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2,057 Public Reviews Given
2,076 Total Reviews Given
Review Style
I tend to write in depth reviews, discussing all aspects I feel need addressing. I am always positive and encouraging, but I'm also honest. If I feel something needs looking at, I will mention it.
I'm good at...
I'm a grammar and punctuation fiend. It is always one of the first things that strikes me about a piece of writing. I'm also good at offering suggestions to back up any comments I make. I'm always happy to re-review once changes have been made.
Favorite Genres
Dark or emotional poetry. The same goes for short stories; I like writing that makes me feel something. I love to read mysteries, thrillers, romance. I'll give anything a go, though.
Least Favorite Genres
Steampunk, sci-fi, fantasy.
Favorite Item Types
Emotional or dark poetry. Heart warming short stories. Mysteries. Thrillers.
Least Favorite Item Types
Chapters from the middle of books.
Public Reviews
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476
Review of The Closet  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones" .


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What I Liked


*Starv* The title and brief description drew me to this story. The closet is something that can be scary for many children, as it's the second place (after underneath the bed) that childhood monsters lie in wait. So, you did a great job of hooking me. Once in, I had to keep reading to find out what was going on in Laura's closet. Honestly, I'm still not sure. I think it must have been some kind of poltergeist or other monster that got caught in Laura's invention.

*StarV* The way you show Laura as being jumpy and telling her dad she might need him in the night, along with how she hasn't slept in that room for seven years, tells the reader that something bad is about to happen. In the end, I would have liked a little more drama, because the build up is so big, but I don't know whether there was a word limit to this, or not.

*Starv* I love that Laura has spent her time inventing a personal protection system, specifically to protect her from the monster in the closet. That's a nice touch. And it worked! It did catch the monster. I couldn't help but wonder whether anyone else had slept in Laura's room in the last seven years, and whether they saw anything?


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Suggestions


My only suggestions is what I said above. I felt the ending didn't quite live up to the rest of the story. It didn't detract from my enjoyment, though. It's a very entertaining read.

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Parting Comments


As always, your writing is beautiful. I love reading through your work, and this piece did not disappoint. Great job!


Lady Purple, House Stark


** Image ID #2128873 Unavailable **

House Stark image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
477
477
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (5.0)
This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones" .


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What I Liked


*Starv* I loved reading this story! It's funny, dramatic, and is narrated by a dog. What more could I ask for? I was kind of holding my breath the whole way through because I was worried Buster would end up getting the blame for the fire. But he didn't. He was hailed as the hero. I love the scene at the end, where he gets a scratch behind his ears and tickle on the tummy. I have a black lab who would do anything for the person who promised to tickle him all day long.

*StarV* I love reading stories where animals narrate. It really entertains me. I think you have Buster's thoughts spot on in this story. The way he begrudgingly shares his owners' affections with the cat is brilliant. It's funny when he tries to tell that it was Paddy who started the fire, but complains that his humans never understand him.

*Starv* This is my favourite line: " Her victim was the ferocious milk carton cap which was perched in attack-mode behind the trunk of the lighted tree." I laughed out loud at that part. Also, at the end when you write, "I spotted the four legged arsonist stretched out on the patio table, calmly taking a tongue bath." Then, you go on to say the milk carton top was laying at her feet. Genius!

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Suggestions


It's really hard to find any fault with your writing. It's always polished and wonderfully descriptive. There's just one spot where I'm not sure if there should be a comma or not. As you're the Comma Queen, you probably have it right. "Then my head tilted to one side as I took in the devastation that followed." I wonder if there should be a comma after as because I'm thinking of the FANBOYS acronym. Only, I'm not sure if there is a sub-clause that negates the rule here.

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Parting Comments


This is a really enjoyable story. I love the characters of Buster and Paddy. You have brought them vividly to life. Great work.


Lady Purple, House Stark


** Image ID #2126957 Unavailable **

House Stark image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
478
478
Review of Independence Day  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (4.0)
This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones" .


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What I Liked


*Starv* Your opening line is fantastic: " 'You're no good, just like that convict of a mother of yours.' " This hooked me straight away. I had to know why the child was being told they were no good. As I read, I realised there wasn't any reason other than her father was a mean drunk. I love how you tell us straight away why the mother is in prison, and you get us to thinking what has gone on in this highly dysfunctional family.

*StarV* I love that the mother comes back to save the day. She's been convicted of attempted murder by means of arson once before, but she's back to do it again. I did wonder why she didn't just grab her daughter and run away, once the father was unconscious. It's not really the best example to be setting: that every time someone is mean to them, she can just kill them by setting them alight! Although, I think this guy probably deserved that.

*Starv* You have written the character of the father really well. The reader will despise him for the way he taunts and beats his daughter. I could picture the scene so well, with him taking off his belt and wrapping it around his hand. It's a horrible scene, but you've painted it really well.


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Suggestions


I had a couple of problems with the ending. Firstly, I'm not sure the mother would have handed her daughter the gasoline and cigarette to murder her father. Also, you end by saying the fire was deemed an accident. But, there was gasoline poured all over the guy and all around him. Fire investigators would have found that and ruled it arson. Especially, as the girl's mother (who has previous form) had just got out of prison.

