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Review of The Scoffing Sun  
Review by NegaScout
Rated: 13+ | (1.5)
Flash fiction is a very difficult medium... setting up a complete story is very tough in a small number of words.

I can tell this is a first draft. There are a few grammatical mistakes and you switch from 3rd person POV to 1st person POV without warning in the third to last paragraph.

I also question why you chose to set this story in space. The sci-fi setting doesn't add anything to the story, and it feels like you added space terms as window dressing. A rule of thumb is that if you could set your story in a non-fantastic setting, do it. You'll get a wider readership and it's easier for them to empathize with that way.

Having a space shuttle speeding towards the sun is a cliche.. and one of the rules of writing is to avoid cliches. Flying off into the depths of interstellar space to slowly die of starvation might be a scarier threat?

It wasn't clear why at the end the protagonist wanted to start a foundation called "the Scoffing Sun". I mean, she's a poor teacher and thus doesn't have the money to start a foundation, does she? I can guess why you chose the word "Scoff".... but it should be made clear in the story, shouldn't it?

There are a few more things that could be improved, but I'll wait for the rewrite. In the meantime, keep plugging away! Writing is about "rewriting" and you have a great foundation to build from here!
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Review of Poet  
Review by NegaScout
Rated: E | (4.0)
REVIEW

This is quite an enjoyable little poem! I know how tough it is to write a structured rhyming poem, especially compared to the unstructed poem that seems to flourish these days.

Your poetry is marvelous, probably some of the best I've seen on Writing.com. If this isn't published, you should certainly submit it.

EDITING

English poetry in motion
--does this mean "British" poetry, or poetry written in the english language? If it's the latter, it feels like the word is just there to preserve the rhythm.

Your Harmonious impressions
--is "Harmonious" supposed to be capitalized?

convey no doubt remaining --second usage of the word "convey". The poem is a little short to support two usages of this word.
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28
Review of THE HANGING POSSE  
Review by NegaScout
Rated: 13+ | (2.0)
REVIEW

I have to admit that I'm a stranger to the world of Fan Fiction. This work is a humourous little piece about the effects that an obsession with the TV show "Bonanza" has on significant others.

This was an original piece, and even though I knew little about the world of Bonanza, there was enough description and backstory that I was able to follow along. Your writing is interesting and fast paced, and the piece was over before I knew it!

This may not be a serious piece, but there are some things that I noticed about your writing style that would apply to any piece

I'm reading the dialogue between Ben and Roy, and there doesn't appear to be anyone else around, but they are constantly addressing each other by name (Roy does this two or three statements in a row). People don't do this in actual conversation. Think of a phone conversation with a friend. After the greeting, you hardly ever use their name, do you?

I'd like to hear a little more description about the characters. I'm not sure if, because this is Fan Fiction, you assume that we know what Sheriff Coffey and Ben look like, but I've never seen the show, so I had no idea. This actually applies to nearly every character, including the main character John. A little physical description would really "flesh out" this story for me.

There's a few more comments in the Editing section of this review, which, I hope, explain why I'm giving it the rating that I have.

All in all, the plot was coherent and it looks like you had fun writing the piece. There dialogue is interesting, and there's a nice amount of physical description breaking it up. I particularly liked the way you handled the "sisters".

Keep on writing! I'll have to check out one of your serious pieces soon!


EDITING

The door opened so suddenly that Roy was left knocking thin air for a few seconds. --This is a cliche

stood and stared malevolently--instead of the adverb (which we, as writers, hate), why not use "glared"

his silver hair with a mind of its own--I'm not sure what you're trying to convey here, because the next line says it was "disheveled". So this must mean something different, but perhaps you could clarify it?

Roy explained hurriedly--This is a "Swifty". How about "said Roy, his voice so rushed that his words began to run together" or something a little... better than what i could come up with :P

News of their timing could not have been worse. --This is confusing. Do you mean, "The timing of the news could not have been worse"? And if so, why?

outside the sturdy, homestead --misplaced comma

Some of them wore glasses in front of their eyes. --where else would they wear them?

but would brazen it out it if they had to--brazen means "bold and unashamed", which doesn't make sense in this context, and it's an adjective, not a verb.

