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51
51
Review of Lying Here Awake  
Review by K.L. Carpenter
Rated: E | (2.5)
*Checkg*Subject: I have been there, I definitely know the feeling.
*Checkg*Flow: The ups and downs with the syllable count made the piece really difficult to dive into, in order to relate to. You are focused instead on the lack of organization, instead of the message each line carries.
*Idea*Tip: Copy this into a word program, or write it down onto a piece of paper. Write the numbers of syllable at the end of each line, and try to come up with a rhythm. EX: 9,8,9,8...or something that flows with your piece. It is much easier to read rhyming poetry when there is a flow of syllables, so your mind does not attempt to rhyme the incorrect word.

*Checkg*Spelling/Grammer/Punctuation: I think some lines may have words that are double spaced, and some that are single spaced. The line: "Its so hard to talk to you with your mind so reach less" Does not make sense. Don't just toss in words that rhyme and try to form the idea around them. A good rhyming poem flows naturally, leaving you laughing because it rhymed at the same time! Also in that line, you have 'its' instead of 'it's', and the words, "reach less" should be "unreachable". I don't even think "reach less" is proper english. Other than that, there are many lines where punctuation is missing: a comma, or a period to end a complete thought, making the reader start a new idea before even finsihing and processing the last one.

*Checkg*Positives: The ending was nice, I mean, was a great closing to the piece. Sometimes those are the hardest to come up with.

I think this piece really has potential with some cleanup. Don't worry, I honestly used to write the same way. I just started cleaning up some older words and am appalled at the syllable counts on those lines. They are atrocious! ha ha ha. Feel free to let me know if you do edit this and I will gladly re-read and review it again.

Thanks for the read and WRITE ON!
K.L. Carpenter
52
52
Review by K.L. Carpenter
Rated: E | (5.0)
Wow.

Ha, I can almost say no more than that. Honestly, I personally loved this piece. I think many of us on WDC will as well, for the fact that it IS a great fear of ours to consider this one of our talents and to feel that in the end-it may not really be so.

I was hooked into this piece, I could not draw myself out. I felt like a fish on opening day, caught in the side of the mouth, making my jaw slide open dumbly, only to be reeled to the very top and have it wrench out of me last second-still sporting the injury. For this piece was that remarkable, to where after I finished, I just kinda sat there, dumbfounded, wondering if I really did read something that good. These come about few and far between.

As for suggestions, I have none. I shall end with thank you for plugging this for me to read! And please....

WRITE ON!
K.L. Carpenter
53
53
Review of WHISPERS  
Review by K.L. Carpenter
Rated: E | (3.5)
I liked the simplicity and the calming effect of this poem! I am not positive on this, being no grammer buff myself, but should there be a second 'as' included in a few of those lines? My mind tried to add it in automatically, so I had to go back a re-read it. I was not sure if it was due to an ignorant american mistake (ha ha) or if it was because grammatically speaking it needed to be there.

Ex: "May your heart be soft as a gentle breeze"
to
"May your heart be as soft as a gentle breeze"

Was not positive, but it seems to flow better in my head that way. :P

Thank you for the read!
Write on!
K.L. Carpenter
54
54
Review of Shining Star  
Review by K.L. Carpenter
Rated: E | (3.0)
This piece was MUCH better than the other two. I was a little hesitant at first, but you suprised me!

Some things to look at, all interjections are followed by a for of punctuation. For example, "Oh what a beautiful sight to see" should read something like, "Oh! What a beautiful sight to see!" or "Oh, what a beautiful sight to see-and to think..." something along those lines. :)

I was not too fond of the ending of the piece, it seemed a little bland. I thought maybe something like, "As I continued to watch in silent amazement, that one single, shining star...winked at me."

Or you could even take it further and describe it as such (since I love descriptions of things ha ha)

"As I continued to watch in silent amazement, that one single, shining star...winked. I saw the light reflecting in small slivers around the burning edges, that reflected the wrinkles around my mother's eyes when they were full of laughter. I could not help but to smile."

Those are simply opinions and suggestions, none was meant to offense.

Write on!
K.L. Carpenter
55
55
Review by K.L. Carpenter
Rated: E | (3.0)
I believe this piece was written better than your last. I am not sure if this was intentional, but I found the connection between the two parts stating the fact that he used to physically abuse you, and how you were done with that and told him to "hit the door". I felt that little click there in my mind, which is always great to feel when reading a piece of poetry.

Again, I would go back and re-read your piece work by word outloud. There are a few lines that don't even form a real sentence. For example:

"So many nights you came home and hit me,
That all I wanted to do was flee"

Since you only have a comma seperting this...try reading it as one line versus a line in a poem. "So many nights you came home and hit me, that all I wanted to do was flee"

Doesn't make much sense, does it?

