A Review by PNALAYAB
A proud member of the WDC ANGEL ARMY
and the WDC RISING STARS
Dear Dan Sturn:
To quote (what's his name?) "Much ado about nothin'!"
Gosh, I've never heard anything as ridiculous; well, maybe I have, but it's not important, like this is not important at all. Everybody's making a big to do about something so ridiculous. They all work for headaches. I don't necessarily get headaches, but my sister does, and she takes whatever is in the medicine cabinet, with absolutely no preference as far as the brand is concerned. She buys what she can with a coupon--and that's the only contributing factor in the decision for a coupon collector. When I had the breast cancer surgery, the doctor prescribed vicodin. I took tylenol instead. It worked just fine for me. Maybe a regular aspirin would have worked as well.
You're a good editorial writer. I enjoyed this very much. I am an ardent listener of Limbaugh and Hannity; it's nice to read something here once in a while that mentions these two talk radio and TV conservative hosts.
An enjoyable read. I will revisit your port one of these days to see what you have stored in there for my reading pleasure.
A Review by PNALAYAB
A proud member of the WDC ANGEL ARMY
and the WDC RISING STARS
Dear Judity,
I can always count on you to fill my precious literary moments with a good read. I never have to worry about catching any mistakes. I just sit back and relax, and enjoy the pleasure of your company through your writings. Thank you for the generous GPs you give.
I think I know you more than I do any other member of the community. You openly share a big part of yourself, exposing your innermost feelings and private experiences. I know you put limitations on how much you want to share, still, it's a lot more than what I'm used to here.
I'd never heard of "atypical meningioma" until now,. Brain surgery? Wow, so drastic. I'm glad you recovered well from it.
You and I come from huge families, so I understand very well where you're coming from with respect to people coming unannounced sometimes. Fortunately for me, my many nieces and nephews, especially those who grew up in the Philippines, are the most polite people, and would never call anyone "turtle head" for having a bare head due to surgery.
I am impressed with your online friends. They helped save your life.
Thank you for sharing your freedom story. I look forward to reading more of your work soon.
A Review by PNALAYAB
A proud member of the WDC ANGEL ARMY
and the WDC RISING STARS
Dear Judity,
Very well expressed. Your voice is sincere and your words honest and heartfelt. Thank you for sharing your thoughts. My question is, would NPR allow such a positive and inspiring essay to be read on their station? NPR is a very liberal network, and in my opinion prefer the more negative news and messages. Ah, I'm sure I'm wrong. I haven't listened to this station in a long while.
At any rate, I believe in the things you've said, and I'm not saying this to ingratiate myself because of the offering of auto-reward GPs.
As always, no mistakes noted, and I don't have any suggestions for improvement.
A Review by PNALAYAB
A proud member of the WDC ANGEL ARMY
and the WDC RISING STARS
What a seasoned writer you are, Mara; it was totally my pleasure to read this story, and I am not surprised at all that it won first place in "Short Shots: Official WDC Contest" . It’s splendidly written, with excellent narrative and images that transported me to the scenes. Well done.
I have just one correction to point out, as follows:
seemingly no more sure of how to say goodbye then he was. If I’m reading this correctly, I think ‘then’ should be read ‘than’.
It also seemed a little too quick for me to see the mood and attitude change so drastically in the car. A tragic event just took place so all the merriment in my opinion could be toned down a bit. (Just my opinion.)
A Review by PNALAYAB
A proud member of the WDC ANGEL ARMY
and the WDC RISING STARS
Dear Michaelangelo,
It's my pleasure to read and review this lovely poem of yours written for the love of your life.
What an image: a tryst in the lawn early in the morning till the couple gathers moss around them. Wow. Only you can project such a sensual portrait of two people in love.
But is it just a dream? I can't really decide. Maybe you can email me and encrypt it for me. I'm not very good at interpreting cryptic messages in a poem.
My favorite line:
We stroll like apparitions in a forgotten meadow
Lost in a cove where the coral moon reigns
(I don't know what it means, but it sounds so beautiful. LOL)
A Review by PNALAYAB
A proud member of the WDC ANGEL ARMY
and the WDC RISING STARS
Dear Kathie (Redtowrite),
I am pleased to give you this R&R for this short fiction.
How tragic! Glad it's not based on real life; although there have been similar cases. I'm just curioius... has any one been sentenced to life from a DUI conviction that claimed lives? My understanding is no, but I could be wrong.
Loved the twist in the end. It's perfect.
I have the following technical suggestions/corrections:
combination for great sking.. ((delete one of the periods))
breath taking ((one word)
"Mom, you are such a dork". ((period after the parenthesis))
She had no idea to who. ((change 'to who' to 'to whom))
where most of the bones were broken and the ((change 'the' to 'there')) were pins, plates
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this story. You write well.