John pinched the bridge of his nose, realising even as he did so that the fact that he was pinching the bridge of his nose should have told him that he was in Julie’s territory.--this is a cute line

benevolent, if somewhat tired, kindliness.--benevolence and kindness are synonyms and redundant in this context.

struggling to hear whatever it was that John wanted them to observe--I'm not sure why they're "struggling", and observe is a visual verb.

He started to walk towards the source of the beeping, huge strides eating up the ground.--how big is the group? Huge strides seems like too much here

Well done that man!” --not sure what this means.

introducing the other as her sister--The group doesn't know each other?

Out sister spends --s/b "Our"

He turned back suddenly. “Oh, can someone pass me that sports bag, please? Thanks. We won’t get far without that,” he added cryptically.
--this feels like "Deus Ex Machina". Perhaps you could allude to it earlier?

feelings are purely platonic--Would Ben say "Platonic"?
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Review by NegaScout
Rated: E | (3.0)
REVIEW

This piece is a unique analysis of the word "why" and the piece asks us to consider why it has a profound effect on us.

The writing was good. You might have a future writing articles. I only had a couple of points to bring up.

You've categorized this piece as "spiritual", but it's more philosophical than anything.

I think you could have brought up the Big Questions to illustrate the power of "why", like "'Why' am I here?",
but that brings up a point. You say "what" questions are easy, but what about "What is the meaning of life", "What happens to your soul when you die"? Aren't those tough questions?

I also thought you breezed past the whole foreign language aspect. You bring up "teaching English in Korea" several times, but it really only serves to illustrate that "why" is the same in different languages, which is a given. Perhaps you could explain more why it's important that the idea of "why" doesn't vary across cultures.

All in all, this was a very unique, well written piece. It sounded almost like you were putting your thoughts down on paper, which may not work for some magazines, but I think, with some revisions, you could try to get it published.

EDITING

But ask an evolutionist or a Christian --this implies that these are two different people. I kind of resent the implication that all Christians are ignorant.

Why are they all subject to the cruel dictatorship of "why"?--starting and ending a sentence with "why" feels weird.

But why won't let us. --"why" s/b in quotations
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30
Review by NegaScout
Rated: E | (4.0)
Your argument is that the meaning of life is to create more life, and that works for creatures that haven't acheived conscious thought.

Some would argue that Man's consciousness has freed us from being slaves to that meaning. We can choose not to procreate, unlike virtually any other creature. If we don't have kids, does this mean that we have "defied life". I don't think so. Is there something greater than mere reproduction? Possibly.

Do you, for instance, write to pick up girls? If everything in life were geared for mating, this would indeed be the case, but from your portfolio description, I can tell that you are with someone, and presumably, write for other reasons.

Anyways... food for thought. It is not impossible that Man has broken out of that cycle of reproduction. Perhaps you could consider this in a future work.
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Review of In the Dark  
Review by NegaScout
Rated: E | (2.5)

There is this thing in writing called "Deus Ex Machina". It's Latin for "God from a Machine". In Roman plays, writers would sometimes pen tragedies where terrible things happened for the whole length of the play, then at the end everyone died. Of course, this upset the audience, so at the last minute, they had a "God" (really an actor held aloft by a crane, hence the "machine" part) come in and bring everyone back to life and things would then be hunky-dory.

The old "it was all a dream" ending is the modern version of Deus Ex Machina. Now, maybe I'll get flamed for this, but you cannot write a story that ends this way. Ever. Even if it actually WAS a dream that you had a some point. It's been done to death, and smacks of lazy writing (you should be able to come up with something more original than this). It gives the reader the impression that you wrote yourself into a corner, then to get out of it, you dropped the old "dream" line.

Your writing was good, and frankly, I was really enjoying the story. You made me feel the girl's fear, which is certainly admirable. I was waiting to see why she couldn't see anything, and what cunning trick she would use to get out of her predicament...

