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76
76
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Excellent and also would make a great children's book in my humble opinion. I couldn't find a single thing I'd change. Great writing and an awesome story and moral.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
77
77
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.5)
What a great tale. This would make an excellent children's book. I know my youngest would love to have this story read to him and I can just imagine the art work for it. Great job!

I only found a few things I might change, mostly the over use of the word 'that'. Just IMO, of course.

1) I would say to you that this is correct but that it was not always so >> I would delete a least the second 'that' in this sentence.

2) For example, you must never say that you hate your little brother because he ate the last of the licorice allsorts, even though this would be a most dastardly thing to do. It is proper, however, to say that you hate to eat Brussels sprouts because there is nothing good to say about Brussels sprouts. >> I would also delete the 'thats' here too.

3) Therefore, Hobgoblyns would bash the spiders with their boots whenever they could, and because of this there came a time when Araniella was the last of her kind. >> I don't know if this is correct or not, but it feels like there should be a comma after 'because of this'. I had to read the sentence twice before I could figure out what the last part meant.

4) She taught them to weave webs the color of leaves and mosses and lichens, so that they could live out of sight from the clobbering Hobgoblyns and flourish. >> I would also delete 'that' here.

5) The Sprite, seeing that this was more evidence of a golden heart, allowed this. >> I would rework this sentence a tiny bit. Remove the 'that' and second 'this'. >> The Sprite, seeing this as more evidence of a golden heart, allowed the the transfer. Or something like. :)

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
78
78
Review of Trilla  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Oh and I thought you didn't do romance. This is very nice...very sweet.

The only thing I might change is the following two sentences that are fairly close together in the piece. A little rewording of the beginning of one would do it.

There is a commotion outside and you see more villagers entering the village.
There is a commotion at the door and one of the boys brings in a small wicker chest.

Melissa

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
79
79
Review of Candi from Hell  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
HaHa! Loved your story and really loved the MC's accounts of the events. Great job!

1) "You've got to be kidding me!!! That tub of lard is the Key!?!" Candi watched horrified as >> I am told you should only use one form of punctuation. Your writing should show whatever else you might need. Which it does nicely. >> "You've got to be kidding me! That tub of lard is the Key?"

2) "I'm Kellvin" he said, speaking directly to her chest. >> lol I know the feeling as most girls have at one time or another, I'm sure. Nice touch.

3) He started spouting off some nonsense about letting his mother live with him. >> LOLOL! I just realized this is the same guy! Too funny! Good one.

4) These angelbonds will strip a demon like her of all her powers while she's wearing them. It will be a simple matter for me to subdue her once we find her and these will ensure that she is no longer a threat." >> Oops. Forgot that " at the beginning.

5) So, The only thing to do was watch >> Typo - So, the...

6) luckily he was able to banish her >> Typo - Luckily

7) Cut the crap Halley, you know I'm not buying it. >> Maybe try the punctuation like this. >> Cut the crap, Halley. You know I'm not buying it.

8) well, you see, I just had the most wonderful idea >> Typo - Well,

9) Halley had screwed with Kellvin's head so badly that she'd never get him to trust her. >> This is a perfect place to show how you can cut unnecessary words we all over use to make a tighter sentence - that. >>
Halley had screwed with Kellvin's head so badly, she'd never get him to trust her.

10) "You fucking bitch." Halley continued to smirk. "I guess I don't have a choice, I'll do it." >> Since this is Candi talking and not Hallie, you might want to clue the reader in with a tag. >> "You fucking bitch," Candi snarled. Halley continued to smirk

11) That first part where Kellvin is posting about his experiences with Hallie...I think I would put it after what actually happened like you did later on. It makes more sense that way since he couldn't have posted it till after the actual events take place, right?.

12) I on the other hand was soon completel covered. >> I, on the other hand, was soon completely covered. >> Fixed the typo and added the commas needed.

13) turns out it had only been around one >> Hour?

14) You are the most studly man I have ever met." she told me >> I would delete 'she told me'. You already let us know she was the one talking.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
80
80
Review of Triple Danger  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
LOL! I can see why the women who read this were laughing and the men cringing. Good job! Written like a true woman scorned would, I bet.

1) Rodger Longshanks looked at his cellphone. >> HaHa! Love the name.

2) “Well, don’t say I didn’t warn you,” the old man said, running as fast as he could. >> Running away or after Rodger. After reading the rest, I figured it was away,- lol - but on the first read I wasn't sure.