My favorite line: When the sun filtered through the trees it was like an opening to Heaven, a celestial mirror shining on the water.
A Review by PNALAYAB
A proud member of the WDC ANGEL ARMY
and the WDC RISING STARS
Dear Sherri,
I am pleased to give you this R&R for this short fiction.
How tragic! Glad it's not based on real life; although there have been similar cases. I'm just curioius... has any one been sentenced to life from a DUI conviction that claimed lives? My understanding is no, but I could be wrong.
Loved the twist in the end. It's perfect.
I have the following technical suggestions/corrections:
combination for great sking.. ((delete one of the periods))
breath taking ((one word)
"Mom, you are such a dork". ((period after the parenthesis))
She had no idea to who. ((change 'to who' to 'to whom))
where most of the bones were broken and the ((change 'the' to 'there')) were pins, plates
I thoroughly enjoyed reading this story. You write well.
My favorite line: When the sun filtered through the trees it was like an opening to Heaven, a celestial mirror shining on the water.
A Review by PNALAYAB
A proud member of the WDC ANGEL ARMY
and the WDC RISING STARS
Dear Michaelangelo,
"If Only" is another sensual expression of love and romance dedicated to the woman you love. In this poem there's a suggestion of exquisite longing for her as though to touch her is to touch sunrise. A beautiful poem as always.
My favorite line:
A phantom memory of our first kiss
A thought we share of lasting bliss
A Review by PNALAYAB
A proud member of the WDC ANGEL ARMY
and the WDC RISING STARS
Dear Judy,
There are many things around here that are certain; for instance, the "satisfaction guaranteed" result upon reading one of your stories, no matter the genre; this one carries the same warranty.
This story is a lighthearted tale of aliens' close encounter of the 5th kind. Unfortunately for the visitors, their mission was foiled by a boy, and they were... oh, poor things.
Thanks for always putting a smile on this face with your wit and humor, Judy. I look foward to reading more of your work soon.
This poem in three parts is overflowing with sensuality. Geez... maybe a little bit much for this reviewer's consumption, but whoever is the recipient of such avalanche of affection and passion, I envy her.
I have no suggestions for improvement (since I am not a poet). Thank you for sharing this poem. I look forward to reading more of your work.
Indeed, Mr. Herman, the wedgy plucker, should have been commended instead of sentenced to six months in jail for "heinous crimes against the heinie." I know I would have, if I had the wedgy myself.
My favorite part: "During the hearing, the accused described his compulsion as "a feral attraction." He said a wedgy was like a trapped animal that he had to set free. Judge Fairashell said he could not condone animal behavior."
This is humorous without being over-the-top/LOL sort of way.
It started out slow, but gradually picked up and tipped the scale.
I was entertained. Thank you for sharing.
I can understand how one who's been a "hermitess" as you call it, can succumb to the siren call of online e-lationship. You've done a very good job in describing your (?) experience in this virtual reality.
One of my favorite parts: "Oh, wait . . . did I say dancing? It's really more like head-bobbing and knee bouncing. You get the picture, right? Imagine Elaine gyrating on Seinfeld . . . NOW you got it."
I am impressed. You write well. Your brief description below the title did not provide me enough information as to the subject matter other than it's about history. I was pleasantly surprised when I began to realize the serious subject matter--one of my favorites). I think it's very well done. I have no suggestions for improvement.
I've read about the various concentration camps, but Treblinka escaped my memory. So I Googled it and found thatTreblinka II was a Nazi German extermination camp in occupied Poland during World War II. Around 850,000 people - more than 99.5 percent of whom were Jews, were killed there between July 1942 and October 1943. How can some people entertain the notion that it was all conspiracy, that the holocaust never existed?
Knock, knock. This is your newest arrival signing your Guestbook.
Hi Shannon,
How was the weekend vacation at the lake?
I am pleased to have won the bid for your donated package during the Heart to Heart Auction. I look forward to reaping the benefits.
I've explored your port, and I have a feeling that I am going to have quite an experience at it when I start with my RR&Rs. -- beginning in a few moments as soon as I make my selection. Looking forward to it.
I live in Colorado (soon to be California, if all goes well), and I drive through mountains often. Your poem captures my sentiment when I'm on the road, always distracted by all the beauty that surrounds me. Nature is grand, indeed. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and feelings about your love for it.
Just one itty-bitty correction: "Shiny moisture, cod." (COLD)
I was lost, and now I'm found. My mission during this month is to service this forum's members through thoughtful RR&Rs. I will start with you since you are the first on the list. I hope to be able to provide this service to every one on this long list before this star inevitably fades again because of real life humanitarian missions.
