This is quite a powerfully written piece. You echo my very thoughts in some places and give a name to others.
I found no obvious errors technically.
My favorite part:
Sad sight, so many flags draped over coffins never seen.
The sinister lies that filled them burried deep beneath such patriotic sheen.
Human losses well disguised, and media filtered from our collective eyes,
By corporate puppet leaders, whose agendas we must now despise.
(she chuckles) I have to say your handle certainly fits this poetic piece. You are definitely imaginative. This is quite an unusual topic to be coupled with peaches. Hmmm... Quite the dream! I am amused.
I found no errors.
Favorite:
I like the way
your epidermis slaps
and slides
against mine
Thank you for slapping my mandible with your work.
Write On!
Mari
Rated:...:...:...:...
Guest Judge:
Mari Mari ~
The results will be posted sometime soon, after entry deadline.
I like how you've honored the volunteer EMT's. People in public service should be honored for many to pay with their lives. A child sprouting a knife presents a most vivid horror.
I'd like to say I enjoyed it but I didn't enjoy the subject. I did enjoy your work, I appreciate it for being a story well told.
Dear Adriana,
I came to your port because you gifted me with Gp's for reading your friend Mara's work, which I was delighted to do. I was touched by your friendship. I came to review some of your things and the first thing I see is this letter. What beautiful sentiment.
I have only been a member of WDC for less than a month. The things you mention in your letter are site-wide, I think. The writers are a very supportive and encouraging group. I completely agree with the wonderful things you've said. In the short time I have been here, I have learned tremendously.
To reach out to all those good souls to say "Thanks" is a beautiful example of the type of people on WDC!
Thank you,
Mari
Ann,
You do an incredible job weaving the darkness with your words. Fleshless hands reaching for freedom from hell...Oh my goodness...well, I mean... oh my badness!
And
Come who sweetly stink ...hmmm...on warm blood they drink. A picture dark you have certainly drawn. This review is now over, I'm gone.
Hello Ann,
Of Course there are no errors that I can see.
My favorite stanza is below.
Come, sway to my heavenly song.
I sing in sorrow and from deep below.
My eyes are empty, seeing only you.
My mouth waters to taste your fruit.
A question though...How can there be a heavenly song and be destined to anguish?
Ann,
Blow my mind. You make me have to think about the meanings behind all this darkness. Gosh you just don't seem like a dark soul. These childlike demons that get into your soul and curdle it? WOW!
You weaved lines together masterfully.
Keep your dark light shining!
Mari
Fluttering like torrents of frigid winds.
Bodies clash in morbid deadly intent.
Muttering souls shatter like frozen limbs.
Fighting the moral touch of hell's lament.
My Dear Friend,
This is a great idea! Even if the chances of my ever getting one is slim...
I wish you a lot of luck getting a black awardicon, or merit badge. I would think with all the dark on this site they would oblige.
Well, there are my thoughts.
Mari
Hello Oliver,
There is no doubt in what you say. Freedom to say whatever you wish is a very important part of the whole concept.In the sentence below, you need to change the last line to read "your".
Let the words flow,
flow,
flow, like air out of you mouth.
Write On!
Mari
Hello Oliver,
There is no doubt in what you say. Freedom to say whatever you wish is a very important part of the whole concept.In the sentence below, you need to change the last line to read "your".
Let the words flow,
flow,
flow, like air out of you mouth.
Hello Stevielee,
You brought back memories of when my children were little. My son was going to marry me too. Age six is a wonderful age as you say, a hero in their eyes. And when she makes you a grandpa...well, I will have you know that you get to be the hero again.
Enjoy the childhood for although cliche' it is true as you look back, where did all those years go. They grow up so quickly.
Mari
Hi Mara,
In par 1 you refer to the one three numerically, as opposed to other references are spelled out. Is this intentional or irelevant?
The question I have is in the two passages regarding phone number exchange. He offers his, but she gives her number instead?
Par 6 from bottom: "I'm not too worried about the sweats and t-shirt. Look...here's my phone number.
Par 5 from bottom: "Thank you," she whispered, feeling the tears threatening again as she hastily scribbled her number down for him.
Mara,
I found myself wanting to wipe my hands on my pants even when Gina did not after adjusting the sunglasses to the slimy bartenders hair.
Love the scene where bryce leans into and causes the bartender to squirm. You effectively created a strong dislike for him in me.
No errors spotted.
Onto the next
Mari
Mara,
My attention is revived.
Your description of such horrible events and human treatment is incredible. A person cannot help but feel anger and pity for David as well as disgust toward him for being party to such savage murders.
I applaud your writing.
Mari
next chapter
Hi Mara,
This seemed a bit bland, but not every word can keep you riveted...Don't worry, I am still interested. I like the ease with which the partners communicate. Bits of humor. I like how the human side shows through.
I have what I think is a typo:
Precinct House Tuesday June 3, par.4 last line: "Romeo" was Outaa there!
On to the next chapter.
Mari
I enjoyed your poem. I happen to quite like "feel good" writes. I loved your description of birds migrating, the tune in your pocket, and the aroma of childhood.
Beneath a sky of spectre grey
On circuits south, the birds till May
Flew sidelong with the wind abreast
And chased the winter's dying day.
I didn't understand the banded notion...
Love the last stanza too.
Ah, how I understand your poem of looking in the mirror. When did I become "old"? I don't feel this old. I look in the mirror, as your poem states, and am not quite sure what happened to my 20 or 30 or even my 40 year old self. I also like how you remind the reader that every line on your face has a story to tell.
Thank you for an enjoyable read. (and the reminder of my age-LOL)
Mari
Feel free to drop by my port to see some of my poetry
Hello to you Rain.
I stopped by your port for a visit. I noticed this poem so lovingly felt. Your joy of being a mother shows in each word. There is nothing sweeter than a hug from a child. They want nothing in return but your love and acceptance. Enjoy every moment, as childhood is but a whisper in time.
Keep writing, you write beautifully.
Thank you for sharing your love with us.
What do you mean you don't care if it gets rated a 1. Silly you. You should have more confidence in your writing. As to whether its your best work, it would be tough to make such a determination having not read any others.
You requested an honest opinion.
I know something you don't know...
The story you have told is intersting. I was a pleasurable read. I could see you writing a companion story; "The travels of my Grandfather..."
I found an error in the choice of spelling in the following line. The word should be METAL. A medal is pinned to something like a soldiers uniform.
......The medal of your pendulum is already tarnished......
I had never considered the rythmic canter of a clock as metered words. I think its very clever. I love it...
I know something you don't know"
Again, I enjoyed your story and think you were very creative with the subject. I like how you gave your clock a life and history. Most people wouldn't have followed through with their curiosities.
I know something you dont know...
I will look forward to seeing more creative items in your port.
Keep up the good work!
Mari
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Thank you WebWitch
I like how you bring a moment of a dogs dream into your poem.
My dog is starting to show her age...Your poem gave me pause for a moment of gratitude for my "Old Dog".
Oh my gosh...loving your old dog...you could say so much more...this is a good start and I like it..add some more things about your "Old dog, Good dog".
Very Enjoyable.
Thank you
Mari
Arakun!
Very imaginative! The picture you presented was vivid enough to make someone, indeed, wonder what happens when the dream catcher is full. Next question would be how do you clean one or empty it's contents...just a thought to ponder.
Thank you for your nice story.
Write on!
Mari
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Quite the dream! I am amused.
All I can say is WOW! That is dark and dastardly! Pure Evil! You had me recoiling!