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351
351
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello Kleo,

My first thought upon reading this story was incredible. My second thought was this won third place? Man, the first place winner must have been a Pulitzer.

I doubt this will be that helpful of a review as I really have nothing but praise for this piece. There was only one line in that I stumbled over and it really had nothing to do with the unusual vocabulary.

This:
Suddenly, her eyes flicked over to a rosy-haired firedancer waggle her flaming fingers before the faces of several delighted children.

Is the tense of "waggle" correct in this sentence? I am not a grammar master so I am not certain but it doesn't sound right to me.

That's it, my only suggestion on improvement. Now I have nothing but rave praise. I really enjoyed this story. I found it beyond interesting. I love the serpentine theme. The characters are amazing and I love the setting of the race scene. An Illuminator! How cool is that? I don't even know what that is but it is still super cool.

I am genuinely jones-ing for the rest of the story. I would eagerly read an entire novel of this. Well done. Thank you so much for sharing this story. I literally cannot wait to read more of it.

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Review of Nationalism  
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello DRHF,

I like this poem very much. Although, being an American I am afraid I do not know enough about the historic political sentiments and connotations to understand everything you are implying.

I get the first stanza where you describe each nation's individual role. You start to lose me in the second stanza because I don't understand the cause.

Why are the passions erased? Also, is "cleased" a typo for cleansed? Or was that an intentional misspelling?

Why are the children sworn to fated death? And what is the truth that will be exposed? Is this a simple, "into the grave we are born" type statement? In other words, simply by being brought into the world you are fated to die?

The last stanza is a very very powerful piece of writing. I like it very much but I have no idea where the anger comes from. What is the bloodless violence? "Colour drained and strained," does this signify a loss of cultural identity?

This:
The sensory deprivation,
Of souless replication,

This is my favorite part of the entire poem though I have no clue as to how or why the offspring are sensory deprived. It is just so poignant.

This:
I hate each and every nation,
This life lacks creation!

Again, such an angry and wrathful statement but I do not understand why. How does life lack creation? This sounds so nihilistic. It is an extremely difficult concept to wrap one's head around.

Overall, I like this poem without even knowing exactly why. I honestly believe my lack of understanding is due in large part to my ignorance of history. I think this piece is very well written and thought provoking. I enjoyed it so much. Thank you for sharing your work.

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353
353
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
Hello Jess,

I enjoyed this story very much. I was immediately taken in with the angel's infatuation of the woman. It so reminded me of City of Angels or perhaps a bit of the Prophecy movies.

I think the characters and the story are both interesting and easily draw the reader in. There is nothing quite like a supernatural love story. I would definitely continue reading to the conclusion of this tale so, well done.

I don't usually comment on grammar or spelling since I feel it secondary to storytelling and not that important but I did notice a few typos that jumped out at me so I will point them out for you.

This:
trying to peirce the darkness with her brilliantly bright green eyes.

It should be 'pierce' in this sentence.

This:
Then out of no where a hooded figure lunged at the woman and a peircing scream erupted into the night.

Again, this should be 'piercing' here.

This:
Danton could see she was fighting to stay concious.

I believe the word is spelled,'conscious' in this sentence.

This:
wether you tell me what you want with the woman or not.

I believe this word is spelled, 'whether' here.

This:
Instantly the demon bagan to deterriate into ashes and within seconds had dissapeared completly.
There are three separate typos in this sentence,'began' and 'deteriorate' and 'completely.'

This:
He wasn't sure if she was still concious or not

Same one 'conscious' again. *Smile*

I would just make a couple of comments about your writing. First, be careful not to over use adverbs and adjectives. Adverbs very seldom add anything to a sentence. Strong nouns and verbs, not adjectives or adverbs, are what build meaning.

The second point I would make is to be careful that you language doesn't become melodramatic or overwrought. It isn't fair to your characters or the story if you pull attention away from them with how things are said. Simple is always the best way to go. Just tell your story with clear concise language and the reader will appreciate you for it all the more.

Overall, I think this is a very good story. I liked it very much. I was taken in from word one until the very end and I wanted to read more. That is exactly the reaction you want from a reader. Well done.

Anyway, I hope you find this review helpful and not overly harsh or insulting. It is never my intention to offend. I just try to give an honest constructive review. Thank you for sharing your work and I look forward to continuing this story in the future.

