Ruthy, how did you become so wise? This is a great article and many should read it. The writing is good, the tips are great and I wish you well in you well in your future writings., Write on!
Little Kelly, hi! You need to change your title. Everything else is absolutely wonderful. I love the poem. I am not an expert on poems, but I know what I like and this one I do. Keep up the great writing.
Hi Raven! You have a very touching story with a moral. I loved it. There are some things I need to comment on. These are my opinion only and you can use them or leave them.
First and foremost - double space. It is so hard to read when this is not done.
Now for your story, 2nd line - The street light dims in illumination and the cars provide the only light worth using. (This is the way I would construct the sentence.
What I want you to do is read it out loud to your self or have a friend read it out loud to you. This way you will find the obvious word changes, etc. Example: The smell of vendor food carts.....flows better
Be careful of repetition. Example: sidewalk with a sign speaking.. Sounds of people speaking ( talking) Or The streets are populated with random people in nice suits and ties, talking on their phones. See how this flows?
There are multiple changes that need to be made and I know you will find them when you read it out loud. Don't forget - DOUBLE SPACE FOR THE READER. When you have reworked your story I would love to read it again. Please look me up so I can. Lynda with a Y
You have a good story. You just need a little tweaking. Double space your writing so the reader can read it easier than in this format.
Don't use "gotten" bad grammar. Say got. You need to shorten your sentences. It makes for better reading. Example: storms during April, but rarely....
it rumbled through the house, to the point (drop where) I'd moved my playing where my sisters were located. (drop elsewhere and to)
they were watching the news when I got there. (period) I didn't understand what the man, with the bald head, (note the commas) on the screen was saying.....
2nd paragraph - The storm rumbled on, (note comma) but after a while, my sisters' composure helped me relax. (note commas)
The sound of mother calling us out of our room broke the tranquility. (period) My sisters and I scrambled to where she was. (New sentence)
When I got older, I found out mother was so scared of the sound from the storm, she dropped me on the steps and ran to the basement without me. (note how I have changed this a bit)
My sister found me in the same spot on the steps crying. (Let out the comma)
Drop as many that's as you can. They are useless words. I realize we need them sometimes, but not all the time. Rea read and take them out.
2nd paragraph - 2nd line - drop somewhere
3rd line- drop, back then
5th - drop that
7th - drop that
I didn't lose him, but in truth... (drop again) and drop just
We made it downstairs in one piece. Not long after the power came on. (Note the changes)
lightening struck an electrical.......
These writings are only to help you. You can use them or leave them.
Good writing on a story. Keep up the good work and Keep on Writing!
Gosh, for this to be one of the first in using English, you have done well my friend. I have a few comments and I hope they will help. You do not have to use them, you can ignore if you wish.
First stanza - 6th line - take out to
Second stanza - Put a period after pain. Drop the word just, as it is a useless word. Also what do you mean by "in a forms"? do you mean in a form?
Add period after play.
Third stanza - "for a moment when I stopped believe. Do you mean stopped to believe? Or stopped believing; believed?
Fourth stanza - Drop just, capitalize nothing. Drop just and put a period at the end of now sway.
Great writing! Keep up the good work. Lynda with a Y
This is so well written. Even though I am a Christian and have read the bible, your writing has taught me much. I see nothing that I would change. Keep up the very good writing!
I really liked your story and article. It is very good and very important to many, many people with the same illness. I speak from experience as a parent of a bipolar daughter. Unfortunately we don't speak. She has completely withdrawn from this family. She does have a support. Her ex-husband has been helping here as much as her can and we are forever grateful to him.
I do have a few comments on your writing. I think after excellent book, you need a comma and the title needs to be in quote.
2nd line: Last from, change to "to" because from is a repeat word. 3rd line: As is OK in the third sentence but I believe when would sound better,
4th line: take out "I convince myself that" and put "convinced my illness".
2nd paragraph - 2nd line - comman after television, or playing video.... in the 3rd, 4th and 5th lines remove "that." In any part of your story remove all of te "that's" These are useless words and are only used when it is necessary.
