My general comment
This site overflows with voices from thousands of authors, and you've always managed to maintain a distinctive voice to separate yours from the others. When we hear your voice through your words, we can always depend that you're saying something extraordinary. So we listen. So we understand. So we applaud.
The Plot
This is a story abour domestic abuse and violence. To me, there is no denying that this is between two adult people, a man and a woman who are perhaps married to each other. I think this because after the violence, after the sexual and verbal abuse, he later apologizes to her. I've seen this happen repeatedly to a best friend.
Characterization
Your characters live and breathe on paper. We hate the perpetrator of this diabolical act, and our hearts go out to the victim. A part of me, however, is angry at the victim for being weak. As I'd said to my friend many times, "Get out of that evil place. Anything is better than this." But perhaps, it easier said than done because many women remains trapped in this abusive relationship.
Technicalities
As usual, this piece is very clean. Poetry not being my forte, I cannot comment on the mechanics of it. I can only tell you that it affected me emotionally, and that's to your credit.
Suggestions
I have no suggestion at this time, except, maybe to change the title. It doesn't seem to fit the poem.
My favorite part
There is a darkness in this room,
one of emptiness, foreboding, of doom.
Silence shivers into sound,
a creak down the hall, rattles all around.
Viewing your photo exhibit has been such a treat. I'm so glad you decided to post these pictures. Your most current photos are lovely.
I adore that one of "Santa Maria." You make a great Santa. You should use this picture for one of your WDC sigs for Christmas. Your photo, Little Sister shows you in your late twenties. (I wish I had that figure when I was in my 20's. You say that your "little sister" was through the Big Brothers/Big Sisters organization, and that you haven't seen her for a long time. How long? I wonder if contacting the agency could guide you in searching for her. I would contact them (if you haven't done it) if I were you.
Now, I see the Corporate Maria in her beautiful executive office. Loved that non-traditional executive suit. It's so mod. Was your office always that neat? Mine wasn't.
Your writeartista- self-portrait is gorgeous. Even though it's only a line drawing, I feel that you've captured your true essence in this rendering. Love the hair. Now, you're wearing what looks like a more traditional executive suit here. Lovely.
The picture of your niece Lilly is precious as it is delightful. I see your face in hers in your youth. It's so funny how you describe her as a "sweet angel with an occasional temper." Aren't they all?
Wow, your skydiving pictures are great. Why did you cut out your (ex?) boyfriend's picture? But thanks for showing his long arm. He must be very tall. That's a fantastic tandem jump picture. Someone paid a lot of money to have this picture taken from 13,500 feet. (Yes, I've read your "Skydive! Look Ma, I'm Flying" short story.) And look at you, devoid of any fear freefalling in the stratosphere. The photo of you waiting to manifest, really looks like it's been scanned from a newspaper article. However, you didn't say why your picture was in the paper, and what they said in the article.
Lastly, your Introducing G.W. Bush is a great picture. Did that really happen? You're so courageous to post this picture as your manifestation of support for GWB. As far as I know, most writers are from the liberal side of the political arena.
Well, I'm sorry to see this photo exhibit end. MORE, PLEASE!
Have a great day, Maria.
Pearl
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
** Images For Use By Upgraded+ Only **
Beautifully written, but ambiguous in its expression. This is unlike anything else of yours I've read where I never had to think too much at what you're saying. Your prose has always been crystal clear, always deserving of a perfect 5.0 from me. Till now. I've read this twice; still, I don't get it. I'm sure it's my fault. I have to read the referenced Part 4 so I can better understand this poem. I'm sure I will.
I can only imagine how it must feel like to watch your granchildren play each other and be a witness to their individual characteristics, temperament, miscievousness and idiosyncracies. Your descriptions and honesty in expression gave me a very good idea. It must be fun for you to rush to your computer after babysitting to replay everything you've seen in your head, and transfer those images onto words. The result: this beautiful story.
You have a very beautiful and talented family. Thanks for sharing your life with us.
I've been reading the public review page and saw all the comments on your artworks. Artworks? What artworks, I asked myself, ignorant of your new postings. What a treat! And an Awardicon already on this folder after only a couple of days of its creation? Obviously, you have impressed some people tremendously, and rightly so.
I'm delighted that you've finally decided to share your other talents to us. What stunning images.
I like the title page. Did you design and create the artwork?
