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Printed from https://www.writing.com/main/profile/reviews/purplesky
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34 Public Reviews Given
36 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
My "normal" reviews tend to be overviews; I try to stay away from picking at specifics in unsolicited reviews. However, if a review is requested here, I will give you at least a paragraph on my general views on the piece (could be more and definitely will be for some items) as well as a more specific list of what I find to be problematic sections, phrases, or even individual words. It really depends on the length of the piece and what stage it's at: first drafts will get more general reviews, later drafts will get more specific, nit-picky reviews.
I'm good at...
Going all-out and doing in-depth reviews. I don't think I'm mean about it, but I won't refrain from telling you what I perceive to be the negative aspects of your piece. Likewise, I will praise what I think you've done well. But any review I send tends to contain more things that need improvement than praise on what you did right because I think the purpose of reviews is to identify problem areas and figure out how to fix them.
Favorite Genres
I enjoy sci-fi/fantasy, action/adventure, and drama the most.
Least Favorite Genres
Straight romance, as well as westerns. They are not completely out of the question, but I am less likely to want to read them, which will make it harder for me to review well and may take longer.
Favorite Item Types
Short stories (1K-10K-ish words). I also enjoy novels, but there are logistical problems with them more more often than with short stories, due to their length. Micro-fiction (less than 1K words) is also OK.
Least Favorite Item Types
Non-fiction. I will still review them, but if I'm not familiar with the topic, I may not be able to help with much more than grammar/spelling/readability. Also, poetry.
I will not review...
Pieces that have an abundance of sexually explicit content. I can handle a mild scene or two, but no erotica.
Public Reviews
1
1
Review by Forty-One
Rated: 13+ | (2.5)
I really like how descriptive you are with the characters - lines like "Behind her mother’s shadow stood her father; a gentle man, bent by age and the domineering will of his wife" which are very concise but paint a vivid picture of more than one character at once are just excellent in my opinion. The way you phrased some things is probably my favorite part of this piece.

I was confused, however, by the ending. Was this neighbor supposed to be a romantic interest or just someone who could help her through a tough time? How exactly was she rewriting her destiny? I don't think that was clear, and since the prompt focused on fate, I think making that clearer is essential to the success of this piece. I think your writing style has potential, but the content needs to be clearer, if that makes sense.

If you have any questions or change anything and want me to re-review, just let me know. Hope this helps and have a good one!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
2
2
Review by Forty-One
Rated: E | (2.0)
I can tell this is a subject that you feel passionately about, and that is great. It really comes through in your writing. That being said, I think there is definite room for improvement in this piece. The thing that jumped out at me was that the tone was very accusatory; especially in the first few paragraphs, the tone indicated more that you were angry at people than that you were actually trying to make them understand why hating others based off of certain labels is a bad thing. In the same paragraph that you denounced the people who ignore others who don't belong to a certain religion/political philosophy/etc., you make sweeping judgmental statements like, "as people, [we cannot] have a constructive conversation about ideas, without someone blindly refusing any sort of idea based on politics or religion". Statements like that actually exemplify the very thing you are arguing against.

I think the basic premise of this piece is a good and true one - that people shouldn't ignore or discredit each other without actually listening to each other first and considering the point of view being presented to them. But I think the execution could use some improvement to ensure that the message is actually received by the reader. I know that I was very put off by what I interpreted as a somewhat hostile tone. I would also suggest going through this once again, or having someone else go through it, looking specifically for grammar issues. There were several misplaced commas and other minor grammatical errors that made it more difficult to read in some cases or just made it sound less professional in others.

If you have any questions or want me to re-review if you make any changes, just let me know. Hope this helps and have a good one!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
3
3
Review by Forty-One
Rated: E | (3.5)
I liked how real this felt - the narrator's thoughts of the things they feel they should have fixed or done better, like the socks and the oxygen tubes, and the arguing family members who literally will only see each other because their father died. Adding in those details is what really helps make this piece memorable.