5th paragraph - remove "that's) Listen to this "sadly, this tends to increase those feelings we are a burdens to others, and we are somehow>" Doesn't it flow ?
Paragraph 6th - Remove that and more. What kind of social support system do you mean? Going out with friends or family? Describe this. We want to know.
Paragraph 7 - remove that
Paragraph 9 - Remove just - it is another one of the useless words.
Maria, you can take or leave these suggestions. I am only here to help. You have a beautiful gift and I can tell you are very intelligent. WRITE ON!
Death is not always quick like people think it is. Just because you are being hung by the neck doesn't mean the neck will break and you will be gone. There are many that linger choking , wetting themselves, messing themselves and praying to God to take them.
All they wanted was a loaf of bread to feed their children and wives. They didn't see the grocery man watching them. He had asked a policeman to stand out of sight so they could catch the thieves. And they did. It didn't matter to the Judge it was only a loaf of bread for their family, and he condemned the to the scaffolds.
As they fell, they look at each other and wink. they knew they were gong to their lord and to heaven as we know it. There was no wrong. It was a hard death, but they glorified in it, because Jesus was standing and waiting for them.
I am assuming this is what you want???? The two sentences above show nothing but what our imagination gives us. Where is your story?
I am so glad you said sometimes a broken heart can never be heeled. When we lost our daughter, a,hold came into my heart and I have never been the same. Now my precious daughter-in-law is in hospice. She and my daughter went to school together and they were the same age. She married my son much later. I talked with her off and on, and we visited when she was in the hospital here. When they transferred her to downtown in the Medical Center we were ABLE TO SEE HER ONCE AND SHE HAD SLIPPED INTO A COMA. I guess that is how it goes.
Now after giving you all of that mess, I have to tell you, your short story was excellent, heart warming and personal. I would not change one thing about it. And, yes, you will always have a hole in your heart for him. Lynda with a Y
I really like what you are doing. I believe it will increase your people bunches. Please let me know if I can do anything and did you receive the gifts I sent you.
Hi! When I read the first stanza I wasn't sure I was going to like your poem, but when the second stanza began it was like music and bells to my ears. As I read on I felt a song in my heart. IN the end I felt a sadness that no one ever notices Silver, bit it makes the rest stand out and shine.
I'm still laughing! This is really funny and you would think this person would get it. College Grad, mmm.
My comments: It is well put together -
You need to take out a lot of the Is. Example: Off in the distance is a burning effigy of me. Look around and see how you can restructure sentences without using I.
I really like your story but it seems to be missing something. I'm not sure what it is, but as I said, take a look again at your story and try to look at it from my POV.
I hope to read this again after you have tighten it up.
What a great story. It is so well written. No wonder you won. I can see where this could lead into a longer story/book. Congratulations! And keep up the great writing.
How beautiful this is. It brought so many emotions to my mind. Three years ago I lost my daughter. Five months later I lost my sister and five months after that I lost my cousin whom I grew up with. She was the 2nd sister I had, Tears still come to my eyes when I read a beautiful poem like yours. Your are a wonderful writer.
Wonderful! I could see all the players and how very cute they are. What a great picture book this will make. Is that what you intended? If not, think about it and enter it in contest. Good job! Keep up the great writing.
Hi Bob! You have a good start to a great story here. A few suggestions. First you need to space the paragraphs. This makes it easier to read. I can't tell you how many times I have been told that. I think I have it down now. LOL! OK, here we go.
1st paragraph, 1st sentence. drop whiles a and put of pure white sheets of snow - then you have to change glistened to glistening and twinkled to twinkling. 2nd sentence a coma is needed after crystals, the put and instead of while. End this with barely seen. Begin with The flower beds were frozen. drop had become. Next sentence drop as and became. Next add a coma after tranquil. then space for the next paragraph.
