Whoa, dude or dudette! Paragraphs! Don't mean to rain on your parade, but please make it more readable. Font size would help also. The story has some merit though as description of life happening around you and I'll grant kudos for that. Let me know if you reformat the story, I would like to read it then!
Not bad, not bad at all. Good construction (all puns intended) on the paragraphs with leading sentences.
Kept the story building with each paragraph succession. " androgynous". Had to throw that in so people wouldn't short you for this being some drippy love story?!
Kudos for that.
Separation of dream state to reality was done well also with italicized font.
Pretty Good! Needs some touch up on wording (first drafts are tough that way), but the story line kept my interest and followed through to a conclusion. Keep Writing!
I think you have the beginning of a good story line here, but I found the sentences were disjointed and long.
For example: "The hospital yard stood a small lodge surrounded by a perfect forest of nettles."
To tie it your previous sentence: " At the end of one street stood a disheveled hospital, surrounded by a large fenced yard containing an ample supply of nettles. The disparaging look was further enhanced by the dull, grey fence exhibiting nails that were only seen in a prison compound"
It gives more body to your work and ties things together.
I like your use of emotion, your almost there in your description.
Someone else reading your story or you reading it aloud will help to notice things.
This sounds like though, these are notes from a dream perhaps?
3 am, can't sleep and I run across your story. Made my night more relaxing. Good story li ne with each sentence supporting the next. Like the pagination. So many writers "cram" the sentences together, making for a difficult read.
Umm, don't really know how to critique this, as the style is known to me but I feel it misses the mark. It is close, though and as always it's just my opinion. Please don't take offense. I think maybe taking out the entry settings and just leaving the dates would make the story more readable, or personable.
Maybe more physical symptoms, like shakes, feeling cold, sweats - some evidence of a psychosis taking hold from lack of medication.
I do, however feel you have a good storyline going here and correct direction for the type of material presented.
Again, all opinion, hoping to offer something constructive or helpful.
Good story. Like your word usage as it is very descriptive, giving me a vivid image not only of your situation, but your emotions as well. So many miss out on one or the other.
Maybe I am more empathic with the story as I too, was unemployed for a long stretch (3 years, 1,318 submittals-I have a database).
You doubt your self worth, then go thru all of the stages (anger, depression, melancholy or a combination of all).
Partners don't help either. They encourage at first, but then chastise or condemn any of your actions, offering no constructive ideas or physical help.
I can see how a person out of desperation can be involved in such blatant scams. They prey on such that are desperate and in need.
By the way, how 's that 8 million or more from Nigeria working out? (just in jest, expecting my payday any minute now).
Good story line, can see where this is going, yet would like more of the story.
First sentence was a little rough, maybe parting and fleshing it out help.
" A dry biting wind whipped the tattered remains of David's old jacket as he vainly tried to keep the dust from his face with a rag."
Maybe...
"A dry, biting wind whipped the tattered remains of David's old jacket. Vainly he tried to keep the dust from his eyes and mouth with a rag".
"Dawning his breathing mask"
Did you mean "Donning his breathing mask"?
Just some comments, didn't want to do a full review. Hope they help as reviews have always helped me.
While I found the story amusing and interesting, there were a few points I would like to make.
Would've liked to see more "parsing" of the paragraphs. Made it difficult to read (OMG, am I turning stupid because I can't read?).
larger print and less "run on" sentences would have been nice.
Would like to say that your "argument support" was good and you did not wavier too far from the main point in each statement.
Regrettably, the real reason for all this "stupidity statements" are the results of Lawyers, not manufacturers. "CYA and assume nothing" is the rallying cry of the legal system.
Example: Ladders were the most inexpensive item you could buy in the 60's, 20 to 30 bucks could get you a nice one. Now they are about 200 bucks just due to law suits and the like.
But the story is a good point and should be made nonetheless.
Disappointed that you didn't say about how the mom passed,; Did she struggle? Was she at peace? Was there a look of horror on her face in passing or realizing she was dying?
Very good, enjoyed reading the story. In particular the plot twist at the end where the Dying One turns out to be the Raging One.
Only comments I could possibly make on such a well written story are these;
You mentioned the first time Lumen had seen the Raging One was that he had smiled and had no teeth, yet in the end he had rows of teeth. Was this on purpose? Couldn't find the correlation.
Just a suggestion, maybe some emotional content from Lumen when she realizes she was tricked, something like "A violent shiver of fear struck her as the Dying One did something Lumen had never seen before. He smiled. Inside his mouth were rows and rows of needle sharp fangs."
Good story! Phrasing was right and sentence structure was sound, not much else to say other than some tweaks here or there might help, but that' personal opinion only. Liked your usage of emotion and paragraph breaks . I will like to read more later on!
This was a defendant diversion from a classic tale (how many vampire stories have we ALL heard in the past few years?) and was well written. Let me say what I found;
The prose of each paragraph was excellent, each sentence supported the others statement.
Each paragraph was ended at the right point; they were a statement unto themselves but relevant to the story.
Spelling and word usage were excellent as well.
I liked the description(s) of your vampire and how she looked and felt about him, knowing he was in actuality a hideous and violent beast but her admiration and love for him overrode the repulsion of his act.
The only thing I would have liked to see was in the last paragraph when he grabbed her that her body would've reacted to the terror or realization she was about to die, then disconnect (or be more "cerebral" about what was happening) and think about the flowers. This is just a suggestion.
Well written! I liked the pace, the descriptors and the "moral" of the story. And for such a short story, you managed to get all the elements needed to sustain the flow from beginning to conclusion. Nothing in the story left me hanging, doubting personality or motive of the characters in this snapshot of time. Keep up the good work and I will add you to my fan list!
Normally I am not into poetry or any form of it. But this not only caught my eye, the structure made sense and conveyed its message very well. I feel you achieved a minimalist view in which simple description describes far more than the sum of the words. Well done.
I liked it, thought the story might be more effective as "bullet statements", but that's just a suggestion. I could feel the emotion in the story and sad to say, reflects some of my own (maybe that's why I relate). Anyway, a good start - thanks.
Good rant, a few possible misspells and repetitive words but the spelling for the most part was correct, the paragraphs were well done and that makes for a good read.
As for the answers to your questions, I see you are trying to be objective and address the emotional side of the question as well (I liked the movie reference, BTW)
To quote another good movie when several people were trapped together and one was killing them all he finally asked a professor "Why am I killing all these people? Shouldn't I feel bad about it?"
And the professor said "No, it's because you're a homicidal maniac"
And the gentleman says "Oh, now it makes sense"
Sounds like you're just trying to get comfortable in your own skin - people are accountants, lawyers and work bomb disposal because they want to.
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