OK, I visited your port hoping for information about you. I gather that "Hedoren" is a pen name. You speak about the grammar in your novel as based heavily on Japanese, but "Eraknian" doesn't sound Japanese to me. To further confuse me, the name "Shri" (although I loved the name) sounds more Indian than Japanese.
I am interested, and will surely read more of your novel to clear up my confusions.
Oh, so entertaining and humorous. I wonder what life would be like for you without Fred? And why Fred? I once had a puppy I named after my last name. I also created a diary of his activities (and destructions around the house), which I've kept for more than ten years so far (eight years more than I had him). Your diary about Fred has inspired me to give the story about my dog another breath.
I just posted my first message here. All this time, I never thought I had much to say to everyone in the forum. I'm glad I finally took the initiative to enter the lounge and interact. This is such a terrific place to unwind with colleagues. I hope to come back often.
I would like to know who the heck those members are (the 7% who said they would say "Who the hell are you?" upon meeting Jesus Christ for the first time.) I am glad that majority of those who responded to your poll said the same thing I did.
Your portfolio looks very impressive and I will add it to my favorites listing. I will definitely revisit with you some other time.
I found this piece quite an enjoyable read. I think many of us have experienced something similar that will forever be embedded in our memories.
One minor suggestion: Delete the comma after the word late in this sentence: Parking spaces are limited, and my being late, forced me to park in the back forty.
I noticed that you haven't added anything to this novel since Chapter Nineteen. I canmot criticize you because I am well aware of your very busy and hectic corporate life. You're here, there, and everywhere.
I was also surprised to find out that there were a few chapters to your novel that I haven't read. Geeez, how could this happen? I check your port frequently for any new entry.
I like this little preamble. If you intended people to review it, you might as well make it longer, in my humble opinion.
Still . . . well done. I look forward to reading those missed chapters and get back to you asap.
Take care, and write on!
My warmest regards,
Pearl
(Orient Pearl)
Proud member, THE WDC ANGEL ARMY
You are a masterful storyteller who knows how to bring back life within a faded photograph, and share with your readers the man behind the man in the cloisonné frame.
A great portrayal of the human soul written with grace and intelligence. The man without a name is an unforgettable character. Well done.
You are a masterful storyteller who knows how to bring back life within a faded photograph, and share with your readers the man behind the man in the cloisonné frame.
A great portrayal of the human soul written with grace and intelligence. The man without a name is an unforgettable character. Well done.
Thank you for sharing this with us. The moral lessons you illustrated are so true; we should all be reminded of them through our lives.
Details are always very important in a story. If I may offer any suggestion, I would like to see some details on the drugs (or poison ) used for the chemo cocktail, and how many sessions you're supposed to undergo for the treatment.
I look forward to reading more of your experiences with breast cancer.
Indeed, most women with breast cancer find hair loss to be the most traumatic side effect of chemotherapy. Your friend said you "looked like a boiled egg." My sister said I "looked like a Tibetan Monk." I couldn't look at myself in the mirror the whole time she was shaving my head, but I laughed so hard with her comment. She started laughing, too. Soon we were both crying and laughing at the same time.
Thanks for sharing this piece with us. I felt your every word. If I could offer any suggestion, it would be to make this a little longer. For it to be a stand alone piece, you might want to add some explanation for the hair loss and the reappearance of hair growth. Those who are fmiliar with your work, including me, of course, are aware of the background for this piece. However, I would, if I were writing this, try to make it more of a complete piece for a more powerful effect.
I look forward to reading more of your experiences with breast cancer.
Thank you for sharing this with us. Pretty soon I will also be sharing the same joy: It's all over! The surgery, the chemotherapy, the radiation . . . they're all finished! And I feel just fine! I can't wait for that day. Will I be crying like you did, I wonder.
I look forward to reading more of your experiences with breast cancer.
First of all, I extend to you my welcome mat into the WDC Angel Army. I hope you're enjoying yourself as I do. There are a lot of wonderful Army volunteers here who are ever ready to offer you a helping hand, so don't hesitate to ask.
This story is heart-wrenching; something I can truly relate to, as you very well know. As I continue to read your items from your port, I am becoming more and more learned about your journeys with breast cancer. As a result, I am also getting to know you much better.
If there is any suggestion I can offer, it would be to make this story a little longer. Somehow it just reads rushed.
I look forward to reading more of your experiences with breast cancer.
