheme. People seem to be losing that nowadays.
*Idea*Tips: There are some places where the syllable count is a little off. Below, in the next topic, I will list your piece with possible corrections/suggestions.

*Checkg*Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation: Please see below (the spelling was good, which is exciting!)
*Idea*Tips: I noticed that for the most part, you followed a 9,6,9,6 syllable count. I added and subtracted words to make this even throughout, as well as re-word some awkward lines. I included the number of syllable next to the line, as well as how many syllables were there previously in parenthesis.

Pandemonium in ridicule, 9 (9)
why do you judge me so? 6 (6)
Or Does this trepidation get to you, 9 (10)
until you are a ghost? 6 (6)
Or are you so damn oblivious, 9 (8)
to what does things that cloud your head? 6 (6)
Yet I find it quite so strangely obvious, 9 (8)
the poison's causing death. 6 (6)
I see parts of you begin to die, 9
every time you hear my namewhen someone speaks my name. 6 (7)
I see how have noticed when I look at you, 9 (8)
it cuts like razorblades. 6 (6)

Now, with this next stanza, I have a good suggestion. In case you are not familiar with the word 'pastiche' I will define it: "a work of art that imitates the style of some previous work". I thought it would be very interesting when stating your malevolent intentions to have them be referenced to something similar, as though it may have happened before. It's only a way to make the piece a bit darker, and not really needed. But I thought it would be a good way to add a twist, backstory, and some strong vocabulary while referencing your malicious acts to 'art' as though it was beautiful.: ) Your stanza was:

"Malevolent intentions,
have unleashed into the open.
My hellish sacrifice,
you are the words I have unspoken."

I suggest:

"Yet my malevolent intentions
now seem rather pastiche.
And the words I have left unspoken
are recently unleashed."

Notice my bloody altercations. 9 (6)
These gory homicides. 6 (5)
I will not just leave refuse to steal away from here, 9 (6)
until I see you die... 6 (6)


*Checkg*Positives: I love dark poetry, even though I am a rather bright and cheerful person. There is something so fascinating with it! I love the story behind this piece, the gruesome details and what you described. I gave this a 3 due to it being fine without corrections (other than one spelling error) and for the fact that the syllable count was off, making me stumble just a little bit. I would have loved to see more detail, and an even syllable count. You did a great job in adding imagery to this piece, and I could feel the wrath and emotion behind your words.

*Checkg*Sidenotes: If you choose to edit this piece at all, please let me know and I will gladly re-review and re-rate the piece based on the corrections. I really think this piece has a lot of potential, for it reminds me of some things I have written! I hope this detailed review has helped you, it's not meant to offend and took me a long time to write!

Thanks for the read and....

Write on!
K.L. Carpenter
31
31
Review of her :)  
Review by K.L. Carpenter
Rated: E | (1.0)
Man.

This piece needs a lot of work.

There were spelling, punctuation, capitalization and grammatical errors galore, as well as made-up words and rhymes forced together that make no sense.

I will go through it, one by one.

"She has a glistening smile and long blonde hair,
God, she is so fair!
She's un-measurably clever,
she must have been born that way...
but (you are not contradicting it) and she'll be so forever.
We make fun of our peers-
we've done so for years,
and yet now we hypocritize-THIS IS NOT EVEN A WORD.
but for what? A prize?
The only reward at the end of this path,
is a gorgeous girl whose who's good at math.
In her free time she adopts aliens-What are you talking about? This is a very forced rhyme, and a poor one at that.
and sometimes I wonder what's wrong with homo sapiens?
She'll probably read this and smile,
and for that, the embarrassment is worthwhile."

Wow.

Took me quite a bit. There is a lot of work to be done on this piece, although I do not believe it is a lost cause of any sort (some of my writing is! ha!). I know this came from an emotion deep down, but I just believe it needs to be expressed far better. This piece has potential, and I think with some corrections to aid in the flow of it, it can be great! If you choose to do any editing, let me know and I will gladly re-review and rate it again for you. I don't mean to discourage you, I know you are writing from something you feel, but do know I critiqued the piece of writing itself-not the feeling it came from or the subject matter.