...or...

"I can never forget those times,
To me it is truly is a crime"

This may look great written this way, but put it straight out, and look:
I can never forget those times, to me it is truly is a crime"

See what I mean? I think with a little work, this piece as well can be better. And I still have no problem with re-reviewing and rating as needed if you do choose to put some work into the piece!

Write on!
K.L. Carpenter
56
56
Review by K.L. Carpenter
Rated: E | (2.5)
I am not sure if you really lost your mother, or if this was simply a piece of poetry. If so, my condolences. However, I do rate and review each piece as though it were a piece of art, versus what the person felt, so no offense on anything i say.

I found the rhymes here a bit...childish, to be honest. And as in childish, I only mean that they were simple, it didn't seem as though you looked to any extreme and simply used words found common in every day language. To add to this, I have a hard time reading a piece of writing and rating it high when I can already guess what the next line will be, due to the subject matter and the word it rhymes with. I believe a good piece of rhyming poetry tells a story-that just so happens to rhyme. Not rhyming a story that you are telling, changing it so that it works. Understand?

Another thing that was tough was the flow. The syllable count bounced back and forth, making the reader occasionally attempt to rhyme the wrong word, expecting the current short line to include the one after. For example, you have:

"I know you were heaven sent, you just had to be, 12 syllables
Everyone who know you would not disagree" 11 syllables

followed by:
"You had a heart of gold. 6 syllables
That sure was something to behold" 8 syllables

While the syllable count varies elsewhere. Another thing I had noticed was the grammer and spelling was off in a few lines. You may want to go back and either use a spell-checker or read your piece word by word to double check that it is all correct.

I do believe that this piece has good potential, but a little work will have to be put into it. I would not mind re-R&Ring if you do put some work into it.

Thanks for the read and...
WRITE ON!
K.L.. Carpenter
57
57
Review of Without You  
Review by K.L. Carpenter
Rated: E | (3.0)
I think this piece holds great potential. I hope you can understand that I am not criticizing your emotions at all, but of the piece of poetry itself.

First thing, do a spelling a grammer check. I had noticed a few miss-spellings and incorrect words. For example, "delt" instead of "dealt" and "your" instead of "you're". Also, I have found, that when something is true, it is easier for me to write in prose rather than rhyme. With rhyme, you feel as though you have to change the phrase to match the flow. With prose, you can kinda get your feelings out into the open in whatever way you wish. I feel as though some of the rhyming is a little forced, where maybe you had an idea, and you just looked for words that rhymed with the prior one and changed the sentence to accomodate it.

If you look into those few ideas, I would be more than happy to read and rate it again! Welcome to writing.com, I know you will love it here! And as always...

Write on!
K.L. Carpenter
58
58
Review by K.L. Carpenter
Rated: E | (4.0)
How true it is regarding the purest sense of love. One can only hope to feel this exact feeling at least once in their life!

I was not too fond of the line, "As the sun rises all things are bright" for the fact that it rhymed when all else did not. Was that intentional? If not, I would suggest changing it because it almost tends to lead the reader on, expecting a rhyming piece, only to stumble later when it fails to do so. Just some friendly advice!

Write on!
K.L. Carpenter
59
59
Review by K.L. Carpenter
Rated: E | (4.0)
This was an interesting take on that perspective! I enjoyed reading it, and I hope you continue to write comedy pieces, they hold a sense of truth! And remember...

Write on!
K.L. Carpenter
60
60
Review of The Chaser.  
Review by K.L. Carpenter
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Great short story! Sometimes, it is difficult to write a short story in 55 words or less, and still capture a beginning, middle and end while also having a climatic point. You had all of these, although I did not feel the panic of the character here, as how I would feel if I were her. Many try to morph that in there somehow without going over limit? I find that the more you make the character relateable, the more you share their true and exuberant feelings the better the story. Just some advice. :)

Write on!
K.L. Carpenter
61
61
Review of My Haikus!  
for entry "A Falling Leaf " 
Review by K.L. Carpenter
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
I love the way you describe it! True and it helps me to picture it better in my mind, without it having to be near fall at all. :)

Great job!

Write on!
K.L. Carpenter
62
62
Review of Mountains  
Review by K.L. Carpenter
Rated: E | (4.0)
That was lovely! What imagery you provided with a few simple lines. Great job and....

WRITE ON!
K.L. Carpenter
63
63
Review of Mentally Upset  
Review by K.L. Carpenter
Rated: E | (4.5)
Much better! I can really understand and almost feel compelled to reach out and unchain this poor man locked inside us all. I think you did a buch better job on this one, it is dark and mysterious, and has a certain kick at the end.

Thank you for the email regarding your piece, and I am glad you took what I said to heart!

