An interesting little poem about the biblical story of Christ pardoning an adulterer.
Some of the rhymes in this poem were a little uncertain (ie. "stop" and "up"), and the meter was a little off in places (3rd stanze, 1st and 2nd lines, among others).
The actual writing of the story was quite good. I should have been tipped off about the subject by the title. I wasn't but it was still well chosen.
The emotion and the thought were all here, you just need to work on the mechanics for this to be a great little poem.
The writing is good in this one, after you get around some awkward phrasing in the first couple of paragraphs.
The biggest problem is that first paragraph, which is the one literary agents are going to focus on. The author, like countless hordes of authors before her has started her novel with a description of the weather. This is cliched, and is bound to turn an agent off, which is a shame because once the author gets going, the story is actually quite good.
Another problem is that at the end of this prologue, I have no idea what the story is going to be about. This is less a problem in the literary genre that this is aimed at, but since there's no "hook", I don't feel compelled to read on.
The writing is good, and I don't think this author has far to go before getting a publishing contract... but this prologue definately needs a rewrite.
You know, I was just thinking to myself, "Every once in a while you come across a gem in the sci-fi category". It doesn't happen often, but when it does, it's a real pleasure. Then I saw that the author is Kotaro, and I thought of course.
Only little quibbles with this one... such as the words "A long time ago, in a galaxy far, far away" don't actually scroll, do they? They show up in blue and stay center screen. I also think that the zoo keeper might protest more. After all, if jails are for people then surely zoos are for animals, and not robots? It seems like the same logic to me.
Anyways, well done... again. I hope you're publishing these.... they're definately worthy.
This is a very well written piece that I'd heartily recommend for anyone reading this review.
It's brilliantly written. Your description uses sophisticated (but easy to understand) metaphors and there's wonderful character development. I would have given this a 5.0 because I believe it could be published as is, but I figured 4.5 cause there are two things I think could be handled better.
The title is a little weak. "Unneeded Command" appears to refer to the command to disembark from the plane... but there's nothing cunning or witty there... and the rest of the story is so brilliantly written that you'd think the title would have panache. It's an amateur title for a professional work.
The ending itself needs more "oomph" I think. The main character needs to feel more triumph about asserting herself or something. She's nervous in a bad situation, but she gets the courage to give a command despite not really knowing what to do. I think that should be more of a transcending moment. Right now, the story just ends, but if you had your main character grow a little from the experience, it would add more punch to your climax.
Well written overall. Truly a publishable work. Definately send this out ASAP. Thanks for the read!
This short story feels like an outpouring of the inner thoughts and feelings of a grandmother upon the birth of her daughter's baby.
This is really emotional and it feels like you are spilling your feelings onto the page. It actually felt like I was peering into your mind, and that was certainly a different experience. If this is based on real life, I hope that neither your daughter, nor her husband reads this.
If you intend to publish this (and I'd recommend you give it a shot), you should clear up a few technical issues. You refer to your daughter as your baby, which is confusing because there's an actual baby in the story.
I'm not sure why you felt the need to defend your grandson when your son-in-law's parents were over. Where they threatening the child? That has to be made more clear.
A decent work overall. The emotion is raw and comes through well. This would make a good flash fiction story. Thanks for the read!
This is the story of a reporter that is trying to snag the, well, the "Big Story".
I didn't like this one as much as your other story "50 Dollars" . The grammar needed a little work here. I can understand that in speech that you might be trying to portray the colloquial english in use in India, but there are grammar problems in the narration as well.
There are problems with the main character's motivations as well. Why does she not know where her son is? She should know if he was in that area. I'm also a little hesitant about the way that Meena addresses her editor. I'm not sure if her editor would care much about her "career".
Because of these problems, the story comes across as too preachy, and the characters as archetypes. We don't feel much for the main character because we don't see her as a person.
To tackle this, perhaps you can write a little more doubt and internal struggle about the choice of assignment into her character? More internal thoughts and dialogue about most of the situations she encounters would really help overall. The better we understand Meena as a person, the more we can empathize with the horror she experiences at the end.
A decent effort, but not quite there. Thanks for the read!
this is a neat little "day in the life" style story of a mosh pit at a local church.
I'm not sure about the teaser for this story "In which she talks fondly about her shoes" is something that Virginia Woolf might write, but this piece is not in that style. I sounds a little pretensious and so puts you in that frame of mind... which is not what you're going for I think.