Anyways, you have a natural talent, so definately keep writing. I'm only giving this a poor rating because of the ending, but if I was to judge the rest of the story by itself, I would have given it a 4.0.
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Review of Verity, Verity  
Review by NegaScout
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
REVIEW

This was a good poem. I'm not an expert in poetry, but the structure was regular and yet it didn't rhyme? Was there a reason for the format?

Your use of trademark names dates this poem as well. In 20 years, people might not know what "Raybans" are. Heck, some people today might wonder.

Anyways, I felt the pain in this poem, and anything that gets across emotion is good in my books. Keep writing! I was only able to pick at small stuff, and I'm very picky!

EDITING

one ounce of affection --this is a cliche. Avoid cliche's like the plague (haha)

Don't pretend you care.-- it seems to me that he's NOT pretending to care...

I didn't breathe a word.-- I don't understand what you're breathing a word about??
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Review of A Dragon's Sorrow  
Review by NegaScout
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
And we could conquer all worlds, together, as one. Even if only in dreams. -- why is this not on two seperate lines?

I care no more for flying through endless stars,
As your tears have long drowned out all air from me, well before my time.-- you have "As" here, but I don't know what the first line has to do with the second line... The loss, yes, but stars and air?

Torture you still, yet you carry it still, --still and still so close together sounds funny.

Stanza 7 kinda lost me. I had an idea in my head of what was going on, but that threw me.

REVIEW

VERY well done poetry. I have an instinctual hatred of poetry that doesn't rhyme. Usually, the poet is simply too lazy to craft powerful imagery while keeping within the boundaries of a rhyming sceme, but this poem smacks of talent and effort. You've restored my faith in freestyle poetry to some extent. Thank you for that.
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Review of Significance  
Review by NegaScout
Rated: E | N/A (Unratable.)
Editing{}

leaning down closer, and as his eyes drifted closed -- "closer" and "closed" together in this sentence sounds odd.

, curled up such as they were-- I'm not sure "curled" works well for me as a metaphor for feelings. "twisted" or "bound up" or "knotted"... I guess I don't know what you are trying to say with "curled"

devoid of substance but loaded with significance--"devoid" and "loaded" are like two different styles. "devoid" is poetic, but "loaded" is high school..

You're a brave man," she whispered--This line made me think there was a twist coming at the end. Why is he so brave? Is she disfigured? Unpopular? I can see that it's said somewhat in jest, but I think you could do a better job of setting it up. You say that it was a frightening step, but the main character doesn't make any outward action that tells us that he's afraid.

his head spinning, breath a bit ragged.-- "a bit ragged" is unpoetic. Perhaps just axe the "bit"?

Then she lifted her head up and kissed him back. --lifted is the wrong word for "her head". Perhaps "tilted"?

Review{}

This was a good piece. I could picture this exact situation occuring with MY girlfriend. Very romantic. That being said, this is more of a poem that a story (or at least it's very poetic and it feels like you're trying for that in your style). The problem is that the romatic mood is disrupted by words like "loaded" and "lifted her head up".

Still, like your other writing, it's quite good. Perhaps give it a once over then consider sending it out? You might want to pick a more original title though... "The Kiss" has been done a lot. "First Kiss" is one suggestion, that hasn't been done so much, but I'm sure you can do better.
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Review of Set the Warrior  
Review by NegaScout
Rated: E | (1.5)
Editing

Perhaps it could start "No one" instead of "None"? If you want "None" then change "could have known" to "forseen" to keep that flavour in the rest of the sentence.

swoop upon unseen drafts until coming upon its final destination point.
--swap "before" where "until" is.

had been transformed into the spirit world.--huh? Souls are transformed into the spirit world? Sent into the spirit world maybe, but I don't understand what you mean by this sentence.

But as we all know the winds are fickle beasts that often tend to tarry upon their appointed journey, rushing hither and thither upon their own paths.--What is this "But" contradicting??? It's at the START of a paragraph, so there's nothing before it.

