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347 Public Reviews Given
395 Total Reviews Given
Public Reviews
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51
51
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hello k.i.montgomery,

What a lovely little tale you have here. I'd like to make just a few suggestions. I hope you find these helpful.

1) One crisp fall evening I and my four cousins were visiting Anishinabe, our Ojibwa grandmother. She lived in a small cabin on the edge of a great pine forest. She lived alone, keeping the old ways and customs of the People. My cousins and I were thrilled to be spending the night with her. The ancient cabin was snug and warm and a lively fire chattered in the field stone fireplace. >> Let me use this first paragraph as an example of how a little rewording can eliminate passive voice, redundant words and repetition and in the process maybe draw the reader into the story a little faster and further.

Maybe try something like this:
One crisp fall evening my four cousins and I visited Anishinabe, our Ojibwa grandmother. She lived in a small cabin on the edge of a great pine forest. She lived alone, keeping the old ways of the People. The five of us were thrilled to be spending the night with her. A lively fire chattered in the field stone fireplace, warming the ancient cabin.

2) Delighted we all traced the outline of Rabbit. We were secretly thrilled that Rabbit had won the contest. >> Another example. >> Delighted we all traced the outline of Rabbit, secretly thrilled he had won the contest. >> No 'were'.

3) Biscuits were baking in the oven and a thick rabbit stew bubbled on the stove. >> One more example. >> The mouth-watering aroma of biscuits baking in the oven and a thick rabbit stew bubbling on the stove filled our noses, causing our tummies to rumble. >> No 'were'.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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52
52
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Great job again! You have talent galore. Keep writing!
Melissa
53
53
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Hi again Matt!

This was GREAT!

Here are a few notes I made along the way...when I wasn't on the floor laughing.

1) Mark Smith was sitting in his kitchen, listening to the birds singing in his back garden. His wife Alison was complaining about not having her cheese grater and Mark was getting increasingly annoyed at his wife. He eventually turned away from the window and looked at her, >> There is a lot of use of 'was' in here. I wonder if you might reword some sentences to get rid of passive voice. >>
Mark Smith sat in his kitchen, trying to listen to the birds singing in his back garden. His wife, Alison, stood behind him, complaining about not having her cheese grater. Her voice drowned out the birds. Mark pinched the bridge of his nose, huffed and turned from the window. >> See? No 'was'.

2) “Thanks for that, if you thought I was going to climb that part of the mountain you were wrong.” >> ROFL!!! Haha!

3) The cane was spinning so fast it produced... >> Her is another place you can easily get rid of the dreaded 'was'. >> The cane spun so fast it produced...

4) The dragon that had flown away had come back... >> 'Had'--another passive word to be avoided if possible. >> The dragon circled back around...

5) He too was feeling uncomfortable. >> He too felt uncomfortable.

6) The castle stunk of… well, cheese. >> LOL! You are great!

Loved this so much!!!! I'm still snickering.

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My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
54
54
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hi J Mac,

Boy! What a voice you have. Very distinct. And the descriptions of the people and their lives--so real, not at all sugar-coated. I felt as if I could see them, and more importantly, like I knew them. You are talented.

The description of the dad pushing the tub down the street on skateboards was the best part for me, I think.

Great job.

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55
Review of Beltane  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Ali!

I truly liked this piece. There were several great lines, but my favorite was, ' I walk towards the fire and let the healing smoke curl around me.'

This is my second favorite...with the typo fixed. :) 'Dawn is only a few minutes away, but the sky is pitch black, as if night will never let loosen its hold.'

Here a are couple of little things you might want to revisit:

I take a swig and let the fire wash away my worry. >> This confused me for just a second. Since the last paragraph was mostly describing the fires and their cleansing effect, May be you could clarify this a bit...if I am understanding it correctly. >> I take a swig and let the fiery liquid wash away my worry.

...and when I feel her melt into my arms >> I think I would connect with this line more if left out the I feel part. We are in his POV and know he is feeling everything he describes. >>
and she melts into my arms

Hope these few things help.

Good Job!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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56
56
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hello S.B.,

So very sweet and poignant. I wouldn't change the feel of this piece for anything. I only have a few technical things to suggest.

In the beginning when he is whispering to himself, I might put quotation marks around those few words and let the rest of it come to us as his thoughts. >>
Where are you? The old man whispered. I wish to be with you. You…you went without telling me. He spoke stammering. I wanted to be with you till my death.
"Where are you?" the old man whispered. I wish to be with you. You…you went without telling me. I wanted to be with you till my death.