The Imagery in this story is well done, and I got a good picture of what was happening. I was a little distracted by the tense shifts and I'd recommend you run this through a grammar checker to catch some mistakes.
An interesting little story. Keep writing. you're doing good.
This is a listing of the most embarassing moments in the author's life.
This is a great start, but it would be nice if you could find a format that works. Is it a story? If so, you could try telling this as a first person POV and work on a way to tell these four events together. Try to involve us a little more in your character and we will feel your embarassment more.
Keep going, you've got a great start here! Thanks for the read!
This is a nice little poem that is a tribute to either the author herself, or the author's friend.
This is an encouraging little poem, but from a technical standpoint, there's very little to draw the reader into it. I'm not sure how this pertains to me, the reader. What do I gain by reading this poem?
The imagery is a little simplistic, but it's a good start. My advice is to read a LOT of poetry... study it, and see how the mastery accomplish the same thing. The idea behind this poem had been covered before by some great poets. How did they tackle the subject matter?
A good attempt from a budding poet. Keep writing and improving, and this'll be published in no time!
This is a poem that mourns the loss of the author's father.
This is quite the impressive piece of poetry. And it's heartfelt... that shows through.
The imagery is confusing, perhaps in part, because you are placing yourself in both the role of son remembering his father, and father talking to your son. The three people sometimes get confused in my mind and I lose track of which one you're talking about.
The vocabulary in this poem is very good, and the choice of words is top notch. The language sounds very poetic. Well done.
I hate to say this, but I think you could break this guy up into stanzas. Poets usually lump a poem into one big group to portray a sense of breathlessness or hurry, but that's exactly what you're NOT trying for here. Stanza would allow the reader to pause and enjoy each individual image.
This is a neat little story about a wife taking revenge on her husband.
The writing in this story is quite good. There was very little I could pick out in terms of things that jarred. The entire plot was a little far fetched, and there were several unanswered questions (the surprise party has only male guests?).
Despite the far fetchedness (hmmm... I'm saying that's a word) of the plot, this has actually been done before. There isn't anything really new in this story, and that's a bit of problem. Perhaps there is some way you could add your own stamp to it? I'm a speculative writer, so my first thought is to put some fancy science in there, but I'm sure you can come up with something better.
The quality of the writing is good enough that I don't think you'll have too much trouble getting published, but unless this is rewritten for originality, it'll have to be with a different story. Thanks for the read, and good luck!
This is the author's advice on how to become a professional author.
The article basically boils down to "keep a pen and paper handy" and "watch out for things to write about". This is, of course, excellent advice, but there is way, way more to being a professional writer (as the author alludes to, saying that there will be another chapter to follow). If the author intends to write more advice, it might be best to format this article as a blog or a novel, or perhaps change the title.
The advice contained in the article isn't particularly useful and doesn't really live up to the title. The author plugs a couple of books and short stories in this article, and I would be interested in hearing about the steps he took to get those published.
The writing itself is light hearted and easy to read. Nicely done here.
This is quite the excellently written little short story. You're quite the talented author, but there are few things you could do to make this story even better.
First... more detail. Instead of saying "Sedan", say "Chevy". That kind of thing. You can never be specific enough in modern fiction (but don't overwhelm us). Second, you TELL us things a few times. Like, the description of Junction city breaks the narrative, and isn't very necessary.
I'm not sure about the market for this kind of story, though it's excellently written. There's no super natural in it, and a father slaying his children in this manner will turn off the average reader. I only stayed with the story because it was well written and you gave me an excellent review for "Briskburner" and I wanted to return the favour.
I'm a pretty harsh reviewer (check out my given reviews if you don't believe me), so a 4.5 from me is pretty good. Polish this sucker up and start sending it out.
This story is an attempt in the OULIPAN tradition to write a story using as many p words as possible. If you're not familiar with the term, OULIPANs have been described as "rats who construct the mazes from which they must then escape."
There are problems with this story. First, of course is that it makes very little sense and there as not very much characterization at all. The repetition of the letter P makes the story very difficult to read after the first two paragraphs. It's not so much a story as a clever writing exercise.
A major problem arises when the author says that it's meant to be read aloud. "P" words make you spit, so I sure there are some people out there that will get covered in saliva as this is read out (especially by elderly folks reading this to grandkids). "P" words are also very difficult for people that have the slightest speech impedement.