3) At this, Rodger became extremely scared >> Two sentences below this, you also start with 'At this'. Maybe reword one a bit? Also, I'd like to see Rodger's fear instead of being told he is scared. Is he trembling? Does his heart kick up about ten notches?

4) “I don’t see any ropes,” he said, a confused expression on his face. >> In the sentence before this you already said he was confused. Maybe try something different here. Does he blink a time or two and try to pull free of his invisible binds?

5) At this, Julia gave a wicked smile and said, “It’s amazing what you can do with some hair, a doll, and voodoo magic.” The werewolf then grabbed his shirt collar and ripped the shirt down the middle. “Mmmm! Nice pecs,” she said, gently caressing his chest >> I think I would delete the first 'she said'. >> Julia gave a wicked smile. “It’s amazing

6) “What?!” Rodger asked. >> I am told you should only use one form of punctuation at a time. In this case of course, it should be a comma. Your writing should show the urgency. >> “What?” Rodger squeaked, his jaw dropping. Or something like.

7) saw the werewolf’s mouth holding onto it >> Oh, for me it would have been so much more visually satisfying if he looked down to see her sharp canines positioned just over the tip, not just her mouth holding it. lol

8) As Rodger took a look at the woman, he saw that she had fire-red skin >> You can delete this 'that'. I think. This is one of those words we all over use. If the sentence still make perfect sense without it, it can go to make a cleaner, tighter piece.

9) “I’m so glad I remembered that the three of you were in town,” >> Another place you can cut 'that' and the sentence still work just fine.

10) “Well, how much do I owe you?” Anita asked. >> I noticed a lot of 'he said' 'she said'. I wonder if you could change some of these to action and still let us know who is talking? >> “Well, how much do I owe you?” Anita reached for her purse.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
81
81
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Great! couldn't find a single thing I'd change.
82
82
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
I was captivated throughout all three chapters. GREAT job! I'm so sad there is no more to read. :)

1) A quick scan of the area shows no one else his here so I kneel beside her and look into her eyes. >> No one else IS here.

2) Like everyone else he saw I was hideous and he fell in love with you! >> This introductory phrase I just couldn't ignore. I'd put a comma after 'else'.

3) My friend and fellow searcher for eternal beauty, Countess Elizabeth Bathory had written me about bathing in beautiful young girls blood. >> I'd put a comma after 'Bathory' also.

4) Dazed I try to get up and she brings the stake towards my heart. >> This, IMO, needs a comma after 'dazed'.

5) The wrold goes black. >> World - typo.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
83
83
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Oh, I'm sooo into this story, this character. To be so powerful. What a rush it must be. But I think her powers and self-confidence are about to be tested.

1) He inspires confidence and is one of the few humans I truly trust with my life. >> But...but, isn't she kind dead...not alive, or whatever? :)

2) Already my mind is racing, planning how someone could have been here and done that to Marlie’s mother and been in Atlanta to take Elizabeth. It takes nearly nine hours to fly from Dublin to Atlanta on a private chartered flight, which is expensive around 100,000, and a two hour car ride from Marlie’s mom’s to the airport and another maybe hour from the Atlanta airport to Elizabeth’s home or school, time to bleed Elizabeth get to Jean-Paul’s office downtown, another hour, write a message prior to Jean-Paul’s arrival this morning. >> This was a lot to take in in one sentence. I know her mind was racing and maybe you wanted to get this point across...

3) He wrote a message in her blood on the wall. I have to go after him,” Nathan listens patiently as I finish the story, and as I speak, I feel the anger coming. >> Again, I would put a period after 'him', not a comma. The next sentence isn't even the one talking.

4) When I finish Nathan nods and thinks for a moment. >> I haven't mentioned this before in your work, but 'when I finish' is an introductory phrase and I would put a comma after it. I noticed you don't do this at all and figured it was a conscious decision, but maybe not?

5) “I’m coming, Cay with you or by myself. You cannot go throwing yourself into danger. I’m a FBI agent; I have experience. You don’t,” he comes up beside me and puts a protective hand on my arm. >> Again, some punctuation changes. >>
“I’m coming, Cay, with you or by myself. You cannot go throwing yourself into danger. I’m a FBI agent; I have experience. You don’t." He comes up beside me and puts a protective hand on my arm.

