I'm hooked. Angels, vampires, were-wolves... all tied into some good myths from Christian and Pagan history.
Characters:
Lilith's dark beauty and cold bitterness is enthralling. She could be a villian or an anti-hero at this point, and that makes her all the more interesting.
Even angel's are fallable and perhaps that scares Gabriel himself. We know he is nervous and uneasy, and wants to return to heaven, but what else? Explore his reaction to his fall more in-depth. Does his soul cry at the loss of his home, his wings, his god? Does he loathe god for not understanding his pleas? Or does he understand god's decision to cast him down for speaking out?
Plot/Storyline:
Darkly enchanting. An angel must seek out the assistance of the "fallen" to regain his position in heaven. Quite the conflict!
Tying together the story of Lilith and Lucifer's fall with the fall of this angel is a nice hook and gives you a lot to explore in further chapters if you so wished to use it.
Structure/Grammar:
You switch between two spellings - Gabriel and Gabriele
Be bold and decisive in your wording. Try to avoid words like "almost". For example, in the first paragraph, Gabriel's actions show us his hesitancy, so "almost considered turning around" is not truly necessary though it can be used to reinforce. I recommend something like this for the last three sentences of that paragraph - Upon the cold marble landing, he stood for a moment before a huge, black door. Turning back could not truly be an option, yet it flickered through his mind briefly. With a deep breath, he raised his clenched fist to knock.
In the above example, I tried to show a different wording that "shows" more than "tells". I think you have great story ideas and you write very well. You can take your writing to the next level by striving to "show" more. Avoid passive verbs and let your descriptions set the mood. You already do this, but you could use it more often. Some "showing" I see in this chapter is -
Gabriel swallowed. "I need to see Lilith." ~Nervous and uneasy, uncertain about what he knows he must do.
Gabriel cleared his throat to get her attention. Lilith looked up at him slowly. ~His nervousness and her cold indifference.
Summary:
I made a lot of suggestions, but that does not mean that it was not a great story. It absolutely is a great story. Your writing and your ideas are wonderful, but I think with a little more "showing" you can go to the next level. I look forward to exploring some more recent creations in you port!
Write On!
Ciao,
Pia Veleno
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Good set up for what is to come. We meet Gabriel and see the conflict of his soul. His beliefs are torn between God's law and what he believes is good. There is just enough conflict and interaction to hook me as a reader, and the last line left a puddle of suspense making me read onward to the next chapter.
Well done!
~Pia Veleno
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I saw your story in the Noticing Newbies Newsletter.
Good descriptions. Your opening paragraph make me wonder is the kid darkness or light. Hands that create or destroy, eyes that pierce the dark, yet yearn for light. This could be a happy success story or a dark horror piece. Nice, subtle build of suspense.
Overall this is a great character set-up. You have me interested in the kid. I think he would make an excellent character for a story. I look forward to reading more of your writing.
Write On!
~Pia Veleno
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Great storyline, nice conflict but the passive voice drags this piece to a crawl.
What I like:
The events where well placed. I expected this to be about a kidnapper, or other child-related cause. The child was a good distraction to the underlying story. So I was surprised when it twisted away from her.
What I didn't like:
Passive voice. When at all possible avoid verbs like was, been, have, got. Be active, be aggressive and bold in your choice of words.
Structure/Grammar:
Grammar is good, no apparent errors.
Some tightening of the prose to filter out the inactive/passive spots will make this story leap off of the page.
Comments/Suggestions:
In regards to passive, here are some suggestions to show you what I'm referring to and how moving from passive to active can spice up your prose.
The coffee was percolating and Emily and I were discussing our woebegone status and all of the lovely things Sundays could be filled with, like picnics in the park, long drives or time at the beach.
Be careful with run-on sentences. This is 36 words long. I'm out of breath reading it. Reading out loud sometimes will help you place punctuation.
was, discussing, could be... are all passive or inactive. Though descriptives are necessary despite their passiveness. Now see how it sounds like this...