I hope you make some changes so I can redo all of that. I hate giving such poor ratings, but I would rather someone be honest with me and point out errors than to sugarcoat it!

Write on!
K.L. Carpenter
32
32
Review of Sea of Humanity  
Review by K.L. Carpenter
Rated: E | (2.5)
*Checkg*Subject: One that I believe many people can relate to. I feel the same, it's as though technology is definitely taking over!

*Checkg*Flow: The flow was good, other than the few suggestions I listed below which made me stumble and try to figure out where you were going with it.
*Idea*: When you state the currents hurry here and hurry there, I felt this was redundant. How about something more creative, like, the currents are sloshing here and crashing there?

*Checkg*Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation:
*Idea*Tips: I have listed a few suggestions below to help in this section of the review. I think with these revisions, your piece will read much easier.
*Idea*: "I tread alone in this sea of humanity"
*Idea* "And as they part
to flow around me,
a blip on the screen,
tears flood my soul
drowning me."

Here, I did not know what you were trying to say. Were they, those parting to flow around you a blip on the screen? Or were you meaning something else? Also, it seems as though there are two seperate ideas joined into one by a comma. I think it should be, "And as they part to flow around me, maybe 'as' a blip on the screen, tears flood my soul, drowning me'. Or, 'And as they part to flow around me, a blip on the screen appears as tears flood my soul, drowning me.' I think either of those make more sense than what you have written now.


*Checkg*Positives: It had a good message, being lost in people overly consumed by their electronic devices, and the association of it with a current is a good one.

*Checkg*Sidenotes: If you do make any changes, feel free to let me know, and I will gladly re-R&R it.

Thanks for the read, hope this review helped!
Write on!
K.L. Carpenter
33
33
Review of The Demoness  
Review by K.L. Carpenter
Rated: 18+ | (2.5)
*Checkg*Subject: The subject was interesting. I do enjoy reading dark pieces, and the darker the better! I haven't read a decent demon-ess sort of rhyming poem in a while, so it was rather nice.

*Checkg*Flow: The flow of the piece was great. It seemed that you had a great syllable pattern going, which was a great change from many other rhyming pieces.

*Checkg*Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation: Here, is where I noticed the mistakes. It seems that you changed some words so that they would rhyme perfectly, although be grammatically incorrect. I also think that you should have much more punctuation. If a sentence ends, put a period there, even if it is in the middle of a stanza. If you don't, the reader believes it continues to the next line, only to stumble and have to go back and re-read, pausing then at the correct place. I have included my suggestions below in red.
*Idea*Tips:
*Idea*: "Breathing fire and
Wrecking souls"

*Idea*: "And seduced to give in to his fear" This line did not make much sense to me. I think you are meaning, "Seduced him so he'd give in to his fear" for right now, it's translating to her seducing him, and giving in to his fear, which doesn't really seem right. A prime example of jumbled words to make them rhyme. But there is not point in rhyming-if the rhyme itself is meaningless.
*Idea*: "Could not hide the smear
Of that single roll
Of blistering tear"
Two options. Either a) "Of a blistering tear" or b) "Of blistering tears"
*Idea*: "Who could have thought
Such a thing exist" You can't be serious to think this was grammatically correct, right? This was just a typo, correct?
*Idea*: "To cut out his heart
In her feeding bowl" I know where you are going with this, but cutting out his heart in a feeding bowl doesn't seem right. Maybe putting his entrails in the feeding bowl, or collecting hearts in the feeding bowl, but not cutting out one person's heart. I dunno, doesn't seem right, lol.
*Idea*: "He who loathes , falls in her hand *space before comma needs deletion
Love is her name, as fickle as sand" *'fickle as sand' does not seem right either. Fickle means that it is "likely to change, esp. due to caprice, irresolution, or instability; casually changeable" as per dictionary.com. Last time I checked, the only time sand really changed was when you heated it to make glass. Other than that, it may move, but not change. So this metaphor you have here...really means nothing. You may want to look into it.
*Checkg*Positives: I do enjoy dark writing, and I think the subject of this piece is tantalizing, especially nearing halloween. If it was cleaned up a bit, I think it would be even better. You are not a poor writer-the imagery you invoked was rather invigorating, although the grammatical errors distracted me from truly enjoying it.

