What a great little story you have written. There isn't one thing I would change about this. You keep up the great work and I will see more of your writing I hope.
Lynda with a Y ** Image ID #1920904 Unavailable **
I love this story and want to read more! Good writing. Only a few suggestions:
2nd paragraph - - 2nd sentence - drop almost. - drop down to the sentence "But he did have the most incredible eyes." I would delete "But" and end the sentence with eyes. Start new sentence "They we re light brown"
Go to paragraph that has "I turned back to my blank laptop screen - drop down to I remembered clearly - I would reverse that and say "clearly remembered"
double check using the word "that" and cut out as many as you can. Useless word. Sometimes we have to use it but not all the time.
Paragraph beginning with "So I settled in to work on" - 2nd sentence - use "given the" instead of "that" and drop that in the next part "know this story was.."
Paragraph beginning "My mom told me early on - drop "that" - the sentence with "horrible thing to tell a six year old, but - add "it" Further down delete the two "thats" in the sentences. End the sentence "I made a decision right then. I was going to expose" Read on down as there are some more "that" you can remove. Once again - GREAT STORY.
My suggestions are only to help. You can take or leave these suggestions. You are a very good writer. Keep up the good work.
Lynda with a Y ** Image ID #1920904 Unavailable **
Hi JeanMichelle. I read your story and it is good. There are a few things you need to do.
I would take as many that's and just, out of your writing. They are wasted words. I find myself doing the same thing still, even when I know it isn't good.
Your first paragraph, last sentence can be dropped as you have already said the same thing in the beginning.
2nd paragraph I would change thrown to given. At first glance it sounds like they are being thrown somewhere. Where you have "That changed quickly, though, because he..." I would eliminate though.
3rd paragraph. I would rework the second sentence and leave out of the the abouts. (That is repeating the word)
down where you say "I decided to tell he but wasn't sure how to say what I wanted to say. You need a comma after but and again you repeat. Just end the sentence with wasn't sure hwo to say it.
Where you have "Was I finally going to hear what I had waited for almost nine months to hear? Drop the "For almost.
4th paragraph - Last sentence - Make it a stand alone after the I told you this though. And you can get rid of "though".
5th paragraph - I would use jolt instead of kick and take out "to me". And again there are a few thats and just.
I hope this will be of help to you. It will tighten your story up. I look forward to reading more from you. Keep on writing.
Lynda with a Y ** Image ID #1920904 Unavailable **
How wonderful the poem and the gift from God. I find no reason to change anything. It is very precious. Would you dome a favor? When she is 14 or 15, would you write another poem for all of us? God Bless
Lynda with a Y ** Image ID #1920904 Unavailable **
I really like this poem. I think the writing (and I mean literally) should be straighten up but the poem itself is great. I would not change anything but the first stanza - I think you mean stop instead of stoop. I can be wrong. Great job. Keep writing.
Lynda with a Y ** Image ID #1920904 Unavailable **
Dear Hart. I have read your writing and it has left me in wonderment, thinking and spellbound. It is beautiful. What a gift you have. I found nothing to change as you have written this piece so very well. Keep up this wonderful writing of yours.
I like your story, but I am having a hard time relating the first paragraph to the second. They seem to have nothing i common. I would have picked one or the other and written more about it. I realize that you tried to tye it together with "Now i sit upon mu bed of smoke....." But it still does not relate, at least to me, what this is all about. With that said and done, each paragraph in its' own right is very good. So, take or leave my notations. With the two paragraphs I can tell you will be an excellent writer!
This is a good scary story. I really like it. Next time be sure to space your paragraphs as it makes it easier to read. I am going to have to run but will reread this again and come back and give you a full rundown, if there is any, for you. In the meantime from what I have read I think is it very good. Have a great Memorial Day.
Lynda with a Y ** Image ID #1920904 Unavailable **
I really like your poem. I think I would rework lines 4- 7. ONly because it jumps from the coyote to him. I don't know. It just doesn't flow there. I loved the beginning. It is so beautiful. Take or leave what I have said. But, whatever, keep up the great writing.