Obviously, becaues this is a style of literature, the idea itself isn't particularly original. I think I've read a few stories like this that even use the letter "p", but of course a modern example occurs with the letter "v" in "V for Vendetta".
Anyways, I'm guessing from the link that the book is already self published, in which case I'm not sure if my points will be at all helpful.
This is the 1st Person POV story of a man's slide into insanity and the eventual murder of his wife.
I have no idea what this is rated one star. All I can think of is that you gave someone a bad review and they took petty revenge or something.
The story is a little slow in parts, but you handled the insanity with a subtlety that was quite well done. As a suggestion to pick up the pace, I think you could cut about 10% of the text. The capitalization was also distracting and felt random, not intentional.
The writing is good, and I was tempted to give you an unfairly high rating to counter the unfairly low one this story had on it already. I'm a harsh reviewer, but even I didn't think this meritted less than a 3.5. It needs a bit of work, but it's got potential.
This is the story of the Elven conquest of a foreign land.
I apologize that I wasn't able to finish this piece, so if I'm a little off in my review, it's because I stopped during the orc attack.
I'm not a fan of the broad descriptions of the world that you give in the start. There's no characters to get attached to, just vague descriptions of a world we know nothing about. These descriptions are unnecessary. Notice that Tolkien, master of the epic, described his world through the eyes of his character, not with the broad narrative.
The writing itself is good, but there are numerous grammatical errors and tense shifts. Popping this story into MS Word and following up on the grammar checker's suggestions could certainly help here.
You're very descriptive in your writing, and you're very good at painting a mental picture. That shows talent and you certainly have potential to be a great writer. As a writing exercise, I would humbly suggest that you write a story with just two characters and try to develop them as much as you can. Character is arguably the most important element in modern fiction, and you can't have enough of it.
This is a nice little story about a neurotic author who has a fear of tigers. The woman across the hall decides to help him out, and eventually they marry.
The ending (he DOES get attacked by tigers), of course, was telegraphed... but that's not necessarily a bad thing. It was kind of the only way the story could end. It was certainly not an original subject, but the writing was good enough that you can read it just for that.
The characters are well developed. I was unsure of whether or not Casey was a man until way later in the story because the name is so androgynous and it's not clarified early, but you developed the two main characters very well, and I understood why they fell in love.
The dialogue was fresh and natural, and there was just enough description to make the story enjoyable without overwhelming us.
This story is as good as many that are published. I'm only giving this a 4.5 because you've chosen an idea that already been well developed by other authors. Great writing! Thanks for the read.
When I first read the description of this story I thought, "Meh, it's been done". But the story you wrote is unique and interesting. Truly a new spin on an old idea.
One thing I didn't get what the Colonel at the end. Was the camera specifically targeting him for assassination or something? Seems a little weird to put an assassination device a continent away from its subject.
For some reason, when I read this, I thought "impostor" by Philip K. Dick. Take that as a compliment.
I'm giving this a 4.0 because of the unexplained colonel bit at the end, but without that little flaw, I think it's ready for publication. It's always a pleasure reading your work. Keep writing.
How this story doesn't have five stars is beyond me considering the overly generous nature of most reviewers. I, however, am a harsh reviewer and leave in my wake a trail of crushed hopes and battered dreams.
Still, this was very well done. I'm thoroughly uninterested in stories like this, and yet I was drawn along by your beautiful characterizations and the emotional narrative of your protagonist. My sole criticism is that the story is good enough that you don't need the "telepath" bit in the end. It feels like you are artificially trying for a "twist" ending, but you should let the strength of the story speak for itself.
This is the finest example of "should be published" work I can find on this site... and remember, I'm the bone crunching ogre that delights in giving stories 1.5 stars.
Despite that one failing, I'm going to give this five stars because it could be published in its present form. If you're not sending this out, you should. It's a great piece of work.
It is a fairly interesting concept, but some of the imagery you use is cliched. "crashing down around your ears" is a good example of this. It's been said before many times, and in poetry, especially of this length, every line needs to be fresh and original.
Try using some metaphors and similes, the "meat and potatoes" of poetry. With a little work, this could really be something.
EDITING
I can make your existence amazing
Or feel it full of despair --I'm not sure this second line fits. Is the narrator feeling your life?
I have to admit I gave up on this story about a quarter of the way through. Please don't take that
personally. I'm a 30 year old man and I get the feeling that I'm not your target audience. Still, from my point of view, there are some major areas of improvement in this piece.