Dear Writeartista,
A review by pnalayab
A proud member of theWDC Angel Army{/size)
"The House My Father Built" is a chapter that was long in coming, but oh, so worth the wait. The emotional impact of seeing the house heavily destroyed by the volcano eruption was powerful. You made me feel what Mary felt from the time she saw the house. I feel the walls of my heart quake as we stand in front of the old house—the house our father built—the house that had stayed in the family for almost four decades. "The walls of my heart quake," is an excellent phrase to describe Mary's emotion. Great word usage.
This is a remarkable paragraph:The house, or what is left of it, sobers me for a long moment. I stand motionless, staring silently at the structure that was once my world, where many dreams were woven and made me into what I am now. All that has remained is a shell of a house with a few useless remnants of the past.
Almost every paragraph in this chapter is notable in their construction, but I should stop copying them here lest I get criticized for it.
The story about the 9-drawer chest that Mary's father built for the children, is a pivotal part of this chapter. I saw the visual as Mary forced to open her own drawer, which had been locked for many years. What she discovered revealed a lot about her mother's immense pride of Mary's talents in art and writing--something Mary never knew.
Dear Writeartista,
A review by pnalayab
A proud member of the
CHAPTER FIFTEEN{/size)
"The House My Father Built" is a chapter that was long in coming, but oh, so worth the wait. The emotional impact of seeing the house heavily destroyed by the volcano eruption was powerful. You made me feel what Mary felt from the time she saw the house. I feel the walls of my heart quake as we stand in front of the old house—the house our father built—the house that had stayed in the family for almost four decades. "The walls of my heart quake," is an excellent phrase to describe Mary's emotion. Great word usage.
This is a remarkable paragraph:The house, or what is left of it, sobers me for a long moment. I stand motionless, staring silently at the structure that was once my world, where many dreams were woven and made me into what I am now. All that has remained is a shell of a house with a few useless remnants of the past.
Almost every paragraph in this chapter is notable in their construction, but I should stop copying them here lest I get criticized for it.
The story about the 9-drawer chest that Mary's father built for the children, is a pivotal part of this chapter. I saw the visual as Mary forced to open her own drawer, which had been locked for many years. What she discovered revealed a lot about her mother's immense pride of Mary's talents in art and writing--something Mary never knew.
I don't know how to review this piece. It looks like an actual letter written by Alonso Pérez de Guzmán. I Googled him to get any idea of who he is, but what I've read didn't aid me at all. If it's a fictional letter, it didn't engage me enough.
What I liked is the armada leader's motivation for battling the English, but during that period wars still took place, misguidedly, in the name of Jesus Christ.
Another terrific short story from you. I liked this a lot. I could hear the tone and voice of the protagonist loud and clear. The plot is a complete one well-engineered.
The pace is quick and flowed nicely. The only thing that slowed down my reading was when I got to the part: Maybe she likes to watch. Up until that point, I thought he was with a man.
One misspelled word: vaccuum, which should be: vacuum.
Another very good piece from you: creatively and technically. I fell in love with Jeremy; and if I were to adopt a boy, he'd be the one. Unfortunately, I was dissatisfied with your ending. I wanted to know if Mariana chose Jeremy.
I enjoyed this very much. I love mommies telling their children bedtime stories. I was held captive by this story from beginning to end, as if part of the listening audience. You did a great job with this piece in every way: creatively and technically.
One one minor oversight: Mortified at being called a girl, Timothy bent over grabbed the can and replied in a quiet voice, (You need a comma after over, and maybe even after can.)
My favorite: Entering the forest, the darkness crept upon him like roaches in an all-night diner.
This is the first time I've raided your port; therefore, this is the first item I've ever read that you've written. This story placed 4th in a contest. As far as the mechanics are concerned, I didn't spot any error in grammar, spelling or punctuation. (But I was distracted by the texts in color. I would have preferred a simple italicized text to emphasize parts of a sentence.) Syntactically, it's near perfect; artistically, however, it left me shrugging my shoulders at the end. I was wondering why a writer would even provide any information in his/her story and not satisfy the reader with an explanation for it. I wanted to know what the "inside joke" was; I guess I'll never know.
I look forward to reading more from your port.
Write on.
pnalayab
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You say that your "little sister" was through the Big Brothers/Big Sisters organization, and that you haven't seen her for a long time. How long? I wonder if contacting the agency could guide you in searching for her. I would contact them (if you haven't done it) if I were you.