I also felt the ending was a little abrupt. The last line: "The house fire was ruled an accident. That was my Independence Day," stands on its own and is sudden. I would have liked to see a little more winding down from the incidents that just happened.

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Parting Comments


I enjoyed reading this story. I like the concept, and I think you've done a great job of writing it. With a little work on the ending, it could be an excellent story.


Lady Purple, House Stark


** Image ID #1988770 Unavailable **

House Stark image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
479
479
Review of Waiting Room  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: ASR | (4.5)
This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones" .


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What I Liked


*Starv* This is a beautiful study of a young woman whose partner has been rushed to hospital with an appendicitis. You would think there's not a lot you can write about a waiting room scene, but you have given the reader a wonderful character study, in Jess. I love how you show her anxiety through her knee bobbing and the way she cracks her joints. I kind of cringed just at the thought of this horrible sound. But, it works brilliantly to show us how frightening an experience it is for Jess.

*StarV* The relationship between Mara and Jess is lovely to see. We learn that Jess's own family disowned her when she came out as gay, but Mara (who I assume is Charlotte's mum?) treats Jess as though she's her own child. You show us Jess's fragility, and Mara tends to her by kissing her forehead and petting her hair. It's really sweet.

*Starv* I'm glad, at the end, Charlotte is going to be okay. There was a horrible moment, when Mara mentioned how she would have adopted Jess, that I thought Charlotte was going to die. I'm glad she didn't.


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Suggestions


I spotted a couple of typos: "Mara had such graceful smile." You missed out a in between such and graceful.
Also, "We are going to keep her overnight to check that the infection." That the infection, what? Or did you not mean to include that? That would make sense.

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Parting Comments


This is a cleverly written character study. I really enjoyed reading it. I could feel the anxiety that Jess was feeling, and that's because of how well written this is. It's a great job!


Lady Purple, House Stark


** Image ID #2128195 Unavailable **

House Stark image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
480
480
Review of Hooked  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (4.5)
This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones" .


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What I Liked


*Starv* The first thing to say is "Hooked" is a clever title. I assumed it would be a part of the story, like, maybe Cody's belt buckle would get hooked on the bull's horn, or something. But, actually, I think it's about how Cody is hooked on bull riding, even though his wife is clearly unhappy about his injuries.

*StarV* I love your description near the beginning of, "the whisper of the rope dragging." Also, the "cowboy perfume" of "sawdust and livestock" is wonderful. You draw the reader into the story with these descriptions. I was right there with Cody, walking out to the arena. I could smell the sawdust and hear the cacophony of people yelling.

*Starv* This line is great: "The bull snorted once and then strutted around the arena taking a victory lap." It made me laugh out loud. I couldn't help wondering, as I read this, why people do this. It's beyond my comprehension, but maybe that's because I'm English. I don't know.


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Suggestions


I just spotted one typo, near the beginning: "trying to get caged behemoth into position." You missed out the in between get and caged.

I wasn't sure, at the end, where you write, "he said I should follow up with Doc," whether Doc is what he calls the guy, or whether it should be "the Doc."

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Parting Comments


This is an enjoyable story. I loved your use of all the senses, as a way of pulling the reader inside the story. You really do paint vivid picture. I'm still not sure I understand why people do this, but I very much enjoyed reading this.


Lady Purple, House Stark


** Image ID #1988770 Unavailable **

House Stark image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
481
481
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (3.0)
This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones" .


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What I Liked


*Starv* I love your title. That's what first drew me to this story. I was also intrigued by the mention of a forbidden forest, in your brief description.

*StarV* I like your description of Martha's room and the castle. This gives us the impression that Martha is rich. Also, she has her clothes laid out for her, and there will be a ball that evening. I wonder if she's some kind of princess? Although, the Peterson's address her mother as Mrs. France, so maybe not.

*Starv* The mysterious wintery feeling in the forbidden forest, the snow falling, helps to give the impression of a magical setting. This is nicely done.


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Suggestions


My main suggestion is to space this out a bit. Put different people's speech on different lines. It's all a little jumbled, as it is at the moment. It's confusing, trying to figure out who is speaking, sometimes.

At the beginning, you contradict yourself. Martha's mother says, "The Petersons are here," then, she says, "They will arrive any minute."

I'm a little confused by the part where you say, "And this is where our story began," because the story ends pretty soon after, without any story beginning. You could have shown so much happening in the forbidden forest. There's so much possibility, but you haven't used it. I don't know whether you intend to write something more? I hope so because we don't get to see the forbidden forest, after all the build up to it.

The last place to look at is, "How could it be snowing? It's not winter. I just thought...it was the name.' thought Martha. She stepped into the snow and continued walking, faster and faster each time." I can't figure out what you're trying to say here. You switch from the third person, to first, then back again. This would be the perfect place to show us the wonder of the forbidden forest. This would be the place for adventure to occur.