I just got to the end. What? You denied us the best part! *grin* Well, I'll just have to use my imagination. lol

Great job again! Looking forward to the next chapter.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
84
84
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Again, EXCELLENT! I loved it. Can't wait to read the next chapter. I couldn't offer much more than some punctuation suggestions.

1) I am hungry after all and I’ve never liked people who feel they can invade your privacy and come right up to your door and tell you what to believe. >> I think I would delete one of these 'ands' and replace it with a comma. >> I am hungry after all and I’ve never liked people who feel they can invade your privacy, come right up to your door and tell you what to believe.

2) A small smile tugs at my lips as the door swings open, then falls to a frown, a cop. >> Ok. This is just a personal preference thing and I'll probably get some flack for this, but...I would do this for more dramatic effect. >> A small smile tugs at my lips as the door swings open, then falls to a frown. A cop. >> I know. Incomplete sentence. Just like the last two, but I like it that way. *shrugs* Just me though. I'm sure you'd have plenty of people tell you to stick with the correct way. Your call

3) The new ones who still believe they can save the world and believe they are actually doing some good, a few of these maintain this cheer throughout their career, they are good cops, then there are those who have become so jaded they no longer care if the bad guy gets caught they just want the paycheck, they pull you over for speeding then give you three more tickets for a broken tail light, the tag not being exactly centered, and driving barefoot. >> OMG. That is a mouth full. Maybe break this up a bit. >>
The new ones who still believe they can save the world and believe they are actually doing some good. A few of these maintain this cheer throughout their career, they are good cops. Then there are those who have become so jaded, they no longer care if the bad guy gets caught. They just want the paycheck. They pull you over for speeding, then give you three more tickets for a broken tail light, the tag not being exactly centered, and driving barefoot.

4) Neither are my favorites because the good cops see me as a bad guy and the bad cops always catch me speeding. >> LOL! Too funny!

5) He seems the first type past his prime. >> Comma after 'type'. Without it, the sentence reads like 'past his prime IS the first type.

6) “Miss Blane, I am Sam Crosse, of Walton Detectives,” he held out a card and sat down across the table for me. >> Comma should be a period as this is not a dialogue tag but a separate action. I won't continue to point all of these out as I did in your last piece. if you agree, I'm sure you get the idea. :) >>
“Miss Blane, I am Sam Crosse, of Walton Detectives.” He held out a card and sat down across the table for me.
Also you have him sitting down but not the MC. It just struck me as odd.

7) It was very hard by the way to find out about your connection to the firm. >> I think I would enclose 'by the way' in commas.

8) I let me hand trail down his chest as I stand up >> 'My' hand?

9) and vampires have become a bit pop culture I prefer to live as a human with humans. >> I think there should be a comma after 'culture'.

10) even worse are the humans that stare at you like you might suddenly jump them and suck their life away, a stare that always makes me want to do just that. >> LOL!

11) I shove the door open as fast as I can kind of like ripping off a band-aid. >> Comma after 'can'.

12) My memory is perfect and very long. >> NEAR perfect memory? since she can't remember at the moment? :)

13) The man isn’t tall; maybe 5’7’’ making Marlie tower over him and Nathan beside her seem even taller. His face is weathered and ruddy at the cheeks, but his eyes are kind >> In the first sentence the last proper noun is Nathan, so for just a split second when you start with 'his', it is confusing.

14) “Cay. Michael is an old family friend. His daughter you remember was Sheena O’Brien,” Marlie smiles a little. >> I'd change the punctuation a bit here. >> “Cay, Michael is an old family friend. His daughter, you remember, was Sheena O’Brien.” Marlie smiles a little.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
85
85
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Very good! I could see all and feel this girl's emotions.

Just a few things I might work on if it were my piece.

1) She knew that this boy was a traitor to his people, and that these people had a right to be angry, a right to see justice carried out, but that didn’t stop her hands from sweating, her throat from becoming coarser than the sand she now walked on. >> This is a good place to show how you can delete unneeded words (that and now) from your sentences to make a tighter ms. >> She knew this boy was a traitor to his people, and these people had a right to be angry, a right to see justice carried out, but that didn’t stop her hands from sweating, her throat from becoming coarser than the sand she walked on.

2) As she finally approached the front of the crowd, she started to worry that she might not find him. >> Another place you could cut words to make a cleaner sentence. >> As she approached the front of the crowd, she woried she might not find him.