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354
354
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello Andrew,

Let me start by saying, I know very little about writing poetry so I can't really comment on styles or structure. I do read a lot of poetry though so I will comment on content and impressions.

I really like the idea and message behind this poem. It reads very optimistic of course but actually overly so. I mean to the point of absurdity almost. I think putting the positive spin on wrecking your car and losing your job is a bit over the top.

As I said I don't know anything about styles and structure but I can sometimes notice the patterns and rhythms of a poem. I like the rhyme and rhythm of this piece very much.

There is really only one thing that bothers me and I am sure it is just a personal thing with me because I doubt it is incorrect.

This:
Jobless and carless, I found a new way
to overextend my luck.

For some unknown reason I dislike the word overextend in the last line. I have no logical justification for not liking it so take that for what it's worth. *RollEyes*

Overall, I like this poem a lot. I think it is very well thought out and written. I think the first two verses are witty and cute, while the last two verses might be pushing it. Still I think it's a great poem and thank you for sharing it. As always, I look forward to reading more of your work.

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355
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Review of The reckoning  
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello,

I know next to nothing about poetry so I am not comfortable commenting on style or structure. I do read a lot of poetry so I can comment on content and what I like, however.

This is a wonderful poem. I enjoyed it very much. I am not sure exactly why but it reminds me of I Have a Rendezvous with Death by Alan Seeger. Perhaps, it is just subject and mood of the pieces that are similar.

It has a very antiquated voice which I like very much. I love the eloquence of the phrasing. I also like the rhythm and rhyme. There is only one part that I stumbled over a bit.

This:
But life’s for living once
And sin retains no friend,
And when our heart confronts
our crimes….. It is a fitting end.

As I said I don't know a lot about poetry but is perhaps the syllable count off in this stanza? The last line sounds awkward to me.

Overall, I think this is an excellent poem. I really can't think of any way to improve it. Good job. I hope you find this review at least somewhat helpful anyway. Thank you for sharing your poem. I can't wait to read more of your work.

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356
356
Review of The Power of Love  
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I know next to nothing about poetry. I am ignorant to styles and structures all I know is what I like, what I don't, and what a poem makes me think and feel. That being said, I really like this poem.

I think this is awesome. I love the way the ellipses just sort of cause you to drift along as you read. The word visuals are great. They set the mood beautifully.

The whole combination makes me think of a humid hot summer night, with lots of exposed tanned skin and long blond hair, reflected in polished chrome and black leather.

The way the THEN verse gives the conclusion of the story is very cool. I have never read a poem quite like this. It feels genuinely creative.

Anyway, I know this review is not very helpful since I offered no suggestions but I honestly have no idea how to improve this piece. I think it is great. Thank you for sharing it.

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357
357
Review of Trinity  
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: 18+ | N/A (Review only item.)
I know next to nothing about poetry so I have never heard of a cinquain. It sounds like a very difficult style to write in however. I would hate to be so restricted. That being said you have certainly followed the formula to the letter.

Here are my thoughts on the content...

Trinity

Sparrows
Flit the high void. (I am not really sure what this means. I picture sparrows fluttering around like butterflies or bats though.)

Ravens conjure rainbows. (I love this image. Is this an actual personal or cultural belief or just a fantasy that you made up? Either way I like it very much)

Swans allude love lifelong. (Everyone knows swans mate forever. Brilliant choice.)

These three:(Now I understand where the title comes from. Nice tie-in. Again, well done.)

like us.(This line confuses me however, I miss how 'flitting sparrows' and 'conjuring ravens' are like us. Did I misunderstand something?)


Overall, I think this is very well written poem given the parameters with which you had to follow. I like it. I especially like the bird theme. Anyway, I hope you find this review somewhat helpful at least. Thank you for sharing your work.

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358
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Review of I know that house  
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I like this poem very much. It makes me remember my own days of childhood at my grandmother's house playing dress-up in her old hats and jewelry, watching my grandfather reading the paper and later seeing the half-done crosswords folded neatly on the coffee table.

This:
I know that room,
The flowered cushions and worn away carpet,

I love how this shows that even something as mundane as a worn piece of carpet can elicit fond memories and has value. Well done.