As it swept across the desert sands in its own fashion-- "the winds" in the previous sentence is plural, but here you use "it" to refer to one wind.

skull laying half --s/b "lying"

the ever moving currents --"moving" is so dull. how about "churning"

contemplating it next move, then --s/b "its"

head of the dune rushing towards the crushed --s/b a comma between "dune rushing"

collecting upon itself the souls -- removed "upon itself" OR replace "upon" with "into"

Behind him came another, --another what? Big scary horse? I know you describe it next, but because you put the comma there, there's a pause in the sentence, so you're thinking big scary horse during that pause.

And so it was --cliche

Review{}

Isn't Set the evil god of the desert? He was the one that tricked and killed Osiris. I'm not sure that I see him "seeking retribution for lives that have been snuffed out". Additionally, Horus was Set's NEPHEW and is usually depicted a GOOD god. In mythology, during a battle with Set, Horus loses an eye which he later donates to his dead father Osiris. Perhaps the role reversal that appears in your story is something you'll justify later, but as it's not explained here, it really detracts from the story. Without that explanation, that discrepancy comes across as a lack of research.

This isn't actually a story. I think it's been mis-categorized as a short story when it is clearly the start of a longer tale. There is no conflict, and the only character in it appears to be the wind.

You're clearly trying for a flavour in this piece and that comes across nicely. I love your descriptions of Set and his horse. They're very metaphorical, but that fits with the flavour of the piece. You really did a great job with the wind too. I liked the way you sent it dancing across the desert.

I'm afraid I can't give this a high rating as a story, but if you re-categorize it as, say, a chapter, and fix some of the above errors, I would be glad to come back and re-rate it for you.
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Review of Got Any Twist?  
Review by NegaScout
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
carolled in some battery farm, a two hour commute, and home to a wife and two-point four kids, --this list isn't congruent. You have a verb in the first one, so either you should have a verb in the others, or removed the first one.

No way, he was still living the dream – still opening the doors to perception.--s/b a period and not a comma

Government TV, another blow for the Man--s/b a period and not a comma. Do a read through and check specifically for this issue cause you do it a lot.

watching re-runs from Free TV. --"Free TV" is too{} obvious irony.

So what if the Man didn’t like it, so what if they called it corrupting innocents.--s/b a question mark, and not a period.

So what if the Man didn’t like it, so what if they called it corrupting innocents. --yet again. s/b two sentences.

Well, I really liked this one. My major complaint is the period/comma thing. I spotted nearly a dozen places where you had two sentences jammed into one.

I'm pretty sure I've actually read a story very similar to this one, though its name escapes me. The old "book dealer = drug dealer" idea is a little done. The other thing is that this story glorifies drug dealers as people who "struggle against the man by selling something that society disapproves of". But hey, I'm not exactly a conservative, so that last point doesn't bother me.

I'm going to give this a 3.5 because it's well done, but not terribly original. Your writing is extremely descriptive and your characters are believable. The plot was fluid and your theme was clear. The dialogue was also well done. Keep writing! You're obviously on the right track
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Review of 3rd Strike  
Review by NegaScout
Rated: 18+ | (3.0)
Ripples of lightning shot through the night, each time illuminating the city below floundering in their rains. -- "their" in this sentence refers to "ripples of lightning", which aren't raining.... misplaced pronoun

In the midst of the sudden chaos, a stealthy black fighter dropped sharply--this doesn't say where it dropped from. I THINK it dropped out of the cloud, but I'm not sure..

Despite its tough shell, it was a delicate machine, and its pilot knew neither would live through this hell. --neither who? Pilot and plane? It's not specified.

"Damn, that many," Colonel Dorian said in disgusted awe-- s/b "Damn. That many," Colonel...

Um. This was a live fire exercise? And it was lethal?? They have all this fancy technology, but no simulators?

This was VERY well written and the action was intense, but the very last line ruined it for me. It feels like you realized that there was no plot and threw that in as an afterthought to appease your more intellectual readers.

I loved the descriptions. It actually felt like I was there, and this is what saves the piece for me. I would really love to see you add a plot into this story, but one certainly isn't necessary.

If you're really going to insist on keeping the last line, then try dropping little clues all throughout the story that it is, actually, an exercise. Like if it really IS all a simulation, and there's no hint that it is, have the Colonel mention that people are more likely to throw their lives away in a game than in real life or something like that.