3) Off to her right she saw a section of Justice Square designed specifically for those of noble birth. The women, in their own section, wore glossy silk robes and gold earrings. >> I'd add a comma for the introductory phrase and cut a few IMO unnecessary words from the next. >>Off to her right, she saw a section of Justice Square designed specifically for those of noble birth. The women there wore glossy silk robes and gold earrings.

4) She assumed that the men, whom she could now see >> Delete 'that'

5) Unlike her older female counterparts, she was wearing a pair >> Unlike her older female counterparts, she wore a pair >> 'Wore' to get rid of 'was' as you hould when possible.

6) She knew that she was lucky >> delete 'that'.

7) aware of the fact that she was more upset about the fact that he didn't get to spend as much time with her anymore. >> I'd try to get rid of the 'thats' and reword it a litte so you don't repeat 'the fact' twice in one sentence.

8) Women loved him and even though she had never thought of him in that particular way she always felt a bit irritable whenever he showed up late. >> i'd put a comma after 'way' and I'm not quite sure what the first part of the sentence has to do with the rest.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
86
86
Review of Sorry  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This touched me on a very personal level. I felt the MC's despair, uncertainty and finally, his resolution. I think many could identify with this child's life and his feelings. Drug addiction and child abuse are very difficult problems to address in any way. I admire your courage. Good job.

1) He wants , he needs to change his life >> Extra space...and I wonder if an emdash would work better here: He wants--he needs to change his life

2) When William arrived at school on this particular morning, not only was it cold and raining. >> There is omething missing from this sentence...'not only' implies to me there will be more, but there isn't.

3) “What on earth is it, young man!”, “What has got you so worked up” >> Ooops. Puncuation error. Easily fixed. “What on earth is it, young man? What has got you so worked up?”

4) “My mum is dead”, >> comma misplaced and should be a period. “My mum is dead."

5) I…I’m not going to get into trouble, am I? asked William meekly. >> Missing " at end of dialogue and I wonder if yo could maybe show meekly instead of telling us. Does his voice and eyes both lower?

6) Turning the last corner onto Millington Road, William took the last deep breath, he had time for. >> I don't think you need that last comma

7) “Good, then we will confront your mum and follow procedure from there” The officer sighed, “Please, don’t be scared. We will work this out for you.” >> puncuation - missing periods >> ...from there.” The officer sighed. “Please, don’t... I won't coninue to point all of these out. Hopefully you can change the rest from here if you agree.

8) William was outside the house, in tears, apologising for lying to one of the gentlemen. He had told William, his name was Geoff. >> This is maybe a good place to show where you could get rid of 'was' and 'had', passive voice. >> William stood outside the house, in tears, apologising for lying to one of the gentlemen. He told William, his name was Geoff.

9) Geoff told William that in this case, they would forget about the lying. He also told him that he had been very brave to do what he had done. That he could not understand how William had carried on like this for so long. William explained that it was how he was brought up, he knew no other way. >> This is a good place to show how a sentence sometimes works well without 'that', a word we all over use in everyday speech but should be conscious of in our writing. >> Geoff told William in this case, they would forget about the lying. Geoff also told him he had been very brave to do what he had done. He could not understand how William had carried on like this for so long. William explained, it was how he was brought up, he knew no other way. >> I also would change the one 'he' to Geoff as above to avoid confusion on who is talking.

10) “I am sorry, this is not an experience you should have had. Every young child deserves to be brought up in a healthy environment. This is far from healthy. I am so sorry, the system did not learn about you before now.” Geoff said with sincerity and love in his voice. >> Again, just some puncuation i wanted to point out. >> “I am sorry. This is not an experience you should have had. Every young child deserves to be brought up in a healthy environment. This is far from healthy. I am so sorry the system did not learn about you before now,” Geoff said with sincerity and understanding in his voice. >> I changed a few commas and periods around and one word. 'Love' just, IOM, felt to strong for the situation. Maybe just me.

11) The police came out of the house, with William’s mum in cuffs. Holding her head down and not looking at anybody. She needed to be more than ashamed. William could not think of how his mother should be thinking. >> Just a little rewording. again, just my opinion. >> The police came out of the house, with William’s mum in cuffs. She held her head down, not looking at anybody. She needed to be more than ashamed. But William could not think of how his mother should be feeling.