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Parting Comments


This story has potential, but it needs some work. I like your character of Martha, and I like the thought of a forbidden forest. It could be really good, with some work.


Lady Purple, House Stark


** Image ID #2126957 Unavailable **

House Stark image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
482
482
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.0)
This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones" .


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What I Liked


*Starv* Firstly, I love your title and brief description. It grabbed my interest. As I first read through, I was impressed with the originality of the plot. Personally, I'm terrified of dentists. I don't trust them at all, so I can totally believe this story! The way David is hearing the CIA through his crown is genius.

*StarV* The way David's disbelief is quickly replaced with anger, and then being paralysed is brilliant. His reactions are actually realistic, in an unrealistic setting. He knows there has always been something a little off about his wife.

*Starv* I first realised this story was set in a future world when you said David was born in the year NW56. That's a subtle clue for the reader that this story will be futuristic. That, and the crown that is linked to the CIA and can control Dadid's every action! It's a great plot. I really like it.


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Suggestions


A couple of typos: "Feeling angry, confuse and unwilling." It should be confused.
"I don't hear anymore objections David." "Any more" should be two words here.
At the beginning of the story, you spell David's wife's name Stacy, but at the end you write Stacey.

I have a comment regarding the plot. The whole conversation is about David stopping his wife from passing on information, but you don't say what the CIA want David to do to stop her. He has to meet her for a meal, but how does he know what to do from there? I felt like that's a key part of the story, and it would be great to see David going through the motions, as he's controlled by the CIA. It could be a longer story.

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Parting Comments


This is an enjoyable story. I would love to read more about it. I would love to see David having no control over his actions. I love the possibilities with this. Great job.


Lady Purple, House Stark


** Image ID #1988770 Unavailable **

House Stark image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
483
483
Review of The Bush House  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (4.5)
This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones" .


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What I Liked


*Starv* The brief description to this story sounds so innocent, it had me intrigued. I knew something scary had to happen to the two girls, I just didn't know what. I would never have guessed, either. This idea is so clever. What I want to know is: Is the mirror evil and controlling the fire and the girls' safety? Or is there some kind of evil presence in the bush house? Or, is it the teddy bear? Because he seems like he could be the culprit, to me.

*StarV* The suspense builds brilliantly through this story, as we see the two girls become stuck in the bush house, then we see the imaginary fire, the real fire, and them being lost inside the mirror. I was on the edge of my seat through the whole story. I really enjoyed it.

*Starv* I love the ending, with the broken reflection of the girls and their teddy bear. That's a nice touch. I could picture the broken glass with fractured faces.


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Suggestions


I wouldn't have added, "The cabin was no more," at the end of the story. I don't think you needed to say that. The broken reflection is a lovely image to end on.

Just a really tiny niggle. I wondered why you pointedly said both girls put on white gowns before going out to the bush house. I wondered what the significance of that was?

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Parting Comments


I really enjoyed reading this story. I was gripped as I read through. You definitely had me on the edge of my seat. It's a great story!


Lady Purple, House Stark


** Image ID #2129600 Unavailable **

House Stark image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
484
484
Review of Graveside visit  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (4.5)
This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones" .


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What I Liked


*Starv*From the very first word, I was hooked with this story. The suspense of what is happening, of why the narrator is never going to see the graveyard again alone, and why he's getting into the stolen car with a guy who's just been in jail, is played out with great skill.

*StarV* I love how you write it as though Robert and Louis are in whatever is happening together. I had no idea Robert was going to kill Louis at the end. That was a surprise, and I loved it. I loved how you tied everything up, giving both men what they were looking for. The character of Ernie, even though he played only a small part, is wonderfully vivid. I love this line: "Ernie, like his tie, was frayed around the edges and slightly out of date."

*Starv* The ending is perfect. We see Robert walking away from Louis's dead body, with gravel crunching under his feet "like bones." This brings the story full circle, as the first thing we see is Robert walking on the crunching gravel. That's nicely done.


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Suggestions


There's just one spot you have a typo: "Ernie Schmidt waved me a hello as I entered the shabby pawn shop, ." You need to take out the comma.


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Parting Comments


I really enjoyed reading this short story. Although it's fairly short, it's packed full with vivid descriptions and really interesting characters. I could have read a lot more from you with this story. Great job!


Lady Purple, House Stark


** Image ID #2126957 Unavailable **

House Stark image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
485
485
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones" .


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What I Liked


*Starv* Wow. So few words, and yet you've painted the most vivid picture of this chance encounter. I don't know whether it's a true story or not, but it sounds as though it is. Or, maybe, it's just that your writing is so good it seems real.

*StarV* The young boy's haunting expression, at first, as a reflection in the window stays with the reader, in the same way that it stays with the narrator. Tow lost souls, coming together, for a brief moment. It's a lovely story.

*Starv* What I like the most about this is the cautionary tale of how dangerous intolerance can be. If the narrator hadn't kept quiet about the boy, he could have been in serious trouble. Even though he was innocent. This is a lesson in the importance of tolerance and not being judgemental. A lot of people could learn from it.