I never touched alcoholic drinks, >> In this line, I might delete 'drinks' since we can all assume he is referring to them. >>
I never touched alcohol,

You were so beautiful and attractive. >> Here I might delete the last two words. Beautiful and attractive mean close to the same thing to me. Also, saying both kind of takes away some of the strength of the sentence, the feeling.

its all ab out you. >> typo. Extra space in 'about'.

Great job making us feel what he is.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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57
57
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Wow! Excellent! You have very unique imagination. I felt as if I were right there with the crew on board the ship and then exploring the strange new planet. I only wish there was more to this story.

On little section might warrant a second look.

They seem to all have dark hair; which looks to be either black or deep purple or blue when exposed to the light of the strange mushroom like plants used to light the pathways of their tunnels. They seem aptly adept at exploring the darkness without the use of the mushroom I have determined to be called a lewint.

Both of these sentences start with 'They seem'. The first one caused me to pause. I wasn't sure why you said they seemed to all have dark hair. First, I thought maybe it wasn't hair at all and read on. Then, I thought maybe the MC just hadn't seen enough of this alien people to be sure they all had dark hair. Next, I wondered if the MC was simply hesitant about the hair because it seemed a different color in the light.

Hope this helps. :)

I loved 'Dragula' as well and wish you well in our little contest.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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58
Review of Red Confusion  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hi Jacksley!

What a great story and you told it so well!

I have just a couple of suggestions.

First, this one paragraph seemed to be told in an omniscient voice where as most the rest of the story did not. I wonder if changing just a couple of words might change that.

Eli Thatcher couldn't resist the impulse to steal a quick glance at his wife sitting in the passenger seat as they drove. The trip had been spontaneous and there were no plans. That really didn't matter - both Eli and Jaimee needed a break from their hectic lives. Although being late for the Thatcher Family Reunion wasn't the ideal holiday, they would make things work. They always did, always had, and always would. Even in the worst of circumstances, Eli and Jaimee Thatcher created an upside to everything.

I might try this:

Eli Thatcher couldn't resist the impulse to steal a quick glance at his wife sitting in the passenger seat as they drove. The trip had been spontaneous and there were no plans. That really didn't matter - both he and Jaimee needed a break from their hectic lives. Although being late for the Thatcher Family Reunion wasn't the ideal holiday, they would make things work. They always did, always had, and always would. Even in the worst of circumstances, he and Jaimee created an upside to everything. >> I changed Eli to 'he' and took off Jaimee's last name since you already told us she was his wife in the first sentence. Now it seems to be more in his POV to me.

Second, you do an excellent job describing what is happening, but I wish you had given us a little more of what Eli was feeling in those crucial moments. For instance:

Wait - Eli realized that his brakes weren't working just as his small car slid past the octagonal sign. But his brakes were working. He could hear them. He could hear the distinct screech that he'd grown accustomed to every time those brakes were touched. The car was spinning. Eli caught from the corner of his eye Jaimee's horrified expression. >> What was he feeling? Was his heart in his throat? Did he gasp, yell? Did adrenaline race through his body making his every nerve ending jump? lol I don't know, I just wanted know more...to feel what he was feeling.

Good job!

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59
59
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Bethany!

First I must congratulate you on finishing your manuscript. Many aspire to write a novel and never actually do, I think. Next, I want to compliment you on your very clean query letter. I found nothing hard to understand and no grammar or punctuation errors.

There was one thing that came to mind as I read though. I was surprised when I got to the part about her 'supernatural arsenal' since her having powers was not mentioned before this when you talked about her mother and abusive potential stepfathers. Are her powers something new to her? What kind of powers does she have? Were they something present all along, inherent? Or are they learned skills such as witchcraft?

Great job!
I hope this helps.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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60
60
Rated: E | (5.0)
LOL! Let me try this again. I hit the wrong button and lost it.

Great job! You managed to make us feel as if this inanimate object was alive. By alive, I mean it has a soul and feelings.

There was just one sentence I might look at again if this was my work.

Like a torch being lit, there was a blossoming of heat and light into flame, a great orb of fire suspended in the blackness of space. >>
Like a torch being lit, a blossoming of heat and light into flame became a great orb of fire suspended in the blackness of space.

Wonderful, imaginative work!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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61
61
Rated: E | (5.0)
Great job! You managed to make us feel almost as if an inanimate object was alive. By alive, I mean it seemed to have a soul and feelings.