12) All he could see in her was the drink and drugs. When he looked at her, straight in the eyes. For just that moment he was hoping she would say sorry. >> I use incomplete sentences a lot to to get a point across, but for me this one did not work. >> All he could see in her was the drink and drugs. When he looked at her, straight in the eyes, for just that moment he hoped she would say sorry.

13) Could she honestly not see that, really, she was the only person that needed to say SORRY!. >> Maybe: Could she honestly not see that? Really? She was the only person that needed to say SORRY!


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
87
87
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
A simple, nice, light piece. Good job.

1) He was recently retired,getting by on two small pensions. There was no wiggle room in his budget. >> I wonder if a little rewording could get rid of 'was'. Recently retired,getting by on two small pensions, left Lee no wiggle room in his budget.

2) Out of place spaces and punctuation throughout are an easy fix. Example:
“Style? Now you got style ?”Denny cracked open the beer.

“ I need cash .”Lee took a beer.

“ How?”

“Denny,that’s what I’m asking you.”

“Dennis was clever, he had it “I’ve got it, get the money first ,then a computer.”

“ Denny boy, from whom do I get the money.?”

Here's what I would do:
“Style? Now you got style? ”Denny cracked open the beer.

“I need cash.” Lee took a beer.

“How?”

“Denny, that’s what I’m asking you.”

“Dennis was clever, he had it. “I’ve got it, get the money first, then a computer.”

“Denny boy, from whom do I get the money?”

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
88
88
Review of Regenesis  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: E | (3.5)
I like your imagination. Both of your pieces I've read had very surprising endings. Good job! This one though, I did not 'feel' as much as the other. I wonder if maybe a small part of it was due to the fact that none of the characters, including the MC had names...or ever actually spoke to each other. The entire story was told to us by the MC. We were not actually IN the story.

1) Then, we carry the body back to our cave to cook over fire, then share it with the rest of our tribe afterwards. >> I'm told you should use 'then' sparingly. The reader, if things are in obvious chronological order, can figure it out on their own. >> We carry the body back to our cave to cook over fire and share it with the rest of our tribe afterwards

2) After a harsh battle, I killed the beast, though I shortly realized my heavy bleeding from my wounds. Surprisingly enough, I fell asleep quickly and awoke with much pain, and had to sit out the next few hunts. >> 'ly' words should be avoided if at all possible. Maybe try: After a harsh battle, I killed the beast. Only after, realizing my heavy bleeding from my wounds. To my surprise, I fell asleep as soon as I dropped onto my mat (or whatever fits in the story). I awoke with much pain, and had to sit out the next few hunts.

3) sort of flat, white object with a long, wood-made object. I do not know what he does with the object, >> Repeated words-object three times in a short space.

4) Suddenly, a white light began to drift into the darkness >> delete unnecessary words: Suddenly, a white light drifted into the darkness

5) What felt like hours had passed, and the battle had stopped.>> Delete 'had' when possible: What felt like hours passed and the battle stopped.


My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
89
89
Review of A Second Chance  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
OK. I spent an hour and a half working on this and when I was all done, I hit send and the site blinked or something and kicked me out. Lost it all! So I'm going to try again because I really like this story. It was very touching. Well, done.

1) Sliding the top of my light-skinned fingers across her blonde, wavy hair,...cold sweat formed upon my white skin... our light skin brushing against the other as we kissed for the cameraman. >> I wonder why you continue to refer to his skin color. When I look at myself, my skin tone does not really register. When I describe myself to someone, I don't mention it. So, it feels odd to me, contrived.

2) But now, he school was in ruins, being remodeled >> THE school...

3) The trash can was lying next to the door, >> 'Lying' makes me think it is on its side, tipped over. Maybe try: The trash can stood next to the door, OR The trash can waited next to the door...

4) Out of curiosity I began to take leaves down from the tree, >> Comma after 'curiosity' as it is an introductory phrase.

5) I started to steal from stores whenever I was given the chance, though I was never seen stealing after a clerk caught me stealing candy and placing it into my pocket. >> 'Steal' or 'stealing' three times inthis sentence. Maybe change one to 'took' or 'pilfered'.

6) they never looked at me back. >> Maybe: they never looked back.

7) But they would never escape my mind. They would always come back to haunt me. >> Maybe: But I never escape for long. They always came back to haunt me. This gets rid of 'would' and makes it feel more immediate IMO.