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Suggestions


This isn't a suggestion as much as me wanting to know more. I would love to know who the boy was and why he was so scared. I guess, its because of the horrors in his hometown that he was running away from. Of course, if it is a true story, you won't know the answers. But, if not, I'd love to learn more about him. There's something about the frightened look in his eyes that intrigues me and makes me want to know him. But that's because you've done such a great job in writing about him.


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Parting Comments


This story is short and simple, but so powerful. As always, your writing is beautiful. I absolutely love this.


Lady Purple, House Stark


** Image ID #2126957 Unavailable **

House Stark image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
486
486
Review of Who is She?  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (3.5)
This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones" .


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What I Liked


*Starv* The title, "Who Is She?" runs through the whole story. You do a great job of building up the importance of this woman and what she is about to do. I was gripped the whole way through, waiting to find out what would happen.

*StarV* The approaching thunder and lightning, accompanied by darkened skies, is a great way of showing the reader how important this woman's knowledge and actions are. She knows everything and sees everything, yet no one sees her. I wondered if she was some kind of religious character, but I'm not sure about this.

*Starv* I like the woman's arm hair standing on end as she steps in front of the bus. That whole scene is really vivid. I was on the edge of my seat.


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Suggestions


Whilst being on the edge of my seat, I was a little disappointed in the end. There was such a huge build up to finding out who the woman was, and then at the end, I still didn't know. Maybe I missed something, but it didn't really live up to my expectations. I didn't know if the woman was dead. I didn't know why the bus driver knew who she was. Was she just a mentally ill woman, who was delusional? Or was she some form of god? Not sure.

One thing I noticed you do quite a lot is to switch from the past tense to the present tense. Keep an eye on that because it jolts the reader out of the story, and you want to keep them inside of it.

These are a few typos I spotted: "with the sun beaming in her face." It should be on. "felt her arm hair stand on in." It should be end. "the bus driver exists the bus looking around." It should be exits.

One last thing. You say she sees the pigeon one hundred feet about her. That's a long way up!

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Parting Comments


I enjoyed reading this. You have some nice description in here. I could see what the woman saw as she awoke and walked to her destiny. I was just a little disappointed with the end. Some further explanation would be good. Something 'bigger' happening to her.

Lady Purple, House Stark


** Image ID #2126957 Unavailable **

House Stark image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
487
487
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 18+ | (3.5)
This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones" .


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What I Liked


*Starv* I was drawn to this story by your title. When I read the prompt at the top of the page, I was intrigued. As I started to read, I had to find out who was in Marci's house, and why they were there. Would they hurt her, or would it be someone she was happy to see? I had no idea, and I loved the way you showed Marci checking, room by room, to find out who was cooking the delicious meatloaf.

*StarV* I love Brenda's character. She's brilliantly unhinged, with just enough lucidity to make her a scary person to be lying naked in Marci's bed. I love how she thinks it's perfectly normal for her to cook an anniversary dinner for Marci. After all, it's six months since their first date (never mind the fact that it's five months since they broke up).

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Suggestions


There are times when you describe what happens in a matter-of-fact, linear way. It's like you explain everything movement of the character, every thing she sees. That's not necessarily a bad thing. It gives the reader a lot of information. But, it means you're telling a story. You're not putting the reader inside the story. You're saying, this happened, then this. Look and watch. Rather than, experience it. For example, this line: "Marci walked around the table, turned, and stopped just before she reached the bathroom. She did a quick peek inside. No one was there." If you said something more like this: "Marci's heart raced as she approached the bathroom door. The handle felt cool against her hot hand. She held her breath as she threw the door open, but no one was inside."

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Parting Comments


This is a good story. It intrigued me and I thought you wrote Brenda's character brilliantly.

Lady Purple, House Stark


** Image ID #2087061 Unavailable **

House Stark image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
488
488
Review of Unlucky Seven  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: 13+ | (5.0)
This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones" .


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What I Liked


*Starv* The plot is fantastic! I love the ending. Even when Harold got shot, I didn't realise that it was his 'dead' wife who was behind everything. What an evil character she is! I love her.

*StarV* Your characters are great. Harold, at the beginning, is shown as being so unfeeling and controlling. The way he holds out his hand and clicks his fingers, for Corinne to give him the necklace, is brilliant. That small act shows us so much about him. It also makes the ending so much more unexpected, when Regina kills him. The physical description of Corinne is great. I pictured her in a figure-hugging dress, with her blonde curls. Kind of Marilyn Monroe style.

*Starv* The necklace is a clever way of giving the reader subtle clues about what's happening. The necklace was supposedly stolen when his wife was murdered, and yet here it is, being delivered to Corinne. Love it!



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Suggestions


This is only a minor point. This line kind of confused me at first: "She offered me seven hundred thou to make you believe I'd offed her." At first, I thought thou was a typo, but I realise now you mean it as being short for thousand (I think). It seems obvious now, but I was reading it like a biblical commandment kind of thou. Maybe it's just me.