I love your writing, and I was really getting into this story. I think it would be great to see your talent at work in a story that isn't strictly action. If you have something like that in your port, send me an e-mail. I'd be glad to take a look.
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Review of OVERTIME  
Review by NegaScout
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
Jupiter was lost within the black-hole. She continued by saying that in either case, the danger to us was negligible. -- let me get this straight. Jupiter flew into a black hole that's in our solar system. And the danger is negligible??????

In his apartment, the TV has returned to its regularly scheduled program. --So, he MIGHT know this because he's lived it before, but what does it contribute to the story? Why does he care? Why do WE care?

Below him, wraiths disintegrated in droves as they shuffled by. In the street, a funeral procession of ghostly vehicles rose and melted away, their horns keening to signal the passing of the loved and unloved alike.--How is everyone ELSE reacting to these ghosts???

Jasper decided to go up instead of down, having taken the wraith in the hallway earlier as an omen.-- hasn't he seen this wraith before, a dozen times? Is it ALWAYS an omen?

So I thought "God" really was a black-hole and I was really thinking it was cool until I hit this line:

"Jasper looked God straight in the eye and took aim.
God saw him and winked."

Everything up to that point is a cunning metaphor and can be taken both ways (god/black hole), but this seems to solidify the god-as-a-human bit. Perhaps making it more ambiguous like the rest of the story would be more powerful.

Don't know what his job from Hell was. Was he an assasin? Does he honestly think he can kill God with a .45?? I think it would be better just to imply that he's insane and leave it at that.


This was VERY well written, and a really cool idea, so I'm giving it a high rating despite all of the above. I really think you should strive for ambiguity. That way the religious types can think, "Alright! The Rapture!" and the scientists can think "Cool, Earth's getting eaten by a Black Hole". Everyone's happy that way!
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Review by NegaScout
Rated: E | (1.0)
It's possible that this was meant as a humourous piece because certain pieces are chuckle worthy, but it's not categorized as a humour piece and it looks like you were aiming for action here.

VROOM, the U.S.S. Bup
-- I'm not sure that a spaceship should make this noise in space. Instead of writing the word, try using an action verb i.e. "The U.S.S. Bup vroomed through space" (tried to keep your word there).

“NO, DON’T RUN,” yelled Bongor. “IF WE TAME IT, IT CAN HELP US TO SOMETIMES PULL STUFF THAT’S TOO HEAVY FOR US TO CARRY OR PULL!”
--DON'T USE ALL CAPS. You should be able to portray the level of drama without this cheap theatric. If you find that you have to resort to CAPS, rewrite it and add more drama instead.

When Earth and Ron were bupported it was the first time in Earth’s life that he was bupported. It looked like he was floating in foggy water. --This was confusing. I thought at first that this is what it looked like WHILE he was being "bupped", but apparently these are the surroundings that he was "bupped" into.

communicate through either”. -- s/b commincate through IT either

“Hide,” answered Bongor. “If we hide, the lasha will walk past us. Then we can catch it from behind”.
-- isn't it a little late too hide? It's already jumped out of the bushes.

“Welcome back, sir,” said Dongor Earth’s officer, as they walked onto the bridge. --How did they get back to the ship???

This was a nice attempt at a simple action adventure story, but it struck me that nothing actually happened in it. They go to an asteroid for an unexplained reason. They warp down to it and encounter a beast which they hide from. Apparently this accomplishes their mission because they head back to their ship. They encounter an evil ship which they simply drive around and fly back to the USS Bup. The whole time, nothing is accomplished.

It might help to outline this story a little bit. Try to figure out a conflict, then have the hero learn from it.

It doesn't really matter if this is meant to be humourous or not, a plot is essential to a story.
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40
Review by NegaScout
Rated: E | (2.0)

I'm not sure this is actually a poem. It feels like a short story where you've broken the sentences into little chunks.

I think this could work as a short story, but as a poem, I'm sorry it just doesn't.

Poems these days don't have to rhyme, but there are still ways to tell if it actually IS a poem. In a poem, you're restricted in how many words you can use, so you've got to make sure each word packs a punch. There's none of the powerful imagery here that would make this qualify as a poem.