This:
I know that room,
The dark TV with programmes in black and white,
The crosswords we used to fill in and guess,
Biros left on cabinets, in handbags,
Newspapers held in the hands of my Grandad

This is my favorite part of the poem.

Though, I must be honest I had no idea what 'Biros' were until I looked it up. I see now that it makes perfect sense. I didn't mind looking it up since I am doing a review of the piece but a casual reader might be put off if they don't recognize a word.

This:
The fridge magnets and sliding door made to look fancy,
I believe this must truly be a global childhood memory. Excellent storytelling. Bravo!

This:
Is it too much to ask to go back to that room,
To sit on the blue floor and tell them "I love you".

Again, who hasn't wished for this? Way to tap into the universal emotions that we all share.

My only suggestion would be to consider the audience when including the more personally specific memories (ie:Brios and cornets), and stay with the more typically generic memories, which you do throughout the majority of the poem.

Overall, I think this poem is simply brilliant. It makes me homesick and smile at the same time. I am genuinely grateful I read it. Thank you for sharing it. I look forward to reading more of your work.


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359
359
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Hello Andrew,

Wow! You can really write. I enjoyed this very much. I was totally entranced from line one to the last word.

There is not much to improve upon here in my opinion but I will give a few of my thoughts and impressions about the piece.

This:
“You good?” Stupid question. He doesn’t answer. How can I expect him to be ready if my nerves are shot too? My fingers slide into my pocket and pull out a slightly crushed pack of 27s; there’s only one upside-down jack left in the corner, brown leaves poking out the top of the warped pack. I pull it to my lips, flick the lighter, and take a long drag.

“You pulled your lucky,” he says, taking an American Spirit yellow and lighting it up. “You think it’s a sign?”

I understand that the deal with the cigarettes is an important and reoccurring theme throughout this story but I am totally ignorant to this lucky smoke superstition or whatever. Is it suppose to be unlucky to smoke the last one? Or is it just the upside down one? Maybe it's just me but I feel kind of left out of the joke on this. Maybe you can clarify it a bit for the smoke-lessly challenged readers like myself.

This:
I knew Jason was running around with some MS wannabes for a while:

Clueless. I think that this is a some kind of street gang but not really sure. Consider the audience when you use such specific monikers.

This:
The floor is covered with glass and Zippos and blood and M&M’s. I look down the barrel and see the clerk is still there, with a fucking shotgun. Out of the corner of my eye I see more blood and bottles of motor oil everywhere; feet hanging out of the aisle. But all I really see is the fucking clerk, twisting himself towards me slowly. And my ears are ringing. And my nose is full of burnt gunpowder. And everything is blurring away except the fucking clerk, twisting closer.

This is beautifully written and executed. I love it.

This:
“You are going to go home and live a beautiful life.” A single tear breaks off and slides down my cheek. She reaches up and wipes it off.

This is pretty cliche and totally reminds me of the scene from Titanic where Leonardo DiCaprio tells Kate to stay on the door and live before he freezes to death and sinks to the bottom of the ocean. I'm just sayin...

This:
Her hand tightens and she pulls me close in a sweet embrace—and kisses me with a fire that fuels my whole body. And I pull her even closer and the moment never ends—electricity running through my lips and down my lungs, my ribs, my fingers and feet.

This is very nicely written. Good job.

This:
Wiping down the Ruger LC9 I gave him, it takes me back to when I first got it.

Why mention when you first got the gun if you are not going to elaborate on that and share it with the reader? This just makes it sound like pointless filler.

This:
I smile at the man with the megaphone, look down at my hands, take a long drag, and slowly pull the guns up towards him, orchestrating the symphony of steel. And it’s okay.

I love all of this but the very last line. "And it's okay," seems pretty weak to me considering the strength of the rest of the story. I personally would leave that off or replace it with something better.

My only other comment is that the dialect gets a bit thick in the beginning so be careful of that. I personally think it adds charm and personality to the piece but some readers might find it off-putting.

Overall, I have rave reviews for this piece. I absolutely loved it. I have read it over a couple of times now and it is just as good if not better the second time around. I could easily read an entire novel of this. You have a gift for storytelling. I can't wait to read more of your work. Thank you for sharing this and I hope you find this review at least somewhat helpful.

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Review of Boots  
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello Croc,

I have never reviewed a play before so I'm not really sure of what type of critique you are looking for, I will just give you my thoughts and impressions.