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Parting Comments


I really enjoyed this story. You create a great amount of suspense, and the storyline is clever and unexpected. It's a great job.


Lady Purple, House Stark


** Image ID #2128873 Unavailable **

House Stark image for G.o.T.


*Gold* My review has been submitted for consideration in "Good Deeds Get CASH!" .
489
489
Review of Blue Coma  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with The Iron Bank of Braavos  
Rated: E | (3.5)
This is a House Stark review for "Game of Thrones" .


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What I Liked


*Starv* The suspense in this is excellent. I tried so hard to figure out what was going on and, I have to say, I didn't get it right.

*StarV* I like that you've written this with so many thoughts going through the mind of the baby boy who is being born. I couldn't understand how the narrator could tell there were people outside of the 'vehicle' it was in. I had a note to question how they could see through an ambulance door. But, when I got to the end, everything was explained. I love the ending, by the way! You leave it right until the very last line to reveal the narrator is a baby being born. I would never have guessed that.

*Starv* The originality of this short story is great. It really is different to anything else I've ever read. It's not a subject that's tackled very much in writing, and nobody really knows what the experience of being born is like, but I think this is probably quite close to how it feels. Apart from the coherent thought, of course.



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Suggestions


I have a few suggestions, and they're all grammatical. The first thing is to watch your tenses. There are a few times where you switch from the present to the past tense. For example, "I seemed only to remember bright lights . . . " Then, straight after this you write, "I can not tell where or when."

My other points are more specific. "I seen to be getting . . . " It should be seem. Also, "last time I dosed off." It should be dozed. "Perhaps they have me medicated, tes . . . " I'm not sure what you mean here.


*Crown**Crown**Crown**Crown**Crown*
Parting Comments


I enjoyed this unique story. I think you've done a great job of writing something unique, and it's a great mystery!


Lady Purple, House Stark


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Review of Sharp Edges  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Lydia

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" .

Please remember these views are purely my own and everyone has different opinions.

First Impressions: On my first read through of this poem, it really affected me. I found it sad, and it tugged at my heartstrings. It is simple and brief, yet so powerful at the same time.

Voice/Tone: You've written this poem in the third person. I find this interesting because I have a feeling it's written about your own experiences. Sometimes, it's easier to depersonalise it a little, though. It certainly works in the third person. The desperation the subject feels is well defined. It sounds as though they are tired of fighting every day to make it through, and the anxiety and fear they feel runs through the entirety of the poem. The hatred towards those who don't notice their pain, those who laugh and make it worse, is huge. She wants to obliterate them; to obliterate everything. Which makes me so sad. I can relate to that sentiment. I can relate to this poem.The subject just wants people to understand her and see her soul, which she will bare by ripping herself open. It's powerful stuff.

Mechanics: This poem is cleverly written in free verse. I usually don't like as much repetition as you have used (with the word one), but I think it really works here. It emphasises the hurt and pain. I think it's interesting how you include throwing rocks at both other people and yourself. Also, at your fear. The thing that is slowly killing you.

My Favourite Part: I love the end. "So the sharp edges / Tear her open." It feels like the pain will be a brief release of the mental pain that is constant. Also, by tearing yourself open, people will finally see how much pain you're in. I like that metaphor.

Suggestions: My only suggestion is to try writing it in the first person. As an experiment. You may find it helps you channel even more emotion to put into it.

This is a great, little poem. I really like it. It's different to any others I've read, and I think you've done a great job of capturing the feelings of pain and despair in just a few words.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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491
Review of A Day To Remember  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Lady H

This is a "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  Summer Fun Raid Review.


*Sun* As I first read through, I really enjoyed the storyline. It's a great tale of how it pays to take the time and put in some effort occasionally.

*Sun* I really like the character of Sophie. She is playful and has a determination that is admirable. I love her relationship with Josh, and I was rooting for them to get together. I'm happy they finally did, at the end. Christine is an interesting character. I would have liked to see some more development of her. For example, why did she hate Sophie so much? It can't be because she was lazy, when all of the other students left everything to Christine. It wasn't just Sophie. At the end, you show us Christine's "sour face," which I was glad you did. But, I would have loved to see more of a reaction from her. Some kind of tantrum. I think there's a lot you could have done with that character. Surely, she would have had something to say about Josh's bursary. Often, it's the "bad" characters who are most intriguing. Also, what was the significance of her cancelled trip to the U.S.?

*Sun* My favourite part is at the end. "Was it possible to like someone but not actually realise it? When Josh finally pulled away, Sophie decided it definitely was." This made me smile. I really like it.

*Sun* One thing I would take out is the word definitely that comes in the line immediately after the above: "This was definitely going to be a . . . " The two definitelys are in a space of five words, and it stands out and jolts the reader out of the story.

In summary, I really like your story. I think it's a cute romance between two school kids, and has a good message at its core. Great job!

Choconut

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492
Review of A seashore story  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Deepika Dinesh

This is a "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  Summer Fun Raid Review.


