Wow! Matt, this was good! Very good! I LOVED the ending! Great job!
I made a few notes. I hope you find the suggestions helpful!
1) I however, awoke a lot later than the beautiful morning scene- around half ten. >> Somethings missing here, I think. Maybe: I, however, awoke a lot later than usual to the beautiful morning scene- around half ten.
2) After having my rather boring breakfast of toast and scrambled eggs, I left my home and walked towards my car I noted the Halloween décor on my road. >> Maybe a period after 'car' or an 'and'?
3) Children loved going to her house because they always got more than just sweets; she’d also give out toys and books. One year, a child even got a goldfish- the authorities told her not to give fish out to children again. However, the children had learned... >> Maybe delete some of the 'children's'. >> Children loved going to her house because they always got more than just sweets; she’d also give out toys and books. One year, a child even got a goldfish- the authorities told her not to give fish out again. However, the trick-or-treaters had learned...
4) The voice from the other end said in a low grumbling tone,
“Trick or treat?” I assumed it was my boss playing a joke for Halloween.
“Treat!” I responded whilst sniggering,
This is how I might redo this little section. >>
The voice from the other end said in a low grumbling tone, “Trick or treat?”
I assumed it was my boss playing a joke for Halloween. “Treat!” I responded whilst sniggering. >> This way the dialogue is next to the appropriate internal thought.
5) When they checked my phone records they ‘the records showed no calls to my residence in three days’. >> Maybe add a little here to make it clearer? >> They checked my phone records and said no calls had come into my residence in three days.
6) I passed the homeless man who I had seen earlier, again I wanted to give him money but I only had enough money to buy myself a hot tea, the cold air was biting at my skin. >> Maybe separate into two sentences and change the wording a bit to avoid repetition and passiveness. >>As I passed the homeless man who I had seen earlier, the cold air bit at my skin. Again I wanted to give him money but I only had enough change left in my pocket to buy myself a hot tea,
7) She hadn’t done anything special, but I thought that she looked quite weak so I was trying to perk her up a little. >> Maybe try: She looked somewhat forlorn, so I tried to perk her up a little.
8) The warm tea had made me sense, and that it was impossible for anyone to guarantee someone’s death. >> Not sure what you are trying to say here.
9) No matter how much I tried my body would refuse to move. >> I think you can delete 'would' here.
10) for if I did they would surly assume that it was I who had done the deed >> Typo--surely.
11) Come to where I am now >> How would Sam know where to go...where his boss is?
12) I wanted to him, but my body refused to move. >> wanted to GO to him
13) as I watched the blood spill that voice in my mind was whispering >> my mind whispered--to get rid of passive 'was'.
14) My heart dropped as my mind contemplated staying and hoping he would be the one to drop, and yet there was a small voice in my head telling me to stop >> Not sure, but maybe you are trying to say this? >> My heart dropped as my mind contemplated running and hoping he would not be the one to drop, and yet a small voice in my head told me to stay
15) My body didn’t refuse to what I said, because I wanted to stay >> Missing word--'refuse to DO what I said'.
16) I sat down on the bench and sighed as it began to rain. >> Earlier in the story you talked about the sun shining. You might want to mention the changing weather before saying it's raining--you know, a darkening sky or ominous clouds gathering. Or did I miss it?
17) The man went limp and fell to the floor. >> Isn't he outside? If so, maybe it should be the ground he fell to.
18) He had his hood up so that it concealed his face. >> If his face was concealed, how did Sam know it was him? Maybe he recognized the drab, worn clothing?
19) I have been expecting you.” He said in a soft, sinister voice. “You have made some very big decisions today. You have taken four lives, ripped there being from this planet. >> Punctuation and typos--'their' and 'he'. >> I have been expecting you,” he said in a soft, sinister voice. “You have made some very big decisions today. You have taken four lives, ripped their being from this planet.
20) “I would not call it a privilege.” I spat >> Comma instead of period.
21) when you begged for a treat >> typo--'when I'
22) “Now, now” The man interrupted, “Swearing is a very naughty thing to do, and you don’t want to be a naughty boy now do you?” >> Hmm... Maybe try punctuating this like this: “Now, now...” the man interrupted. “Swearing is a very naughty thing to do, and you don’t want to be a naughty boy now do you?”
23) I sat on the other side of the room waiting for my family to arrive. >> Why? why did he just sit there? Why didn't he try to stop what he knew was about to happen? Did the Angel of death have him in some mental grip or something?
24) A whole ten minutes of this process went on and at the end my mother was a pile of dusty bones and my father an un-grown foetus surrounded by a damp puddle. >> OH! How sick...and so very COOL! What an imagination you have!
25) a face never tells a lie. >> Good!
My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed"  .
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only ** |
|
| (4.5)
| (4.0)
View Portfolio
Visit Notebook
Send Gift Points
Awards
Badges
Send Email
Community Newsfeed
General Discussion
Sponsored Items
Book of Trinkets
Static Items
Books
Groups
Interactive Stories
Audio
Campfire Creatives
Community Notes
Crossword Puzzles
Documents
Folders
Images
In & Outs
Madlibs
Photo Albums
Polls
Product Reviews
Quizzes
Survey Forms
Web Pages
Word Searches
