Having already read part of Trinity lost I have found this very interesting. It works very well as part of the story and gives extra insight of the girl's inner emotions. I think some important clues are hidden in the middle stanzas.
As a poem itself it lacks a bit of rythm and the ryhme is sometimes a bit forced or absent. But, as may be the case, one has to keep in mind the position of the person actually writing this in the story so emotions prevail on grammar.
I have really enjoyed reading this poem and can easily share the sentiment in it. The initial part gave me a sense of tranquillity that was real up to a certain point for there is always something inside ready to creep up on you when you least expect. In this case it was memories of the past, and what a colourful image you drew here.
I like your style of writing and am adding you to my favourite authors for future reads.
I hope you will add to this poem as I feel it deserves your time. I find that in that bottomless hole there is many an opportunity to write great honest poetry. Hope you find the source for your inspiration....don't worry if its dark, you don't need sight for this sort of thing.
I Love the way you put this peace together. It seems every single word is there to serve a distinct purpose. The ryhme scheme is one that appeals to me a lot. Some bits I had to read several times to find the meaning to, like:
It is the presence nature represents
That died to purchase back our innocence,
Anyway, a great poem, very well written and presented. I look forward to read more.
If this poem has a flaw it is that it's too short in my opinion. I think the subject you chose and the way you went at it would have deserved some more lines, maybe another stanza.
Inspiration. We take it as it comes, don't we? I think it's great of you to honour past poets and I hope we'll be an inspiration to others as poets ourselves.
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I chose to review this poem because it had no rating. Pity. I think the beginning is really good, especially the first and third stanza, but I feel the poem goes a bit downhill after that and in some points is a bit repetitive. There are a couple of typos, nothing serious though. With a little work this could make a much better read, its witty and comical, all it needs is a little refining. Thanks for sharing.
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I am very intrigued by this poem. The soul as a dungeon! Great imagery and metaphor. I like the way this was written, it makes a really great read, something to read over and over, loudly preferably. Sometimes you seem to have gone a bit too far though, as in:
Tread careful if enter you;
Maybe: Tread careful if enter you do;
would have worked better.
Anyway, great work and thanks for donating to Mandy's Auction.
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This poem is touching in a way that I'm sure everyone can understand. We all hit rock bottom every now and then, but, as described in this poem, we bounce back.
You use simple but effective language in this poem, and in my opinion it works wonders. There is a feeling of fragility but at the same time determination to recover.
Though the poem doesn't always flow easily this doesn't seem to diminish it since the subject seems to allow that, if you know what I mean.
Thanks for participating in Equilibrium's raffle, I will review 5 items from your port, and it's a pleasure.
Not a bad poem but it needs some work. You have a basically good idea of what you want and the metaphors used are very good and creative. I would go over it again, punctuate it properly and check out some spellings, ez to = too, in 2 places. May I suggest you post your poems on the shameless plug page because it's a shame you have no reviews. I am reviewing this publicly and I hope others will check your port out too. Write on!
I sense a feeling of frustration and turmoil in this poem. It's obviously written with heart and that's plain to see. I think if you would put pauses in it every now and then, it would be easier to read and to understand. Very good poem none the less.
Lovely message in this poem! My favourite bit is this one:
But when his eyes are opened
And he looks with love at others,
He begins to see not strangers
But understanding brothers.
As a poem in itself I found it a bit plain to read. The main problem seems to be the flow, but I cannot figure out why. Anyway, good work!
This to me sounds like an unfinished poem. It's a great stanza, and I can grasp the emotions going through your head when you wrote it but I think you could have elaborated more on it, searched deeper for answers or even for more questions. Sometimes poems don't come easy and you have to do a lot of soul searching to get anywhere, but it's worth it in the end, believe me.
Brillant poem, very interesting. You rhyme well and the rythm is good. An entertaining read which I see has not been reviewd yet. I am going to review this publicly, hoping others read it too. It's worth the time, especially for the ending!
This is truly a masterpiece and your talent is obvious reading this. I like the idea and the simlicity by which you tell your story. The only flaw I found is that maybe you went too far to stay in your 8-8-8-8 abcb form. Some lines sound unnatural or forced in. The same poem written more freely would deserve a 5 in my opinion.
I found this article very interesting. Very often when I'm writing a story I find myself limited on certain subjects. If I'm writing crime I tend to need info on guns or other weapons. Or, more often, if I want to write a story based in another country I really feel the need to be as accurate as possible. The info is not always so readily available though, I guess internet is the solution. Thanks for the tips!
Unbelievably honest and straightforward poem. It's very hard to write this well when the feelings are so strong. You didn't get carried away with hatred. I like your style and look forward to reading more soon.
Poems like this are hard to write and even harder to share. You've done a good job on both accounts. I feel almost taken aback by the honesty but the feeling is softened by the last 2 stanzas. The poem stumbles a couple of time but it doesn't effect the reader so much. Good work!
This is a great personal and honest poem. Even though it was written for a contest is feels natural, not at all forced. That's a great achievment. I particularly like this one:
Eventual bliss will
Come our way as we
Tear down barriers
Very real and applies to every couple in my opinion.
Great write!
This poem is not bad but I feel it needs some work. You use the right words but some lines are too short so you loose the flow of the poem. I also suggest putting the first 2 lines in past tense because they sound out of place. Write on!
Very interesting story, I enjoyed reading it. I think it needs some work though, it seems to stumble a bit in some parts. I suggest going through the spelling too. All in all a good story though, well done. I hope you keep writing and post some other things in your port. If you set your bioblock it would be better too, it makes it more friendly and gives info about you.
This is a good poem and the concept is there. I would suggest (if i may) that you try to give it some sort of form and rhyme. I know poetry doesn't have to rhyme but let's face it, it makes it a better read and that's what you want. Personally I'm glad when someone says they enjoyed reading a poem of mine. Good job anyway, write on!
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