8) My mind was now pulsing with madness >> My mind now pulsated with madness. >> Gets rid of the passive 'was'.

9) I just lied there, waiting for something – anything thing – to happen. Then the phone started to ring. I picked it up slowly, wondering who it could be. >> Try: I just laid there, waiting for something – anything – to happen. Then the phone rang. My hand moved as if of its own accord, as if in slow motion to pick it up. Who would be calling me? >> I changed 'lied' to 'laid'. I don't know if this is correct, but 'lied' just sounded wrong to me. Deleted the extra 'thing and reworded the last bit to get rid of 'started to'. I have read you should avoid this, 'started to ring', 'started to run', 'started to climb'. How does a phone start to ring? it doesn't. It just rings.

10) Today was our anniversary; her birthday was the day before >> This stumped me for a second since the day of her death was her birthday. Has a year passed now? If so maybe a bigger hint would have helped.

I hope I got everything I noted in the first read. Great job! I was engrossed while reading this. Totally engrossed.

Melissa

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
90
90
Review of The Angel Lounge  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
Playing around on my account, I just found this under cNotes today. Wow! What an honor for you all to acknowledge my efforts. Thank you. I am new and just figuring out how to move around on this huge site.

Thanks,
Melissa
91
91
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: ASR | (5.0)
LOL! You did it again! You put a smile on this face that hasn't had one in a while. And some of the reviews were just as funny as the piece...especially the ones that didn't get it.

Great job!

Melissa
92
92
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Again, very nice. I like this. Good job!

1) On his last effort he missed the bunghole entirely >> I think there should be a comma after 'effort' as it is an introductory phrase.

2) “Yep, that’s why they bury the concoction underground for several years. The poison leaches out and leaves the cheese behind. While not exactly a sweet delight, a little bit can go a long way when traveling. Plus, if you eat enough of it, you can go without sleep for many days. Course, you completely collapse afterwards unless you eat more. It’s a bad cycle to get into, though.” >> Oh. So gross and yet so cool! I like this and the paragraphs just before.

3) Both boys groaned knowing that they would be spending the next day hammering the copper mugs back into shape. >> Love this, but I would delete 'that'. When you can delete this and the sentence still make perfect sense, you should do so to make a tighter manuscript.

4) He raised his staff and turned it so that it was horizontal in front of him. >> Again, delete 'that'.

5) Of course the manufacture of Leaf Steel is both difficult and dangerous.” >> Comma after 'Of course'. It is an introductory phrase.

6) The angry mob was demanding the blood of the thief! >> A place to easily get rid of 'was'. >> The angry mob demanded the blood of the thief!

7) Verlock banged the hammer down on the table until the crowd quieted. “Quiet down now! >> I don't know, but this first sentence just feel redundant with what he says after. Quieted and Quiet.

8) “Neither, son. I’m to head south to Alganeer and announce the discovery to the Lords of the Guild of Sages and to the Great Temples. I’ll be taking advance orders as well as hiring several enchanters. It will be three months before the first batch of Sapphirium is processed well enough for crafting. I was wondering if the two of you might like to come along.” >> For me, It would have felt natural for there to be a break in this dialogue just before his father asks them to come along. Something to show a pause and let us see something of the father.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
93
93
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Very nice storytelling. And I'm amazed at your knowledge of arms from this time and blacksmithing. It felt so 'real' when you spoke of them.

Just a few things:

1) His close-cropped mustache and beard were dark black >> I'd delete 'dark' as black says it all I beleive.

2) Staggering Idiot >> Love this name!

3) One smell in particular was causing his nose hairs to curl. >> This is a perfect place to show how a little rewording can get rid of 'was' as we should when possible. >> One smell in particular caused his nose hairs to curl.

Great job!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
94
94
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Wow! I was moved with such empathy for the MC's in this story. I truely feel any teen, preteen...or adult for that matter, would enjoy and get something out of this work. Very nice.

If this was my work, the two things I might change or work on are: One, narrative voice especially in the beginning, but sprinkled here and there throughout. Maybe it is just my preference, but I identify with the character more if I am inside their head, instead of being told parts of the story. Two, Your writing is strong and the use of 'ly' words, IMO, are unnecessary in most places.

Here are a few things that stuck out at me. Hope they help.