*Sun* This story is both sad and uplifting at the same time. As I first read through, I felt sorry for Monu. For being teased at school, for not having his weekends to play with his friends, for having no money. It's a story that tugged at my heartstrings. Then, at the end, there is that last sentence, and it completely changed the way I felt: "A mother's smile cures all ailments." That's a great way to end the story. Showing us that, although Monu is poor in monetary terms, he is rich in love.

*Sun* I really like your style of writing. It's natural, and you have a wonderful way of showing the reader the landscape of the story. I felt I was right there on the beach. I love, "Brushing his teeth with a mango leaf of a nearby tree . . . " That description leapt out at me. It's a lovely detail.

*Sun* I have a couple of minor things I would change. The first is where you describe Monu's "tiny little eyes." The words tiny and little have the same meaning as each other, so there is no need to use both of them. Also, when you say, "He could almost observe the juxtaposition every time he handed over a kite to another kid . . . " I wouldn't use the word almost. Something I've learned on this site is that almost is a bad adverb to use. What I mean is, if Monu could almost see the juxtaposition, then he couldn't see it. So, why mention it? In a story from his point of view, this juxtaposition wouldn't exist. Does that make sense?

In summary, I really like this story. I love your style. You have a natural way of writing that really appeals to me. I look forward to reading more from you in the future.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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493
Review of Desert Storm  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Cody Wayne

I am writing this review as part of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" .

*Starv* This is a beautiful description of a rainfall in the desert. I love the "greenish tint" that the sky developed after the rain finished, and how everything grew a little colder. My husband is from Arizona, and this description reminds me of the many times he's told me how much he misses desert rain (we live in England, and it's just not the same).

*Starv* One thing to watch is your tenses. You switch between the past and present tenses a little. For example, "The loud rumblings started ever so softly and ending like a cannon shot." You either need to take out and, and add a comma. Or, you could change ending to ended. As it is, it doesn't make sense, though.

*Starv* I really like the picture you paint. It's vivid and realistic. I can see it all. I really like it. What I'm not sure about is whether it's part of a larger piece, or should it stand on its own? I note you describe it as an essay, so I wonder if there are more essays that go together with it? Just wondering.

I really like this. It's clear you are a talented writer, and I am look forward to seeing where you go next.

Keep writing!

Choconut

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494
Review of Charming  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (3.0)
Hi Kate

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  [E].

My first thoughts: As I first read this, the first thing I noticed was how tightly packed in it all is. It's one long paragraph, with lots of long sentences, and this makes it quite difficult to read. I can see the elements needed to make an interesting story. Shy girl falls for shy guy. That can be interesting. I am intrigued to see where it goes.

Plot: The plot is a shy girl meeting a shy guy. That's really as far as it goes. But, at the same time, a whole whirlwind of events and days spent together happen within one paragraph. I think you need to open it up. Think about what events are important, and write decent sized chunks of narrative about those events. Turn it into an actual story. Because that could be really good.

Characters: A lot of characters are mentioned, but the main ones are the narrator and Charming. The description says they are shy. If you do write more about this, it would be good to show us how shy they are. Little things like being unable to make eye contact, giggling nervously. Little clues as to their personalities.

Grammar: This isn't bad. You have a tendency to throw in capital letters where they're not needed. Also, your sentences are run-on. You need to break them up a little. For example, "Last year he bought a house with his brother after he had moved in being the crazy person I am bought him a dining room table for his house, my family lent him some chairs for his house and I was baking/cooking food for him." I had to read this a few times to understand what you meant. If you put a period after, "moved in," it would read more smoothly.

What I liked: I like the story. It has a lot of potential. It could go on to be a really cute love story. I also like the narrator. Her enthusiasm and positivity shines through.

Suggestions: I don't get why the narrator calls the guy Charming, when everyone else has a name. If this was a diary entry, I could understand the girl might use a nickname. But it doesn't make sense here.

I enjoyed reading this. I would be interested to read the next instalment.


Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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495
Review of Anonymous  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (4.0)
Hi Geomancer

I am reviewing this on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" .

Please remember these views are purely my own and any advice given is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

First Impressions: I really like this poem. That is what went through my mind as I first read this. I like the sentiment, the simplicity in its images, and I love the contemplative tone. It's a poem I could relate to. I think, probably, most people can.

Voice/Tone: As I stated above, the tone is thoughtful. You speak as one who is wise, looking back at how you came to be where you are. Looking back at how you've changed and how you've stayed the same, also. I love the first verse. That idea of wanting to be anonymous as a child tugs at my heart. Most children want to be famous. Shows like 'The X Factor' drip-feed the seeds of fame into most of the children today. So, your wanting to be anonymous intrigued me. Because that's how I felt, too. I like how you move on to discuss your own strength and how you learned that you have something to say. The conflict between wanting to be heard and wanting to be hidden is intriguing. There is also a kind of religious feeling in the second and third verses. Jesus walked among us, in disguise, teaching people how to be good people. At least, I think I'm right about that. (I'm afraid, I'm not religious, so I'm not entirely sure about that.)

Mechanics: This poem is free verse. It comprises four verses of four lines. There is a natural rhythm which helps the poem to move along at a great pace.