There are a few things that I think could use some work. First, the tense changed at least once from past to present and back again: "I felt guilty for not doing enough for him. But what’s the point? It’s over now. The nurse who attended Papa that morning walked in." In the first sentence, "felt" is past tense, but then "what's" (or "what is") and "it's" (or "it is") are both present tense, and then "attended" is back to the past tense. I would suggest doing a read-through, looking specifically for agreement of tense. This is the only one that popped out at me, but of course you're the one who will be able to tell the best if the tense is really what you meant it to be, while still being consistent.

I also thought that in general it was a bit sparse on the details. Like I said, there are some details which really give this piece that personal touch, but I think it's lacking in some sensory details. What does the family look like? Can you tell just from looking at them what emotions they're feeling? What does the hospital smell like? Those kinds of things.

One last minor thing: I think this should be rated ASR instead of E because at one point the narrator actually describes, however briefly, her father's dead body.

If you do decide to make any changes and want me to re-review, just let me know. Hope this helps and have a good one!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
4
4
Review of Gift for Natalie  
Review by Forty-One
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
WOW. I really enjoyed this story. It was deeply disturbing and unfortunately all too real for some people. My one suggestion might be to make the revelation that he is delusional more gradual. At the beginning I assumed (as the reader is supposed to) that everything was normal and that he was just a really romantic-minded guy. The realization that the situation was completely the opposite really smacked me in the face when he thought about the duct tape and rope he had in his car, and I would have liked for it to be revealed more slowly, maybe by dropping hints here and there. I actually really liked the line immediately before that one, about dragging her kicking and screaming, because honestly at first I thought that was just his nerves talking (I forgot for a moment that they had supposedly been together for 10 years). I think more lines like that - that could be interpreted two different ways - would be the best way to go about revealing it slowly. I think that milking the suspense that way would make this an even greater read because there is more uncertainty in the whole thing, if that makes sense. As I was reading and got to that point, where I suddenly realized he was delusional - well, the only thing I was really wondering after that was whether he would get caught or whether she would die.

Aside from that, I think you have a refreshingly well-polished writing style, and I don't remember seeing a single grammar/spelling mistake (though admittedly I wasn't looking for them). If you decide to change anything and want me to re-review, just let me know. Hope this helps and have a good one!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
5
5
Review of What's Behind Me?  
Review by Forty-One
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Amusing and overall well-written piece. I was a little confused in the beginning because I didn't realize it was going to be humor - I thought it was going to be straight horror. That could have been cleared up, of course, if I had paid better attention to the genres, but on the other hand I think it wasn't immediately clear in the tone what it was supposed to be. It didn't seem like straight horror, but I didn't realize it was supposed to be humor/satire until the werewolf said, "Why would you think I’d want to eat you?" My biggest suggestion would be to try to make it clearer in the first few paragraphs that it's going to be humor.

Also, there are some spots where I think the descriptions of actions and what's going on were a little too sparse. I know it's not supposed to be a realistic horror story, but a lot of things seemed to happen rather suddenly and the action seemed to jump at times. In other words, I didn't always "see" the scene in my mind as vividly as I would have wanted to.

If you decide to change anything and want me to re-review, feel free to let me know. Hope this helps and have a good one!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
6
6
Review by Forty-One
Rated: E | (3.5)
I like the realistic theme of this story (a broken mother-daughter relationship) and it seemed very true-to-life when the narrator thought to herself that a single outing wasn't going to magically fix years of dysfunction. However, that was also the reason I was confused when she seemed to suddenly be at peace with and trust her mother at the end of the story. Maybe I'm misinterpreting the last line?

I know this was a contest entry and only supposed to be 200 words, but if you were at all thinking about editing this, my main suggestion would be to make that last line a little clearer. If she has forgiven her mother, how did she come to that emotionally? And if she hasn't forgiven her mother, then what was that line meant to be? Also, the last sentence has two commas, and the second one should be something other than a comma - probably a semicolon or a colon would work best, if you don't want to change the wording at all.

If you change anything and want me to re-review, just let me know. Hope this helps and have a good one!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
7
7
Review of I'll Do Better  
Review by Forty-One
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
All I can say is WOW. Minor formatting issue - looks like a section was copy-pasted twice. Other than that, excellent story with compelling characters. Keep up the great work and have a good one!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
8
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Review by Forty-One
Rated: E | (3.0)
I like the idea here, but I really wanted to read more. I feel like this is too short to say very much about unfortunately. There's not enough time to really flesh out even the main character; nor is there anything but the bare bones on the setting. I would like very much to see this expanded into a much longer story, since I believe the idea itself is a good and interesting one.