1) Whatever it was, it wasn't a romantic rendezvous, at least not from Mari's viewpoint. She felt like an idiot. >> The last person mentioned by name(proper noun) was Mari. I know the last sentence was refering to Tarah, but it took a split second for my mind to register this. Maybe replace 'She' with 'Tarah' here.

2) Slowly, he lowered herself down on the ground next to the girl, with his knees tucked and his hand massaging him chin thoughtfully. >> 'his' chin?

3)Then, he suddenly slammed his feet hard against his captors' shins... Then, he suddenly took off running, moving like a madman to the safer areas at the front of the school. >> I use this word a lot too. But I think these two sentences would work just fine without 'suddenly' in them.

4) "I never wanted you to get into fights just to be my friend!" she told him quickly, her voice getting fast and almost petulant. >> Again, I think the rest of this tells the story without the 'ly' word - quickly.

5)Tarah heart took a hit from disappointment, >> Tarah's heart?

6) "Yeah," Andy acknowledged lazily... They smiled lazily... >> Two sentences back to back with the same 'ly' word. Maybe change one or both.

7) Mr. Clark took his head out his steepled hands, and sighed exasperatedly. >> ?? 'Out of' or 'off of his steepled hands'?

8) The two friends Andy and Tarah were standing in front of the teacher's desk, trying to give each other strength >> I think 'Andy and Tarah' should have a comma before and after.

Great Job!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
95
95
Review of Lessons of Love  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
OK. I am so slow. It took me a minute after finishing this story to 'get it'. lol Just me, probably. I'm still not so sure I understood a couple of things. Was she a vampire since childhood? Was his father the bat in the attic? Please tell and don't leave me hanging? lol

Anyways, very good. I loved your voice and the writing was very well done. Great job!

Just a few things:

1) But the lessons of love went on and by the time we were seniors, we were engaged to be married. >> The sentence before this one starts with 'But' also. I do this too, but am told you should try to limit it. Maybe: The lessons of love went on though and by the time we were seniors, we were engaged to be married.

2) But on the night of my graduation, which he did not attend, after the celebrating was over and I was undressing for bed, he suddenly appeared in my room. >> Again, a sentence starting with 'But'. I wonder if this one could be eliminated altogether.

3) Finally the day of the wedding and everything went perfectly. >> This sentence just doesn't read right to me. Maybe: Finall,y the day of the wedding arrived and everything went perfectly. Added a comma and 'arrived'.

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
96
96
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Oh, Dan. I like this. I really do.

There are only two things I might try to work on, if it were mine. One is the telling vs showing, especially in the first two paragraphs. I wonder if there is some way to let the reader know all of this back story without dumping it in the beginning? Maybe a little snuck in here and there? Two, maybe cut down on the change of point of view, head hopping. I felt like all I've read here would be better told strictly from Jake's POV, not the mix of Jake, Max and the nameless girl's.

Here are a few other things:

1) More than that, he was performing excellently at school getting near perfect scores on any exam he took. >>More than that, he performed excellently at school, getting near perfect scores on any exam he took. >>Took out the was(passive) and added a comma

2) He had already had a couple of girlfriends and to top it all off, he was a handsome boy with medium length blonde hair that stopped just above his eyes and fell around his ears. >> I wonder if you could reword this sentence a little to make it more his direct thoughts. >>He knew the girls found him attractive. Getting girlfirends had never been a problem. >> Or even just sneak his description in later.

3) After assessing that Max was not speaking out of jealousy, he was genuinely curious Jake cleared his throat. >>Maybe a comma missing after curious.

4) You’re my lucky charm, Jacob!’ he grinned, turning around to show his appreciation, him but Jacob was not there. >>I think this should be: You’re my lucky charm, Jacob!’ He grinned, turning around to show his appreciation, but Jacob was not there. >>Capitol 'H' and deleted 'him'.

5) massaged her firm pink nipples >> comma after firm.

6) It’s in a bowl by the bed. >> missing "" around this sentence.

7) felt bitty sand in his toes >> Is it just me, or should this be 'gritty'?

8) I wonder why you chose to use ' around dialogue instead of "?

Anyways, very good! I'd read more!

My review has been submitted for consideration in item:451035}.
97
97
Review of A Cry  
In affiliation with The Coffee Shop for the Fantas...  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
Wow! I'm impressed. Very well done. I could see and almost feel this girl's pain. You have great talent and imagination and certainly know how to use it. I'd love to read more of this. I will be hard pressed to find anything to make suggestions on. Let me read it again--something I don't usually do--and think for a minute...