My Favourite Part: I love the last two lines: "I want to make my name now / but some part of me wants to be forever anon." You don't resolve the inner conflict by the end of the poem, and I like that. This is who you are, and I think it's something a lot of writers struggle with.

Suggestions: These lines don't make sense: "How can someone be so wise / Walked on earth in disguise." I understand what you're saying, but it reads as though something is missing, and this pulls the reader out of the poem momentarily.

This is an interesting poem, and I enjoyed reading it. Great job!

Keep writing!

Choconut

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496
Review of Out Of the Woods  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 13+ | (4.0)
Hi Jenny Links

I am happy to be reviewing you on behalf of "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  [E].

My first thoughts: This is a great beginning for a longer story. I was hooked straight away, by the fact that the police precinct uses supernaturals alongside humans. Through the whole story, you build the suspense really well. The result is a reader who was on the edge of her seat, waiting for the bad thing to happen.

Plot: A town with supernaturals, living alongside humans. Emma is secretly in love with Jake, a werewolf. Jake is secretly in love with Emma. Something has to happen between those two. Emma has a frightening supernatural occurrence in her home and is saved by Jake, who offers her his spare room. The next morning, a mystery supernatural creature brutally murders a woman . . . who looks just like Emma. This is a great twist. It left me wanting to read more, which is exactly what you were looking for. It's a clever plot, and I'm interested to know where you will take it.

Characters: Emma and Jake. I wasn't sure, all through the first narrative of Emma, whether Jake would turn out to be the evil force. He seems like a really nice guy, but I just wasn't sure. Then, when I read his narrative, I changed my mind. He loves Emma, and she him.

Grammar: There are a few instances of tense changing in here. For example, you say, "This is what I loved about him." Then, "He never pushes you or forces you . . . " You switch from past to present tense a few times throughout the story. Just watch out for that, as it pulls the reader out of the story a little.

What I liked: The story and its uniqueness. I love the mystery. The suspense is great. I also really like the description of Jake's spare room when Emma wakes in the morning. "Bright rays of sunlight poured in through the blinds, creating little bars of light on the hardwood floor. Dust particles danced in the beams." It gives the reader warm and safe feeling.

Suggestions: Just a couple of points. I appreciate you're writing in the first person, but you start a lot of sentences with I. For example, "I pulled up in front of East Hollow Police department," "I took a deep breath . . . " "I flopped down . . . " Try to find other ways of wording it. By saying, "I did/saw/felt, etc." you're in storytelling mode. By doing this, you're creating a barrier between the reader and the story. We are reminded constantly it's a story. Instead, try saying something like, "The East Hollow Police Department loomed in front of me, with its glass windows reflecting the pale sunlight." Something like that, anyway. Something more immersive.

The other thing is adverbs. You use a lot and, almost always, they aren't necessary. It's better to find the right, strong verb, rather than a weaker verb, plus an adverb. So, for example, where you write, "I gently took the luggage and followed his instructions." I'm not sure why you said gently. It doesn't add anything to the sentence. In fact, it makes it stand out because it doesn't really make sense.

My suggestions are purely meant to be helpful. I really enjoyed reading this. You have created a great story that held my interest the whole way through. It's a great job!

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut


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Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: E | (5.0)
Hi Bubblegum Jones

This is a fab idea! I've never seen anything like this before. This review is affiliated with "WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group"  Here is my little story:

Once upon a time there was a black labrador named Alfie. Everyday, he tugged at his lead, leaping and prancing, sniffing yucky smells along the way. One day, he yanked his lead so hard, he came loose, breaking free. Turning to look at his mum with a smile on his face, he woofed and ran off into the woods. Because of that, his mum had to run after him. Her face grew red, and she huffed and puffed. Until finally, she found him, quivering; pressing himself against a tree. When she looked to see what had caused such fear, a small, brown mouse sat in a patch of ferns; head cocked, watching the dog. Alfie stretched his neck, for his mum to replace the lead, and stuck close to her legs for the rest of his walk.


Keep up the great work!

Rachel

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Review of My Poetry  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Jay O'Toole

This is a Rising Stars Member 2 Member Review.

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice offered is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

*StarV* First impressions: I love reading your poetry, Jay. It has such a natural warmth. It reads as though you have simply touched your pen to the paper, and it's written itself. So I was interested to read this poem which describes the significance of poetry to you, and to the rest of the world. As I first read through, I was really impressed with how you mention each of the senses. I love this because I know exactly what you mean. Poetry that you like fills every one of your senses. It can fill a whole room.

*Starv* Mechanics: This poem has five quatrains, all with an abab rhyme scheme throughout. This helps the poem to zip along at a great pace, and it also makes it sound almost like a song. There is a natural rhythm, which sounds especially good when you read this aloud. You are definitely the master of structured poetry. I admire this because I know how hard it can be to write (for me, anyway).

*Starv* My Favourite Part: I love the final two lines: "Companionship is greatest gift, / a friend, who ne'er betrays." That's exactly what poetry is. It makes me think of how I turned to poetry for comfort after my Dad died. It helped so much, to know there was someone out there who had felt the things I was feeling. Poetry was my best friend, and I always turn to my favourite poems at critical times now.