Usually, poems have a theme, but this is just a random collection of thoughts (you admit its a dream). It doesn't help that it's all one paragraph.

My advice on this one is either to spend a lot of time trying to figure out what emotion you want to draw out in your reader and modify your poem accordinly, or go for broke and turn this into a really short story.
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Review of Just A Breezer  
Review by NegaScout
Rated: E | (1.0)
Leafing Order
Just a Breezer
I was Ion, or as on the net Akcaims -- This first bit was so confusing it kind of put me off the story. No idea what's going on here..

with no Creds -- s/b "had no Creds"

thought of me being M.O., -- The acrononym are still unexplained... so I'm in paragraph 2 and I'm still completely lost.

Kruzin’, the juvie term for floating bodiless through the net, looking for either a G.O., or if you got no creds like me, a T.O. -- FINALLY something is explained, but in the same sentence you have two acronyms that I still haven't figured out.

Sorry I just gave up halfway through. I really have NO IDEA what's going on. You use a bunch of acronyms that are unexplained, and your slang is not obvious.

What I kinda got is that he's flying around a virtual city in the net, and he's got no money and he's looking to get "apped" (don't know what that means though). But, so far as I know, it's halfway through the story, and you haven't done any plot development. I also have no idea how this character is or what he's about.

Usually I try to offer a bunch of writing advice based on a writer's style in these things, but I couldn't get enough of a feel for it under all that terminology. Sorry.

This is probably part of a larger piece that explains all the terminology, and if so, I apologize, but as it stands now I can't give this a high rating.
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Review of Stand Up  
Review by NegaScout
Rated: ASR | (3.5)
If everyone else
Can see it too
-- I'm not keen on "everyone else". Too unpoetic. I think. Perhaps something like "the masses" or "the people" (as opposed to the Government which you mention earlier [people and government have a symmetry which might work well in this piece]). Sheesh... embedded brackets.... yuck!

With guns,
War,
Or fighting,
--This isn't really congruent. If you have "with" guns, you should have "with war" and "or with fighting". Otherwise, I looked like a list that's broken into three lines.

Tomorrow will be sorrowful -- not keen on this line... it doesn't really speak to me. Can I suggest something better? not right now... sorry

I liked this poem. It had a distinctly American feel to it, but I suppose it could be applied to any country. I loved the kind of random rhything that you threw in. Since it wasn't in a pattern, it felt accidental, which added something to the poem for me.

I'm no poet, but I like to see powerful and evocative metaphors in pieces this small. I think this is one area where you could improve. "Sorrowful" doesn't really say anything, and doesn't have the feel of the piece. "Precious Freedomes" is almost a cliche. This also applies in your other poems. Look at each of the lines in your poem, and try to make it more powerful. Thing of single words that put whole pictures in your mind. "Roared" is one of these, though it is over used. When I say "roared", you get a mental whole picture (probably of a lion or something).

Would you agree that poetry is about taking these mental picture words and building a story out of them? I'm no poet, so this is just a random thought.
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Review of Pride  
Review by NegaScout
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
This was short and sweet.

I wasn't sold on the "Travel around the battlefield" line. Usually soldiers are crammed in close to each other and there's certainly no room for travelling (unless he's a General or a mounted Captain or something, but that wasn't portrayed).

I'm not sure "whizzing" is a very poetic word either. I think that it's a great place to use a metaphor like "screaming" or "piercing" or "slicing".

It's difficult to rate something this short. If you change one or two words, the whole thing changes dramatically. For now I'm going to give this a 3.0, but it could climb to a 5.0 with a few minor changes.
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Review of Warflower  
Review by NegaScout
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
But then, the mouse’s end of the bargain had probably been worse, he mused as he dropped it into his mouth, sucking the tail up at last with a smack. -- he eats it whole?

wide-eyed from beyond horror-- replace the "from" with "and"

and laid very still along with them. -- you've said "very still" a couple of times before this

This was very well done. I had a real problem with the formatting. It's long, and with no indentation or spaces between paragraphs it was hard on the eyes.