*Checkg*Sidenotes: If you do change or edit this I would gladly re-R&R. So please let me know if you decide to do so!

Write on!
K.L. Carpenter
34
34
Review of Meaning  
Review by K.L. Carpenter
Rated: E | (3.5)
This piece was pretty good. It seemed to have a hint of a rhyme until the last line...which was a bummer. I really enjoyed the message behind it! I think the "Now I feel, short of feelings" sounds a bit redundant, so you may want to look into that and change it (or not) to how you see fit.

Other than that, I feel if the last line kinda rhymed, (went along with: life, side, why... kinda see the slight rhyme?) it would be better. Other than that, I enjoyed it!

Write on!
K.L. Carpenter
35
35
Review of Too Vain  
Review by K.L. Carpenter
Rated: E | (4.5)
Ha! I love it! Short and to the point, a great mixture of rhyme and feeling. I think most of us can really relate to the words in this piece. I enjoyed it!

Write on!
K.L. Carpenter
36
36
Review of The Wanderer  
Review by K.L. Carpenter
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
I am sure you are aware that there are a few spelling/grammar/punctuation errors in this piece. I think this may do better as a piece of prose rather than a very short story or anything. I think if you add a little more description, why you were labelled depressed...how you roam-metaphorically or literally. More imagery would greatly add to this piece, since I think all dark pieces should be full of emotion and imagery.

I think if you made this piece longer, into prose, and added more description to what you stated regarding it, it would be a great piece. Let me know if you make any changes and I would gladly re-review it!

Write on!
K.L. Carpenter
37
37
Review of The Fallen Sky  
Review by K.L. Carpenter
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
I had to read this piece very slow in order to comprehend it. A lot of it sounds like a run-on sentence where the person used as many big words as they can. I can attest that occasionally, the bigger the word, the harder the reader falls....asleep.

I have a few...well, quite a few, suggestions to better this piece. Let me show you how I read/understand some of it:

"Upon the shore of stagnant oasis...okay, so on the shore, I picture nastiness...

Sweeping scorched stretched deserted sands...okay, there really needs to be some punctuation here between these adjectives. But I have so far, on the gross shore, a bunch of desert sands...

"Divine detritus drifting silently across" okay, so on the gross beach, there is a bunch of sand blowing everywhere, and old rotting material drifting...

"Oceans of sand where crumbled clotted Suffered being marches timelessly"...BAM okay, whatever happened to the beaches? See, it doesn't make sense. You never finished the first idea of what was going on with that gross beach with the sand and just randomly started talking about this decomposing stuff in sand where a man walks. You have to get this piece organized and finish with your ideas in order for the reader to comprehend it. I just think that the illiteration is what is killing you here-if you are going for a specific style of poem, then maybe you should write another and not use this subject for it. It is an intersting subject, don't get me wrong, I just wish I did not have to constantly backtrack and re-read it to understand what idea you were trying to convey. Even now-I am not 100%!


It was a tough read, it seemed that in order to be gramtically correct, some of it would have to change. For example:

"Oceans of sand where crumbled clotted

Suffered being marches timelessly " So here, to my understanding, you have oceans of sand...okay, got that. where crumbled clotted Suffered being I am assuming a person... due to the fact you mention him marching, however, why or how he is crumbled or clotted...I do not know. The illiteration does not work well with this piece here! And if you do mean one person, an 'a' is appopriate before the word 'being'.