There was only one sentence I might look at again if this were my work.
62
62
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Hello Kris,

What a sad and disturbing tale. You told it very well. We easily see and follow the decline of this boy's spirit as it was crushed but those around him, especially the aunt. I felt great empathy for him from the beginning and it only intensified throughout. Very well done.

I have just a couple of observations I'd like to comment on as a reader.

Each time we are in Tommy's POv and you refer to him as 'the boy' it pulls me out of the story. At first, I wondered if we were still in his POV, but soon realized we were. Maybe just using his name or 'he' in these places would be less confusing?

The boy was saying something. The deputy went down on his knees and touched the boy's shoulders. They were cold, very cold. But what he was saying chilled him to the bone. >> Also in a few places, there was some pronoun confusion. The last sentence here would be clearer maybe if you named either 'he' or 'him'.

Great job!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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Review of Fox Paw  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Hello!
I must say I found your story emotionally disturbing...but that is a good thing. :) Anytime you write something that moves someone else, you have done your job very well.

The imagery was well done, IMO, all but one small thing I noted below, along with a few other points you might want to consider.

1) My mother’s snow colored minivan paused at the end of the street and then took a right turn out of my life. >> 'Snow colored' caused me to pause after just reading all of the descriptions of the heat--sweat, scorched Desert canyon. Maybe think of another way to let us know the color of the van that coincides with the rest, or just leave 'snow colored out.

2) From concrete to asphalt to grass to gravel >> I wonder if these should be separated with commas.

3) She was all alone, while he was surrounded by family and friends who thought him to be a saint- the judge overseeing the divorce was his fishing buddy for God's sake! >> I would separate this into two sentences.

4) No one believed he was anything but a saint. >> You call him a saint in two out of three sentences. Maybe change one up a bit?

5) So he kept on ruling over my siblings, my mother, and myself until a loophole in the custody agreement shimmied into sight one day in math class. >> This sentence stumped me for a second. First, I would simplify 'kept on ruling' to 'ruled'. Next, 'shimmied' took me a moment to understand. Maybe a simpler term would help move this along for the reader? Last, I wondered what about a math class would cause the child to get the idea...which at this point, I didn't understand either. I read the next few lines and got what the idea was, but still didn't get why it came in math class. Just me? Very well could be. :)

6) and starting that day I started writing stories where victory and defeat were harder to define. >> Starting and started so close together. Maybe just delete the first one. The sentence reads OK without it. Or: and form that day forward, I started writing stories where victory and defeat were harder to define. >> or something like.

I was hoping there would be a happier ending to this poor child's situation, but I realize not all things turn out as would wish.

Great writing. You have talent!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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64
64
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
This is the third of your pieces I've read, I must confess. And they are hot and yet sweet, all rolled into one. Great job! I wonder, now, what else I will find in your port.

The only technical things I would change are a few missing commas here or there, but hesitate to point any out as I feel they might be gone on purpose as a style thing. The storytelling of Frank and Beth's escapades I would not change at all.

Thanks for the great read.
Melissa

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Review of Year by Year  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hello Jeff!

Wonderful. So insightful and honest. I think many of us can identify with the awkward years of childhood and certainly with making poor choices or decisions as an adult.

Again, as I said with your other piece, I wouldn't change a thing.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .

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66
66
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
Hi brom21! I enjoyed your short story. Here are a few suggestions on things I might change if it were mine:

Let's start with the opening line. >> Jared stared wide eyed with tears. >> It's good, but I think it could be better. I want to be inside this guy's head, in his body, feeling his pain. Maybe try something like this: Jared's heart slammed into his ribs. His mouth dropped open and he fell to his knees. "No. Noooo!"

Next, you don't have to tell us 'he beheld'. We are already in his point of view, so we know it is through his eyes that we are seeing this. Just this would suffice: The once emerald green sky of Zatire was now veiled with a cloak of black smoke.

The same with this sentence. >> His eyes scanned... We know it is him, his eyes, doing the scanning and I'm told that we should avoid 'wondering body parts'. Just so you know, I heard this long ago and had forgotten until yesterday when someone else pointed it out in my own work. So, I'm guilty of this as well. :) Anyways, I think just, 'He scanned the hellish... would do it. Then my next question about this sentence is, why? Why was he scanning the area. I know why, since I've read more of this story before, but others may not. Was he scanning for survivors of the mayhem? If so, maybe tell us. >> He scanned the hellish inferno of burning debris, praying he was not the last of his people. There were no signs of life.