I wasn't sure why it was called a "warflower". You describe a lot of conflict around it, but the battles seemed to have no bearing on the flower.

This idea has been done before, but you did it well. The writing was very descriptive. I loved some of your metaphors like how the leaves "sprayed" out from the plant. I loved the scientific aspect of the sun exploding. You actually know what you're talking about when you describe it's iron core right before it explodes. That being said, I thought maybe that final cycle of rebirth might be going a little far.

Anyways, well done! I usually steer clear of stories this long, but you kept me going. Way to Go!
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Review of I, Mary Barber  
Review by NegaScout
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
It all started on that fateful day of March 12 -- this is a cliche. Avoid cliches like the plague (ha ha).

Gram was having me bring one packet of bog weed tea to each girl every night --earlier, Gram chastises Mary for doing exactly this. Feels a little hypocritical, and motives are unexplained.

Men and Women in the same prison together???? That seems remarkably, un-"puritan"-ish (look I coined a word!) What's to stop the witches from mating?

After the initial mob, many of the townspeople had decided that Gram and I were innocent.
“The jury finds Arthur Bill, Mary Barber, and Agnes Browne guilty-- this feels like a huge contradiction... If everyone thinks they're innocent, why are they found guilty?

Well, despite all of the above, I thought this was well written. It had a good plot and the narrative flowed. Mary's interaction with the other girls could use a little work, but it was believable.

I definately think you should spend a couple of hours tidying this sucker up, then send it out for publication!
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Review by NegaScout
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
Her current mission was in Cairo and she was suppose to spy on the enemy know as the "Chameleon." The CIA and other Alliances don't know who this man's name was or whom he worked for -- there's a tense shift here.

She managed to get a couple of pictures but nothing more; she knew her assigner would be unhappy. She lifted her scarf from her face and looked up. The wind had died down, so there wasn't much sand blowing around -- this kind of hit me out of nowhere. You've got background background background, then whammo! middle of the paragraph, we're right into what the character feels. There should definately be a new paragraph, and a smoother transition, I think.

She climbed a dune, peered over and saw her extraction point. She thought to herself and wondered if her calculations were correct, her extraction point wasn't for another three miles. -- Unless there's a big "extract me here" sign in the desert, the extract point IS wherever she calculates it is. Perhaps, if there's someone waiting to pick her up, say "Her ride was parked a hundred yards away. How odd, she thought to herself, my extraction point isn't for another three miles", or something like that.

There was a paused as they lifted, -- s/b "Pause"

We have to get those files that so we are going on a secret mission -- remove "that so" and insert "because"

“Wait one sec,” Amanda aid interrupting Terri, “ -- s/b a new paragraph here.

Why do they it's SHE broke into the agency and erased her owned files? ESPECIALLY cause she's in Cairo while it happened. It's like a 12 hour plane flight EACH WAY. Please explain.

had nothing to do with the break in.” “Yea but they won’t believe you, --new dialogue, new paragraph

“Because I picked up three transmissions that matched the same ones that we found when your parents were killed.” Amanda remembered that her parents were killed fourteen years ago on a mission in Russia.--she's a little cavalier about this, no? How does she feel, remembering this painful experience. Does she miss mommy and daddy?

that was Terri’s flight, she wouldn’t be here in time-- you never seperated them. They were on the helicopter together, then all of a sudden, they're seperate and Terri's not gonna make it.

Please explain why Terri has to get on a seperate flight?? Also, does this actually happen to the real CIA? I'm not really a spy guy, but it's hard to believe they would be careless enough to have a mission spoiled by a delayed flight.

“May I have permission to access the mainframe? I am from World’s Insurance and unless you allow me to walked through those doors, my headquarters will shut down the system and terminate your account with us.”
“Go ahead.” --This feels rushed. If I imagine this really happening, and say, me walking up an official at a trade center, I think they would AT LEAST ask for ID. I'm SURE if they didn't know I was coming, they'd phone THEIR boss and find out if he knew anything. They'd probably phone the company that I worked for to verify my story. Suspention of disbelief is fine, but I need a little more than a this.

