I am so sorry for your loss. Reminincing is good for the heart, He loves you very much and is watching you from above. I like how you described every memory in detail. He will never be gone from your heart. I like this poem.
It's real hard once you've been deceived,. I liked this poem very much. Seems like it was a real experience. You should never have to ask for true love, it should come naturally. Dump her! You deserve better
After reading "The World Shaken" I have the following comments to offer:
Note: Keep in mind that any review I provide is based solely on my opinion and is not intended to take liberty with the author's work. Please use or discard any comments or suggestions as you see fit.
OVERALL IMPRESSION: A very sad poem about losing a member of the family's trust.
SUGGESTIONS: Great poem.
PUNCTUATION/SPELLING/GRAMMAR: None that I could find.
WHAT I LIKED: That the author was able to forgive the person in this situation. A good way to re-establish trust. Very important in a family.
The semi-happy ending.
2nd stanza needs to be redone. Doesn't sound right when you say it out loud. A bit jumbled. 2nd line of each stanza, put a period at the end of the sentences. period after comprehend. Much better poem. The facts can't lie.
4th line stanza 1, doesn't sound right.. 3rd stanza take oiut around you. period after diver. period after dope. good poem. I think by now you're running out of steam writing about meth and all that drug addiction stuff. Your poems aren't as powerful as they were in the beginning. Keep plugging along and do your writing, you paint a pretty picture of drug addiction and that I have to commend you for.
first stanza, take out should be: should stay away for good. last lline: even though I really should.
You have never been a failure. You've just stumbled along some rough terrain. WE all do. That's how we learn. I often ask these questions myself. Right now I don't have the answers. I hope you do.
3rd stanza,. tale out right. 4th stanza, or will it not affect me none?
the following stanza, would should be will take one time, next line take out back.
last stanza, make I will into I'll. and will do it until I die.
4th sentence, 1st stanza, it would sound better if it was like this: they know what you're in there for.?
2nd stanza, instead of idiots try something softer. Treating them like they don't know. the 3rd and 4th sentence, stanza 2 doesn't sound right. I can't think of anything. Work on it. It has alot of great points.
2nd stanza, last line try: by smoking a bowl or two. You have a soul and you are someone special. Meth takes your mind, don't let it take your soul too. Without a soul, we cannot love or accept love. Happy belated bday. I am 46t. Congrats on the recovery. That's excellent. Keep up the good work. I'm trying to get on track lets hope I do before something breaks. You have always been somebody, you're just somebody special now,
I like this poem. It has prospect. Recovery indeed is possible to the person who wants to be clean. I am battling this myself, and I hope I can find the strength to face this head on. Drug addiction is bad, it's worse than a bad habit. Keep strong
The rhyming and syllable count need to be insync with one another. Read it aloud, it might help to find those errors. Ilike that, an addict's feast.Stanza 4 doesn't make too much sense. Hell capitalized?
Kinda lost me at the end. Try and rework it and see what ya get.
line 8, maybe interject be. you'll be paying the price. I don't believe Hell is capitalized. I could be wrong. last line maybe as a mean to no end?
Good poem. Really got pulled in by some of your other poems, but this is good too. Good luck. Hope you know longer battle the addiction if the addiction was yours to be had.
First line, interject was. Dopeis a dream killer that's for sure. Check rhyming flow. Some places are a bit jagged. Could use some cleaning up and better rhyming sentences. Good though
Been there done that. Excellent poem. I can relate 100%. Nothing needs to be changed. Except last stanza, 2nd line should be your. Doing dope is a losing game.
3rd stanza, odour is odor. same stanza, its = it's. I'm a little confused about the meaning of your poem. You start out about a secret in your garden all the way over to God or King? He definately is no secret to anyone. You might want to review this a bit and work out the kinks. You also need punctuation in your poem. You at least need periods at the end of the last sentences to start with. good luck
2nd stanza, r should be capitalized. 2nd stanza last light, capitalize. I hope you feel better getting some of your anger out in this poem. You deserve better anyways. No one deserves to be cheated on, most of all you. I like the anger in the poem I'm just sorry it hurts. You learn from yoiur mistakes and he is one of them. Move on.
I thought you might end on a positive note. You had it going at the end then the end happened. I suggest working on that. Being positive is good. It brings good feelings and I think you can do that with this poem. Best of luck
partake should be partaken. stanza 4 a treasure that i must to have? no s on dwells, check the spelling on ebullient? stanza 6 one thing you must to know?stanza 6 last light me should be be. i am happy for you that you found true love. Really hard to find. Good luck. some sentences need to be corrected for english sake. i can feel your in love. good luck
Thiought it would be more in depth about anger and how it affects our lives, etc. At times, I think anger is a much needed emotion as long as it is controlled. Nobody likes anger, and in fact, some people are quite frightened of other's anger. Without anger, what other emotions would we have left? When we fired, we would just say "ok calmly? Just an examle, not a good one at that. Over the years I have learned to control my anger. This is what anger management is for if one whoses to really get a grip on such a powerful emotion.
last stanza, I held him tight no comma, Poem has a good content. You need to work on syllables for each line. Counting the words with a total of 7-8 syllables per line. It will sound better. You might need to take away or add words it depends.
I hope this wasn't a true story and that if their is domestic violence, you get help right away especially for your son who is innocent in all of this. no comma after where, This poem is definately workable. You just need to learn some of the basics when to put a comma, a period, capitalize etc. Believe me,it took me awile to figure it all out, but it does make a difference, especially if you read it out loud which is highly recommended. I like the poem it just needs a little fixing
{#1667755}
kym erickson
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