The smell of coffee filled the sunlight brightened kitchen as Clara squealed with glee from the backyard. Over coffee we lamented our woebegone status dwelling on the excitement our Sundays lacked: Picnics in the park, romantic drives in the country, or a sunny day splashing and swimming at the beach.
The paragraph starting "Anyway, I digress." was especially slow, where, with the fear of a lost or stolen child, it should be full of tension and suspense. See how this changes the feel -
Anyway, I digress. I glanced out the back window as I poured us more coffee. The backyard, devoid of its energetic ten-year old, screamed trouble. Emily remained calm, checking Clara's bedroom and playroom. With no sign of her indoors or out, I pounded on the neighbors door expecting to find her sharing cookies with Mrs. Sloane. By the time I returned, Emily was panicking, pacing frantically through the house, demanding to know the wherabouts of her daughter.
Summary:
Great story idea. Loved the "golfing" twist. Work on that passive voice and your prose will sparkle with suspense and reel in your reader, eager to read more.
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I've been there, I've seen the blackness of sleeplessness.
Overall, a good poem. I never could get the hang of rhyming myself. It always felt forced for me. You did a nice job with the rhyming on this piece. The only one that I question is seek/deep in the 4th stanza.
The poem flowed smoothly, with one exception. In the 3rd stanza, There is always a corner to fight. That was a little awkward. How about something like this... Often backed into a fight Or perhaps... Always looking for a fight
Write On!
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I remember these things you write about... the big hair, the jelly bracelets, the Challenger exploding...
It was well written and presented in a clear, orderly format.
Then the last four paragraphs seemed to be a separate piece. They were darker and lighter... they were much more personal.
That being said, those last paragraphs were good too. I enjoyed them as much as the reminiscing. But, the transition between the world of the 80s and the love and pain of the 80s could be smoother.
I really liked your imagery of grasping the heart and twining the fingers around it before squeezing the life out of it. Very vivid and painful.
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Interesting, but too short and quick. Was it for a flash fiction contest?
I like the concept, but it felt rushed due to the shortness of the piece. I'd like to see this expanded to show more detail of what is happening to him. Perhaps even, what happens after... is there really a vampire collecting bloody emails in some way?
It is well written, with no noticable errors, but it didn't captivate me. Enchant me. Drag me into your story. Make me believe.
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Alisha sounds like a strong person. It will be interesting to see how she copes with her captivity and how quickly she truly understands what is happening to her.
You've set the stage in the previous chapter that she is not expected home for sometime, so I'm already wondering how long it will be before someone misses her.
Adrian. I knew... but that was because of the description on chapter one. But, still... good to see him back so soon. I like that you're getting right to the meat of the story. Some character development and setting the scene in chapter one and then dive right into the conflict. Nice transition.
What I didn't like:
"Don't touch me." She said coldly. She took a step back, releasing herself from his grip. He already slammed her against the wall, so she cannot back up here. Perhaps something like this~ She snapped her head to one side, freeing her chin from his grip. ~~ Then following his reply to that ~ ...he said reaching out to stroke her cheek.
Structure/Grammar/Spelling:
Dialogue tags . Tags should always have a comma, and not be capitalized... "Thank you." She replied. should be "Thank you," she replied. This is a reoccurring problem throughout your dialogue.
First sentence - there luggage "their luggage".
Recommend changing gotten in same sentence. Try "retrieved", or even, "as they waited for their luggage"
thick Scotish accent "Scottish"
Comments/Suggestions:
"Ughh." She moaned as she landed on her hands and knees. Just a suggestion, but I'd remove "Ughh"... She moaned... that says it.
His words sent chills down her spine. It sounds like the cabbie's words do this, but I believe you meant it to be the words of Adrian that follow. Try putting this line in just after Adrian speaks, or add it to the beginning of the paragraph, just before his dialogue, so it is with his words.
I can usually take or leave cursing. But you've used harsh language appropriately and not gratuitously. I'd be cursing too... and spitting and kicking and... well, yeah. Nicely handled.