If you're not sure where to start, I would start exactly with the things I mentioned above: fleshing out the main character and the setting. If you write with the intention of doing those two things, I think you'll start coming up with things that surprise even yourself. If you do make changes and want me to re-review, just let me know. Hope this helps!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
9
9
Review of The Split Fare  
Review by Forty-One
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
Interesting story. I am surprised you didn't classify it under the "Religious" genre as well, since there is a strong religious message at the end of the story, and I would suggest adding that genre.

I would have liked to have gotten more background on the whole situation with the baby and the mother - how exactly did she get involved in all of this? Was she an innocent that got roped in, or was his impression of her as a good person incorrect? How much did she know about the baby, and did she know that she was going to die after the birth? And what was the purpose of the baby being born? If Satan or an evil spirit of some kind caused her pregnancy, what exactly was the goal? The general idea of a demon spawn has been done before, so I think expanding this piece and giving (or even hinting at) some of those answers would help set your story apart from the rest.

I found the style of writing in this piece (I'm not sure if it's your normal style or not, since this is the first thing of yours that I've read), with its archaic words and turns of phrase and fancy prose, to be odd and, at times, difficult to get through. I absolutely love the "classics" - those writers that you read in high school who have this high-brow way of writing that just sounds so intelligent and is so descriptive - and I'm guessing that's what you're aiming to emulate here. However, most of the time it just seemed odd to me while I was reading it. The story was told as if the main character was telling the story to someone, whether verbally or writing it down in a personal account, but I don't know of anyone who actually speaks the way the narrator was as far as vocabulary and phrasing goes. There were maybe two or three places (so, not many, but they did occur) where the phrasing actually made it difficult enough to understand that it broke the flow. I think that unless you can show the reader why the narrator has such an unusual style of speech/writing, then it might be better to make it more colloquial, or like something someone today might say.

If you decide to make changes and want me to re-review, just let me know. Hope this helps and have a good one!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
10
10
Review of The Sound  
Review by Forty-One
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
When I first started reading this story, I neglected to look at the genres you had categorized this under and didn't see that it was supposed to be humor. As a result, I wasn't really sure what to expect when I started reading this. As a young adult who lives alone, I immediately identified with the terrifying first move out of the nest, which in my case was also after college. So I was looking at his experiences through the lens of my own life and experiences and perspective...and it turned out his perspective and experiences were QUITE different from my own!

At first I was angry that he seemed to be making a number of counterproductive decisions - making a hole in the wall of his nice, new apartment, trying to light a bunch of matches all at once even before looking for a flashlight, and mixing alcohol and painkillers after a head injury, among other things.

It was only in the later part of the story, where it was revealed that he was previously in therapy and that his father was embarrassed by multiple things he'd done in the past, that I started to wonder if maybe he had some kind of condition that was causing auditory hallucinations. It's never mentioned outright, but then at the very end, he hears the sound in his (second) new apartment, and it seemed all the more likely to me. (Well, either that or he is haunted! *Shock*)

When I scrolled back up to the top after reading, however, I noticed that this is categorized as comedy. To be honest, I didn't really see the humor in it - all these disastrous things are happening to him (many his own fault), and he seems oddly unperturbed and just keeps on doing more things that are getting him deeper in trouble (financially and with his family). After reading it but before looking at the genres, I thought this was a really great piece featuring an unreliable narrator. Since you intended this to be a comedy, though, I'm not sure what to think. I still enjoyed it greatly, but I don't think the tone was one of comedy, so the biggest suggestion I would make is to work on shaping the tone more into what you were aiming for.

Spelling and grammar look good, and the paragraphs seemed to flow fairly well. The only other (minor) suggestion I would make is adding in a few more details to really help paint the picture of what's going on. I had no trouble understanding what was going on, but the picture in my mind wasn't as vivid as it could be, if that makes sense.