It is clear that you are an experienced writer; maybe even a published author, based on the way you have crafted this very short piece--a prologue to a longer piece. The genre indicated is "occult" and you certainly have shrouded this introduction in a cloak of the mystical. I look forward to reading your first chapter
("A Lone Man Walks a Dark Road”?) as soon as it is posted.,
With the exception of the following phrase, I did not notice any error on grammar, spelling or punctuations. Your language is excellent.
The stranger said with a (an) eerie tone that--
One of my favorite parts: Unnaturally malignant forces wretched from the black belly of sulfurous chaos herself. Beings ancient before the creation of our world that enviously watched as men rose from the mud of the living earth."
A Review by PNALAYAB
A proud member of the WDC ANGEL ARMY
and the WDC RISING STARS
Dear S. L. Britton,
When you cut and paste texts from MS Word, the double spacing between paragraphs disappears and you are left with a manuscript that screams for more white space, which is not as pleasing to the eye. Therefore, I find that I need to edit my WDC file to add a space manually between paragraphs . . .even better when each paragraph is indented.
Other than the aforesaid, I find this Prologue quite a fascinating read. The world cannot have enough vampire and VanHelsing stories, of course.
You have some memorable descriptions, like this one: The smell alone was enough to announce the undead. It was not unpleasant. It was dark, musty, and different. Part warm earth and burned ozone after a lightening strike. The essence surrounded him like a lover who had overstayed their welcome. This was certainly his lair. Then you have a couple sentences that broke the flow for me, not quite understanding what they mean exactly, like this one: This demon spawn was like so much mist in the air.
So far, this is a very nice start. I'm curious as to where this is going. Is it going to be as predictable as most other vampire stories? We'll see. Good luck.
A Review by PNALAYAB
A proud member of the WDC ANGEL ARMY
and the WDC RISING STARS
Dear Gemini Star,
This is a very good personal story, and having sisters myself, it engaged my interest from beginning to end. It made me feel blessed that I’ve always had a wonderful and close-knit relationship with my sisters. My parents raised us very well.
The only thing missing here, in my opinion, is what happened that changed your relationship with your sisters. I’m glad that you’re getting along great with them now; I just wanted to know if there was some kind of an epiphany that changed things for the better.
I’ve gotten to know you better through this article. I’m glad you left home and established yourself as a writer from whom many of us here can learn.
The following are very minor technical suggestions, only if you plan on editing it; otherwise, it’s quite fine as is.
You kind of get pushed to the bottom of the food chain when you have younger siblings, (replace comma with a semi-colon, or add ‘and’ after the comma) you sort of become invisible to everyone in the family. I was never jealous of my sisters, (replace comma with a semi-colon) I just hated them for the longest time.
And my so-called mother, (no comma) punished me
My relationship with my sisters' (sisters) improved after
A Review by PNALAYAB
A proud member of the WDC ANGEL ARMY
and the WDC RISING STARS
Hi there,
First of all, thank you again for all the nice comments you've made about my work. As promised, here I am, reciprocating to your generous gestures.
Indeed, you can never give up on love. Most people would have their romantic heart broken many times, and as you said, love will find a way to hit you again. You'll never know when it does, and when it happens, oh what delight.
A beautiful and inspiring poem. No single mistake noted. Thank you for sharing.
A Review by PNALAYAB
A proud member of the WDC ANGEL ARMY
and the WDC RISING STARS
Hi Boyd,
Welcome to WDC.
You didn't waste any time at all. You wrote and posted your first item in your portfolio, and what a item it is -- natural history and family history blended in one engaging and emotional ballad/poem. I congratulate you on a job well done. I hope this is just the start of a prolific portfolio.
You didn't say if this is biographical or not. I will review it as though it were, and that you are the young boy at the start of the poem, and the man 28 years later standing on the mountain with the family to spread the ashes of your Dad who died during the eruption.
Title: Ashes to Ashes is a perfect title for this poem. The ashes of Mt. St. Helens merging with the ashes of your Dad.
Plot:: On May 18, 1980, on the day of your Dad's birthday, Mt. St. Helens erupted. It occurred at 9:30 in the morning while your Mom and you and your siblings were inside the church. Your Dad was coming home from work 90 miles away (I suspect he worked the night shift and would come home during the day. That's a long distance drive.) Unfortunately, he never made it home; he died of a heart attack. Twenty eight years later, you and your family would go to St. Helens and spread your Dad's ashes all over the Spirit Lake. (Why did you wait that long?)
Grammar, Spelling and punctuation: I did not see any mistake.