Excellent job on this...and remember...

WRITE ON!
K.L. Carpenter
64
64
Review of The Lonely Tower  
Review by K.L. Carpenter
Rated: E | (5.0)
I really enjoyed this piece! It was perfect-absolutely perfect, if I can say. I did not see anything that could have been wrong with this piece. The rhyming was absolute, flowing perfectly from one line to the next. No stumbling or anything, I was able to read through this piece with ease. It's been a while since I have been able to! But excellent work on this piece, it's hard to find a piece of rhyming poetry that tells a complete story without and fumbling or overuse of rhymes. Thank you for sharing this, I really enjoyed it!

Write on!
K.L. Carpenter
65
65
Review by K.L. Carpenter
Rated: E | (3.5)
I really think this has such potential. One suggestion:watch and fix your syllable count! It would be a lot easier to read, even if the first stanza, instead of saying:

"Once there was a toothless witch
Who always dressed up in rags;
Her smile was like an empty ditch
And her body was full of sags."

said:

"Once there was a toothless witch
Who always dressed in rags.
Her smile was like an empty ditch,
her body full of sags."

See how it flows a lot better? It is much easier to enjoy the piece when it flows naturally, rather than to start reading, then stumble, and have to re-read to get the right idea of what it was trying to say. Then you lose focus and stop enjoying the piece because you start to mentally correct it. I do though believe this piece has great potential, it's an excellent idea especially for the season!

Hope this helps!
Write on!
K.L. Carpenter
66
66
Review by K.L. Carpenter
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Quite interesting-this piece was very interesting. I have never read anything like this before, so it was nice to read something so different, with this view on creation. It was short and sweet-kept my attention to the end, without completely overdoing it. Sometimes I feel as though pieces are written being far too long and going on forever, and you lose insterest quickly. This isn't one of my favorite topics to read about-I tend to find it boring. But I actually enjoyed reading this piece, it had a great beginning, middle and end. Perfect. I would have like to actually see it develop more into what exactly had gone wrong with the others, and development in strange things as aliens-and how he left them or banished them to far outer space. May sound too far-fetched, but I thought the idea was neat!

Thanks for the read!
Write on!
K.L. Carpenter
67
67
Review by K.L. Carpenter
Rated: E | (4.0)
First things first, I would add more punctuation. This will help the flow of the piece, rather than leaving the reader to slightly stumble and reread lines, so it will continue to flow and the reader can really appreciate the piece.

Now, onto the piece itself. I really enjoyed it-it was written well and brought great imagery to mind. I felt as though I could see the street, the buildings and the peaceful green that lay beyond. I felt like I was right there watching the entire thing, and not sitting at my desk at work reading words on a screen.

Thank you for sharing this piece with us!

Write on!
K.L. Carpenter
68
68
Review by K.L. Carpenter
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I absolutely LOVE this piece. I have not read something this well-written in SUCH a long time! I loved everything about it-the imagery, the flow, and you had me biting my lip to hold in laughter as I sat here at my work desk! I love the way you wrote this, giving each "character" their own personality. It is definitely something I can see published, and would love to read this aloud to my grandmother! She would get a kick outta this!

Thank you again for the amazing read. I had but one question:

“if you think me abstruse i haveno excuse
but do have apitch to propose
upstairs is a ruse for vanity rubes,
but not up to us to expose"

Was that supposed to be written that way-or was it a mistake? I was not familiar with the person, so had no idea as to how they wrote, and wasn't sure if you were "copying" writing styles or not.

But honestly, thank you for the thrilling and captivating work, it was a pleasure to read!

Write on!
K.L. Carpenter
69
69
Review of Fate Is A Poet  
Review by K.L. Carpenter
Rated: E | (4.5)
I really enjoyed reading this, it describes perfectly of how many feel! I loved the description and imagery you used in this piece-it was perfect! I cannot wait to read more of your work, thanks for the captivating piece!

Write On!
K.L. Carpenter
70
70
Review of An Irish poem  
Review by K.L. Carpenter
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Absolutely loved it! Seriously! You did an amazing job at writing this, I absolutely adore puns, so you really tickled my funny bone...kinda awkward since I haven't yet met you...but anyways...

Excellent job, and thank you for the great read!

Write on!
K.L. Carpenter
71
71
Review of Butcher Run  
Review by K.L. Carpenter
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I really enjoyed this story, it captivated my attention. You may wanna check some places where you may have double spaced the words. I also noticed some things that could be changed:

*Bullet*"The Ford Ranger I used drove smoothly over the newly paved back-country roads of Darlington, Pennsylvania. Metallica was playing loudly on the radio. "

         *Bullet*"The Ford Ranger drove smoothly over the newly paved back roads of Darlington, Pennsylvania, as Metallica blared on the radio." This will cut the sentence down, as well as show how loud the radio was (assuming since it was Metallica it wasn't that quiet...)