Jared looked up at the towers of the city ablaze. >> Technically there is nothing wrong with this sentence, but I might reword it a little, if it were mine, to make it a bit more interesting. >> The once majestic towers of the city now lay in ruins, blackened, hollowed shells all that remained. >> Again, we are already in Jared's head so we know that all you describe here is being seen through his eyes.

He wished that he blink his eyes and go back in time when they glowed with the nostalgic blue sun. >> I would delete 'that' and put 'could' after 'he'. 'That' is a word we all over use in everyday speech, but should be careful about in our writing. If you can take 'that' out of the sentence and it still make perfect sense, you should.

Hope these few suggestions help. :)

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Review of Fear Itself  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Very good! I was right there with her and I never guessed what the outcome would be before I got to it. The ending was maybe a little confusing. I got that she was the one in a coma, but wasn't sure if she was the driver as well?

1) I see my small apt, >> I am told you should not abbreviate--apartment.

2) "Will she be alright?"
Turning to the young nurse at his side, Dr. Larkin sadly replies "The driver has minor injuries, but I don't believe she will ever return from this coma" >> Probably just me, but this confused me. I read it several times and still wasn't sure. Is she the driver? The driver and she are the one and the same?

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
68
68
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Oh. I love this:

I was cleaning the apartment when I found a drop of love on the carpet.

I've said it before, you have talent. Great.
69
69
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Excellent. Heartfelt and warm. The truth and honesty in your work is more than evident. Great job. I wouldn't change a thing.
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Review of Breaking Glass  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
You are truly talented. There is such emotion in your work and your characters seem so 'real' to me. I only hope I can write as well one day. Great job! I was riveted from the very beginning, just as I was with your other piece. Please let me know if you ever decide to post more to your portfolio.

Melissa

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
71
71
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
I love that you told this from a very 'real' feeling woman's POV. I assume, since you name is Kev, that you are a male. Great Job!

Just a few things:

Clusters of ship were grouped over large urban areas >> Typo - ships.

What appeared to be a giant silver humanoid robot started down the ramp, >> I can't get a clear picture in my head from 'started'. Maybe try something more descriptive like 'floated' or 'hobbled', something that helps the reader 'see' what an alien moves like.

Mugs?!? >> I am told you should only use one form of punctuation and your writing should show the rest of the emotion.

The robot could sense our less than thrilled reaction to his gift, but wildly missed the reason. "Don't worry Earthlings." >> Until now, this was told to us through one POV. This almost feels like a POV slip...a little. I wonder if you could rewrite this one sentence to stay in the original POV and still get the point across. And I'd also add a comma after 'worry'.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
72
72
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Good job.

I wonder if a little rewording could help get rid of the 'was' throughout this piece. Examples:

1) The next thing he knew, Bill was waking up bound to a white table made of something plastic-like. Looking around the room he saw a strange assortment of tools and devices whose functions he probably didn't want to know. The weirdest part of the
room was the fact that everything was colored a bright white. Even the robe he was now wearing was the same color white. >> Psst. If you choose to leave it as is, you might want to add a comma after 'Looking around the room'.

Bill woke to find himself bound to a white table made of something plastic-like. A strange assortment of tools and devices, whose functions he didn't want to know, lay next to 'his' table on another. As the weird fog shrouding his brain began to fade, he glanced around. The strange room and everything in it gleamed bright white. Even the robe he now wore was the same white.

2) While otherwise humanoid, their skin was a bright lime green. >> While otherwise humanoid, their skin glowed a bright lime green.

3) The voice was mechanical sounding and seemed to come from a device strapped to his throat. >> His mechanical sounding voice seemed to come from a device strapped to his throat.

OK. This,' Bill complied', had me going, 'What? No! Don't do it!" And even after, he just seemed so nonchalant. I think I would have been screaming my head off. But, that's just me. :)

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
73
73
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
It is definitely a struggle for me and many, I'm sure, to believe in something that is not tangible, something you cannot see with your eyes. I struggle with this myself in some ways. I found this article well written, thought provoking and enjoyable, all but the last line. That line makes me wonder if this was written for or to someone in particular. It seems personal.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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74
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Loved it! This made me laugh at the surprise ending. It was not at all what I expected. I was thinking all 'dark and dangerous', not satire.

The only thing I might change, and mind you I know nothing about poetry, is the 'had' in the third line. I would delete it.

Melissa

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
75
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Review of The Ellylion  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Great story and world building! Loved it.

Just found one sentence that seemed to be missing something, a word perhaps:

This point failed to stop Hamish becoming angry with them when they took melons from the Giant’s favorite patch. >> Maybe there should be another from after 'Hamish'?

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
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