Start with IN the hospital yard. 3rd sentence drop were; as in and overgrown grass with traces of stucco. Last sentence - desolated look which was only... drop "to it."
Next paragraph ( with space between) - Remnants of piled (what?) were in heaps. drop which. the sentence with Men in blue dressing-gowns were sitting down and placing their heads onto the monotonous, white-colored walls. (add period) Question? why not tables?? why walls. If no tables then say so. New sentence - These were the lunatics. I would say "surrounding them was a stench of smouldering wicks, smoke and ammonia. Start new paragraph -
First sentence, drop mental and drop - that there were - then drop lunatic as it is repeating. we all know they are crazy. Take out that he was a religious man as it doesn't matter the way you have written this. I would put the description of him after you introduce him into the story. then add that he had not taken any new cases. His face looked surly with all his scars and his eyes were small and had a dull look to them. (Only a suggestion) His nose was red and shiny like the....He was scraggy with a paralyzed arm that swayed aimlessly back and forth when he walked. New paragraph - Drop new and follow with named Law.....period He was tall and thin with a slight stoop. Then put about his skin here. He wore a mournful, haggard look......He came for help from the doctor, but the clock struck thrice and the doctor headed for the door. (question - did he leave the drunk outside and not answer the door? Where and what happen to the drunk?) Finish the paragraph about leaving before the sun set and clean up this last paragraph. (Oh, instead of barely illuminated how about less than illuminated?
I hope this helps. Take it or leave it as you wish. Just tighten up your story and it will be fantastic. Keep up the good writing.
I really like your story, but there are some things you need to be aware of. I am going to go paragraph by paragraph.
1st paragraph - First sentence should end at student. Next sentence should start with "Barely graduated, AND with little to no people skills, or regard for their well being in general. I have added "and", then dropped peoples as it repeats the word. Next sentence take out "literally" as this is repetitive. Your last sentence put a period at the end of reward. Drop the rest.
Next line - When the hell did this happen? You do not need the exclamation point as those reading will get it.
2nd paragraph - Drop the beginning and start with WE need to go back..... Next sentence, drop "just." and end the sentence at years old. Start with I actually and drop the word "that." Just and that are useless words. Sometime we have to use them, but try really hard not to.
3rd paragraph - First sentence drop When I was and start with Just a few months before.... (This is one of the times you can use the word "just." ) Capitalize Western. Next sentence end it with afford. Begin with My parents. Drop simply. Space between Washington. I - Again drop "just." and add a period at the end of dad. There should be no coma between thought this would be good. Start with My new
4th paragraph - Capitalize That - End the 2nd sentence with detail. Begin with " I remember. add "my" muscles "were" tense and sore and end with hours, while, etc. Question. with the sentence about your mom comforting you whenever you had nightmares - does this mean you had them often? Maybe you want to rethink that sentence. Or you could drop "whenever..... Next sentence drop that. Capitalize This and drop "process," the coma and "single," ending it with 12. Start with "When - drop that and add the - then drop and add s to nightmare Next sentence but I did notice one thing. (Simple sentence) Next sentence - drop "wasn't just a nightmare they were all. Ever nightmare I had linked together like one giant horrible..... - Next sentence - drop "always." Capitalize On and drop the s on seems - Next drop "still." and add a period after talk. Start with That was when I realized, not only was something, etc. - but it didn't care how young and innocent her was. Drop are and still. Instead of assailing use assaulting.
Last paragraph - Capitalize As, add and I grew older, my parents "had" more children, drop and and start with I realized Lewis, my brother, and drtop also Begin next sentence with capital He drop that and use which correct to to of focus end with reduce. Begin with Clinically and put but he had enough sight - drop that where he could - drop can Next sentence "he" still seems to notice things I didn't for another couple of year.
My question for the ending is; Believed what? Why? You don't explain how your life ended up. You left the reader with too many questions.
This is a good story, you need to tighten it up and that is why I put a lot of effort into showing you how. I do hope this helps, however you can take use it or leave it. It is up to you.
Lynda with a Y
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