If you change things and want a new review, just let me know. Hope this helps and have a good one!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
11
11
Review by Forty-One
Rated: E | (2.5)
I'm so glad you got to have this experience and I'm glad that you decided to shared it. I'm a cat-only person myself, so it was interesting to me to get to see a little bit of what it's like to have a bird.

I think this was miscategorized under "short stories" since it appears to actually be a personal account of your experience rather than a work of fiction (if I've misinterpreted that, my apologies). I also felt like certain things could have been explained more, which would have been especially helpful for people like me who aren't as familiar with birds as pets. For example, you mention a "click" in one of the last paragraphs, but I'm not sure what you're referring to. Is there an instrument that makes a click noise, or does the bird make that noise, or do you? I would suggest going through this piece and just asking yourself as you come to things, "Is this something that needs more explanation, or will pretty much everyone reading this with no experience in handling birds know what this means?" Also, there are numerous grammar/spelling mistakes throughout, so I would suggest going through it once just to look for those types of mistakes.

If you decide to change anything and want me to re-review, just let me know. Hope this helps and have a good one!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
12
12
Review by Forty-One
Rated: ASR | (4.0)
I enjoyed this story greatly. It's hard to write using only one-syllable words. Some of the most common words we have are two or ever three syllables, and I think you stayed within that parameter except in one instance: The first sentence of the second paragraph is "She had red lined eyes." This means that her eyes were both red and lined, but what I think you meant is that they were lines with red, or red-lined, which of course is a two-syllable word. In other words, you used two one-syllable adjectives but I think you meant to use a single adjective.

Also I'm not sure that I'm interpreting this story the way you intended, based off of the genres you put it in. The narrator seemed too head-over-heels about the idea of going with this girl that he had just met, even to the point where he believes he will still be thinking about her "[o]n [his] day of death". The strength of his reaction to her made me wonder if she was some kind of siren-like creature. And it wasn't just his reaction to her - it was also her reaction to him. She only just saw him, but immediately she asked him to run away with her. It was, to say the least, odd.

If you have any questions or want me to re-review it if you make any changes, feel free to let me know. Hope this helps and have a good one!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
13
13
Review of The Monastery  
Review by Forty-One
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
I like the prompt behind this and I think it's interesting that you chose a monastery as a "mysterious place". I'm guessing a lot of people chose "haunted" places and other typically "weird" places. Instead of that you chose an old place, yes, but one associated with religion/spiritualism rather than the supernatural in a fantasy sense.

If there was only one thing I could change about this, it would be the "What you are doing is illegal!" line. I couldn't tell if the voice was supposed to be that of someone who worked or otherwise belonged there or if it was supposed to be something unearthly as the prompt kind of indicated it might be. I wasn't sure if their reaction was because they didn't want to get in trouble with the police or because they thought it was some kind of supernatural entity out there with them.

There are a few other minor things, like certain phrases and how the paragraphs are separated, that I might suggest changing, but like I said, if I had to change only one thing, it would be the above line because the entire story hinges on the reader understanding that voice and the characters' reaction to it.

If you do change anything and want me to re-review, just let me know. Hope this helps and have a good one!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
14
14
Review by Forty-One
Rated: E | (3.5)
I like the way this started - Leah clearly feels like she doesn't belong in her own family, and that really spoke to me because I am that person in some ways. However, towards the end I think it got more unrealistic as her family became less believable and more caricature-like when they literally completely ignored or didn't hear her talking. The story seemed to shift from someone who never quite fit in to someone who grew up in a family of people who have no sense of reality, which are two very different things. I personally liked the first part better, both because of my personal experience and because I think it is just more believable. I can't even imagine someone being ignored when they said aloud the things that Leah was saying at the end. I think it might make more sense if she only thought those things and didn't say them, or maybe only said one of those things.