Rhyme and Rhythm: I'm not a poet, but everything flowed nicely for me. Nothing seemed force.
Suggestions: I have no suggestions at this time.
Final comment: I look forward to reading more of your work.
You are loved by many people in this writing community for you are one of the best reasons why WDC has been so successful. I am granting someone's wish to send you a cNote, and/or a review. I am doing both.
I have really gotten to know you well through this essay. Notwithstanding the adversities you have experienced in life, you remain very positive and optimistic; and your Christian faith is inspiring, even through it all.
I lost my mom last year, six months after I was diagnosed with breast cancer. Like you, I had to have chemotherapy. You will be fine; I assure you. Please do not hesitate to contact me if you need a friend to talk to--especially someone who's been there and understand what you are going through.
After you have suffered for a little while,
the God of all grace, who has called you to his eternal glory in Christ,
will himself restore, support, strengthen, and establish you. -- 1 Peter 5:10 (NRSV)
A Review by PNALAYAB
A proud member of the WDC ANGEL ARMY
and the WDC RISING STARS
Dear author,
This is too short for an in-depth review, but thanks for the opportunity to give you the following suggestions/comments: First, let me say that I am a lover of Native-American culture, customs and traditions. I believe that so much injustice had been done to them. The following comments are not meant to dispute your statements; they’re offered merely for the sake of expression in the form of a friendly argument.
Thus spake Christopher Columbus. Change spake to spoke.
We are peace-loving, There was much warring and massacres between tribes.
And, remorselessly, set to destroy what he had discovered, forever. Is America totally destroyed? I just wonder where America would be now if it had not been for Columbus?
Thanks for sharing your thoughts and opinions to us.
A Review by PNALAYAB
A proud member of the WDC ANGEL ARMY
and the WDC RISING STARS
Dear author,
This is a very well-written story, which engaged my interest from beginning to end.
A man, obviously a teacher, expressed to a woman that “he’s got a crush on her.” Yes, it’s lame, but could have been an endearing one if only he’d shown an amount of serious intention. He didn’t, and I wonder why.
Is the protagonist a student of his? This is not clear to me. In the beginning you show me this: “As he began speaking to the class, I slipped up the aisle to a front row seat. I couldn't meet his eyes, but couldn't look away.” This makes me think she’s his student. But then again later on, you say: “I shut out the entire office--phones, clients, co-workers, everything--and settled in to read the words I longed to hear.” This makes me think she’s an administrative worker.
The ending seems unfinished to me. What happened? Is that all there is to the manifestation of crush?
A Review by PNALAYAB
A proud member of the WDC ANGEL ARMY
and the WDC RISING STARS
Dear author,
This is great writing and inspirational. You project just the right philosophy about rearing children, and I applaud you for that.
I don’t have children, and I won’t have any for a while for a few reasons, but mainly because of medical reasons caused by my breast cancer treatment. Chemotherapy causes women to pre-menopause because it kills the production of estrogen that feeds breast cancer. It takes five years for a hormone therapy treatment (a daily pill called Tamoxifen); after that, a relatively young breast cancer survivor might still get pregnant. In my case, although I would have given anything to have a baby before breast cancer, my priorities in life have changed, meaning I don’t see motherhood anymore as part of my life agenda. I am always surrounded by nieces and nephews as well as friends’ children, and for that, I get my satisfaction of “having children.” In some ways, I feel lucky not to be burdened by parental worries or drugs, unwed pregnancies, and of some criminal acts.
Great job. Write on.
P.S. I hope you’re well. Your many friends are praying for you.
I look foward to reading more of your work soon.
A Review by PNALAYAB
A proud member of the WDC ANGEL ARMY
and the WDC RISING STARS
Dear Leighoire,
I'm back, fulfilling my promise to reciprocate to your generous gestures toward my work..
I thought this was well written. It's suspenseful, and it kept my undivided interest throughout.
I have a few suggestions/comments, as follows:
“Damn it!” I hissed, watching the back end of the train I should have been on leave the station." I've read this several times; still, I don't understand it from the way it's constructed.
Fear, spiraled uncontrollably through my bones, weak and watery-legged, my reactions were sluggish. I don't think you need the comma after 'Fear.' Also, the rest sounded stiff to me.
“I’ll just have to sit and wait” I thought. Insert comma after 'wait.'
“What did I honestly think those two freaks were going to do to me?”. Delete the comma after the end quotation mark.
I wondered,
"Was this paranoia?". No paragraph after 'wondered,' and delete the period after the end quotation mark.
Like a camera’s flash leaves a burnt mark on your retinas, I could not forget those eyes. I like this image.
I'm confused about the ending. Who are the three murdered women?
Is the protagonist already dead?
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