Granted, it may just be me. Maybe I am the only one that has trouble with this, like some people have no problem with reading things like Beowulf, and other's can read that, but not Mary Shellys Frankenstein. Ya know?

I mean none of this in a mean way. I just wanted to give you some hard, honest contructive criticism on your piece. I thought maybe showing you how I read it, may help you see how others read it as well, and you can make any changes you want to (or not lol).

But again, don't take offence. It was mere honesty. I really like the idea and the imagery you added into the piece, but I think it may have been too much and distracts the reader from the overall story the piece has to offer. I know you speak of how you meditated and this came to you, but you did not include how you saw all this in the piece itself. And if you were to be published, you probably wouldn't want a bunch of *notes written under the title of the piece as background info for the reader. It's a much better read of the person doesn't have to read an explanation for the piece, ya know?

Let me know if you make changes, I would gladly re-R&R!

Write on!
K.L. Carpenter
38
38
Review by K.L. Carpenter
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
*Checkg*Subject: Subject was neat. I think most of us can relate to a frenzy dance as a sort of metaphor for our lives.

*Checkg*Flow: The flow was not bad. Some lines were long, some short, but all together it flowed well.
*Idea*Tips: I would maybe fix the part where you had three lines in your stanza instead of the normal two. It looked like you had structure until that point.

*Checkg*Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation: I noticed a lot of errors here, in which I will offer suggestions. This was what had caused the poorer-than-normal rating, for the fact that the reader can't really "dive into" a piece and have it consume them and be able to focus on it, if they have a hard time reading it and end up focusing on all the errors.
*Idea*Tips:
*Noter*"Chime-like"
*Noter*"The wind twirled around and through us"
*Noter*"I lowered my head, please not quite so fast". This part I believe was written to show emotion, but lacks it. Maybe try, "I lowered my head and cried, "Please! Not so fast!"
*Noter*"Cold, thin fingers burned into my arms.
Faster, faster gliding across the floor."
With the way this was written, it seems to read as though the cold thin fingers...are gliding faster and faster across the floor. Maybe try: "Cold, thin fingers burned into my arms as I glided faster and faster across the floor."
*Noter*"My lead I lost," does not flow well with the way the rest of the piece was written. I suggest using, "I lost my lead"*Noter*"Fear wormed up (double spaced here, delete it) through my nostrils to my brain with each breath I took,
As my partner pulled me across the cold marble floor?"

...er...was this a question? Are you asking the reader if this happened? I suggest replacing that with a period.

*Checkg*Positives: It was an interesting read, with a very interesting take on life. I think we have all been there, having a jovial time, only to be soon swept away with what life hands us.

*Checkg*Sidenotes: I think this piece has great potential if the above errors were given attention. I would gladly re-R&R if you decided to make any corrections.

Write on!
K.L. Carpenter
39
39
Review of Hell's Tears  
Review by K.L. Carpenter
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
What a great short piece! I think you did a great job in writing it, it had a clear idea and ending. I love the thought of your soul pleading your case-it seems "realistic" as in, that's what would happen, versus you-yourself doing it. Does that even make sense? Hmph.

Anyways, great job writing this. I enjoyed it!

Write on!
K.L. Carpenter
40
40
Review of The Mess  
Review by K.L. Carpenter
Rated: E | (4.0)
I found this piece delightful-no doubt the winner for the daily flash contest-much better than my entry! I will include my suggestions on punctuation and such pasted into the following segments:

"The staff at the long-term healthcare facility where I worked had decided to carve pumpkins and decorate the halls for Halloween. So I recruited my artistic husband to assist, and as we were scooping out the pumpkins, one thing lead to another and, well, we tossed a bit of pumpkin at each other. "

"As I pulled a clump off my shoulder, I turned to him for assistance..."

"and when we cut into them, they exploded."