On the other hand, good pacing, excellent grammar, and the story kept me interested from start to finish. Let me know if you want to re-review if you make any changes. Hope this helps and have a good one!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
15
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Review of Trepidation  
Review by Forty-One
Rated: E | (4.5)
While I tend to enjoy longer pieces more, I think you did a good job with this one. It's hard to fit a lot into a few words, but I think you captured the feeling of desperation when trying to escape something very well here. To be honest, I can't think of any way of improving this besides making it longer; I only wish I knew what he was running from. *Wink* I'm a fan of zombies, so I'd love for that to be it, but I do like the fact that it's never explained or given a name, other than being called a "horde" and "[l]ess than human". Good job on this and have a good one!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
16
16
Review of Freeway Birds  
Review by Forty-One
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
I like the diversity of characters in this piece. I also like the fact that the whole basis of it is people-watching, which I feel like most writers do a lot, so it's easy to identify with. However, I did think the characters, while interesting, were somewhat stereotypical. There is the naturist/artist, the no-good young mother, the betrayed lover, and the disapproving old man. I think this could be even more compelling if even one of them were to step outside of their stereotype, either in an overt way or maybe in something that only the narrator notices. The narrator seems satisfied at the end of this piece, but I feel like a lot was left unsaid about these characters, especially about the bird-watcher. Definitely like the concept of this story, though. Hope this helps and have a good one!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
17
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Review of The Fun House  
Review by Forty-One
Rated: 13+ | (3.0)
Interesting story. The concept has been done to death, unfortunately for you, because that means it's that much harder to make it original. I think we got some glimpses of the characters and what made them really unique, but it wasn't enough. I think adding more personal touches to the characters will really help make this story memorable and not just another haunted fun house story. (By personal touches, I mean things like the way they put their hands together when they decided to go to the fun house and the banter where it was revealed that Becky had beaten Kevin in a fight. Basically, things that make them unique characters.)

I also think the separate sections at the beginning and the end take the reader out of the story too much. I think it might be better without most of their content. For the first section, for example, I would take out all but the first phrase, and write it as:

'It happened a year ago today, on Johnny's birthday. The three of us were sitting on our bikes in front of school after classes had let out for the week." etc.

That would bring the reader right into the story, with no unnecessary exposition. We have no frame of reference for the "feelings of guilt and remorse" yet, so it doesn't really heighten the reader's emotions, because they're not emotionally invested yet.

I'd also suggest taking out a few of the references early on to Kevin's ominous feelings about the whole thing. With the number of times it's mentioned, I would think he would have had the sense to turn back before they even got inside. Instead, try simply showing the reader something that would be ominous (like the way you described the door already being open - that was good!) but without the added bit about Kevin getting a bad feeling from it. Most people would get a bad feeling from it, and repeating something too often can lessen its impact.

That's the big stuff off the top of my head, but let me know if you want me to re-review it if you decide to make any changes. Have a good one!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
18
18
Review of Healing  
Review by Forty-One
Rated: E | (3.5)
I like how very personal this poem is, although it never does specify what exactly happened that made the narrator "fall", if you will. That is a double-edged sword of course - not specifying makes it more universal, more applicable to a variety of scenarios and people, but I think it would make a greater impact if we knew exactly what "crushed" her. Was this a relationship issue? an illness? a death?

I think if you made it clearer what event(s) this was about, a lot of the other things I was going to suggest changing would clear themselves up. For example, you use the word "high" several times, including twice in a row - twice. If you wanted you could change those lines to something more specific, in the process taking out the consecutive uses of the word "high" and adding some more variety of language. Being more specific would also force you to stay away from trite phrases - the one that really jumped out at me was "the darkness of my soul". Without knowing any specifics about what led up to this depression, it just sounds like hyperbole.

Hope this helps and let me know if you want me to re-review if any changes are made. Have a good one!


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
19
19
Review of BPD  
Review by Forty-One
Rated: E | (3.0)
As someone who was a psych. major in college and has a uBPD mother, this poem really speaks to me. I think the basis is solid here because it's based on your experiences, and I think you've captured the basics of BPD well, but I wish it were longer and more in-depth! I think this would benefit greatly from having more specific examples, maybe of times when these things happened (the "You get called" lines) to make it more vivid and real for people who haven't dealt with this disorder in real life.

I also felt that this read too much like prose for a poem, and the tone seemed more like it would be better suited to be a personal essay. I feel like there are a lot of stories that you could - and should - tell that will help people understand this disorder. Thanks so much for writing this!
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