I rather enjoyed this piece. I especially like the build up of suspense leading up to the appearance of Boots. My mind was going everywhere with the possibilities. I went the exact opposite and thought perhaps, Boots was an old man, a cat, a woman. A list of just about everything BUT a child.

I love the dialog between everyone. It flowed nicely and seemed very natural albeit a bit dated. I was picturing a 1950's Cunningham type family from Happy Days.

The one thing that confused me was the harmonica incident. I was really caught off guard with that and didn't understand the significance. Was it meant to represent some form of discipline? Like instead of spankings the father gives horrendous harmonica renditions? Anyway, that was strange.

I am giving the play five stars because I really enjoyed it. I would definitely go to see it live. I would love to see it acted out. I saw no errors and can give no suggestions other than maybe leaving out the harmonica part. Great work.

I hope you find this review somewhat helpful since I know absolutely nothing about play-writing. Thank you for sharing and keep up the good work.

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361
361
Review of STILL IN TIME  
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello,

I know next to nothing about poetry so I cannot comment on styles, or structure. I know what I like and how a poem makes me feel so these are the impressions I will give you.

I am giving this poem four stars because it is a very moving and powerful piece. I would give it more but I do not like the way it makes me feel. This poem makes me sad. It does not feel like the writer is leading an idle life but more of a wasted life.

There is no hope in these words. There is a finality that is so very depressing it feels like this life is already over. If I were to make one suggestion it would be that you might interject a verse about trying to overcome the stagnation and get this life moving again. I think a bit of hope would make this a much better poem.

Overall, I think this poem is very well written. I like it a lot even though it makes me sad. The images are vivid and meaningful. Good job.

I hope you find this review helpful and not overly harsh. It is never my intention to be offensive. I just try to give my honest opinion. Excellent work. Thank you for sharing it.


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362
362
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello,

This was a very enjoyable read. I liked it so much. I warmed up to the characters immediately. They all seem so likable. Perhaps, it is because of the celebration or the girlish infatuation rampant throughout but the story has a fairy-tale quality to it that I find quite charming.

I am not a grammar master or a punctuation guru so I don't usually comment on those things but I will point out if you use paragraph breaks for each individual speaker it will make your dialog much easier to read. For example:

Illnya, who was seated across the fire immediately moved to sit closer Faith.
‘You’ll never guess what Quill gave me today’ she exclaimed excitedly.

Her blue eyes were sparkling in the firelight and she absently tossed a stand of blond hair away from her face.
She leaned in conspiratorially, ‘A bow!' Her smile grew wider 'He promised me a real quiver next time he goes to the towns'.

Tah’lon shook his head and leaned towards Illnya, brushing Faiths arm as he did so. She shivered ever so slightly at the contact, sparks of lightning shooting through her flesh.
‘And what if Greyonya finds out first little cousin?’ He laughed as Illnya pouted.

‘And so what if she does. Ill not be one of her Ladies.’ She said the word as though it tasted sour in her mouth.
‘I want adventure and excitement and to explore the world. Not babies and housework and sewing and boredom’.


I corrected some of the punctuation and capitalization in my example as well.

Overall, I thought this story was excellent. It would definitely encourage me to keep reading. I like the characters so much right off the bat that I want to know what happens to them. I think you have an awesome start to your novel and it should be a great success. Thank you for sharing your work. I look forward to reading more.

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363
363
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
I like this very much. I can tell it is going to be an interesting story from the beginning. The water dragon is a real attention grabber.

One thing that bothered me though is the detailed description of the couple. Let me give you some examples:

Her hair was long, straight and brown. Her eyes were a deep wonderful brown. She was kind of a shorter girl and was perfect in every way for Layle.


“I thought you might like it, Ivy,” said the man with his shorter, dark blonde hair and looking down at her with his greenish-brown eyes. He was much taller than her...


This much description all at once just seems like an info dump and distracts from the actions and meaning of the dialog. Since this is just the prologue I'm sure there will be many more opportunities to tell the reader what the characters look like without slapping them in the face with it.

Overall, I thought this was a great opening. It caught my attention and I want to keep reading. Good job and well done.

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364
364
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Well my first thought is, you can really write. I enjoyed this story very much. It definitely had the Constantine meets Angel vibe going on with me. I had an instant connection and like of the characters.