*Bullet*"My head bobbed, I struggled to stay awake, the warm August sun wasn't helping --Nothing Was--."

         *Bullet*"My head bobbed as I struggled to stay awake. Not even the warm August sun, or (insert anything here) the wind whipping through the windows helped."

*Bullet*"Only another five miles back to my father's butcher shop, I wasn't going to make it. My chin slowly fell resting on the white meat coat that I wore."

         *Bullet* "Only another five miles back to my father's butcher shop, and I wasn't going to make it. My chin slowly fell , resting on the white meat coat that I wore.

*Bullet*"My eyes opened to a 90 degree bend in the road, I turned the wheel quickly overcompensating for the turn."

         *Bullet*"My eyes opened to a 90 degree bend in the road, and still drowsy from my short-lived nap, I turned the wheel, quickly overcompensating for the turn."

*Bullet*"The large passenger side tires climbed the embankment that was in front of me, which the truck bounced from like a pinball."

         *Bullet*"The large passenger side tires climbed the embankment in front of me, the truck bouncing from it like a pinball."

*Bullet*" I hadn't realized how far apart the houses were until I got out of the car; only two could even be seen from where I was."

         *Bullet*"I hadn't realized how far apart the houses were until I got out of the car; only two could be seen from where I was."

*Bullet*"I staggered to the front door of the house that stood beyond the bank. I knocked staining it with my bloody hands; there was no answer.

         *Bullet*"I staggered to the front door of the house that stood beyond the bank, knocking and staining the door with my bloody hands. I held my breath while waiting to no avail. There was no answer."

*Bullet*"I was in no shape to talk, weak and nauseated from the loss of blood, I listened as Larry told the paramedics what happened."

         *Bullet*"I was in no shape to talk, weak and nauseated from the loss of blood. I listened as Larry told the paramedics of the gruesome accident."

*Bullet*"I was placed on the gurney in the ambulance, wearing a neck brace and oxygen mask, they started me on an I.V., Metallica faded as the doors to the ambulance closed."

         *Bullet*"I was placed on the gurney in the ambulance, wearing a neck brace and oxygen mask. They started me on an I.V., Metallica gradually fading as the doors to the ambulance closed."

*Bullet*"They rushed me to the emergency room. I laughed to myself as we passed my original destination with sirens blaring."

         *Bullet*"They rushed me to the E.R., and I laughed to myself as we passed my original destination, sirens blaring."

*Bullet*" I looked like something from an old horror movie with my red coat. I could only imagine what went through the minds of the owners of those houses when they came"

         *Bullet* " I looked like something from an old horror movie with my blood-stained coat. I could only imagine what went through the minds of the owners of those houses when they came-here, it seemed like a fragmented sentence. When the owners of the houses came-what? Came home? Came to visit you in the E.R.?"

I hope my advice helps you out, and good luck in your contest!

Write on!
K.L. Carpenter
72
72
Review by K.L. Carpenter
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I really like this short story although I wasn't sure if there should have been a comma here:

"On her lap was a book of undeterminable age , other than the fact it was obviously very, very old."

At least, I had paused there, but I tend to go very comma happy, in case, you, haven't noticed,,,,,,. lol. I really enjoyed this story, you did a great job utilizing the prompt!

Thanks for the great read, and good luck in the contest!

~K.L. Carpenter
73
73
Review of Doll's Eyes  
Review by K.L. Carpenter
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
I think you had a very great idea here! I think you could have done something to the end, because the story just seemed to stop, as if you knew you had only few words left to sum up the story. Other than that, you did a great job with your vocabulary...I loved the line, "systematically gouging out the eyes" because it's something I can really picture a little, scared kid doing.

I was thinking, maybe you could end it with finding out the doll was a baby toy, and lit up, or maybe had glow in the dark eyes, to be used as a "night light". (Supposed to be ironic for a comfort toy lighting up in the eyes! AH!)

Other than that, great idea and use of words. Good luck in the contest!!!

Write on!
K.L. Carpenter
74
74
Review by K.L. Carpenter
Rated: E | (4.0)
That was quite cute, and I think that it would be a great detective kind of story if you chose to lengthen it. Mr. Monosyllabic reminds me for some reason of Mr. Beans. I think you developed it quite nicely, great job!

Write on!
~K.L. Carpenter
75
75
Review by K.L. Carpenter
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
ohmygod...

that was amazing.

I honestly loved everything about it. It was truly an inspirational piece, and you only guessed as to what would happen when you read that she walked to the kitchen. My god, you wrote this unbelievably well!

Thank you!

K.L. Carpenter
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