Summary:
You dove right in and showed us the other side of the charming Adrian. I like his cold, powerful demeanor. And I like that he seemed to enjoy the idea of breaking her in for his "trade". I'm looking forward to the next chapter.
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My three words are Fun, Fun, Fun! I've come back to this game over and over and still have not grown bored of the ever-changing story. I've even added three words here and there myself.
Thanks for the great I/O!
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So, I did say, I wasn't going to review much poetry. But, I've been reading a lot of it lately. I still don't know structure, but I know what sounds and feels good.
I like the flow and the sound of this piece. It had a certain bitter rhythm to it that appeals to me.
The repeating lines were interesting, drawing me in to the purpose of the poem and reinforcing the message.
I have not read this type of poem before. I really like the way the second line adds to and reinforces the first of each stanza. And both together propel us forward to the third line.
It has nice flow and sound.
I found no typos and I stumbled over nothing. Well written!
Not only is it fun to imagine who'd I'd chose, but it is also helpful to the writer within us all to see which characters we admire as readers. What makes an interesting character? What endears them to us?
Tackling a current political issue in a dark fiction story... I like the concept. These first few chapters have my attention.
What I like
The whole prologue - a great intro! Hinting at what's to come without saying much at all - builds suspense and curiosity.
Dialogue between Thomis and Sharyn in chapter one. Good set up for future chapters and it sounded real, like casual conversation between two people sharing a city and a friend, but not really knowing each other.
In chapter 2 - Sharyn's behavior once Thomis finds her on the floor - the disconnected behavior, not really noticing Thomis trailing around behind her, the cowering from Thomis - all wonderful written and very convincing.
Sharyn is obviously deeply scarred by her past. You play it out very well. She is slow to trust and slower to give it to that trust. Very convincing character.
What I didn't like
Tighten up the story itself. There is a lot of mundane behavior that could be removed or condensed. I call this flavor text - the stuff that is used to add to the character or scene but does not propel the story forward. Too much of it can bore the reader, but not enough can make the story sound like a summary or outline.
For example, when Sharyn made grilled chicken sandwiches - it really slowed down the story. This could be condensed with something like this ~~ After showing him to the balcony, Sharyn busied herself with lunch. She grilled some chicken and sliced some vegetables and soon they were enjoying sandwiches on the balcony as the city continued to breath beneath them.
Chapter 2 needs paragraphs. There are several overly long paragraphs. Not enough white space on the page can overwhelm your reader.
Near the end of chapter 2, Sharyn says, I guess I'm a little touchy about my heritage but we don't know her heritage or why she is touchy about it.
Structure/Grammar
Format was difficult to read - Take advantage of Writing ML found under Site Tools. It allows you to add indents to your paragraphs and bold your chapter headings.
In prologue, Prophets are rarely listened to~~Change 'listened to' something like rarely heard or rearrange sentence, People rarely listen to prophets, to avoid ending the sentence with "to".
The asterisks around the text messages in chapter three were distracting. I'm not sure what the proper format is, but I'd suggest capitalization or italics to show the different type of communications.
Flow/Sound/Feel
Mention New York City sooner - put me there, let me recognize the name, the place.
Flow is good except for the "mundanes" mentioned above.
Sound - There are a few areas that slang or conversational words or phrases creep in. For example, popped into her head; he laughed when I told him what the guy who lives sevferal floors down said;She sat way to the other end.
Feel - suspenseful. Something is happening, you've led me along well. I can't imagine what it could be, you've given me enough hints to hold my interest, but not yet let me try to figure it out! I like that!
Summary
Tackling an issue currently occupying so much of our interest from the news to the stock market to the price of filling up our cars... It hits close-to-home and you pull it off in a very real manner.
I'm looking forward to the next set of chapters. I think you have a good plot here. It does need some work to clean it up, but I think it's a great story. I'd be willing to get in more detail with you, if you're interested in a hard core tightening of the story.