I am extremely curious about the "case" and I love that the possiblities are endless. You drew me in almost from the beginning. That being said, I don't really care for the dream sequence lead-in. I don't feel it is necessary and it is so over done these days to the point of being cliche.

I am under the impression that it could also be some hint of the main characters supernatural tie-in, I would just maybe reconsider placing it in the first chapter. I think it migh have even more effect if you let the reader continue to believe that the main character is just a normal average every day human. But only you know ultimately how best to present your tale.

I did see a few spelling errors/typos. The one that stood out most in my mind is the "peaked my interested" when it should read "piqued." I think there was a missed "e" in "narrowed." All things I'm sure you would catch during the proofing process.

Overall, I thought this was extremely well written and throughly entertaining. I enjoyed it very much and I am hooked. I would gladly read an entire novel about this character and his exploits. I am anxious to see how each and every supernatural creature is portrayed. Well done. Write on and I wish you the best of luck.

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365
365
Review of Our Moment  
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
This is very beautiful and moving. I have no doubt of the heart-felt sincerity. I have been married now for 26 years and I am still madly in love with my husband. I remember what it felt like when we first fell it love and it is very much how you describe it here. There is nothing as quite as fulfilling or joyous as finding the one you are meant to be with your entire life. That being said, there is one thing that bothers me about this piece.

I feel as though this is almost too personal to be shared with the world. I actually felt I was intruding upon your most private feelings. It almost made me uncomfortable. This is just my opinion and I'm sure it's probably just me. I am a very private person that has a difficult time showing my emotions. Please, feel free to write me off as an icy prude. I won't be offended.

Overall, I think this is a breathtakingly passionate piece. It expresses a depth of emotion that few people ever experience. You express your love quite eloquently. Well done. Thank you for sharing.

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366
366
Review of Dusk  
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Well now. I have to be honest this is a pretty impressive example of how to set an idea and let it simmer. How to build suspense layer upon layer. I enjoyed this story very much. I especially liked the beginning background at the asylum. That picture was masterfully painted. The entire tale was well crafted and artfully spun.

However, there are a couple of minor things I think might be improved upon with a bit more attention. I think when the main character has his conversation with Mr. Howard that is almost a missed opportunity for a truly dramatic scene. I know you set the stage for the ending but I think you could have delved much deeper into Mr. Howard's terror. Perhaps, even more wrinkles appeared upon his face from simply remembering that night. Maybe, he makes water or messes himself. Or if pressed hard enough maybe he does not survive the shock and goes into cardiac arrest. There is loads of untapped potential there.

The other detail that I would like to see possibly expanded upon is the ending. I think the ending is good but I believe it could be better. Did you intentionally leave it vague as to whether or not he actually saw the ghost? I know he was overcome with fear but it was never stated what if anything was seen. I am not entirely thrilled with that ending. The reason why is because as a reader, I feel somewhat cheated out of my big scare. I stayed with you through the entire story. I read every word and I was promised or rather it was implied that something truly frightening was going to happen to this man and I was going to get to see it. But actually I never did. I saw him become scared and then run away screaming from what? I don't know.

I can't tell you how to improve the ending because I'm not sure how to do it. I'm just saying if it was me I might experiment with a couple more versions and see how it reads. I know generally speaking less is more especially in horror. Nothing is ever as horrible as what the reader can imagine. And I am a firm believer in leaving something for the imagination but in this case, I personally, would like a little more physical description of what happened.

Overall, I think this story is excellent. I hope you don't feel I am insulting or overly harsh because that is not my intention. I just want to give you an honest review and opinion. I hope you find this review somewhat helpful. As I said before, I enjoyed this story very much and there is very little room for improvement. That is why I am giving it 4.5 stars. Bravo! Thank you for sharing.

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367
Review of "Jonah's grin"  
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hey Luis,
What a story. I really enjoyed it. There were several times where it was very creepy. That mother is whoa. You have quite a talent for characterization. Jonah is way lovable. I like how you set the scene and build suspense. Overall, this is well written and easy to read.

