Also, I'm not sure this should be listed as "Horror/Scary". He's crawling with puppies at the end for chrissakes!
The monosyllabic restraint makes it feel jerky at some points and disrupts the flow. You did revert to using longer words at the end though. "Looked, whined, etc..." are two syllables.
Keep going though! Well-written. I'd like to hear how it ends...
Well, this story started screaming "D&D". Paladin, gnolls, clerics that can heal, but then it went somewhere different.
I like that you were putting the gnoll fight next to the little girl's plight. Really felt like you were sending a message.
That being said, this needs a major proofread. Spelling mistakes and repeated words abound.
If you're going to send this to anyone other than, say, Dragon magazine, take the gnolls out and replace them with some, non D&D monster. Otherwise, I think it's obvious that you are a semi-experienced writer and you are using all the right tools in this story.
well written. The formatting was a little tough to read. It's basically just 3 paragraphs. A little space between them would make it easy to read.
I'm not sure where you'd publish this, but send it out. It's technically good. It's not HUGELY interesting to me because there's no conflict, but it's short so I didn't feel like I had wasted much time.
Your writing is both good and imaginative: a recipe for success. I'll keep an eye out for some of your other pieces.
Address: Saint Somewhere -- this is her actual address or is this a joke?
no friends, no where to call "home." -- "nowhere"
Ten minutes later she found herself walking into the first open bar she found, thinking that she’d better watch her step, because if at that moment the floor decided to cave in, she was sure she’d go straight to hell -- nice line, but it's unexplained. Is this because of the state of the bar, or because she thinks she deserves it.. if so, why is she having this feeling in the bar?
--This bar's description doesn't match the clientele, and you introduce "Mark" without attaching the name to the bartender
-- After the description of the bar, I didn't buy that she wanted to work there. Why not try the bar down the road first?
t-shirt with the sleeves cut off, proudly proclaiming, “If you can read this the bitch fell off.” -- this is a motorcycle shirt. This writing is usually on the BACK of the shirt. You miss the joke if it's on the front.
Jimmy Buffett -- REALLY??? COME ON...
Why she had the nightmares wasn't explained and that seemed to be the thrust of the story (unless I skipped over it).
It's wonderfully written, it just wasn't my kind of story. I thought it was more a romance than a drama, the only reason to NOT classify it as a romance is that they don't end up together at the end.
You obviously have talent, but I'm afraid I can't give this the mark it probably deserves. It seemed kind of pointless to me (and was boring in parts), but it was well written, so I'll give you bonus points for that.
wow. powerful. I'm not of fan of romance, but I read this the whole way through without getting stuck on any obvious errors.
Again, the prose is almost poetic. I'm not sure the variety of parenthesis that you use are necessary and they're often confusing. I can tell you're using them as an aside to "talk" to your readers, but I'm not sure if that gimmick is necessary here, and may come across as unprofessional to a publisher.
Because I definately think this one deserves to be published!
Virginia had been so sure of herself back then, so sure that the every story could have a happy ending,
-- I think the "the" shouldn't be before "every story"
I liked this. I was very poetic, and it's clear that you have a great ear for descriptive prose.
When you said, "a lifetime for each Virginia", you hadn't introduced the characters yet, so I thought "North and South Virginia"?, silly, no?
Are Helen and Virginia characters from the Narnia books? I'm not really sure where Helen kissing Virginia's boyfriend fits with your mention of that series.
The formatting got to me a little. There are special tags you can use to indent your paragraphs (which, for obvious reasons, won't show up if I type them in here).
I was really impressed with the level of detail and metaphor that you have in this story, but I have the nagging feeling that I missed the point of it.
"Begone with ambition" and "Too many to mention" didn't seem to "flow" as well as the previous paragraph.
Not sure what "pettifoggers" are. This is poetry, should I have to look things up?
The paragraph about the "Dark Place" and "poor distraught brother" smacks of "Blacks and Restitution", which is a dangerously political comment to make in a poem that feels light hearted up till then. I'm PRETTY sure that this isn't what you meant, but your poem could be interpreted in this way.
"prurient"? Again, I'm a university student and this is poetry. In poetry you are trying to evoke mental images, no? I have NO mental image of "prurient"
The last couple of paragraphs felt rushed and didn't really keep with the pacing of the rest of the poem.
When I review, I jot things down as a go, so that is why the review took the format that it did.
I'm VERY impressed with this poem. It reeks of skill and thought and has a message besides. It's a wonderful reprieve from the "lazy poetry", that is, poetry that is no more than a REALLY short story, that permeates the genre right now.
I'm not a poetry fan, but you roped me in and I'd say this has broad appeal. I haven't actually given out a grade higher than a 3.5 yet, but you're getting a 4.5. Send it out to a publisher!
I thought it was clever in that the progression from alien to canine was gradual, but it's been done.
It was kind of odd that the dog's nose and eyes talked to him.
At the start, the guy leaves in his Viper, but it was coloured to reflected the deadly rays outside? Not sure how deadly sunshine is, especially to a dog and a man.
You also explicitly refer to it as "the Starship Chippewa" which feels like a cheap way to make sure that we're fooled. I think you did a good enough job of it that you don't need to resort to tactics like that.
Not sure what the "fifth dimensional" creatures had to do with the story. Maybe it was too clever for me, but you could consider making it more apparent or removing it.
Anyways, overall I'd say it was a solid, if unoriginal, effort. The pacing is good, the dialog is believable, and you almost pull off the surprise ending.
Good job! Keep writing... I'll keep my eyes peeled for more stories.
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