Just a few ideas:

1) There was a sharp pain across my ribs that protected my right lung – aching and throbbing. >> This first sentence if reworded a bit might draw us in just more. >> A sharp pain shot across my ribs that protected my right lung – aching and throbbing. Without the 'was' we are in the story, feeling it with her.

2) I fought back a loud shriek but whimpered pitifully instead. >> 'But' just doesn't feel right to me here. Maybe 'and' would work better. >> I fought back a loud shriek and whimpered pitifully instead.

3) ...as the room around me became claustrophobic. >> The room became claustrophobic? Or did she?

4) My nose was broken and a long, deep slash along my right jaw decorated my abused face. >> I like this line, but it almost sounds like she can see her own face. Maybe: I could feel that my nose was broken and swollen and the searing pain along my jaw told me of broken, bruised tissue there as well. >> Or something like.

5) The skin over my damaged ribs was not stinging... >> Here is a great place to show an example of where you can replace 'was' with 'did' as I'm told you should when possible. >> The skin over my damaged ribs did not sting...

6) lung – aching; was –it: >> I am told an emdash should be done like this--with no spaces, but I'm not sure of the rule on this. However you decide to do it, it should be consistant throughout the piece though.

7) I was an animal inside, just alike to those that inhabited these parts. >> Now? She wasn't before, right? >> I was an animal inside now, just alike to those that inhabited these parts.

8) “You’re safe now.” He told me. >> Should be: “You’re safe now," he told me.

9) “They won’t get you.” The beast told me. >> “They won’t get you," the beast told me.

10) We were in black darkness, but he wasn’t stumbling. He wasn’t falling. Try this: Impenetrable darkness engulfed us and yet he didn’t stumble. He didn’t fall. >> Here I got rid of those pesky 'was' words and eliminated the double 'black darkness' from the sentence before.

11) “Open your eyes Lifa!” >> comma missing after 'eyes'.

All I can say is--loved it! Great job!

My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Go Noticed" .
98
98
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
Loved this! Pulled me in from the beginning. I felt Christines emotions. I have just a few suggestions.

1. Getting madder by the moment Christine ditches her caution and starts back in on Summer, “Well all I really wanted to know is how the hell you live with yourself? >>Needs a comma after moment, well and is, I believe. Saw a few other places I would have put a comma, but wasn't sure. I don't know if these are right or not. Just felt like they were missing.

2. Both women seem pleased with the opportunity to escape their thoughts when Kalvin arrives.>> Each time you tell us what both women are doing in this way, it feels like a narrator is talking and pulls me out of the story and away from the emotion. I wonder if it would do better to tell things like this from one or the other's POV instead.

3. Obviously pleased with their progress... Don't know if it is neccessary to tell us this. I would think Kalvin saying, “Excellent job ladies,” and “I knew you two had it in you." Is enough to convey that.

Excellent job!
99
99
Review of A Clown's Tears  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Your writing has such emotion. The one thing that I have noticed in all of it that maybe would help it shine a bit brighter, is the 'show don't tell' thing. The reader more easliy identifies with the character if they are getting the story directly in dialogue and thoughts, internal dialogue from just the main character or characters, rather that being told what happened. It allows the reader to feel what they are feeling and more easily identify with and care about the character. Let me give you an example.

Helene was grateful that his pain seemed to be controlled by medication. She knew he was hovering on the brink of death and right now, she was not going to tell Angela anything.

Maybe try: His pain seemed controled by medication. For this, Helene thanked God, but she knew he still hovered on the brink of death. So, for now, she did not tell Angela anything. See how we got ride of the three 'was' words and 'ing' words. These, I am told trigger passive voice and telling-something to be avvoided if at all possible.

And it would help also if you stuck to giving just the main charcter's POV. Example:

Cindy put drops in them to lubricate. She hated to put pads back over them although it was best to keep them moist. >>This is the nurse's POV. Maybe she could tell Helene how much she hated to do this, instead of you telling the reader her internal thoughts. The more we are inside the main characters heads, the more we learn to care for them. Jumping into secodnary characters' heads pulls us away from the main characters.

PS. I am no expert and do these things as well. I am just repeating what has been told to me by many others. Hope this helps.
100
100
Rated: E | (5.0)
Lovely.
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