Keep in mind I am not an expert I'm more like a parrot I just repeat what I hear. Please, don't think I'm being harsh because that is not my intention. I just want to give you the honest review that YOU asked from me. So, with that in mind, I have a few suggestions and some comments.*Smile*

The first thing that I noticed is that you use a boat-load of unnecessary adverbs. These seldom add anything to a sentence so try to avoid using so many. Here are some examples:

I never once judged him but I also never really knew what he was, but I never cared. Jonah was simply amazing to be around.

Easily amused and easily tempered.
Easy to amuse and easy to anger.
I immediately knew who it was.
I knew who it was in an instant.

It suddenly stopped


It was utterly amazing everything was alive with Jonah's grin.

Surely she must have seen this.


The day was absolutely gorgeous.


You get the idea. Here is the real deal. Strong nouns and verbs, not adjectives or adverbs, are what build meaning.

Next:

When I stepped into his doorway, I noticed the strangest thing. Jonah was hovering over his bed, not only that but he was glowing in a neon blue light. And when he snored something else turned on and off.

I stood frozen in wide eyed amazement. What exactly was I witnessing right now? Perhaps in clever Irony the radio turned on and Art Bell's voice filled the room.

"In Nevada researchers are...- "The radio shut off, then turned back on. “They claim that
the salt that they found in…” The radio turned off and then came back on for the final time.
"But who knows how old those little minerals are? Let’s go to Tony in Georgia on the first time caller line.”

Jonah stirred as I left, shutting the door behind me.
Really? That's all? You see this guy floating above his bed glowing like a neon sign and all you do is turn around and shut the door? I find that almost harder to believe than a floating neon glowing Rip Van Winkle.

He was intelligent, adventures, boisterous and vivacious.
You should avoid giving the reader serial lists of adjectives and give us examples of HOW he is these things. If that makes sense. I'm really tired so...

...easily tempered.
Tempered needs to have a modifier with it like bad or good it's not a stand alone. I would say "easily angered or riled."

A vampire, who fed off the will of the weak; fed off his insecurity and weakness.
(This sounds very repetitive with weak and weakness. Maybe change weak to meek in the first instance.)

...but I also had a feeling that that fight was more of a stalemate than a win for Jonah.
(One that is sufficient.)

Sorrow pierced my heart as I thought about Jonah's situation. Oh how helpless he must feel. Sometimes I think that he only wears his grin for me.
(This is VERY melodramatic. I'm not sure it is having the effect you are hoping for. You have to be careful that your language isn't melodramatic and overwrought. The actions and their meanings should be what demand attention, not language.)

Anyway, I hope you find this somewhat helpful and don't hate me now. It was not my intention to insult or offend. You know I love you. *Smile*

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wow, very moving poem. I like it alot. I think you do an excellent job of conveying the man's pain and regret. I truly feel for him. This is very powerful stuff.

A couple of things that I will mention. I find the third verse to be a bit confusing. I had to read it over several times before I understood what you were trying to say. If I even understand it now. I think what you are getting at is this. He is reluctant to give his trust even to someone who deserves it because even they will hurt him. I would like to see you come up with a new way to say this maybe if it was worded differently it would be more clear.

The only other thing that gave me pause is the line:

But the pain he aches is too painful to share,

This is worded awkward to me. In my experience pain doesn't ache, body parts ache. I know you probably want to use a better word than "feels" but sometimes the simplest most clear word is best. *Smile*

Overall, I think this is a great poem. I enjoyed it very much. It made me sad and I felt sorry for this man. That makes it a good poem in my book. Nicely done, and thank you for sharing.

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Review of Billie Holiday  
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: E | (5.0)
I personally think this poem is genius. I love the voice and style. I can totally picture some beatnik in a black beret and shades, blowing on a saxophone between reciting lines of this poem, in a smokey jazz club.

The vibe and energy is just awesome. I think the rhythm is in perfect time with some off beat jazz tune. I can practically hear Billie singing in the background. I really really like this piece. All the elements of the great by gone days of jazz-blues are here.

I know this is not a constructive review since I offer no suggestions on how to improve your poem but I think it is excellent just the way it is, and I wouldn't change a word. It's perfect. Thank you for sharing it.

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Review of The Box of Toys  
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: E | (4.5)
What a great poem. I really enjoyed this. It reminds me of a much lighter-hearted version of Little Boy Blue by Eugene Field.

Unfortunately, I know next to nothing about poetic style, form, structure or rhyme and meter, so I can't really speak on the technicalities of the poem. I can only tell you what works or doesn't work for me, personally.