What makes this poem even better is that you shared all those comments from others who can relate. I used to jump into bed so my feet were not too close to "under the bed" for very long. I'd also check to make sure the closet was closed all the way. For some reason, monsters couldn't open the door, but if it was open a crack... *shudder*
Good storyline overall. I didn't expect the ending. I always like that.
You could start the story with "She walked past him..." The preceding paragraph doesn't add anything to the story. Rather, it takes away from it. He woke up; he showered; he made breakfast... you nearly lost me with the mundaneness of it.
Ok, I understand, he had a rough morning, but it is still mundane. Jump right into the story. Hook me right away.
I am a vampire traditionalist. I cringed at the thought of a vampire comedy because they are such angstful creatures. I thought it would be silly, but I loved it.
You're dialogue was entertaining and well-written. Your descriptions put me right in the story. I really liked the way you used WritingML to set off the Potion description.
I absolutely loved it. A unique twist to the vampire creation process.
The slow death made me pity the man and yet fear his sickness. The vampire's cold-hearted debate on whether to wake him or not was so, well, vampiric. So was the tender kiss.
First of all, this is a good concept to write about. I studied pure-bred dogs for some time and even owned two energetic beagles. But, you are absolutely correct, pound dogs can be wonderful friends too. You may want to expand on that a little more in your essay.
Starting with a good concept is important, because the best writers can still have nothing to write about. But also the best story can quickly be lost to things you should catch while editing.
Here are a few corrections that will help the flow of your piece -
The first paragraph is all one sentence. Break it up a little. Perhaps introduce what it means to be a pure bred and why "high-dollar" dogs seem so popular.
On a side note, you could add here (or even write a whole paper) on the poor quality of these expensive dogs and of their poor breeding conditions.
Please note the spelling of pure-bred
Be careful how you use parentheses. Try something like this instead -
...my 12 year old Sheltie, Jasmine, a spoiled but still wonderful pure-bred, had gotten out of the...
In the paragraph that starts, so less than an hour... Be wary of unnecessary words and sentences. For example, remove the first two sentences and you not altered the story.
In the last paragraph, I suggest you leave out your theory on Jasmine and try something like this -
Sadly, we never found Jasmine. It will be six years this summer and I am happy to say that Oscar, now almost ten...
I would be happy to review it again if you rewrite. Please feel free to let me know.
First off, this is a unique story. I don't think I've seen a hillbilly POV yet.
A couple of pointers -
I understand that the wording and even the prattle fits the character, but if you carry on too much you lose the readers interest. For example, in the second paragraph, you painted a clear picture of LuLu, but it was too long. Cut some down, maybe add it later if LuLu makes an appearance and break the rest down into managable paragrahs.
Have something happen quicker. While painting the picture and making the reader see and know the characters, if something interesting doesn't happen, we lose interest. Being called to California is interesting for a country bumpkin, but it took a lot of musing from the narrator character to get to that point.
That being said, unique is good. And your main character is definitely unique. He's a believable character and you can make a story out of him if you can clean up the scene clutter a bit.
Feel free to email me if you'd like a review of any updates or edits.
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You switch between two spellings - Gabriel and Gabriele
Be careful with run-on sentences. This is 36 words long. I'm out of breath reading it. Reading out loud sometimes will help you place punctuation.
He already slammed her against the wall, so she cannot back up here. Perhaps something like this~ 
Tackling a current political issue in a dark fiction story... I like the concept. These first few chapters have my attention.
Format was difficult to read - Take advantage of Writing ML found under Site Tools. It allows you to add indents to your paragraphs and bold your chapter headings.
Mention New York City sooner - put me there, let me recognize the name, the place.
Tackling an issue currently occupying so much of our interest from the news to the stock market to the price of filling up our cars... It hits close-to-home and you pull it off in a very real manner.
I'm looking forward to the next set of chapters. I think you have a good plot here. It does need some work to clean it up, but I think it's a great story. I'd be willing to get in more detail with you, if you're interested in a hard core tightening of the story.