I love Star Trek. So I find this interesting. I suspect you want this to be a tense scene. To accomplish that you might try leaving out some of the actions between the dialog. (too much swiveling)
You might consider opening with the dialog. "Navigator, what is our estimated time of arrival on Vulcan?" That sentence sets the scene without further narration.
I like the overall story. But it was a little hard to visualize. Maybe a bit more setting would help. standing behind the bar or someone sitting on a stool. Actually handing someone a glass. The dialog was good but more visuals would make the scene come to life. A few more gestures from both Steve and the customers interspersed in the dialog. Maybe Steve using a wet cloth to wipe down the bar. Stepping around the bar and leaning down to be kissed. People don't just talk, they use their hands and facial expressions.
You first sentence should be "My earliest exposure to spaceflight was at Space Camp.
Then talk about your experience at Space Camp. Tell about how you felt, about your excitement.
That is your 'HOOK'
Your teacher says tell more about it. But I think he would like to hear more about your personal journey, not just where you went and an itinerary of events.
When you speak of your parents support tell how grateful you were for it.
What did you do at the Planitarium? What did you see? What did you Learn? Give more details. Make your audience wish they were there.
You best paragrah was about the 'mission Pin' because you gave details about how you felt.
The other comment is to break up your talk into smaller paragraphs. You will find it easier to slow down and breath as you speak.
Its a beautiful poem. It has an interesting message.
I love the rhythm and cadence.
It's the kind of poem that impacts on a spiritual level.
I like the phrase "A carousel around the sun, Hurling through the vast abyss". It is a romantic way of describing this earth we live on.
Good job.
It was a good scene, but it was not a complete story. I am sitting here trying to figure out what it lacked.
Your descriptions of the Gunny and the students was good.
The story just did not seem complete. Like the end was missing something. I came away feeling flat.
I wish I could be of more help
I liked your use of flying to pull the story together.
Your first two paragraphs are a good set up. They show us a great deal about George's situation, without telling.
Your start is slow, because you have used so many irrelevant details.
Paragraph eight: "it all added up, she'd tell him." The word "no" should be added.
In section 1 you call the store Walmart. In section 2 you say: "it was the old Sur-Sav market, his mother shopped in." In section 2 you also say the Dragon flew from the Walmart parking lot. So, should it be Walmart or Sur-Sav.
Section 2: The story is hard to follow. It would help if the son had a different name.
Paragraph one: you used tired feet, twice, back to back. And you might add "his wife, Fran" to make clear who Fran is.
I like: "faint smile ghosted across his lips" and "anything to help him forget what happened to his little sister." In fact, I enjoyed your many unique phrases.
Section 2, paragraph 7 "her eyes opaque" does not make clear what the emotion is. Third sentence has an extra "she". I would leave out "then" and "too" at the end of the sentences. They aren't needed.
Paragraph 10 I think "never tire" sounds better than "get tired". I especially like: "heart too heavy to get off the ground" it backs up your flying simile. I also like "lucky nights of oblivion".
Paragraph 11 again the flight simile is very good.
Paragraph 12 "shell" is not clear enough.
Paragraph 13 consider leaving out "and drowsed" it would make the sentence stronger.
Paragraph 17 – 19 makes a really good connection to section 1
Section 3
The name George meaning a different George, is confusing. I had to reread twice.
I tried not to skim, because I am critiquing. Again you have too much irrelevant detail. My own rule is: if it does not move the story forward, or contribute to character, it is irrelevant detail. No matter how great the phrasing, it should be deleted.
Paragraph 8 on to the end is well done.
Your premise is interesting.
You might consider adding a connecting phrase at the beginning of section 2 and 3. Something like "30 years later", "as time marched on", or" the years flew by".
This is my first critique. I hope it is not too much.
Happy Writting
Patty
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