*Starv* Suggestions: There was just one line I felt didn't quite sound right. "and has for many of my days." It feels like it has too many syllables, or maybe the stresses aren't quite right. I tripped over the line on my first read through. Now I understand how to read it, it sounds fine, though.

*Starv* Final Thoughts: I love this poem. I love your natural style. I feel like I've told you more about me in this review, than I have actually reviewed your poem. But I want to tell you I really do love it. One last thing I want to share with you. My Mum wrote poetry. She wrote structured, rhyming poetry, and your style reminds me a lot of hers. I always think of her when I read your poetry, and that's a wonderful feeling. So, thank you. I love your work.

Most importantly, keep writing!

Choconut

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Review of White Leaves  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with  
Rated: E | (4.5)
Hi Angel

This is a Rising Stars Member 2 Member Review.

Please remember these are only my opinions, and any advice given is done so with the sole intention of being helpful.

*Starv* My first impressions: I wanted to review another of your items this month because I really like your writing. I appreciate you wrote this almost a year ago, but the title intrigued me. Then, as I began reading, I couldn't tear myself away. I was hooked immediately by the snarky relationship between Jill and Ted. My first instinct was to feel bad for Ted. I changed my opinion, however, and was so happy when Jill murdered Ted at the end. I really enjoyed this story.

*Starv* Plot: Jill and Ted. A thoroughly unlikeable couple have moved house. Jill has some kind of hold over Ted, something about an accident. (I would love to know a little more about that.) The reason for moving house, it transpires, is so Ted can poison Jill until she dies. I love this idea. I mean, don't get me wrong, I don't love it as a lifestyle choice for me! But I love the concept for a story. I love how Jill slowly lost her senses, mental and physical. She displayed symptoms of mental illness, losing her grip on reality and suffering delusions and paranoia. Ted thought the new neighbours would just assume she was ill. What he didn't bank on was Jill becoming violent and attacking him with a pair of scissors.

I love how the image of white flowers runs through the story. These flowers seem to be where Jill's madness began. She believed they spoke to her, and that they still were at the new house. She also thought bees and butterflies had the ability to whisper things to her. I thought the whiteness of the flowers was interesting. I'm not sure if they signified death, or purity? Or maybe I'm trying to read too much into this.

*Starv* Readability/Grammar/Punctuation: This is all really good. There were a couple of places where you forgot to place a full stop at the end of dialogues, but that's all.

*Starv* My Favourite Part: "Jill sat back down on the sofa and Ted handed her a drink, energy drinks she’d recently begun to enjoy; an unusual drink for her as she wasn’t keen on fizzy drinks, but these just hit the spot." This is the point where the reader understands that Ted is evil. I had a kind of tingle inside when I read this part. I also loved the end, when Ted has been murdered, and Jill gets better. Brilliant!

*Starv* Suggestions: Again, I appreciate you wrote this a while ago, and I know you've been changing this. But you have written in the passive tense a little. I would change that.

*Starv* Final thoughts: I love this story. Absolutely love it! In particular, I love that Ted got exactly what he deserved. Justice was served. It's a great little story!

Keep writing!

Choconut

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500
500
Review of The Librarian  
Review by Choconut
In affiliation with WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group  
Rated: 18+ | (5.0)
Hi Christopher Roy Denton

*Burstr**Bursto**Bursty**Burstg**Burstb**Burstv*"WdC SuperPower Reviewers Group" 
Celebrating Equality and Diversity*Burstv**Burstb**Burstg**Bursty**Bursto**Burstr*


I chose to review this story because it is on the list of item's for today's LGBT Power Raid.

The first thing I want to say is congratulations on your promotion to yellow case! I'm not in the least bit surprised about it.

*RainbowL**RainbowR* As I first read through, you hooked me at the start with the lovely relationship between Jess and Imran, and kept me interested the whole way through. I wanted to see whether Alice would agree to go out with Jess. When she refused, I couldn't wait to see if Jess would hook up with Alice's sister.

*RainbowL**RainbowR* The characters in this story are so well written. I love Jess and Imran. Their friendship is shown as really intimate and loving. For example, when he ruffles her hair. It's kind of a brother-sister thing. Jess is slightly shy, and I was really rooting for her when she asked Alice out. I was sure she would say yes. But, then you added a clever twist. Alice is straight. Her twin sister, however, not so much. I love it. I found myself hoping the two of them would hit it off. I cared about the characters because you have written them so well.

*RainbowL**RainbowR* I love the humour in this story. I found myself chuckling all the way through. I've found it hard to pin down one line as my favourite, as the whole story is great, but this line made me laugh out loud: "I'm a Paleolithic specialist. If cavemen hadn't got jiggy with it, we wouldn't be sitting here today talking about your hot girlfriend." So funny.

I love this story, Bob. It's a perfect example of why you got your yellow promotion. You are a really talented writer, and this story is a great example of that.

Choconut

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