Not enough information is given about the character to retain our interest at the beginning of the story. She's almost a cliche of herself (story begins with someone crying over a journal... that in itself is a cliche). The major problem with the beginning is that the depression is soooooooo harsh and there's so much description of it that the audience just doesn't buy into it. That's because we haven't gotten to know the character enough yet... we don't CARE about her yet. I mean, wonderful job with the description here (it's really quite good)...but if you make us love the character first, we'll be that much more involved and saddened that she's depressed.
The beginning was a little confusing in points, and I got the impression that you were doing this on purpose to "hold our interest". We're supposed to be puzzled by the stick, I think... but I was able to figure out that the "stick" and "box" was a pregnancy test. If I hadn't, that part would just be confusing, and confusing your readers also turns them off.
A really good way to hold a readers attention is to follow this formula:
Hook 1
Hook 2
Answer Hook 1
Hook 3
Answer Hook 2
etc..
Your hook in the first paragraph is okay. It's "why is this girl crying". But then you try to keep us guessing for your other hooks (What's the stick and box?), and you don't answer hook one until wayyyyy later (she's pregnant with her friends boyfriend's kids [sry I was skimming by that point])
The grammar is mostly okay. There are a few minor issues.. but this may be your first draft and that's the be expected.
The description is wonderful. I mean... if you'd waited to hit us with the depression bit until after we felt for the character it would have been fabulous. Well done here... just placed in the wrong spot.
The dialogue isn't believable. I'll use this exchange as an example:
“But I didn’t…”
“I know what went on between you two.”
“It wasn’t…”
“You’ll pay for this.”
The last line is a cliche (which we avoid at all costs [haha]), and I'm not sure anyone really says this in conversation (we just think they do because we read it so much). This entire section doesn't sound real. Try reading it out loud, and I think you'll see what I mean.
I always feel a little badly giving a below average rating, so, if you'd like, you can e-mail me when you've done a second draft, and I can re-review it and adjust the rating as appropriate. Keep writing... you've got great skills.
This is awesome. How can you NOT like a story that involves waxing penguins??
Why did I not give it a 5.0? For me... 5.0 means "publishable" and I just can't figure out what market would publish this. I've thought and thought of magazines that might accept this, and I can't think of a one. Not because it's not good, cause I think it's hilarious, but because it doesn't make any sense.
Anyways... if you find a market for this, I'll stand corrected and boost the rating as appropriate. Until then... the review ended.
Well... my first thought is: "I don't get it". And that's not necessarily a bad thing in a piece this short.
You've written it well enough that I'm wondering if there's some deeper meaning that I'm missing. Right now, it feels like a lot of cunning description followed by an angry guy. There might be a message here, or perhaps you're trying for a comparison between flames and anger... but I'm not sure that came across for me.
There are a few technical points which I've outlined below, but other than that... a nice effort. This shows promise. Good work.
The Screams drifted in and out of the red and orange dancing colors. The deep indigo sky, almost scorched by the scarlet flames down under its massiveness.--too...many...colour...adjectives...
The heavens ain’t burning tonight--This line is conversation, and doesn't fit with the descriptive lines in this paragraph
I ran at him, anger and the rage of an inferno inside me.--because the whole story is about fire... having this flame metaphor doesn't work. Surely the flames of his anger must pale in comparison to the exteral flames? One of them is dimishing, and I think that's not what you're aiming for..
This was quite a good little story, though it's really a kind of poetry, isn't it? Since it feels so much like poetry to me, I'll try to analyse it as such.
I really liked this one. It's unique and well thought out with noticeably dramatic atmosphere.
The major problem with the piece was that the overall thread of the story wasn't clear. Is the "I" in each paragraph/stanza the same person? The feel from paragraph to paragraph changes too much for it to be one person, and yet not enough for it to be several people. What I mean is that the narrator uses a very dramatic prose, but then the occasional inelegant phrase distances the reader from the text. Witness these two sentences:
...refuse to offer myself and my secrets up as the next pitiful sacrifice to the all-revealing light. I stand just off to the side, not really joining in the hunt, but far enough away to not become the hunted.
The first is very dramatic, but the "not really joining in the hunt" in the second is indecisive and spoils the effect of the first line.
This is wonderful work, but I'd suggest that if teh narrator is just one person, you go over it again as a second draft and see if you can make it a little more cohesive. "Atmosphere" is so difficult to capture, but if you suceed, you can make an already decent piece into a great work of fiction.
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