I think the exact rhymes are great but some of the near rhymes are a real stretch. For instance: moments and parents is not even close. I would continue to work on finding exact rhymes that work in these lines.

The only other thing that I have somewhat of an issue with is the ellipses, at the ends of the last lines in verses three, four and five. I find them confusing. What are they saying? Is there more to that line that is not being said?

Overall, I liked the poem very much. It made me smile imagining the children playing with their toys. I found it quite uplifting. Thank you for sharing it. I hope you find this review somewhat helpful.

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Review of Roses on my face  
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: E | (4.0)
I like this poem very much as well. I think your poems are very beautiful and heart-felt. They make me feel good because I can sense the joy and peace you feel
in your faith. It is very inspirational. I like that the message is more subtle in this piece than in your other poems. It leaves the poem open to interpretation so that it appeals to people of any faith. Good job, very nicely done. Thank you for sharing.

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Review of Love Is  
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: E | (4.5)
I really enjoyed this poem. I like it very much. It is clear, concise and very touching. The message is wonderful as well. It is so inspiring. You really did a good job with this one. I love how you tied your faith into it. Alone, the first part could just be a beautiful love poem on its own. Awesome! Thank you for sharing. *Smile*

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Review of Trick or Tweet  
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
I really don't know what I can say constructive to improve this piece at all. I think it is an amazing story. I just hope it does not prove to be a prophecy because it seems entirely possible to me.

I found myself totally absorbed in this piece from beginning to end. I didn't even notice the length until I read the words Chapter 10, then I was surprised. I thoroughly enjoyed every minute of it. What a wonderfully scary tale. Honestly, at the end I just couldn't believe that they let it happen again.

If anything that would be my only criticism that perhaps the end came too soon after the first big scare. I know the saying goes, how quickly they forget, but that seemed really soon.

Overall, I think this is a masterpiece. Honestly, the best short story have read anywhere for quite sometime. I will be thinking about this for days. Good job!
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Review of There is a thing  
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a very ambitious concept for this style poem. I like the idea of it very much, but because it is so ambitious it is difficult to pull off. Let me explain, you are trying to express an all encompassing emotion within a very strict and limited structure.

Unfortunately, I don't know enough about poetic styles or techniques to give you very much help but I will tell you what I would do. If it was me I would experiment putting this same ying/yang type verse into a less rigid frame. If you want to keep this format then it is very important that the actions and reasons are the absolute best you can chose. This one for example:

It warms, it freezes.

It is easy to think of instances when love warms but I have a hard time bringing to mind when it freezes. Another such that is hard for me to picture:

It builds dreams and breaks them.

Of course, it builds dreams, but breaks them? I'm not saying it doesn't happen I'm just saying it becomes distracting trying to imagine it. If you don't pick the best examples then it seems like you are just running down a list of opposites.

Also, if you are going to stick with this strict structure I would at least try loosening up the language. I would give myself the freedom to be much more descriptive with the language, even down right flowery, if you will.

Overall, I think it is a great basis to build from but the form doesn't work for me. I am probably in the minority (usually am, hehe), I'm just one opinion. I hope that you don't think me overly harsh or offensive. That is not my intent. I am just trying to give you an honest review. I hope you find it somewhat helpful. Thank you for sharing your poem and keep writing.

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Review of Thru Closed Eyes  
Review by Lilithmoon☽
In affiliation with The Central Bank  
Rated: E | (3.5)
I am so ill equipped to review this poem. I know next to nothing about poetic techniques so I can't constructively comment on the style, structure or meter. I am not a religious person so I don't feel right commenting on the subject.

I am giving it a three and a half stars rating because nothing jumps out at me as incorrect and flows very well. I think it is well written. And I think the idea and sentiment in the poem is beautiful and heart-felt. I think the idea of seeing through closed eyes is (pardon the pun) visionary.

I love the first half up to here:

Thru closed eyes, I see nothing.
I try and still nothing
There's darkness
In a world with closed eyes.
There's peace
In a world with closed eyes.
When I walk, there's nothing to guide me

Overall, love the concept and the writing, just not the poem for me. I sincerely mean no disrespect and it is not my intention to offend. I am just trying to give an honest review. Thank you for sharing. Keep writing. *Smile*

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