"Our daughter looked from me to my husband, who was still working away on that smirk and back to me again." (Here, you may want to say, 'from me, then to her dad, then back to me again...or something, versus 'my husband' since that sounds funny when speaking of his daughter doing the action.)
"She nodded. “Okay Mom. Sure. That makes perfect sense"

"She rolled her eyes and dug her hand into the open gourd sitting beside her, and I watched in shock as a handful of innards sailed across the room and landed just above my right knee. "

"She squealed her delight with her aim, and as she turned to run, her dad landed one square on the back of her head. "

Those are all the suggestions I have. I still think this is a great write despite them, hence the rating! I love the idea! Good luck in the contest!

Write on!
K.L. Carpenter
41
41
Review of Sweet Apples  
Review by K.L. Carpenter
Rated: E | (4.0)
This was lovely! I don't like cold apples-I have sensitive teeth! But the rest sounds yummy, especially since I have not yet eaten! Great job on writing this!

The only thing I noticed (*note: never having written a epulaeryu before, nor heard of it) is that the short sentences make this piece appear rather choppy. Like...morse code. "Many uses. Stop. Tast you will love. Stop." lol but I honestly can offer no suggestions to help it out, and I don't know if maybe they are supposed to be short sentences rather than lines that just flow together.

Thanks for the yummy read!

Write on!
K.L. Carpenter
42
42
Review of Bridled Passions  
Review by K.L. Carpenter
Rated: E | (3.5)
I do like this piece. I did not quite understand/comprehend the line:

"I bridle passions I possess"

I was not sure if this was due to a grammatical error, or maybe lack of punctuation, like a comma or something, or if I just need more coffee.

Also, the last stanza:

"Would I be better if you went
away? I’d have naught to confess.
but memories would soon torment.
I bridle passions I possess"

does not seem to flow right since you have (for the most part) completed ideas for each line, then cut a line off at went...and finish with the one word on the next line. I understand that a kyrielle would be difficult to write for the fact of all the rules you must follow, but it makes the poem choppy and the reader automatically fills in the word away while reading that line-so it makes one stumble. I don't know if maybe you want to fix this, or leave as is.

I liked the first stanza, the imagery was lovely there!

Write on!
K.L. Carpenter
43
43
Review of A Chest Cold  
Review by K.L. Carpenter
Rated: E | (4.0)
Oooooh...this was good. The ending was what really made the piece. Almost in a scary, stalker sort of way. Neatly written! I was not sure if this part was meant to be an illiteration, or if it just ended up that way:

"Let it rust and gather dust

under a sweaty mattress of lust."

It's tough, since alone, all the -ust words make sense. If it's old, it WILL possibly rust, or gather dust, and a mattress of lust just sounds outright awful, like something that was cheaply made and 30 years old-with stains and never cleaned. Gross!

All in all, the ending was by far my favorite part. Nice work!

Write on!
K.L. Carpenter
44
44
Review by K.L. Carpenter
Rated: E | (5.0)
Aw, that was beautiful as well. Short as it was, it was concise, and to the point. How lovely, although I know May's here tend to be rather cold and gloomy regardless! :P Maybe she needs to come visit HERE more!

Thank you for the great read, it was beautiful. You have a talent with writing, the way you depict scenes and emotions is breathtaking.

Write on!
K.L. Carpenter
45
45
Review of Glass  
Review by K.L. Carpenter
Rated: E | (4.5)
Awesome. Truly awesome. The imagery was magnificent in this piece, and I found it a piece of art as well as writing. I loved the way you spoke of your face being wind in the countryside, I could see clearly how it must have looked through that train window. The only suggestion I have is: "A movement of flickering colours and letters that will never remaining tied to one definitive image or description ". I am sure you see error here, the grammar is not right! But other than that-no other suggestions.

This piece was written beautifully. If you fix the error, I would not hesitate to give it a 5. Let me know if you choose to do so, I will gladly give it the true rating it deserves.