Lynda with a Y ** Image ID #1920904 Unavailable **
First off I hope you have gotten over your fear of the dentist. LOL!
OK, 3rd paragraph -" my eyes slowly open seeing a man hovering"
"With a sigh of relief I respond to my mom" and last but not least "I swore to myself that day, I would never go to a dentist again." This last part I would keep as a complete sentence. These are the only corrections I saw that needed to be made. Great job and such a very for real story! Funny and yet not so funny for little ones.
Great job. Keep on writing!
Lynda with a Y - ** Image ID #1920904 Unavailable **
A truly beautiful poem. Very well written. I read it several times and found nothing I would change. Keep up the great work! Your writing is wonderful.
Lynda with a Y ** Image ID #1920904 Unavailable **
Hello R.G. Hosman. I like you story very much. It is very interesting and mystical. As for suggestions: Get rid of as many "thats" as you can.
In the first paragrah you mention at the las, which of the two happened. There seemed to be more than two incidences. 2nd paragraph here should be hear. At the end of static you need a semi colon. Also put a space between - could not tell/female-
Get rid of the just. All of these that and just sometimes as, get all blog down.
4th paragraph - rewrite this sentence. Let him pull into the parking lot at the intersection, answer the phone then hear the horrible accident. Last sentence ad should be and. These are only suggestions to help you with. I used "that" so much my critique group wanted to throw me out. These are dead words. Sometimes you just have to use that.
This really is a great story.
Good luck to you and keep on writing!
Lynda with a Y - House of Hightower {image1920904-25%}
What a great little story! It sounds like a prologue to me. I have read it several times and the only thing I would change is the sentence "The whirring stopped. The computer couldn't play the games anymore. I would take it out as we already know who it is" Great job! Keep on writing.
Lynda with a Y ** Image ID #1920904 Unavailable **
I would like to comment on this more, but, who is he and what is flats??Who is the person everyone is ignoring? Is it the bench? Has a bird pooped on it, h=therefore no one is wanting to sit there? Interesting, but needs a bit more to tell the reader what is going on. Very well written, but needs more explanation. Change it up some.
This is only my personal explanation and critique. Take it or leave it.
Lynda with a Y - House of Hightower ** Image ID #1920904 Unavailable **
WOW! I like this poem. It is so interesting and wonderful all in the same context. I have no critiques for you as I think it is so good. Keep up this beautiful writing and I look forward to reading more from you.
Lynda with a Y - House of Hightower
** Image ID #1920904 Unavailable **
I think you have a beautiful poem and I like the way it rhymes.
In the very first sentence, do you mean dear instead of clear? Clear does not make sense to me. (Just me, doesn't mean it would not make sense to others)
Any time you use i, it should be capitalized like I.
Fourth stanza, lie. shouldn't you use it only once.
Sixth stanza, too many words and it seem to break the flow. I would rewrite it.
Last stanza - get rid of got what life has for us in it's store.
Use your commas and apostrophes.
I really love your poem. You have a gift. Keep on writing.
Hi! I have read your story and I think the story itself is very good. I did notice that you have not spaced your paragraphs apart and it makes it difficult to read. (Not to worry-I did the same thing in the beginning.) It is important when you have someone talking. to be sure you separate them from the rest.
Example: I felt someone next to me.
"May I....sit here?" I hope that makes sense. You also have some spelling errors, or left out words. Read your story out loud to yourself. This is when you will catch a bunch of errors. Don't forget. Spacing is so important for reading your story. When someone talks they need to be separate from the rest.
You have a great story. I like it a lot. I would like to reread it when you correct your errors.
Lynda with a Y - House of Hightower ** Image ID #1920904 Unavailable **
All Writing.Com images are copyrighted and may not be copied / modified in any way. All other brand names & trademarks are owned by their respective companies.
Generated in 0.27 seconds at 4:30pm on May 17, 2024 via server web1.
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
) It is important when you have someone talking. to be sure you separate them from the rest.