Excellent. I find myself looking for your writing.
Just a couple of things:
1. Donna had left the state... >>Is this the new wife? Because in a few paragraphs back the old wife's name was Sharon. I was confused. Did he have kids with the new wife too?
2. I haven't heard or seen him since. >> maybe should read: I haven't heard from or seen him since. If you take out the 'or seen', the sentence doesn't work without the from. See?
Oh how I love your work! This is the third peice of yours, I believe, I've read and rated. Tears again with this one. And nothing but great things to say about it. I couldn't find any glaring mistakes. Do you write full length novels? I am new here and just feeling my way around this huge site. Look me up if you might be interested in more conversation - Melissa Murphy.
Oh my gosh. This brought tears to my eyes. Great job! The only things that really got my attention about the writing as I read, were, one: your switching back and forth between past and present tense-'has' 'had'. If it was intentional, fine. And two: I would have liked a little warning when you jumped from present to past memories and back. I love you work. I think a little less telling and a little more showing would make it even better.
Just a few notes:
1. ...loneliness often becomes intolerable. Maybe put 'the' in front of loneliness.
2. Julianne has found a ride along the rugged coast seems to help. >> delete 'has'.
3. ...a sedative but for some reason, she couldn't sleep.>>comma after sedative.
4. Finally she could give her name to the desk clerk.>> comma after' finally'.
5. She checked herself out and smiled.
"I promise not to sue unless you're rich." >>These two sentences should be in the same paragraph.
6. She smiled, lighting up his world. >>This sounds like his POV.
7. Julianne had long braided dark hair... maybe use 'she' here instead of her name.
8. "Family? Are they close by?"
He developed tears quickly in his eyes. >> i assume she says this and he says the next sentence. If so, there needs to be a space between lines.
9. They made love constantly. >>This sentence says the same thing pretty much as the one at the end of this paragraph, so I would delete this one.
10. Julianne has money... Here, again, I would use 'she'. Using her name makes it sound like a narrator is talking.
11. He was a lawyer twenty years older that loved her very much. >>This sentence just reads funny to me. Maybe break it up?: He was a lawyerand twenty years older. He loved her very much. This she never doubted. <<Adding this to the end makes it sound like more her POV.
Good job. I definitely get the feel of the mood for this story and the heroine right from the very beginning - sad and a little nervous. Even the discription of the house and yard showed the heroine's mood or emotional state - desolate.
Just a few things I might change if it were my work. Mostly grammar stuff ( and I am certainly no expert, so please take my suggestions with a grain of salt.) :
1. “How fitting,” she mumbled considering... add comma after mumbled.
2. ...and back of the house was a crescent... comma after house.
3. Running slender pale fingers through shoulder length light brown hair she... I would delete 'slender and pale'. Too much discription. If you chose to keep it in comma, I would add a comma between them and another after hair.
4. Her steps followed hollowly behind like the ghost she and her mother had run from thinking it would stay in Austin Texas. Great job of sneaking that little hint in there about their past. But if she has the m3p player going, how does she hear the hollow sound of her steps? Maybe she should be taking them out at the beginning, not putting them in? And comma after 'from', I think. And maybe it should read more like: The hollow sound of her footsteps followed her behind like... See how that eliminates the dreaded 'ly' word?
5. ...held three closed doors but Joven already knew their secrets.>> Comma after 'doors'.
6. She continued on, showing as much interest... 'Showing' sounds like it is not in her POV. Maybe try: She continued on, with as much interest...
7. Moving forward with the same steady pace as before she took five stair... Commas after 'forward' and 'before'.
8. Her wooden desk would fit in the far right corner between the bed and window seat, leaving the left side of the wall for her dark green bookcase. Her long door mirror would hang on the inside of the closet door, leaving the large oval mirror to hang on the wall across from the windows giving her a twin view of the outside world above her dresser... >>Too much. Pulls you out of the forward motion of the story. I would just say she mentally placed each piece of her furniture...ect.
9. Linda Welch asked, smoothing her short brown hair with her left hand. >> You've already given us her name. Just 'her mother would have been fine here unless Joven refers to her mother by her first name a lot.
10. “It's a great view,” her brown eyes gleaming with unshed tears. “You don't have to stay on guard here. I know that ...”
Should be: “It's a great view." Her brown eyes gleamed with unshed tears.“You don't have to stay on guard here. I know that --” (Em dash to show she was cut off in mid-sentence.)
11. By the time I get downstairs they should be at the front door. >>I don't understand this sentence. It doesn't seem to go with the rest, unless her new friends were on their way?
12. In the last two paragraphs, you change POV's. Did you mean to do that? Usually, you want to stick only the main character's POV.
11.
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