Her parents seem kind of pissed at her? Where's the tearful reunion (just kidding). This would be a great place to build some emotional tension! They don't know what to make of each other? "Do mommy and daddy still love me?" "I don't want to kill my own daughter, but what if she doesn't join". That kind of thing.

Like how you ended it.

I LOVE spy stories. I think it's an INCREDIBLY hard genre to tackle, because everything a spy does or says is a lies, but the author has to make it all believable. This one was well executed and because it's the only thing in your portfolio, perhaps your first attempt. It does need a lot of fleshing out, but I think it's a great platform for you to develop.

Keep working on this story! and I'll definately keep a lookout for more of your spy stories!
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Review of Wisdom  
Review by NegaScout
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
I traded naive in for Victim -- "naive" and "in" sound a little funny together. read it out loud and you'll see what I mean...

But the closet is still just as cozy, -- I'm not sure I got this. Isn't she not in the closet anymore cause she's a warrior?

Well, written, and I'm not usually into poetry! There are a few minor points that I have to make tho. You start the poem off as "I" then it's all third person after the 2nd stanza.

There's also a weird time thing going on here. At first, I got the impression that after Victim came Survivor, but then you tried to portray this whole duality thing where she's both victim and survivor.

It's possible the more sleep-addled amongst us could also not figure out that warrior and survivor are the same thing.

So... if you got this far, you deserve the good stuff! Though I wasn't really able to identify with the main character(cause I'm a 6'1'' guy), I really liked this poem. I can see how it might be very cathardic for someone that's gone through a lot of pain. Of course, it felt like there was a little action in it, and that's what kept me reading, I admit it. Nothing like slaying dragons to pacify a guy.

It was a skillfully crafted poem that is able to attract a variety of different readers. Well done! Keep it up!
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Review of Birth Of A God  
Review by NegaScout
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
The moon briefly disappeared behind cloud. -- "clouds" I think, or "a cloud"

My one. Now the one of the Lady of the Swamps-- this felt awkward -- maybe, "Now your are one of the Lady of the Swamps foundlings", though that's not much better...


The shimmering boat was cool, but earlier you said that only she could see it. So, the only person that it's disappearing for it her. Why? cause it blocks her view?

Her studies had told her a bit about the gods of this forsaken place. They were not as brutish as her fellows would have led her to believe. They --ealier she goes on about how savage they are. This feels like an "about-face"

she sloshed her way toward this and, -- this might be a silly thought, but she's a godess, and you really give the impression of power, but she can't walk on water??? that seems like a natural "diety" thing to do...

It was only because her shut eyelids held them back.--I'm not sure you sold me on the "water-tight" eyelids...

Well written. I had to resort to finding paradoxes and quibbly over details. This did feel like the intro to a story though. I'm not sure it can stand on it's own. I mean it's certainly wonderfully written, but there's no clever resolution, and the plot clearly fits into something bigger (of course, you did mention this in your disclaimer).

ALSO I'm not sure if you know this, but one of the best-selling video game series of all time, the "Balder's Gate" games, have EXACTLY the same gimmic. Children of Baal. No kidding. Couldn't get them out of my head as I was reading this. And they did it fairly well too... Like if you changed the daddy god, I wouldn't have immediately thought of them, but... Baal's been done.
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Review of Alien Contact  
Review by NegaScout
Rated: E | (5.0)
well done.

The dialogue is totally believable. I'm not sure what would detract others from giving this a higher rating.

Not sure where this could be published, but it feels like a good exercise.

I'd love to give some witty advice about how you could improve your writing style, but unfortunately there really isn't anything that needs improving here.

Keep it up!
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Review of Just Another Day  
Review by NegaScout
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
well written.

If you changed the "sun going away" thing to some scientific techno-babble instead of a vacation, you could market this as sci-fi too.

I didn't really get the sun + moon thing, and when she said "even the sun and moon can find each other" I was like, "huh?". Maybe this could be developed a bit, or maybe removed.

Anyways, coherent, good, if ridiculous, plot. Wrap it up and send it out for publication!
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