Please, WRITE ON!
K.L. Carpenter
46
46
Review of Angel like Me  
Review by K.L. Carpenter
Rated: E | (4.0)
Aw, how sweet! I liked this poem, even though it was short! I was thinking, maybe instead of saying, " With every color
Just not blue" you say, "With every color other than blue." It seems to flow a little better.

Other than that, I think this piece was wonderful! I love the part where you speak of how all the angels are the same as you, only being content when loving her. That part I found unique!

Great job and...

Write on!
K.L. Carpenter
47
47
Review by K.L. Carpenter
Rated: E | (3.5)
*Checkg*Subject: Although I have not been married, I have felt that feeling before. It's a strong and overwhelming feeling that broke my writers block as well. ;)
*Idea*Tips:

*Checkg*Flow: The syllable count was WAY off for a rhyming poem. I dunno about others, but I find it MUCH easier to read a piece of poetry that rhymes when the syllable count as a pattern, so you are not trying to rhyme the wrong words, or stumbling through the poem and having to re-read lines so they rhyme and flow right.
*Idea*Tips: Maybe write out the number of syllables in each line. Then, choose a good pattern: 9,8,9,8...and so on, and try to keep it even that way, even if you have to lengthen some lines and shorten others.

*Checkg*Spelling/Grammar/Punctuation: I only noticed one real error with this:
*Idea*Tips: "While he makes on making fake promises to another". I am sure you can see what it is. :)

*Checkg*Positives: I like when you spoke of your hurt being the size of a river. We have a lot of HUGE rivers up here, so it made it more believable as to how much pain you are in.

*Checkg*Sidenotes: It seemed like a pretty general poem. Heartache sucks. I did not see anything that really stood out, imagery wise, vocabulary wise, it was just kinda, 'my heart hurts and I rhyme'. Maybe try to add something to make this piece unique. Describe how you feel-sensation wise. Take this poem and make it your own-don't leave it general so that others are able to vibe with it. I enjoy reading work when it is THAT PERSONS work, versus one of a general happening that I can relate to. I want to feel that persons pain-see what they see-hear what they hear, and so on. So maybe talk of how you found this going on, and your reaction to it.

I think with some work, this piece can really be great!

Write on!
K.L. Carpenter
48
48
Review by K.L. Carpenter
Rated: E | (3.5)
This was a great story. I liked the detail and thought you put behind it. It was not a story that gave me chills and goosebumps, but I don't regret reading it either. It was a simple story, but it was well written. I don't think you need to put what day it was above the paragraphs, since you tend to say 'the next morning' or 'the folowing saturday' so the reader already can tell. I had read a lot about the grandfathers past, but I didn't get to know him in the present to build a bond with the character, to make his past more important. It just ended up seeming like a quick synopsis of someones grandpas life, there was no deep connection made. Maybe develop the relationsip between the granddaughter and him a little more, and the readers will be hooked by finding out things about his life.

Thank you for the read!
Write on!
K.L. Carpenter
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Review of Perfect Lilacs  
Review by K.L. Carpenter
Rated: E | (4.5)
Gosh, I want SO BAD to be giving your works a 5, but I can't due to the look of it! As for vocabulary,flow, topic and whatnot, it exceeds a 5. I loved this piece as well. The imagery invoked regarding the lilacs, speaking of the funeral, the intensity of the smell, it all is wonderful. I think you have some serious talent!

Please, WRITE ON!
K.L. Carpenter
50
50
Review of ME & YOU  
Review by K.L. Carpenter
Rated: E | (4.0)
Honestly, I would have given this a 5 if it had capitalization and such. The lack of that (even as a writing style) appears almost childish. I actually used to write this way, and probably have a few older pieces still as so. But it seems to flow SO MUCH smoother when words are capitalized and whatnot.

I love the way you described loving someone. I think most readers have felt that inseperable bond to someone else, and you really expand on someone "being a part of you". I think it's a VERY neat concept! If you do choose to edit this piece with the aforementioned advice, I will gladly re-rate and review it. I really did love it!

Write on!
K.L. Carpenter
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